Its all kicked off tonight

[Psuedonym]

ugh, p123,

That a painfully familiar conversation, especially the 'i'm so depressed why don't you take me for a drive?' part.

One thing that I found helped with the repetitive questions was to say: "Is there a reason you keep asking me the same question over and over?"
Undoubtably the answer would be: "well you never really answered me".
To which I'd say: "I absolutely did and I'm not answering it again."
Sometimes Negatron would then just repeat the answer, because she damn well know, she just don't like it and figured if she kept asking then maybe it would change.
Other times she would say 'so you're just not going to answer me?' and then I'd say 'you already know the answer' and change the subject.
Or you can always say, "I'm really worried about your memory, you keep asking me the same thing over and over. Perhaps you do need to look into assisted living."
That might get you a temporary reprieve.

However you handle it, its absolutely infuriating. In Negatron's case, she was looking to start a fight, not sure if your dad is the same or not.

[Andeza]

Talk to your doctor! Yes, great job!!!!

And silence is golden, makes them marinate in the ridiculousness that just came out of their own mouth.

And saying no, you won't bring your daughter. You are protecting her, p123. You're being a good dad when you remove her from these situations. I want you to know that. She does not need to see, or hear, or experience your dad and his problems or the crappy way he treats you.

[WomanInterrupted]

You did a great job!   

And in answer to your other thread, about bringing your DD - NO.  Absolutely not.  And you shot that down beautifully, too!  (You're doing something together or have plans - always be VAGUE!) 

Remember - just because you said you'd come next week, doesn't mean it's written in stone and you HAVE to.  "Something" could come up - like you not wanting to. 

I swear - they really do pass around the same playbook.  Didi once told me she was afraid to ask me anything.

I saw right through it and said, "You can ask anything you want - but you might get an answer you don't like."

It's meant to make you feel bad - don't let it, and if your dad starts trying to ask the same thing, over and over, because he doesn't like the answer, don't be afraid to shut that crap down.

"Asked and answered." 
"That's enough, dad.  I said no." 
"Dad, no matter how many times you ask, the answer is still no." 
"Dad - I'm really worried about your memory and think you need to be assessed for Alzheimer's." 

Your dad will find new and interesting ways to kick up a fuss - you know him best, so you can best predict what he's most likely to get up to - and do NOTHING when he does it except call less and have even less involvement in his life.   

No, they don't like being told "no" and act like they've never heard the word before, especially from people they've groomed to be the perfect servants, who don't talk or fight back.

But we get to a point we don't like being used and manipulated even more, and are determined to pry their tentacles off us.

Keep up the good  work and dig your heels in for the long haul - unless you significantly lower contact or go NC, the ride is going to start to get pretty damned bumpy - especially with the days getting shorter and colder, and COVID no closer to being given das  boot - or immunized away.

[p123]

That was a little progress.  Yes you should have said NO to the every week.  And the silence answers were very good.  He does know how to play you.

I know - I missed that one!

[p123]

When he said he was scared to ask you these things, that was the bait. You didn't take it so that's progress.

If you were fully in the fog you wold have soothed him and said something like "don't say that", "you can always ask me", etc.

Silence speaks volumes.

Yep. No way am I saying that. Well aware of what he was up to then!

He also mentioned - and this MUST be the 5th or 6th time that "you're brother rings me every night to see how I am no matter how busy he is". Not falling for that.

[p123]

Talk to your doctor! Yes, great job!!!!

And silence is golden, makes them marinate in the ridiculousness that just came out of their own mouth.

And saying no, you won't bring your daughter. You are protecting her, p123. You're being a good dad when you remove her from these situations. I want you to know that. She does not need to see, or hear, or experience your dad and his problems or the crappy way he treats you.

I know - if you're depressed (properly) you need to see the doctor. (I know this!)

[p123]

You did a great job!   

And in answer to your other thread, about bringing your DD - NO.  Absolutely not.  And you shot that down beautifully, too!  (You're doing something together or have plans - always be VAGUE!) 

Remember - just because you said you'd come next week, doesn't mean it's written in stone and you HAVE to.  "Something" could come up - like you not wanting to. 

I swear - they really do pass around the same playbook.  Didi once told me she was afraid to ask me anything.

I saw right through it and said, "You can ask anything you want - but you might get an answer you don't like."

It's meant to make you feel bad - don't let it, and if your dad starts trying to ask the same thing, over and over, because he doesn't like the answer, don't be afraid to shut that crap down.

