I Am So So Scared!!

[BeautifulCrazy]

I am terrified of leaving.
It got so crazy last time I left. He went to my employers. He went to my friends. He went to my family. He followed me when I tried to get my things out of his house or if he saw me out somewhere. I had to leave most of my possessions behind because he acted so completely crazy over them. He screamed and ranted and was so horrible to my friend who went with me to collect some things, she was left completely traumatized and crying. I still feel fortunate she had anything to do with me afterward.  He told horrible stories that weren't true about me AND my children to anyone who would listen. And to people who wouldn't ... he forced himself on them by phoning them and showing up at their homes or work. 
It was terrifying and traumatic and just so so awful. I'm so scared right now of the fallout that I'm actually considering staying. He's so much angrier and scarier and says more frightening things than last time. I was surprised and confused at how insane it got last time. This time he is scary even before he knows I am leaving. I am sure it will be much worse, but I can't even imagine how, so I don't even know how to plan for it. I wish I could leave town or get into some sort of protection program. I imagine pretending to him that my mother has moved so he won't go to her house and harass her like last time. I wish I could have some confidence that I could get some help from the police or the courts but I know from multiple previous experiences that unless he physically harms me, or threatens to in front of somebody,  I don't have grounds for any kind of order or bond. Also, he gives "his side" of the story very convincingly, despite it being completely fabricated. Oh, he is charming and rational!! (For instance I had police waiting to warn me I was trespassing when I arrived to collect some things that he harassed me into coming to pick up because "his house wasn't a storage unit for my convenience" and he "couldn't move on with my things in his space reminding him all the time")
If I didn't have two children to protect, I think I would stay just to avoid putting myself and those close to me through the drama / trauma.
Jeepers, I'm close to a panic attack just typing this!!
I haven't even got a place to go yet. Or enough resources together to do it. I think I might even be self-sabotaging a bit... delaying... because of the fear.
Oh I feel so completely messed up right now!!

[hhaw]

Your stbxpd is herding you.  He knows what scares you.  He knows how to frighten you.  He's escalating to gain your compliance... and I understand what it is to consider staying bc of fear, chaos and all the crazy pd behaviors.

You have to decide what it is you can stand.  What it is you want for your kids.  What do you want to model for them?

I have to tell you life's so much better when the PD is OUT of your space. Unable to speak to you, get to you, get IN your space, where you sleep.... where you live.  You get to know yourself again.  You find the familiar things and make friends again... with yourself.

It's good to have a plan before you go.  It's good to document the PD crazy... anyway you can. 

It's good to realize this is a marathon and the PD is going to find new and more disturbed ways to get your attention, make you doubt, fear and consider going back,  but many get through it.  Many people make a plan, put it in place and go. 

I know the kind of man you're married to.  You deserve better. Your children deserve to know what a  more normal life is.... to see you happy....  seeking joy...... putting healthy boundaries in place and holding them so they learn how to do for themselves.

You don't have to go.  You don't have to do anything.   Particularly, you don't have to stay in that marriage.

Breathe deeply.... 10 times.... 4 seconds in, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds.  THis will help calm you so you have access to your logic, problem solving and creativity.... you're going to need these things no matter what you choose. 

I'm praying for you.

[Crushed_Dad]

No-one should be afraid of their own movements. Call the police if you're being harassed, stalked and abused in such a way

[blunk]

I was on the other end of things, in that I stayed in the home and feared for my safety when my BPDxh wanted to come and collect some of his belongings.

A friend recommended that I contact the local police department. They told me that they could provide an on-duty officer for a short period of time, but that I would have to be home. That was not what I wanted, as I wished to avoid all contact. They also said that I could hire an off-duty officer to escort him, and after explaining my situation, the officer at the desk offered to act as a go-between and contact my x to schedule. The x declined, it turns out he didn't need the items at my house after all.

