Seeing father after a year NC at family event

[TrueRefuge]

Hi everyone,

I've posted here before and stepped away to get my mind off the toxicity of my situation and focus on healing. But I've a predicament that I think the wonderful people of this board will understand and be able to advise on.

I've been completely NC with my uNPD father for just over a year. I'm doing well with it, have a great therapist, supportive partner and friends. I don't regret my decision at all. I went NC after sharing my feelings with my father about our toxic relationship, his emotional abuse and neglect of me... I essentially asked for some space to heal, and said I would need some acknowledgement from him of my reality to continue our relationship. He - of course - wasn't able to do that, so after a few tantrums, he slunk away and we haven't spoken since last September.

My sibling is having a small socially distanced wedding in a few weeks.  At least it's a very short ceremony so me and my partner will be in and out within 2 hours - the ceremony and a short meal before heading home. It's non-negotiable that I'm going, but I know my father will be there and I'm understandably anxious. I trust myself to be fair, civil and polite, and as grey rock as possible where needed, and make sure the wedding is about my sibling, not me and my father. I'm not scared of him approaching me, I know I can be assertive and firm and non-emotional. I'm also prepared for feeling inevitably triggered afterwards, and have some time off after the wedding to relax and take care of myself.

I guess I'm anxious at the uncertainty: I have no idea how he's going to behave. Does anyone have any similar experiences - having gone NC in quite an overt way, and then having to see the person in a family event? How did it go? How did you handle it? How did you feel? Do you have any advice or strategies I can use?

Thank you so much, and good wishes to everyone out there.

TrueRefuge

[newlife33]

I've been 4 years NC from my father.  He showed up twice unannounced at two different apartments, sent packages to my work and then the last straw was he showed up at my job.

I believe you are prepared and have all the right tools in place.  When these things happened I was hit by a horrible anxiety and fear.  I did not wane and was assertive and ignored him and held my ground.  Afterwards I felt in shock and had a few days to a few weeks of trauma comedown.

I wouldn't worry about how you would feel or what he is going to do, I feel you are going to be ok.  You have support, you have good boundaries and you are realistic.  You are most likely going to be triggered, he most likely will try to manipulate you, you will resist and then take a few days to recover.  Best of luck and I know you will get through it ok 

[Stardust1982]

This sounds triggering so I understand you. But as long as you have grey rock in place and don't engage in his mental game (for this it would mean you'd have to sit for a while with him and talk) I don't think it's going to be a problem. The emotions are going to come out so prepare for that.
When I was NC with FOO, my mother called me put of the blue and broke NC with me. I was fuming as if the worst thing I could imagine happened.
However, I remembered grey rock and that grey rock is for me and not for them. I was polite and calm and told her some things I always wanted to say. Didn't show her any emotion. I then blocked her again and went on with my life. It took me a few days to get back to my true self.
I know it's not the same as your situation but the feelings are going to be the same. It's never easy when, after a long break from PDs we're gonna see them again. Having feelings no matter what these feelings are, is a normal thing. You wouldn't want any other way, right?

Anyway, we're there for you whatever happens.
xoxo

[Thru the Rain]

Will there be assigned seating at the short meal?

Make sure you aren't stuck next to your Father. If there's assigned seating, move the name tags around. Maybe enlist the help of a few people to sit around you as a buffer - your partner and a few others. And ask them to have LOTS of small talk ready to fill up all opportunities for your F to engage with you.
- "Did you see that new movie/TV show?"
- "Wow the weather is great/awful!"
- "What's your favorite curb-side pick-up restaurant?"
- Or ask everyone to be ready to talk at length about the new hobbies they may have started during quarantine.

Or if the gathering is really small, ask the bride and groom to tell the story of how they met, who proposed to whom, just tell the story of the beginning of their lives together.

Anything to keep the conversation flowing enough that your F has no room to engage you on personal topics.

[TrueRefuge]

These are all great replies, thanks so much for everyone's support.

I've just been sent the seating plan and I'm sat at the other end of the table to him, so I'm feeling a bit more relieved knowing I won't be in conversations-distance of him. We'll be in and out of the wedding, so if we can make it between the ceremony and the meal with no/minimal interaction, I think it will be alright.

Thanks again for commenting, I really appreciate it.