"Asked and answered." 
"That's enough, dad.  I said no." 
"Dad, no matter how many times you ask, the answer is still no." 
"Dad - I'm really worried about your memory and think you need to be assessed for Alzheimer's." 

Your dad will find new and interesting ways to kick up a fuss - you know him best, so you can best predict what he's most likely to get up to - and do NOTHING when he does it except call less and have even less involvement in his life.   

No, they don't like being told "no" and act like they've never heard the word before, especially from people they've groomed to be the perfect servants, who don't talk or fight back.

But we get to a point we don't like being used and manipulated even more, and are determined to pry their tentacles off us.

Keep up the good  work and dig your heels in for the long haul - unless you significantly lower contact or go NC, the ride is going to start to get pretty damned bumpy - especially with the days getting shorter and colder, and COVID no closer to being given das  boot - or immunized away.

Thanks WI - yes as winter draws in hes going to get worse I think.....

[p123]

Been thinking about his statement that "hes scared to ask me". For a start, I have never shouted back or got angry I've just calmly said no can do.

I was thinking if the same happened with wifes mum. (OK shes a PITA but nowhere near like Dad)

If she said "can you take me there on Saturday?"
Wife may make something up but would say "sorry mum I can't I'm going x"
MIL would say "OH ok I'll ask you're brother"

Dad doesnt ask - he pleads. Its almost as if you have to do it. Its not a request, its an order. If you say no, I've often had "cant you try" or "can you do it just for me". In essence, he has in the past asked me to let other people down and put him first. I well remember the time when I said "No I promised my wife" and hes said "surely she understands that I need you".

I didn't rise to it but I'm glad hes too scared to ask LIKE THAT.

I'm hopeful now I've shutdown the weekend thing inc daughter visit. Hes not going to like but hes backed off. He does that. Looks I'm down to weekly visit. Could be worse - it doesnt affect my family at all so no big issues there.
I will  be working on that though - once a week is way too much to put up with his rubbish.

This week I had 20 mins of his health problems ranging from deadly hayfever, going for a wee too many times, excruciating pain in his legs (still doesnt take all his painkillers).

[illogical]

Hi p123,

Been thinking about his statement that "hes scared to ask me". For a start, I have never shouted back or got angry I've just calmly said no can do.

That comment your dad made that "he's scared to ask you" is very passive-aggressive, IMHO.  There is a seed of truth in that comment-- he is scared, "scared" that you will say "No".  I think he's recognizing your assertiveness.  And he's pissed about it.  And he's implying, with his PA comment, that you are to be feared, like a bully.  So it's a dig.  You ignored the comment and good on you.  But it was a well-placed arrow designed to take you down.

You can tell me I'm full of it here, but I see a pattern of behavior with your dad:  your dad says things that annoy or anger you.  You push back-- a little, not a lot-- then he backs off.  A little time passes.  You buy yourself some time.   He comes at you again.  Repeat.

So you find yourself putting out brush fires, so to speak, but you haven't contained the "fire".  I have been in a similar situation with my NM and it is very difficult.  For me, it came down to survival.  Was I willing to just keep on in that pattern of letting NM snipe and me beating down the brush fires?  I did that for about a year and a half.  Nothing changed.  Same ole same ole.  My fear was still there.  It didn't go away.  I would say to myself that I was okay and I could contain her, but the reality was that every time she digged at me, the resentment grew.  It grew and grew until I finally had had enough, and I cut contact.

I wish I had a Magic Wand that I could hand you to wave over your dad and make things better.  That after waving that wand, your dad would recognize what a good son you are and stop his endless misbehavior.  And downright meanness to you and your family.  But I don't have that. 

So all I can do is say that I understand your reluctance to confront your dad and basically draw a line in the sand.  But until you do, I think you will be on that hamster wheel, where he pushes and pushes and you push back.  But nothing ever changes. 

I think you really do have the courage within to stand up to your dad.  You stood up to your brother.  Okay, then.  Summon that strength and tell your dad what you are willing to do, and give him a FIRM "No" when he tries to trample your boundaries.  Good luck!