Just thinking that this may be an option for you, in order to go and get your items when the time comes. And having an officer with you would either keep hubby from acting out, or would provide the proof you need to get a protective order if he acted as he did the last time.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I am just scared.
He isn't threatening me. He doesn't know.
I am making plans and working toward getting out. I am keeping the peace and slowly preparing. Leaving isn't an option, it is a certainty. It will be several weeks. Possibly months.
But I am terrified.
When I do leave. It is going to get crazy. He is going to lose it. Bad, scary, possibly dangerous things are going to happen. I don't know what. I can't possibly imagine and prepare for it. I can't think like he does. He is quick thinking. And dark. Several times, last time I left, I came close to being charged by the police, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong! I did everything I was told to by the local women's shelter. I did everything the pamphlets from victim support services recommended. I made a plan. I talked to the police before I left. I called them at appropriate times during the ordeal. When outsiders were involved, he was able to manipulate the situation to his advantage every time.
I have learned from experience. There are things I can do better, plan better, be more careful about, but I can't know what he will actually do. And what if he finds out before I can get out? That's very, very scary. I am not sure anymore that I know what he is capable of. I don't know how far and deep and dark it goes, or where it ends. He stopped short of physically harming me last time. I don't have very much confidence in that this time. I'm terrified.

Nobody seems to understand that he isn't just some jerk who gets mad and behaves badly. He isn't overt about any of it. It's like nobody sees it but me and to a lesser degree, the children. Even the every day anger, the shouting, the swearing, the rants... that's all low grade stuff. When he is really angry, it is quiet, calm, calculated. On the surface he is charming, rational and very, very composed, but underneath stealthy, secret, deniable things are happening.
He is scary. I'm scared. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not being paranoid. I'm typing it here where he can't turn it around so I appear to be the crazy one. Here, there will be some other people who know that this kind of crazy $#*! really happens.

[NumbLotus]

Hi BC,

That sounds genuinely scary.

I had a friend who escaped an extremely abusive relationship. Her children were hers and not his, thankfully. She fled to a distant state, changed her name, the whole nine yards. Of course that would not have been possible, legally speaking, had the children been his.

I absolutely admire your resolve. I wish the system protected people like you so much better.

All I can say is, if there is anything you can document, including recording rages (audio only is fine), this could be useful.

[hhaw]

