Christmas Package - with Cryptic Note

[Tried2bZen]

So, I just received a Christmas package from BPDM and enF - delivered to my work address (I presume they haven't been able to find our new private address since we moved across states this fall).  Our process in place is that my wife opens such deliveries and screens for any genuine note of remorse and gestures of making true amends (all "stuff" will be donated).

So far it has always been easy for my wife to spot that notes did not show genuine signs of remorse or making amends. This year's note left her uncertain and she decided to read it to me: "You only realize the true value, once you lost it."

I am not quite sure what to make of it. Do they mean they realized the true value in me now that they lost me to NC? Which we would be a sort of indirect apology or at least "positive" outeach. Or am I on the fast-track to bein in the FOG again?! 

Any thoughts welcome! 

[Psuedonym]

Hi Tried2bZen,

Unfortunately, coming from a PD person, I would interpret this to mean 'we are going to die one day and then you will feel bad and appreciate how great we were'.

If it was an apology there's no reason to be vague. If its saying that they miss you they could say 'we miss you'. That's what normal people would do. This one seems much more like a drive by Christmas guilt trip than anything.

Hang in there! Just one more day and we've all made it through Christmas!

[argh]

Not knowing your parents - I read that as just a straight out classic emotional manipulation. It's not saying sorry to you. It's saying you should feel sorry for me because I feel so bad that I messed everything up. Poor me.

I'd bin the note and move on.

[Tried2bZen]

Thanks so much, Pseudonym and Argh! You guys are right - in the bin, it goes!!! I tell ya it's so much easier to spot the manipulation when it's not aimed at yourself 

[Kiki81]

More criticism of YOU. That's what I see in their cryptic note.

Because it's never them if things go wrong 

[TwentyTwenty]

I agree with the above posts, and would add that a real msg of remorse may look more like this:

"I apologize for my assault and abuse toward you, and take full responsibility.

I need help, and am seeing a professional therapist to help me with my issues that have caused so much harm and pain."

But a narcissist has no such capacity to come to this point, so they'll just dangle a carrot hoping to place you back in their cage.

[GentleSoul]

It came across to me as pure manipulation and emotional blackmail too.

I agree it is helpful to run this stuff by other people who are not emotionally attached, it is far easier for detached third parties to see it for what it is.  I tend to do this as well.

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi Tried2bZen,
Unfortunately, coming from a PD person, I would interpret this to mean 'we are going to die one day and then you will feel bad and appreciate how great we were'.

Same here. From what I've dealt with over the years, it would mean exactly this. Most communications from my uPDmom have veiled meaning. Because I like to see the best in people, I always read these messages as written with the best intentions. Time after time I'm amazed at how wrong I am.

I'm sorry Tried2bZen, it doesn't seem as if the note from BPDm and eF is a sign of them taking any blame, quite the opposite in my opinion.

[JustKat]

My Nmother used to do the same thing with the cryptic notes inside the box of Christmas gifts. It's an attempt to guilt you, to make you question yourself, to generally mess with your head.

After I went NC I received a card from my Nmother that said "One day you'll learn the truth." Cryptic, weird, and designed to mess with my head, which it did at first. After a few days I was able to see it for what it was and laugh it off.

I think, in both of our cases, the message is meant to mean "You'll be sorry when I'm gone." It's one more tactic out of their playbook on guilting. Try to ignore it and enjoy your holiday!