Codependent no more

[11JB68]

I'm about 80% into this one and really struggling with it.
One of the definitions made sense to me. But I'm really struggling with the concept that codependents are trying to control others. I thought I was codependent... But uocpdh is a classic control freak... He micromanages me, my life, monopolizes my time, micromanages ds....I don't see myself as the controller here...
Also the God part of the 12 step model just does not resonate with me...

[GettingOOTF]

This was my initial reaction to reading the book. My ex was also really controlling and I didn't see myself as controlling in the least. I was though.

My expecting him to change the way he was so I could be happier in the relationship was the ultimate in control. What I should have done was left and found someone who shares my values and lifestyle. Instead I stayed in the marriage and tried every thing I could to get him to change all the while complaining to anyone who'd listen about his various issues. Of course there were valid complaints on my behalf but my expectation was that it was him who would do the changing, not me.

It was hard to see my behavior as control as I was technically "right".  Of course he should take care of his health, come home when he said he would, get and hold a job that supported the lifestyle he wanted, not throw his clothes and assorted trash all over the floor, shower frequently, not put on filthy underwear after he showered, not buy crap we couldn't afford - once he knew we were overdrawn and he went to multiple stores to buy things.  We ended up with hundreds of dollars in over draft fees as they changed $15 for every transaction. One of his transactions was for 3 limes! These are all reasonable expectations of anyone but he didn't want to do these things.

The conflict in our marriage came down to me not being able to accept him for who he was and walk away. Instead I stubbornly assumed I knew best and tried to control all our interactions. This is classic Codependent behavior - thinking one knows better than another. 

I ignored all the 12 Step etc. stuff in the book. I found this to be a very powerful and insightful book. It was the first time I ever considered that my actions were contributing to my unhappiness. It was a very tough pill for me to swallow.

Our marriage was complete chaos. There was drama every day. Had I not been so Codependent I would have walked away. Instead I thrived, in a very toxic way, on the chaos. I took so much pride in how much I did for him and how much I sacrificed myself to make sure he had what he wanted. My entire identity was this relationship chaos, which is also classic Codependency.

As you know, I recommend this book to everyone I see in a similar situation to mine. You may not be Codependent, that's not what I'm saying. This book truly changed my life but it wasn't an over night thing. I have read it multiple times. My experience was that after a round of healing I was more easily able to accept some more of the writing.

One of the more painful things I came to see about my behavior in my marriage was that it wasn't just controlling it was also manipulative. I bristled at that too for a very long time as I believe my motives are always good, but now I'm able to see my actions for what they were.

This was my journey.

[pianissimo]

I haven't finished this book because I read it from time to time. I listen to an audio version of it when I feel like it.

In its introduction, its somewhat religious spirit put me off, but, as I kept listening to the audiobook, what I heard made a lot of sense. I actually like the depiction of codependents as people who try to control other people. It gives codependency a negative spin. This makes sense to me because I feel like there is something dark about codependency. Also, I find it easier to detect a codependent thought or behavior pattern when I think of it as something negative. For example, I do try to control how people think of me. I think I might have done this to an extreme before I discovered what kind of relationships I was going after. Without knowing, I was trying to look appealing to certain kinds of people: not too demanding, easygoing, fun.  I suppose I didn't do this 24/7, but, I was self-conscious around people I liked. Not surprisingly, especially when I feel down, I regret anything I did authentically in the past, and I feel shame because of the idea that people at the time must have thought awful things about me. I think, in general, especially when I first meet people, I'm extremely careful how I come across. I do my best to find a balance between not giving offense and not looking fake. So, I do try to control people's thoughts about me in some sense. There is a part of me that is terrified of being misunderstood. So, no wonder I feel anxious around people. I have been working on this but I have realized that I am still very sensitive to how people think of me. But, in the process of reading this book, I have discovered that I can make some of these anxieties go away by telling myself "Leave people alone, let them think whatever they want to think". This works because it formulates my suffering as a consequence of something I do to people instead of as something people do to me.

Like I said, I haven't finished the book yet, but I had this revelation yesterday while reading it, and I felt like writing my thoughts here.

[Matteblak]

I'm in the middle of it and it has helped me confront the "me" part of the relationship. I was definitely contributing, but not substantively (like a thimble of gasoline on a forest fire. However, it was empowering for me to stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and I was doing that ALOT.