I am terrified of leaving.
It got so crazy last time I left. He went to my employers. He went to my friends. He went to my family. He followed me when I tried to get my things out of his house or if he saw me out somewhere. I had to leave most of my possessions behind because he acted so completely crazy over them. It wasn't the stuff he ranted over, likely.  It was the loss of control over you and his desire to gain control again.  Since you're with him again, I guess it worked. He screamed and ranted and was so horrible to my friend who went with me to collect some things, she was left completely traumatized and crying. She sounds like a very good friend.  I'm sorry there aren't any men in your life to help you make this transition.  ARE there any male friends?  A pastor?  Men from church?  BIL/s?
Does your friend have a husband or brother or friend? I still feel fortunate she had anything to do with me afterward. But she did remain your friend.  She is a good friend,  IMO.   More imporatntly, she's seen the PD's mask slip.   She KNOWS you're the truth teller, bc the PD didn't make you look insane while keeping his compsosure. I lften find this the silver lining when the PDs treat outsiders the way they treat us.  The pd's don't realiwze they're lack of composure costs them something very important.  They're SHOWING one of our potential allies WHO THEY REALLY ARE.  WHen I look back, that's one of the mistakes the PDs make, over and over, and that mistake helps us crawl and scratch our way OUT of the marriage/legal system/danger zone.  We need advocates.  We need people willing to stand next to us, SEE what the PD is trying to do, call the cops, keep locked doors between and perhaps more if necessary.      He told horrible stories that weren't true about me AND my children to anyone who would listen. And to people who wouldn't ... he forced himself on them by phoning them and showing up at their homes or work.  My T used to say....
"That's what sociopaths DO."  It's not going to change, btw.  The PD is going to do that and more.  He'll count on your fear to bring you back.   IME, having a good system in place, people he can't BS, holding his feet to the fire regarding the law, having him arrested, held accountable for every threat, violent touch....... but putting people in place between you... as a buffer..... with safeguards..... should be part of a good exit strategy.   I've heard it said "riding the tiger isn't dangerous.... it's getting off the tiger that's dangerous."  And I think that's true.  Society owes us more than letting our PDs take us apart if they choose to.  I think people care more than they did....  monsters with power are being held accountable.  Your PD can be held accountable too,  IME.  They aren't used to consequences.  They aren't used to us holding strong, cutting ourselves off from their ranting..... making ourselves safe and plodding through the legal system.  They're used to triggering us into betraying ourselves... scaring our support system into betraying us.  One thing I learned..... we'll be let down and betrayed by some in our inner circle, but there are those, some who don't have to , who will stand up and do the rigth thing on our behalf, bc they're decent good people.   
It was terrifying and traumatic and just so so awful. I'm so scared right now of the fallout that I'm actually considering staying.Your PD know you so well. He's so much angrier and scarier and says more frightening things than last time. He's trying to find the point he can scare you FINALLY so he doesn't have to keep doing it.  He wants to get you so scared you can't raise your eyes or head anymore.   I hope that doesn't happen to you or to your children.  I was surprised and confused at how insane it got last time. This time he is scary even before he knows I am leaving. I really do think he knows you.  Knows your base line behavior and what you're like when you're terrified...... I think he knows.  I am sure it will be much worse, but I can't even imagine how, so I don't even know how to plan for it. THIS kind of fear keeps us living in our amygdala.... our fight or flight mode.... and that's a very small, tight place where we have very little or no access to creativity, logic and problem solving skills.  You truly can't plan for it when you're in this state, IME.  I wish I could leave town or get into some sort of protection program. How old are your children?I imagine pretending to him that my mother has moved so he won't go to her house and harass her like last time. I'm pretty sure tresspassing is a crime.  Your mother doesn't have to let him in or allow him to bang on her door without end.  Is she as frightened of him as you are?  Where are all the men? I wish I could have some confidence that I could get some help from the police or the courts but I know from multiple previous experiences that unless he physically harms me, or threatens to in front of somebody,  I don't have grounds for any kind of order or bond. See.... this is where hiring a good Private Detective could come in very handy.  A large, well equipped PI who can handle himself, preferably.  They're trained to testify.  They keep really good notes.  Know how to record conversations and more.Also, he gives "his side" of the story very convincingly, despite it being completely fabricated. He's already shown one of your friends who he is.  SHE can testify on your behalf and she believes in you.  Good evidence is what you'll need to build your theory of your case..... your case won't be based on what the PD has done to you.  It'll be built on what you can prove.  Oh, he is charming and rational!! (For instance I had police waiting to warn me I was trespassing when I arrived to collect some things that he harassed me into coming to pick up because "his house wasn't a storage unit for my convenience" and he "couldn't move on with my things in his space reminding him all the time")  So, now you KNOW he can control himself when he wants to.  His loss of control is tailored to get your attention and manipulate you. He didn't care if your gf saw his mask slip.  I think he made a mistake.  He DOES care if police and other see,  so you have that on your side when you do go.  You should tailor your exit strategy to maximize that, IME.  Using a domestic violence shelter.... getting dv advocates on your team..... a close group of freinds who GET IT and will stand by you... help you stick to a good plan when you're scared out of your mind,  and you will be, on and off.  Getting distance, mental and physical... not having to hear his voice.... will help steady you.  You'll recognize yourself, your strengths and your skills with time, which is good bc you're going to need them. 
If I didn't have two children to protect, I think I would stay just to avoid putting myself and those close to me through the drama / trauma.  But you do have children to protect.  How old are they?
Jeepers, I'm close to a panic attack just typing this!!  I didn't know there were ways to control my fear and biochemistry, which is completely hijacked when we're in fear for our lives.   YOU can get that information and utilize it.  It would give you a tremendous advantage to remain steady even when the PD is pushing alll your buttons and leaning on your friends and loved ones, IME.  There are trauma informed Therapists who can teach you how to get control and keep control of your emotions.  The PD won't be able to drive you off cliffs any more which would have helped me so much.  You'll also have answers when the court and court appointed therapists ask you how you're dealing with the conflict and strife.  You'll BE DEALING with it in a healthy manner the courts will understand and recognize as responsible behavior, IME. 
I haven't even got a place to go yet. You will.Or enough resources together to do it. I think I might even be self-sabotaging a bit... delaying... because of the fear.  IF I could go back, I'd find a trauma informed Therapist and begin seeing that T under the guise of working on my marriage (blech) but I'd do it for me and my kids and I'd get myself into the best possible situation to make a good plan, find a good team (domestic rights advocates/attorneys/friends/neighbors/ family) and I'd hunker down and hatch that plan while utilizing my team to help me stay level when the PD was pounding hardest on my fear buttons. 
Oh I feel so completely messed up right now!!  That's why the PD behaves the way he does toward you.  If you find a good Trauma Informed T....  that will likely change.  I'm curious to read some of your answers, if you feel like answering my questions.  You don't have to.   