[nanotech]

They are either the Arrogant Perp who acts  all entitled and issues commands, or the apparent other extreme, the victim who is needy.
Both garner attention- unless we put up boundaries.
The reference to feelings 'scared' of us, yes I've had that told to me in a slightly different context ( UBPD mum told me UNPD SIL was scared of me. It was in my birthday and they'd invited me. It was following some problems with GC Brother and his appallingly entitled wife. Mum was telling me why she hadn't come to the tea party. I think mum was deep down cross with her but of course that couldn't be articulated, so she blamed me.
It's meant to upset and unsettle us greatly, so that we straightaway get back in line and comply with their wishes.

You've not done a thing to evoke that reaction. Not a thing. But it made you wonder and second guess yourself, and that's gaslighting.
They may well FEEL scared when they see us coming Out of the FOG. And a 'No' to them IS conflict. It just is. We have to understand that as well. Then do it anyway!

[p123]

Hi p123,

Been thinking about his statement that "hes scared to ask me". For a start, I have never shouted back or got angry I've just calmly said no can do.

That comment your dad made that "he's scared to ask you" is very passive-aggressive, IMHO.  There is a seed of truth in that comment-- he is scared, "scared" that you will say "No".  I think he's recognizing your assertiveness.  And he's pissed about it.  And he's implying, with his PA comment, that you are to be feared, like a bully.  So it's a dig.  You ignored the comment and good on you.  But it was a well-placed arrow designed to take you down.

You can tell me I'm full of it here, but I see a pattern of behavior with your dad:  your dad says things that annoy or anger you.  You push back-- a little, not a lot-- then he backs off.  A little time passes.  You buy yourself some time.   He comes at you again.  Repeat.

So you find yourself putting out brush fires, so to speak, but you haven't contained the "fire".  I have been in a similar situation with my NM and it is very difficult.  For me, it came down to survival.  Was I willing to just keep on in that pattern of letting NM snipe and me beating down the brush fires?  I did that for about a year and a half.  Nothing changed.  Same ole same ole.  My fear was still there.  It didn't go away.  I would say to myself that I was okay and I could contain her, but the reality was that every time she digged at me, the resentment grew.  It grew and grew until I finally had had enough, and I cut contact.

I wish I had a Magic Wand that I could hand you to wave over your dad and make things better.  That after waving that wand, your dad would recognize what a good son you are and stop his endless misbehavior.  And downright meanness to you and your family.  But I don't have that. 

So all I can do is say that I understand your reluctance to confront your dad and basically draw a line in the sand.  But until you do, I think you will be on that hamster wheel, where he pushes and pushes and you push back.  But nothing ever changes. 

I think you really do have the courage within to stand up to your dad.  You stood up to your brother.  Okay, then.  Summon that strength and tell your dad what you are willing to do, and give him a FIRM "No" when he tries to trample your boundaries.  Good luck!

Yeh makes sense... Yes hes good at the "poor old me" act if he doesnt get his way..... Didnt think of it like that. I suppose I'm the "bad son" who he cant even speak to now. Like I said the way he asks is beyond. He doesnt "ask" he pleads then wont take no for an answer anyway.

[WomanInterrupted]

That was  Didi, too - she'd TELL me what I was  doing  - "You're picking me up and we're going out for a meal, then to visit  your father."

When I 'd tell her I couldn't get away, even over the phone, you could literally see  and hear  the wheels spinning.

Her:  "But we're going for a meal!"

Note:  that only made it WORSE because it meant spending 2+ hours in a restaurant, listening to her bitch about food and  gossip.   

Me:  "I have food here.  I can't get away.  I have responsibilities."

Her:  "But..."

Me:  "No but.  I have to go.  I'm really busy."

Hang up thinking, "Strewth!" 

The next call would be her promising to take me to a middle-of-the road lobster place, so I'd tell her I already ate - she'd accuse me of LYING and demand to know what I could have had.  I'd tell her it was none of her business, but it was delicious.

The NEXT call would be her promising to take me shopping.  Oh, spiffing!  She's the one who loves shopping and that's 4-more mind-numbing hours with her.  (Seriously - I hate shopping and I don't think there were too many people happier than me when Amazon became a one-stop-shop.) 

I'd tell her there was nothing I needed or wanted, and I had to hang up, so she'd call back later and it would go, "Please!?"  "Please!????"

Me:  "No. I can't, now stop it because that's not going to work.  You're not a child."

Her:  "Yes, MOTHER!"

She'd try to lock me into tomorrow - I'd tell her my *entire week* was booked up, so no.  If she wanted to visit Ray, she'd have to find another ride.

