Brain Dump - Extreme Sorrow and Confusion

[BPDParent1]

Hello everyone - its been a couple years since I've been on the site but I'm in a place where I need some support, validation, and people that understand.  This is really just a brain dump because I feel like I need to just let out things Ive said 10,000 times but have ultimately not led me to much.  My husband is understandably frustrated with my inability to disconnect from my BPD father and has basically said he just doesn't want t talk about it anymore because it doesn't lead to any solution and he feels that at some level its just enabling me to feed into the constant rumination and obsession with the topic.

I have to small children, 2 and 5, and am really struggling lately.  I strangely feel like there were several experiences that coincided and resulted in my really looking at my life situation at the moment, especially as it relates to my BPDf, who, if I'm honest, is my life situation, despite me only seeing him once per month. Heartbreakingly, though, it's almost s if he's convinced me that any time I'm able to get away from him is just some sort of gift and that, ultimately, he'll "get me" again with the next visit, call etc. I get physically sick the week before I have to see him and basically live my life in increments - great life right after seeing him because Im "free" for a few weeks, then progressively goes downhill from there until I am sick the week before.

The first incident that upset me was that I had a client and, separately, a colleague with children the same ages as mine die abruptly - one from a sudden stroke and the other one was murdered during a completely random home invasion/attempted burglary.  It was so upsetting to me in large part because it emphasized how short life is and how you never know if it's the last time you'll see your children etc.  About a month prior to that, I had a horrible experience with the antidepressant Effexor.  I had been taking Effexor (along with other antidepressants) for probably ten years. I was really sick with the flu and forgot to take it one day - as anyone ho has taken effexor knows (but I had not yet experienced), it has a short half life and you will likely experience withdrawal if you forget to take it for a day.  The withdrawal (which I initially thought was a worsening of the flu) plus the underlying sickness led to horrible lucid dreaming and just a completely altered sense of reality.  What I took from the experience was that I had been essentially silencing my inner voice that was telling me there were major issues (well, one) in my life by taking (several) antidepressants (which had absolutely helped me and I would consider at some point taking again, when appropriate). Unfortunately, for me, I realized that I was taking the medication so that I could "get through" visits and, ultimately, having any relationship with my BPD father and be able to deal with ongoing emotional abuse.  I was not taking them for the purposes of giving me strength to move forward and stand up to him. So, over the last couple months, I have tapered off my antidepressants.  In the process, the fear and constant rumination over my BPD father has taken center stage.  I'm starting to see though that the rumination is likely my mind trying to figure out a way to "fix" the situation that will allow me to have the parent that I want and deserve.  Ultimately, I feel that the confusion and feeling of total panic are the result of my mind trying to get around the inevitable conclusion that I cant have a relationship with this person.

Around this time I also came across Franz Kafka's "A letter to my father" and "the judgment" - I have never read such a perfect description of parental abuse.  (summary - https://www.themarginalian.org/2015/03/05/franz-kafka-letter-father/). It made me sick to my stomach reading it.  Same goes with "The Judgment" - the feelings it brought up for me were disturbing - just the disgust, inability to get away, darkness, isolation and ultimate destruction of the main character by his father.  I still get nauseous thinking about it.  I have hd recurrent nightmares throughout my life about trying to get away from my father and not being able to - hes lwways chasing me, showing up places he shouldn't be etc.  Ultimately, I think Kafka's work is so upsetting to me because he ultimately died still in the clutches of his father's power - he broke off his engagement largely due to his father's disapproval and then died at 41 from tuberculosis.  Throughout his "letter to my father" you also see him repeatedly trying to comfort his father (As I take it) by telling him that, underneath it all, he (father) is ultimately warm hearted and spreading the blame for their dysfunctional relationship between the two of them rather than solely onto his father where it likely belongs. 

Having small children without having had parents who were good role models is hard - I feel like the most important thing in the world for me is to be a good parent but at the same time, I have to figure out why that means by myself.  It has also opened my mind to parental abuse - I now see my innocent little children and think about how I would NEVER purposely make them feel bad.  It's also so clear to me now that children dont owe their parents anything - it has been instilled in me for as long as I can remember that children owe their parents - not the other way around.  My son has ADHD and is a sensitive child.  I question every decision I make with my kids and whether its good for them.  I always feel like its my fault if something goes wrong - like my son must feel bad because of X,Y,Z because I'm a bad mom, I didn't do something right, he can sense that something is wrong with me.  I try so hard to get my father's voice out of my head when im making decisions.  I have a hard time trusting my decisions.  I think this is in large part because my dad's opinions were always changing based on his mood when I was little - there was never any rhyme or reason to anything.  One day he would hate someone (and you'd better agree) and the next that person was the best (and you'd better agree).  He would scream at us about washing our hands while his were filthy.  SO I think I learned that "right" and "wrong" were based on his reaction, not the situation.  And whether I was "right" or "wrong" determined whether I was "good" or "bad" - there was (and is) no in between. You could never anticipate what would happen based solely on facts because his opinion was always changing and his judgment was so extreme.  So now I have no frame of reference other than others reactions and my dads voice is always there to point out all the possible bad outcomes in every situation and, if any of them happen, to say "this is your fault".  And since he often had (strong) opinions that completely conflicted with each other and were often the opposite opinion, my mind always defaults to the negative one.