Good luck, 

[BeautifulCrazy]

Yes NumbLotus, I'm on top of that (getting audio).
I did it before too. I recorded a few of his scary, disgusting rants. Unfortunately, last time this happened, I learned that ranting and raving and swearing and being horrible, even following me around the property or house while being verbally abusive, are not illegal (except in theory) and don't in themselves justify a peace bond or restraining order.
He is unlikely ever to overtly threaten me. That is totally not his style. He never tips his hand. It is a large part of the FOG fear, never knowing where he is coming from. Or when.
I keep reminding myself today when I feel the anxiety that the only way out is through. Whatever comes, whatever happens, I will get through it. That's the only way to come out the other side and be free.

[Free2Bme]

BC,
Everything you said makes perfect sense to me.  My ex was also very charismatic, smooth, in control, unhindered by emotions, calculating, would speak cryptically to threaten me in a manner that he could always excuse as something benign.  I felt I was unleashing all the demons of hell when I left.

I want to tell you that there is PEACE on the other side of this.  You WILL get through this and when you do, you will be posting here that you are through the storm.  Know that you will not always be in fear. There is relief.

***First, hhaw is exactly right. Every.  Single. Thing.  ***
Great suggestions in her posts, take them to heart. I wish someone would have told me these things when I was at that point.

Now is the time to think logically and practically (I know it is hard).

Some things I did right:
Take inventory of my resources.  In my case, time was a resource that I utilized to plan my escape.  I faked my role as wife/mom to buy time to plan, while disengaging emotionally, I even lied at times (survival), otherwise, I never would have made it out.  Fear, emotions, sentiment, and wishful thinking were my enemy.

I made an escape plan, plugged in details, told no one.  Paid cash for a safety deposit box at bank for 1 year, and gradually moved important things. 
Moved sentimental/personal items to a friends house when he was at work because I knew he would destroy them. 
Copied detailed financial info so he could not hide assets.
Hid $ in drawer underneath my  tampons. 
Put overnight bag for kids and I at friends house along with pet food and made arrangements to stay with her (she was the only person I told). 
I began speaking to the children in ways to prepare them without telling them my plan. 
Identified an attorney and told her I planned to leave. 
When he went out of town on business I left, he had no clue.  He was served 4 days later.
Began to use every spare moment to study about PD and how to survive this...Youtube, books, etc.
I used a phone app ( "DayOne") and a voice recorder to document things during divorce process.
I strictly limited communication with him to email/text.
I allowed him to "win" in our divorce decree just to settle.

Some things I did wrong:

I should have hidden an audio/video recording device in home/car to document his rages.