Instantly, she'd snot that she didn't want to BOTHER them - so I'd tell her I didn't know what else to suggest, but I had to get back to my tasks.

BANG would go the phone.

I'd look at the clock and gog. It was only 4PM!   

We had a land-line without blocking features and an answering machine, so I'd close the door to this room and give it the finger when I'd hear the phone ringing ten, twenty times.   

The next day, she'd try AGAIN - but I wasn't going to answer the phone until WELL after visiting hours  and  shopping centers were closed   - if then.

Once the phone started ringing every half hour or so - with NO message - it only made me more determined to NOT answer.  I'd even crow, "Fuck off!" as I walked by the room. 

Day three- same as the last!  A non-stop barrage of phone calls I didn't answer until 11 PM, when she'd tell me she thought I was DEAD and I'd calmly reply I was BUSY - she told me nobody could be THAT busy and she'd do anything to talk to HER mother on the phone again.   

I told her I WAS that busy and I had no way of knowing it was her if she didn't leave a message.

Well, I HAD to take her to visit Ray.

I told her it wasn't happening and to call a cab, Uber, a friend or the senior van.  She told me she "just couldn't" and I told her I had to go.

Again - meals!  Shopping!  Both shot down and then straight up wheedling, like she forgot it didn't work - I told her no, and if she didn't stop, I was hanging up.

She didn't stop - I hung up.   

The next day - silence.  I knew she was up to something and I was right because the day after that she told the machine they were releasing Ray and I had to pick him up in a tone of voice that was like, "HA HA!  I win!"

I dove on the phone, told her I had too much going on and he was going to have to take a cab.

She GASPED and asked if I was sure.  I said yes and she slammed the phone down.

Here's the kicker - you'd think she'd learn, but NO!  Every single time Ray was in the hospital, it would go like this until I just stopped answering the phone after the first attempt, and later unplugged it until the time of night I knew my DH would be calling (he was always away on business and I was alarmed to find out I was the one arming her with info!  Once I stopped, she was a pretty good guesser!)

The only "logic" I can see at work here is, "It used to work!   It  has to work NOW!  Oh, what' s wrong with that stupid boy/girl!?" 

Yeah - we're defective because they're not getting their way. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let your dad go through his whining and machinations and remember - your phone BLOCKS.  Once you say NO, you don't have to listen to a bit of it.

He'll never learn, but at least it will be blessed quiet.   

[nanotech]

That was  Didi, too - she'd TELL me what I was  doing  - "You're picking me up and we're going out for a meal, then to visit  your father."

When I 'd tell her I couldn't get away, even over the phone, you could literally see  and hear  the wheels spinning.

Her:  "But we're going for a meal!"

Note:  that only made it WORSE because it meant spending 2+ hours in a restaurant, listening to her bitch about food and  gossip.   

Me:  "I have food here.  I can't get away.  I have responsibilities."

Her:  "But..."

Me:  "No but.  I have to go.  I'm really busy."

Hang up thinking, "Strewth!" 

The next call would be her promising to take me to a middle-of-the road lobster place, so I'd tell her I already ate - she'd accuse me of LYING and demand to know what I could have had.  I'd tell her it was none of her business, but it was delicious.

The NEXT call would be her promising to take me shopping.  Oh, spiffing!  She's the one who loves shopping and that's 4-more mind-numbing hours with her.  (Seriously - I hate shopping and I don't think there were too many people happier than me when Amazon became a one-stop-shop.) 

I'd tell her there was nothing I needed or wanted, and I had to hang up, so she'd call back later and it would go, "Please!?"  "Please!????"

Me:  "No. I can't, now stop it because that's not going to work.  You're not a child."

Her:  "Yes, MOTHER!"

She'd try to lock me into tomorrow - I'd tell her my *entire week* was booked up, so no.  If she wanted to visit Ray, she'd have to find another ride.

Instantly, she'd snot that she didn't want to BOTHER them - so I'd tell her I didn't know what else to suggest, but I had to get back to my tasks.

BANG would go the phone.

I'd look at the clock and gog. It was only 4PM!   

We had a land-line without blocking features and an answering machine, so I'd close the door to this room and give it the finger when I'd hear the phone ringing ten, twenty times.   

The next day, she'd try AGAIN - but I wasn't going to answer the phone until WELL after visiting hours  and  shopping centers were closed   - if then.

Once the phone started ringing every half hour or so - with NO message - it only made me more determined to NOT answer.  I'd even crow, "Fuck off!" as I walked by the room. 

