The 'Letter in the Drawer'...for when I'm dead.....

[sarandro]

I have been NC with NM for a month now, and I have been having flashbacks about some of the things she has said over the years.

One came to mind yesterday, so I thought I would ask what you all think.

When my enF had just died, my enBro and I were helping her sort out his papers, she said...

'In this drawer here are my letters to both of you and your sister, they are for when I'm dead' in a weird, (sinister) way.

What does this mean?
Why not say things while we are all alive and can talk about love/feelings in the present...the here and now?

Is it because she wants the last (and therefore, final) word?
The chance to scar us all for eternity with her critique or our lives?

To my mind, now, this is such an awful thing to contemplate....

If she wants to say how much she has always loved us...why not say it to our faces, in a loving way, so we can say it back (and mean it?)?

If she wants to shame and belittle us...well, carry on as normal, lady...no more of that for me right now, but my (both younger) GC sis and EnBro are wide open to this terrible thing hanging over us.
If they knew and understood what I have learned about her, they would be horrified.

Why would she do this, do you think?

[TriedTooHard]

Maybe she senses you've changed, and her control slipping away?  It sounds like a variation of "you're going to miss me when I'm gone..."

When that happened with my uNPDm, she started dropping more hints of her final arrangements.  Mysterious paperwork, visits to lawyers, funeral homes, and churches were hinted at.  When that didn't get much of a reaction, she then told me how much she admires my ability to take care of others, so in this mysterious paperwork, its all set up that I will be her caregiver, while GC brother will handle all her finances and assets.  Very strange considering she never could stand me being near her, and I've worked 3 decades in financial services.  Meanwhile, GC brother who never did well in school or financial matters, and is an alcoholic.

I just shrugged her off and told her that its odd I never got to see any of this paperwork, but it didn't matter, because I know exactly how I can legally walk away from it all and let GC brother have all the glory.  I told her how busy I am and thanked her for the opportunity, but I already had enough experience care taking my ill husband while my child was young.  That I didn't need any more of it.  I then went out and adopted another pet in need.

Sorry to go on about my own issues.  Long story short - please just ignore it and don't let her think you're at all interested!  I am sorry she's unable to share a warm moment with you face to face. 

[TriedTooHard]

And your enF had just passed, I am sorry for your loss.   The uPDs tend to do this when they see all the attention the recently departed are getting....

[spring13]

I am sorry for your loss. I agree that the PD parent often acts up even more than usual and looks for attention by doing things like writing these mysterious letters when the other parent passes away. They can't stand that the focus is not on them.

Don't forget that you can throw the letter away if it ever actually materializes. You don't have to read it and potentially be hurt by it. It sounds like a way to 'get the last word' and you're right; if it says something important, why not just say it now?

[sarandro]

Triedtoohard...
Your story rang true with me.
That is almost the same as my own situation with my brother.
spring13...
No I don't have to read it, she wants it to be a looming threat, so I probably won't.

I think she is trying to keep me crazy.

One last huge gaslight describing in writing how she never meant any harm.

Why not heal the harm now I say?

[Sojourner17]

I too am sorry for your loss.  I'm also sorry your mom is behaving in a way where NC is where things are at. 

I say don't read it... if it's still there. Yet I know myself enough to know I would be so. Darn. Curious!  Too curious for my own good.

Both of my parents are still alive so I really have no frame of reference for these dynamics but I know my mom always has to have the last word. She just can't help herself.

Peace to you as you move forward in NC and healing.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Whatever. So she wrote you some things she's too cowardly to say to your face or to have you respond to. And she wants it to be this big important sword of Damocles that will fall after she's gone. And I agree, steal some thunder from your father's passing. How pathetic, jealous of a dead person. 

There's enough speculation, but I think we agree it's a bizarre thing to do. Oh heck, one more. Maybe your mom claims to have unknown wealth and she is setting the three of you on a wild treasure hunt that will surely end in the three of you tearing your relationships apart and still no treasure. You finally find it years later and it's a bunch of Barbie dolls in original boxes stuffed in the basement that you would have loved to play with as a child but weren't allowed because then they would be worthless. Too bad they all got wet in the flood of '92. A legacy of a mother's love.

[sarandro]

My NM does have unknown wealth...Unknown to me, but my enBro knows, he has POA over her finances.
She has inherited one of her brother's estate and some from her older brother and sister in law, she owns her house etc.

Over the years, she has accumulated quite a lot, not that I would know. It is always 'when I'm dead, you will get some'.
I have always been the less well off sibling, the only one with their own family, the mother of her only three grandchildren.
She has never offered to help financially and I have always been too enmeshed to raise the subject.
She has never been interested in my/their lives at all, happy to have her other two children be the 'good ones'

Consequently, me and my FOC do not see her, so after my enF's funeral, I took the bold step of going NC., but money was not the reason as you all know.