I should have gone to a DV shelter when I left.  It would have created scrutiny upon him.   The more eyes on them, the better!
When my updxh began to unravel and act out, our T said he was 'decompensating',  I was very fearful and did not call the police on him.  If I would have, he would have lost parental rights (according to my attorney).

I failed to get a restraining order. Because I didn't involve the authorities, he now rewrites these events to other people (family, friends, kids, church).

I should have exposed him at every turn.  He had conditioned me to NEVER dare to do this, or else.  His ability to lie and weave a story is incredible so I told myself I could never win.  Bad thinking.
 
I chose a mediated divorce process because I was afraid of family court, psych evals, putting kids through that after they were already traumatized. I feared he would control the process.  I regret that I did not ask for a GAL and go to court.

No support system, should have developed one.

In hindsight, I should have equipped children's phones with call recorder.  (Check your state laws)

I should have documented more thoroughly.

This is my experience, no two situations are exactly the same.  The most important thing is your physical safety, and emotional/mental well-being.
Preemptively identify the buttons he will try to push with you and assure yourself that this doesn't have power over you anymore. 
You said he went to your employer, friends and family.  If he pulls crap again with these same people, he risks exposing himself.  If he does, you might be able to use their testimony/support.
He is counting on creating paralyzing fear to maintain the status-quo.  Conserve your energy, eliminate anything that is a non-essential energy drain in your life, get as much sleep and exercise as you can.  Get a trauma informed T, ask T for other resources.

You will get through this, be safe and take care 

[Stargirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds so scary. I work as a professional in this field... I also happen to have a fiancé with AvdPD too. I have experienced living with someone with a PD and some emotional abuse and manipulative behaviors, but your experiences sounds much more harmful than mine. They can all be harmful to us in many ways, however yours sounds as if it on the higher end of concern.

Have you consulted with any local domestic violence non profits in the area? You can try calling JaneDoe inc and they can point you in the right direction. The law doesn't always work on the side of anyone who is the recipient of harassment, stalking, abuse, etc. Has your partner made any threats to you at all? Sent you or your friends, family, any harassing or degrading things about you via e-mail or text? If so, please save them, those can be used as evidence if needed and are considered legal documents.

Most domestic violence shelters have scattered site apartments. Those are basically secret apartments for victims of abuse (any type of abuse) where the address and phone number are not listed. I would also encourage your friends and or family to change their phone numbers so he can no longer access them. Once you leave and are physically safe, they can also press charges against him for harassment. An order of protection for them would be called a "no contact" order.

Has he ever harmed other people, ex girlfriends, or animals? Does he have a history of mania or impulsive behavior? Has he ever destroyed anyone's belongings or even his own? Property destruction etc? Those are all indicators too that can let you know what type of risk level you are in.

Best thing to try is calling Jane Doe. I really hope you are able to get out of that situation okay.

[Jsinjin]

BC:

My heart goes out to you.  I've followed your posts for a long time and I feel like we share such similar situations.    I wish we both had the strength to leave and not look back.   I understand how hard it is to wish things were different.  I hate the violent agner that turns on us in a dime and makes us slink around trying to make sure nothing is out of place and that we always answer when she says to no one "does anyone know why the ..." Referring to something out of place in  the pit of a house.

You are innmmy thoughts and prayers.

Jsj

[Omygoodess]

Calculated . Reminds me of Ted Bundy or my ex. Very intelligent people but crazy as f%#^ Especially behind closed doors.
They play a good game for family and friends.
Planning is very good! Pack your stuff and leave as fast as you can. Leave the big stuff behind. It's not worth it. Have a cop stand by to "keep the peace".  They prey on us. He knows you are weak. You won't get menatally strong until you are out of this for a while.
My best advice "fake it until you make it".
I slept on the floor at work for 2 months and on someone's couch for 1 1/2 months until we could decide on the house situation.
I'm free now!! Keep us posted.
Kim