Day three- same as the last!  A non-stop barrage of phone calls I didn't answer until 11 PM, when she'd tell me she thought I was DEAD and I'd calmly reply I was BUSY - she told me nobody could be THAT busy and she'd do anything to talk to HER mother on the phone again.   

I told her I WAS that busy and I had no way of knowing it was her if she didn't leave a message.

Well, I HAD to take her to visit Ray.

I told her it wasn't happening and to call a cab, Uber, a friend or the senior van.  She told me she "just couldn't" and I told her I had to go.

Again - meals!  Shopping!  Both shot down and then straight up wheedling, like she forgot it didn't work - I told her no, and if she didn't stop, I was hanging up.

She didn't stop - I hung up.   

The next day - silence.  I knew she was up to something and I was right because the day after that she told the machine they were releasing Ray and I had to pick him up in a tone of voice that was like, "HA HA!  I win!"

I dove on the phone, told her I had too much going on and he was going to have to take a cab.

She GASPED and asked if I was sure.  I said yes and she slammed the phone down.

Here's the kicker - you'd think she'd learn, but NO!  Every single time Ray was in the hospital, it would go like this until I just stopped answering the phone after the first attempt, and later unplugged it until the time of night I knew my DH would be calling (he was always away on business and I was alarmed to find out I was the one arming her with info!  Once I stopped, she was a pretty good guesser!)

The only "logic" I can see at work here is, "It used to work!   It  has to work NOW!  Oh, what' s wrong with that stupid boy/girl!?" 

Yeah - we're defective because they're not getting their way. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let your dad go through his whining and machinations and remember - your phone BLOCKS.  Once you say NO, you don't have to listen to a bit of it.

He'll never learn, but at least it will be blessed quiet.   

What WI said!

[p123]

That was  Didi, too - she'd TELL me what I was  doing  - "You're picking me up and we're going out for a meal, then to visit  your father."

When I 'd tell her I couldn't get away, even over the phone, you could literally see  and hear  the wheels spinning.

Her:  "But we're going for a meal!"

Note:  that only made it WORSE because it meant spending 2+ hours in a restaurant, listening to her bitch about food and  gossip.   

Me:  "I have food here.  I can't get away.  I have responsibilities."

Her:  "But..."

Me:  "No but.  I have to go.  I'm really busy."

Hang up thinking, "Strewth!" 

The next call would be her promising to take me to a middle-of-the road lobster place, so I'd tell her I already ate - she'd accuse me of LYING and demand to know what I could have had.  I'd tell her it was none of her business, but it was delicious.

The NEXT call would be her promising to take me shopping.  Oh, spiffing!  She's the one who loves shopping and that's 4-more mind-numbing hours with her.  (Seriously - I hate shopping and I don't think there were too many people happier than me when Amazon became a one-stop-shop.) 

I'd tell her there was nothing I needed or wanted, and I had to hang up, so she'd call back later and it would go, "Please!?"  "Please!????"

Me:  "No. I can't, now stop it because that's not going to work.  You're not a child."

Her:  "Yes, MOTHER!"

She'd try to lock me into tomorrow - I'd tell her my *entire week* was booked up, so no.  If she wanted to visit Ray, she'd have to find another ride.

Instantly, she'd snot that she didn't want to BOTHER them - so I'd tell her I didn't know what else to suggest, but I had to get back to my tasks.

BANG would go the phone.

I'd look at the clock and gog. It was only 4PM!   

We had a land-line without blocking features and an answering machine, so I'd close the door to this room and give it the finger when I'd hear the phone ringing ten, twenty times.   

The next day, she'd try AGAIN - but I wasn't going to answer the phone until WELL after visiting hours  and  shopping centers were closed   - if then.

Once the phone started ringing every half hour or so - with NO message - it only made me more determined to NOT answer.  I'd even crow, "Fuck off!" as I walked by the room. 

Day three- same as the last!  A non-stop barrage of phone calls I didn't answer until 11 PM, when she'd tell me she thought I was DEAD and I'd calmly reply I was BUSY - she told me nobody could be THAT busy and she'd do anything to talk to HER mother on the phone again.   

I told her I WAS that busy and I had no way of knowing it was her if she didn't leave a message.

Well, I HAD to take her to visit Ray.

I told her it wasn't happening and to call a cab, Uber, a friend or the senior van.  She told me she "just couldn't" and I told her I had to go.