It would have been so much better if she wanted to share her good fortune with those of her family in need....
Giving with warm hands and heart...not cold and dead.
Seeing the benefits in real life for her wonderful grandsons, who are now young men and working hard to make their way in life.

They are all back living at home with me and their Dad.
We are happy, but very cramped, one of them is living in the garden shed as our small cottage only has 2 bedrooms.
They are all working, but without much savings, they will have no chance at all to find their own places to live.

Their father and I give them all we can, which is not very much...they are kind and generous themselves and help us out with the rent and shopping etc. (My husband is out of work following a motorcycle accident and has major depression right now and I have a few health issues that mean I can't work at the moment)
Despite all that (my NM knows our situation) my NM would rather sit back and let us all struggle.

Don't get me wrong, I have been fortunate enough to receive a little money from her, but this was because my GC sis needed money to get a flat.
My bro and I got the same amount as well (so NM could seem to be impartial)
This was less than £800.

The issue for me is not directly about money, but for my NM..
Money = Love and the withholding of money is to teach me a lesson, I think.
In a loving relationship any mother would rather their children had all the money so they can live life.

I believe that the 'Letter in the Drawer' will be about money.
It will tell me that if I had only followed my NM's advice, that I would inherit something.
If only I had loved her (obeyed her) then I would be OK financially.

If only I hadn't been such a disappointment to her, stayed in my first (abusive) marriage, cow towed to her etc...

The letters for my siblings will include a large check and if I want any money I will have to go cap in hand to one of them.

So...why am I still curious about it...
Nm will have the last word, as always....unless I don't read it and throw it away.

She has always been jealous of anyone with more money than her...maybe she wants it to be known in her obituary that she was wealthy after all.
All the people she respected are dead, so who does she want to impress, I wonder?

I laughed about the metaphorical Barbie dolls...that would be a classic Narc thing to do!!!

[CakeManUK]

Hi
This rings a bell. My uNPD M has told me she is working on a folder for "when the time comes" which I presumed is the desired send off and other things. But then a follow up comment, "you've got one each". Why would me and my two brothers need one each? Surely the answer is they are personalised! So I am expecting a letter, a last word, as usual. If its nice or nasty its a guilt trip either way.
Options:
- don't read it
- get someone else (detached but aware and trusted) to read it and tell you if you need to know anything
- if horrible post it publicly on facebook/twitter
- return to sender at the chapel of rest.

[nanotech]

I'm thinking that if my unNPD dad pulls this idea on me, I'm going to tell him,

" Oh, I would never read a letter from someone who's passed. I just wouldn't ."

If he pushes it I'll be careful not to JADE, I'll just repeat matter -of - factly  that I would just never read one. 

"They are best not read. "

" It will have to go straight in the bin.."

I think this will work with my dad, maybe for you too?

[Kiki81]

My mom is a poison pen letter writer too. She started them when I went to summer camp, continued them when I was away at college, and then went for broke when I got married and moved 3k miles away. When I was a newlywed, I gained some weight (5 lbs) and I got a letter telling me any pregnancy while overweight would produce a severely handicapped child.

I have no doubt she has left a Final Letter for me at her place now that I am 5 years NC and she is 89. It will be unopened and shredded.

[WomanInterrupted]

I *thought* there was going to be a poison pen letter for me - and a list - but there wasn't.  I was very surprised the list was gone, but then again, I think all the people on it were dead.   

The list was a thing I'd been told, from my earliest days, that I HAD to do for unBPD Didi, after she died - write poison pen letters to every single person on it, telling them exactly what she thought of them.   

Even as I was saying, "Yes, I'll do exactly as you say..." - at the age of 12 (the last time I saw the list), I knew I was *never* going to follow through, but kept that information to myself.   

I was a little surprised it was missing from that place in her dresser where she'd shown me she kept it - and I was surprised it hadn't been replaced by her own missive of hate to me.   

If there had been one, I would have shredded it, unopened.  I already knew WTF she was going to say.  That's why I didn't see her in her final days.  She hated being told no, she hated boundaries and more than that, she hated *not getting her way, at all times.*

I'd been hearing  her bile and venom all my life and didn't need a repeat performance in any way, shape or form.   

Neither do you, Sarandro - or any of us.   

Shred it, burn it, throw it out, bury it in the back yard under a mound of dog doo - it's up to you, but I'd discard it, unopened and hold your head high.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh, I'm so sorry about the money drama. Well they say money talks, so one more reason you don't need to read that letter. You already know where you stand.