Family gossip and consequences

[samia]

For the last couple months, I've been NC with my parents and my sister.

Recently, I spent time with my brother and our discussion included what my parents and sister have been saying since I've ceased speaking with them. In short:

• My sister has been asking about me and "wanting to reach out"
• My mother told my siblings the cruel things she said to me from our last interaction
• All three are slandering my husband to my other siblings

My brother is still in the thick of it, and still tries to accommodate for their emotions. He was worried that their slander was true, i.e. that my husband was abusive or controlling. I have made mistakes communicating my conflicts with my husband in the past; after a terrible fight with my father, I spent a couple months spiraling about whether my husband was right for me or not, afraid of being in an abusive relationship, and I told these unhealthy family members these fears.

I am positive this was unchecked OCD stemming from extreme stress; I haven't been to therapy so I can only theorize. But it made the most sense to me after research, and I had also (what I now understand) JADEed about these things to try and save face with my other family members.

My family has a history of disapproval and distrust of significant others. My brother recognizes this, and he said that so has my other brother after they both endured a bout of this gossip. Whether it was a sibling's romantic partners or a parent's, my mother in particular would refer to them as untrustworthy. Usually it would start the moment they heard of difficult times in the relationships. Once a person showed their "true colors" my mother would proceed to call them awful names and slander their character, and the healthier and more competent the person was, the more distrusting she would be. She frequently refers to ALL former female partners of my siblings and father as "skanks".

So, my parents and sister are gossiping to my brothers that my husband is "the one controlling me/keeping me from them". Of course, all of this slander is masked with "concern"; they just love me, they're worried about me, they think he can't be a "good provider", all of these awful criticisms and accusations. They cling to any shred of negativity they've heard from me and outright ignore the positive things I've discussed and when I've admitted my own mistakes and histrionics about my relationship. They've invalidated my relationship to my face numerous times.

I told my husband what I heard, and the information caused him terrible stress. He couldn't eat for an entire day. My husband is deeply affected by the whiplash of dealing with such nasty people. That they've gotten worse over time. The things they accuse him of are things so antithetical to him that it makes him sick.

Then, I feel terribly guilty for ever telling him. My own demons/OCD tell me the only way to save him from that pain is to leave him, like everything is that "simple". We've been together over half a decade and even lived in a foreign country together, are happily married, and are having a baby, and yet my brain gets whacked out from the pain and tells me "oh, my family is being evil/I'm being evil, it's better just to doubt everything and jump ship and that'll surely save him." It feels like being cursed.

I'm conflicted about posting this. On one hand I'm sure even this action alone is playing into my own issues and attempts at coping, on the other hand I have to do something different than just regurgitating these hurtful things to my husband. I'm open to hearing what anyone thinks of has to say, and thank you for reading this.

[NarcKiddo]

It sounds to me like you felt the need to get the story out to someone and the obvious person to confide in was your husband. And in many ways, why not? You've been together for a while, are happily married and have a baby on the way. It sounds from what you say that your relationship is happy and solid. However, your husband is not a therapist (I assume - and even if he was a therapist it is probably not the best idea to rely on him for those skills). If you are feeling bad and guilty about telling him things to the point that you wonder whether to leave the relationship then it seems to me that you are better off finding another outlet for confiding what is going on. As such, it is great that you are here. I would strongly recommend getting some therapy if you can, though.

As for the family behaviour around significant others, this does not surprise me.  My mother in particular, but my father also, have always made a point of putting down my sister's partner to me (every partner she has ever had). I am sure they do the same as regards my husband when they are speaking to her. When I told my family that I was considering a divorce after over 20 years of marriage, my mother and sister were absolutely delighted! In fact, their delight (sold to me as their being supportive) was so obvious that it made me rethink the whole idea and talk things through properly with my husband. We decided to stay together. We are much happier now.

Wishing you all the best.

[samia]

It sounds to me like you felt the need to get the story out to someone and the obvious person to confide in was your husband. And in many ways, why not? You've been together for a while, are happily married and have a baby on the way. It sounds from what you say that your relationship is happy and solid. However, your husband is not a therapist (I assume - and even if he was a therapist it is probably not the best idea to rely on him for those skills). If you are feeling bad and guilty about telling him things to the point that you wonder whether to leave the relationship then it seems to me that you are better off finding another outlet for confiding what is going on. As such, it is great that you are here. I would strongly recommend getting some therapy if you can, though.

As for the family behaviour around significant others, this does not surprise me.  My mother in particular, but my father also, have always made a point of putting down my sister's partner to me (every partner she has ever had). I am sure they do the same as regards my husband when they are speaking to her. When I told my family that I was considering a divorce after over 20 years of marriage, my mother and sister were absolutely delighted! In fact, their delight (sold to me as their being supportive) was so obvious that it made me rethink the whole idea and talk things through properly with my husband. We decided to stay together. We are much happier now.

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you so much for your message. And no, my husband is not a therapist. It feels good to have someone kindly suggest a redirection to a healthier outlet, instead of being dismissive or reprimanding. I have made some attempts at securing a therapist but haven't met with one yet. I'm intimidated by the prospect but, this does look to be my next step. Thank you again.

[moglow]

Ah family gossip cloaked in "what's best for you" rather than genuine concern for and thereby reaching out to you with compassion. EVERY couple has issues and miscommunications from time to time [every relationship really, if you think about it] - running with "there's abuse and we need to talk about it!!" is some's preferred method. Thing is, if you wanted to talk about it and needed their input, you'd ask. But no. It sounds awfully like an information gathering expedition rather than trying to help. Oh, you're not talking to them about it anymore? Then guess what, fam, Samia isn't interested in talking about it with you!!

So, my parents and sister are gossiping to my brothers that my husband is "the one controlling me/keeping me from them". Of course, all of this slander is masked with "concern"; they just love me, they're worried about me, they think he can't be a "good provider", all of these awful criticisms and accusations. They cling to any shred of negativity they've heard from me and outright ignore the positive things I've discussed and when I've admitted my own mistakes and histrionics about my relationship. They've invalidated my relationship to my face numerous times.

While I'm sure it's "helpful" to have those things validated from others, remember that NONE of it is any of your business and you don't have to answer to any of their concerns. It doesn't matter what they think or say, they're not living your life. There's not one thing you or your husband need to do to "reassure" anyone other than yourselves, because you're the only ones responsible for your relationship. Make it clear that you don't believe their nonsense and venom, that you talk with him about those things to reassure yourself and to reinforce that your relationship comes first. If you didn't tell him and things came out later, he might feel slighted or that you don't trust him - but that doesn't mean there's anything to be done with their garbage. It's just sharing information so you're both on the same page.