Again - meals!  Shopping!  Both shot down and then straight up wheedling, like she forgot it didn't work - I told her no, and if she didn't stop, I was hanging up.

She didn't stop - I hung up.   

The next day - silence.  I knew she was up to something and I was right because the day after that she told the machine they were releasing Ray and I had to pick him up in a tone of voice that was like, "HA HA!  I win!"

I dove on the phone, told her I had too much going on and he was going to have to take a cab.

She GASPED and asked if I was sure.  I said yes and she slammed the phone down.

Here's the kicker - you'd think she'd learn, but NO!  Every single time Ray was in the hospital, it would go like this until I just stopped answering the phone after the first attempt, and later unplugged it until the time of night I knew my DH would be calling (he was always away on business and I was alarmed to find out I was the one arming her with info!  Once I stopped, she was a pretty good guesser!)

The only "logic" I can see at work here is, "It used to work!   It  has to work NOW!  Oh, what' s wrong with that stupid boy/girl!?" 

Yeah - we're defective because they're not getting their way. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let your dad go through his whining and machinations and remember - your phone BLOCKS.  Once you say NO, you don't have to listen to a bit of it.

He'll never learn, but at least it will be blessed quiet.   

Yes very similar. He just cannot see how I can possibly say no.
I've done that in the past. unplugged the house phone. Many times.....

Its not just requests though - HE HAS TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

Remember the time I had a chest infection? Sure I mentioned it. He phoned me EVERY day. I'd lost my voice and didnt want to speak to him. (I was so bad I didnt go into the office to see my client so no pay for the day - thats severe for me!).
So I told him not to ring, I needed rest, I'd call him in a day or two. Nope. 11am I'm asleep, hes ringing. I ignore it. 70+ times he rings. Then my brother starts ringing. Then I get facebook messages. Then I get abusive messages from brother "why am I being so selfish and making dad worry". Then he text the same to my wife (who was in work).
This is all before 4pm.

I was not impressed.... This is Dad all over. He has to be "in charge" and know everything.... His excuse "but I was worried about you"

[nanotech]

He's awful.
My dad at least backs off if I say I'm ill.
Your dad is relentless.
It's like he physically wants to walk in your shoes, knowing and seeing your life.
Ironic then they they can never empathise with us while in those shoes!
In fact, the opposite. They criticise and inform where we are going wrong .
I actually realised I'd never be good enough so I gave up.
Dad keeps mentioning mums grave. I haven't been there for a while. J don't allow myself to feel bad about that. I remind myself that I'll go when I feel I want to go.  I don't jump on the competition train that the other sibs are all on regarding attention to the grave. I used to be on that train. I'm not now.
Just dropping the rope, the mike, getting offa the train, whatever way you wanna put it.
I just no longer care whether dad is pleased with me or not.  I no longer care if sibs think I don't see dad enough, don't go to mum's grave enough, don't come to the appalling, excuse-for-abuse  family meals they put on.
Dad talks about a huge get together when things are 'back to normal.'
Wonderful. Have a nice time because I won't be there. I used to get anxiety for days leading up to them then I'd get abuse at the meal.
Kris Godinez made me realise - I didn't have to go, just because they are family.
Up to me now.
Their talk and their their opinions are obsolete. The chaos and upset of their guilt texting is over. They are blocked.
I'm sure they'll try the guilt stuff again when dad gets frailer. They'll be met with a medium chilled shrug, or complete silence.

UnpdBrother had it all worked out a few years ago. We moved somewhere (our dream home really ) and we settled properly. 
UnpdBrother looked at that bit of good news for us, and looked at what HE could gain from it. Dad did too.
We are thirty plus miles away from all that dad is used to, but they decided we were going to have dad to live with US. This would solve a heap of upcoming problems for brother and the other sibs!
The pressure was on for a good lot of months.
Dad;
' I'm choosing my room in your new house!'
' l would love to live here!'
Brother;
' Dad would love to live there. He's had enough of ( hometown).
And so on.

All I said in return?
' It won't work for me.'
( nod to WI)

That was it.

Sigh.
That incessant ringing and your flying monkey brother joining in is, I'm sorry, frankly disgusting.
I think you should just ignore it every time.
Like WI said, they can't make you pick up. We are a little bit addicted at first, to accepting the criticism and so eventually picking up. It's that darn trauma bonding and the cognitive dissonance that we must watch out for.

