NC has brought forth many realizations.

[freedom77]

First..a trigger warning. Child abuse and sexual abuse content. Also gay bashing comments from abuser.

Since going NC just over 2 months ago...I've come to realize so many things, and memories have resurfaced as well.

For the 1st time in my life I realize my BPD/N mother sexually abused me. I had suspected it over the years, but wasn't sure if that was what it really was. Now I am convinced that what she did to me was a form of sexual abuse.

I can't remember if she actually touched my off limits areas...but she sexualized me in many ways, and I feel that is a form of sexual abuse. I really have to get this off my chest, because it's been bothering me every day. I wake up and it's the 1st thought on my mind.

I can recall being a little girl, from ages 4 up, and mother referring to me as "sexy". I remember being at the mall when I was about 7 and she picked out a child's bikini for me, and choose the blue one over the red one, because it would bring out my eyes more, and it was "sexier".

I cannot ever remember picking anything out for my own DD and having the term "sexy" come to mind. I have never bought anything for my DD (who is almost 10) with the thought of making her more attractive to others. I have bought things I thought were cute in a childlike way, or styles I thought she'd like, or allow her to choose, but never once did I think "oh this would look sexy on her".  That's just weird.

I recall being around 7 or 8 and mother encouraging me to put on her naughty lingerie as dress up, and then had me parade around in front of her boyfriend, on many occasions.

I remember her placing a great deal of emphasis on looks, on body development. She would often shame my development, then on the next breath, emphasize how important it is to be attractive to men.

She left me alone with unsavory characters thru out my childhood, left me in unsafe situations, and left me alone with the boyfriend who often agreed with her how "sexy" I was, and practically drooled when mother had me strut around in her lacy, see-thru teddies.

She would have sex with the boyfriend with me in the same room. She also had sex with him in the living room one time when I had girls over for a sleepover, and we could all hear them moaning and grunting. I was so mortified I wanted to die right then and there.

When I was 11 she interrogated me about my private parts, and asked if I masturbated, and then told me it was disgusting to do so. I didn't answer because I felt so gross about her even asking me that.

At different times in my life, especially when I was 13, she would make me sleep in her bed with her, sometimes with the boyfriend. I don't recall her ever touching me per se, but the boyfriend would sneak his hand over and squeeze my buttocks and touch my frontal area, while she was in bed turned away from us. I'm not sure if she knew.

At 14, I had a close female friend who came out as gay. Mother asked me in a nasty tone, "Does she want to eat your pussy?" Again, I felt so grossed out by such a question, I remained silent. She took my silence as agreement, and then derided me with name calling, "Oh you must be a lezbo too...so you're a dyke now huh? Pussy eater!" The truth is, I am not gay, I just didn't know how to handle such a weird question from my own mother.

Thru out my childhood I remember mother and boyfriend, or sometimes just mother and me watching movies with very steamy sex scenes, and she totally allowing it. I don't even let my DD watch kissing scenes as I feel it is beyond her development. Yet mother was totally okay letting me watch R rated movies as  young as 4 I can recall. The boyfriend had Playboys and porn movies left out in plain view.

I told mother he was molesting me and had me watch XXX porn for years. I was nearing my teens when I finally got the guts to tell her. She waffled between calling me a liar, or blaming me for it.

I recall many occasions when mother would describe in painful detail her sex life to me. This started when I was about 13. She would describe her various lovers she'd had, or currently had, comparing their penis sizes, their technique, whether they went down on her and how, who was better at it. She would give me tips on how to have better sex, to lift my hips. How to give good blow jobs. I was 13. I was not having sex or giving blow jobs to anyone.

This dialogue of her sex life continued right up until NC two months. From time to time, she'd bring up sex details or old lovers. Even though I would tell her how uncomfortable and creeped out it made me. Then she started to blurt out inappropriate information in front of DD, and I was pissed and told her so. She'd poo poo it, but I knew then I was on my way to NC, and no longer believed she was safe for my DD to be around. Mostly because she was starting to overly criticize DD and be mean to her in small ways, and it became clear to me DD was just a source of narc supply to her.

I regret ever allowing her to be alone with my DD, and I thoroughly questioned DD if anything sexual ever happened to her. DD insists nothing ever happened. No men ever came over, grandma never talked about privates or anything related to that. No dirty movies.

You see I felt mother had changed with age, and she has, at least sexually. She hasn't had a boyfriend in over 15 years. She is celibate. She had a hysterectomy and with complications where everything prolapsed and supposedly her vagina collapsed and now she has no vagina (her diagnosis, don't know if it's true or not), so she claimed to have lost all interest in men and sex. She's nearing 70 now. I believed DD was safe from any sexual stuff since mother is old now, and has shown no interest in men or sex. Except she would from time to time bring up old lovers' details to me, I believe just to annoy me as she knows I don't like it.

Anyway, did mother sexually abuse me in some way? I feel like my person was violated, so therefore I kinda feel like she did.

[GettingOOTF]

I found that when I finally went NC a lot of memories and realizations came up. I think we stuff these down when we are still in contact as they are too painful to allow us to continue the relationship.

What you describe sounds like sexual abuse to me. If I knew a child being treated the way you describe I'd report it and have it looked into.

The more I read about your mother the more admiration I have for you.

[D.Dan]

Yes, you were sexually abused.

Not only that, but she sexualized you to herself and other adults setting you up to be more easily molested/raped.

My own uPDmom did this to me. My mom had a form of enmeshment where she actually thought/thinks I'm actually her too, and assumed it was okay to switch out with me when she didn't feel like pleasuring her boyfriend/friends! (I am the only one of 4 who looks almost exactly like her, which I think made it easier for her to think this way)

An ambulance person once mentioned "delusional disorder" in regards to my mom's behaviour. Might explain some of your uPDm's...uhhh, big bad behaviour. Which is bad. Very, VERY bad.

I'm sorry this happened to you, I wish I could build a time machine and save all the children like ourselves, so they can just be children!

[Maxtrem]

I'm really sorry you went through all this! In my opinion it is a form of sexual abuse that could have caused you a lot of damage. I congratulate you for taking your daughter away from your mother and staying NC. According to my psychologist, an excellent way to find out if it is abuse, you have to ask yourself what you would do if you witnessed such a situation towards a child? If the answer is to contact the authorities, there is a good chance that it is abuse.

I'm not NC with my uBPDM (she's in therapy and I'm holding on to that), but some childhood memories have recently emerged while I was at work. I have almost no memory of my childhood. The memories that surfaced were threats of death from my mother because I had been doing poorly in school and another one where I was 6 years old and planning to buy a gun when I was old enough to commit suicide. I still don't know why these memories surfaced   

[blacksheep7]

Wow....she sure did abuse you sexually and I'm so sorry for you.



I don't know your background story but the fact of what she did to you and still talks sex without any boundaries, you did the right thing going nc for you and your dd. 

You need to heal from this and not having a relationship with her is a must.   

take care

[Whitesheep45]

Hi freedom 77
Having courage to tell our stories is such a good act of self care when done in a safe environment..
It's uncomfortable to read others abuse esp when from a parent.
People acting out their own abuse onto others is so common... I wonder if that is what was happening back then to you?
What happened fits into a sexual abuse category from what I understand.. Explotation, neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse by touching,

Getting specific help/therapy will be important...

I'm sorry this happened to you...