Can you be raised by a BPD mom and not be bpd

[Ariel]

So I started reading Understanding the borderline mother, and it seemed to be my childhood. Although I couldn't read very far it brought me such anxiety. So i do believe my mom may have bpd, also some narc. The question is .. can I be raised by a BPD mom and not be bpd. I thought I was a good mom, I don't think I put my kids down or verbally abused them. But now I am worried that I may have hurt them and not have known it. I have asked them and they said no. But would they know. I know I didn't rage at them. I really can't remember anything like that.

[Andeza]

Short answer, yes. You can be raised by a disordered parent/s and turn out to not be disordered yourself. Traumatized? Likely.

My mom is ubpd, but I don't think I am. I think I had some fleas, still might have a few, but I'm working on them.

If your kids essentially let you off the hook, I'd encourage introspection and self work on anything you are not happy with.

For instance, I was panicky and crazy about being on time for stuff. I've since learned that to deal with that feeling, I just tell dh we need to be wherever ten minutes before we actually need to be there. Crisis averted.

You may want to sit down with a pen and paper and list first all the qualities of yourself you don't like and want to work on, and then list all the things that are good about you. Balance is healthy.

[PeanutButter]

So I started reading Understanding the borderline mother, and it seemed to be my childhood. Although I couldn't read very far it brought me such anxiety. So i do believe my mom may have bpd, also some narc. The question is .. can I be raised by a BPD mom and not be bpd. I thought I was a good mom, I don't think I put my kids down or verbally abused them. But now I am worried that I may have hurt them and not have known it. I have asked them and they said no. But would they know. I know I didn't rage at them. I really can't remember anything like that.

I dont think Ive ever heard that if your mother is bpd then that means you will be.
I do think a bpd parent causes a child to have a certian set of defenses, coping stategies, and attachment style. I think it may also cause fleas in the child.
I have similar worries. It hurts to know we unintentionally hurt our children. From my own experiences with my ubpdM's reactions to me, i feel the most important thing is that I dont put the weight of this anxiety on my children, lest they feel like they must make me feel like I did good as a mom or I wont be ok.
I also have to stop and sit with the feelings when the book triggers me so I can really get to the specifics of the behaviors that I did that I now am concerned were harmful to them.
The only way through it is through it (someone hear on the forum says that)
I must accept myself with all my flaws. I cannot change what I dont acknowledge.
I accept that just because I didnt rage or hit (like my ubpdM), that is not the only measurement of my success or failure as a mom. I accept the behaviors I unknowingly harmed my children with. I forgive myself and will apologise and make amends without making explanations of extinuating circumstances or excuses I didnt know any better when I talk to my children about them.

[whensday]

I thought I was a good mom, I don't think I put my kids down or verbally abused them. But now I am worried that I may have hurt them and not have known it. I have asked them and they said no. But would they know. I know I didn't rage at them. I really can't remember anything like that.

This level of self awareness likely means you're not bPD.  In my short time on this forum I've seen this type of question often and generally the response is that if you did have a PD you would think nothing was wrong! 

In therapy I brought up my concern that I had a PD after learning my parent did.  My therapist and I went through the DSM criteria for the PD I was worried I had.  Anything I answered yes to she would ask if the level of my behavior would be normal or reasonable for healthy people - because it's not that the DSM criteria are outlandish, most people exhibit the behaviors occasionally, on a low level.  When she put it that way, most of the time my answer was yes, I think it's reasonable, and we went through a couple examples.  For most PD's if you have 4 or more of the traits it likely indicates a PD, she ended with "you're like a 2.5 out of 4." Phew! I found it pretty validating.  It could be a worthwhile exercise for you as well. 

Let's say worst case, you are bPD, again, the awareness you have is huge, and bPD's can have success in therapy, so regardless, your outlook is never hopeless <3

[moglow]

Short answer: Yes. I also think people can also be raised by a nonPD mother/parent, yet become PD. I think personality disorders are a combination of nature vs nurture, and there's no set equation = PD other than the individual's ultimate behavioral choices. Yes, I think it's a choice - sad tormented and painful but still choice.

I say that because I've seen my mother in full on meltdown rage, stop and answer a telephone call with all sugary sprinkles and rainbows, and pick that rage right back up when she hung up the phone. Watched it with my own eyes - she *chose* to respond that way, on both sides. And honestly seemed proud of herself for being able to flip that switch. For her I think it's a choice for controlling whatever she can, and pretty damn poor choices at that.

I think asking and talking with your children about this is a great measuring stick. If you got a deer in the headlights refusal to answer, I'd tend to believe they're afraid of your reaction to their truth. Were that the case, I'd suggest asking more questiins and probing furthet, apologize for any harm, and work to change those behaviors going forward. Maybe talk with them on a different level, tell them some of what you survived and let them know it left you with doubts about your own parenting.

I think it's up to us to change the future and start by breaking the patterns of our pasts. We can only do that with the courage to ask difficult questions and be willing to accept sometimes hard answers.

Side note - I once asked my (then 8-10 yr old) niece if I reminded her of grandma and held my breath while she hesitated to answer. She said that I used to sometimes but hadn't been "like that" in a long time. I realized that she trusted me with the truth, and that was all the reassurance I needed.

[gcj07a]

Obviously the answer is yes. But, like many others, you may have some baggage. I was raised by EnD and uBPDm. I have had a handful of diagnoses as an adult, most prominently (and consequential to my own relationships with my wife and kids) OCD. I've also had bouts of Major Depression and I was diagnosed back in late August with C-PTSD. One of my frequent intrusive thoughts associated with my scrupulosity (the subset of OCD I mostly struggle with) is that I am/will/have treated my kids like I was treated. And sure, all parents screw up, but the kicker is whether you can recognize it, apologize, and change.

I think the essential difference is this: if you have the ability to step out of yourself and look at your actions and words and ask in a healthy, introspective way if you harmed your kids, then I think it is highly unlikely that you have BPD. A true PWPD will only ever get there after serious counseling, especially DBT.

Hope that helps!