[p123]

He's awful.
My dad at least backs off if I say I'm ill.
Your dad is relentless.
It's like he physically wants to walk in your shoes, knowing and seeing your life.
Ironic then they they can never empathise with us while in those shoes!
In fact, the opposite. They criticise and inform where we are going wrong .
I actually realised I'd never be good enough so I gave up.
Dad keeps mentioning mums grave. I haven't been there for a while. J don't allow myself to feel bad about that. I remind myself that I'll go when I feel I want to go.  I don't jump on the competition train that the other sibs are all on regarding attention to the grave. I used to be on that train. I'm not now.
Just dropping the rope, the mike, getting offa the train, whatever way you wanna put it.
I just no longer care whether dad is pleased with me or not.  I no longer care if sibs think I don't see dad enough, don't go to mum's grave enough, don't come to the appalling, excuse-for-abuse  family meals they put on.
Dad talks about a huge get together when things are 'back to normal.'
Wonderful. Have a nice time because I won't be there. I used to get anxiety for days leading up to them then I'd get abuse at the meal.
Kris Godinez made me realise - I didn't have to go, just because they are family.
Up to me now.
Their talk and their their opinions are obsolete. The chaos and upset of their guilt texting is over. They are blocked.
I'm sure they'll try the guilt stuff again when dad gets frailer. They'll be met with a medium chilled shrug, or complete silence.

UnpdBrother had it all worked out a few years ago. We moved somewhere (our dream home really ) and we settled properly. 
UnpdBrother looked at that bit of good news for us, and looked at what HE could gain from it. Dad did too.
We are thirty plus miles away from all that dad is used to, but they decided we were going to have dad to live with US. This would solve a heap of upcoming problems for brother and the other sibs!
The pressure was on for a good lot of months.
Dad;
' I'm choosing my room in your new house!'
' l would love to live here!'
Brother;
' Dad would love to live there. He's had enough of ( hometown).
And so on.

All I said in return?
' It won't work for me.'
( nod to WI)

That was it.

Sigh.
That incessant ringing and your flying monkey brother joining in is, I'm sorry, frankly disgusting.
I think you should just ignore it every time.
Like WI said, they can't make you pick up. We are a little bit addicted at first, to accepting the criticism and so eventually picking up. It's that darn trauma bonding and the cognitive dissonance that we must watch out for.

OMG cant believe Dad and brother said that about moving in! Thats just awful....

Good for you though for ignoring the rest of the family. Nice one.

Yes Dad wants to walk in my shoes indeed. I should tell you the poo-gate story. We'd gone to the cricket match. I had a bit of a jippy belly. Not bad but hey ho, I had to go. So I want twice in about 3 hours.
I come back hes off "are you ok?", "yes dad". "Have you been to bathroom again?" Im shussing him at this point. we're sat with say 40 people who can all hear this conversation. He gets louder "so are you ill because you've been to the tolilet 3 times now?" People are looking over and sniggering. I pull a nasty face at Dad and tell him to be quiet.

Afterwards, I said, look Dad if I say I'm ok, then leave it. I certainly dont want to discuss in a crowd. He wouldn't have it. Convinced himself he was only looking out for me and no-one else was listening anyway! (they were!)
Hes does similar things about 100 times now. He wants the know the ins and outs of everything. Its just suffocating at times...

[Andeza]

This smothering, suffocating involvement you describe is called enmeshment. Your dad wants to be completely and totally enmeshed with all the minutiae of your life.

One day, p123, I've no doubt your dad and possibly your brother will start in on you the same as Nano's family. Won't get them far, but they'll probably try it anyway.

[p123]

This smothering, suffocating involvement you describe is called enmeshment. Your dad wants to be completely and totally enmeshed with all the minutiae of your life.

One day, p123, I've no doubt your dad and possibly your brother will start in on you the same as Nano's family. Won't get them far, but they'll probably try it anyway.

Yeh he seems to have no boundaries at all. All of my business is his business it seems. I should tell him everything I do.

He hates that I dont do it as much now. You can tell. A few times hes said things like "Oh I didnt know it was a secret".

[Adrianna]

This enmeshment is familiar. My grandmother wanted to know everything I was doing. It wore on my nerves and honestly I consider it now harassment.

[nanotech]

I used to  tell my mother everything to do with work and family.
It was like I didn't know where I ended and she began. She would tell my dad and my aunties as well as my PD sibs.