Sadly, so so so sadly, I've realized something that's been so clear all along when viewed from the outside - he will never stop abusing me.  I have tried so so so hard for so long to make this relationship work and I've always thought that eventually, if I tried hard enough, I could make it tolerable or different - but why???  Why do I have to try so hard?.  And until recently, I've subconsciously thought that it was my job to learn to just deal with it, to not be so upset by how rude he is, to not take it seriously etc.  I cant do that though because I'm not coming from a healthy mindset - the years and years of abuse when I dont comply doesn't allow me to just "let it roll off".  My husband says that everyone else just sees my father was a "buffoon" that they want to get away from and has a hard time understanding how I can see him as anything else.  He often insists that we go to a rec center with him because "the kids would like it".  He then gets in nasty arguments with several people on the way in - including insulting the teenage lifeguards etc.  I dont even say anything because it would just make it worse - he would just scream his nasty reasoning at me and then direct his hatred my way - so it feels like setting. boundary isn't possible.  I dont want my kids seeing that behavior but I dont feel like I have the power to stop it.  Then, when we go into the facility, every single person that sees him quickly leaves whatever area he's entering.  He doesn't speak with any of his siblings  - and doesn't ever even mention they exist any more.  My uncle told my husband that his life is just so much more peaceful now that my father isn't in it.  I sadly dont talk to them anymore because I feel like they're too connected to my father and I just want to be free from him.  I feel like im typing all of this just to "prove" that im not the crazy one - he really is not a healthy person to be around.

Any tiny glimpse of kindness or something that could be interpreted as caring about me and my family I've held onto as "proof" that my father cares.  I cry as I write this because I am so so sad at such a deep level that I cant even describe it.  Part of me still holds onto the most pathetic actions as proof of kindness (one time he suggested that my husband and I should visit somewhere and he didn't include himself in the scenario - my mind STILL thinks of that moment as one where he was caring about me). 

I feel like I not ever be able to heal if I continue contact with him.  It breaks my heart.  I think I may be grieving something that never was though because I cant think of any single benefit of having him around - the sole reason he comes over is because I avoid a rage by allowing him.  It's not a situation where I can remember ever having a meaningful conversation with him.  I have to change his ringtone on my phone fairly often because I get dizzy and nauseous when I hear it.  I agreed to text him on Sundays (with the unspoken agreement that we dont text otherwise), but my entire day is ruined because im anxious and spacey all day in preparation for a one line text - I never know when he will just lash out at me with insults. I literally tense up whenever there's any contact with him - it reminds me of that pie in the face game where you crank the lever and dont know whether it will trigger release and you'll get hit.

I've noticed since being off the antidepressants that I've been experiencing what I think is disassociation when he lashes out at me - I get really dizzy and fuzzy and cant remember simple things.  My kids will be asking me something and I wont even hear it until I hear them saying "mom? mom?" I am on hyper alert when hes around and I cant even pay attention to someone talking to me because im always conscious of where he is and what hes saying. Even on antidepressants I experience this, but not to the level that I am now.

I recently told him that he couldnt come over this weekend because my husband and I have been traveling for work and we needed some family time with the kids but that we would go to his house in a couple of week.  He didn't even reply about us going to his place (which I dread and hate and get nothing out of other than "buying time" so he stops bothering me about coming over).  He told me he needs to see the kids more often and then told me basically that I'm a bad mother for having to travel for work and that kids need to be with their mother every day.  I am trying my best at parenting and hes constantly constantly criticizing my decisions.  Last time he visited he went on and on about how they weren't drinking enough milk.  I told him they eat yogurt every day and he made me take out the yogurt so he could show me how it didn't have vitamin d in it.  I asked him repeatedly to stop talking about it and he would not let it go and then I snapped and he said he "couldn't believe I would get so upset over a suggestion".  It's just constant - absolutely constant.  He asks for a cup of water, then when I have that he asks for ice, then when I have that he asks for a straw. (thats a real example of something he did)  He will go and go and go until I fail. 

I feel so trapped.  I want to have time to heal. I want to go NC with him, but I feel like it won't work and then things will get worse.  He'll never let me live down not talking to him - he'll say I'm withholding HIS grandchildren to control him (enforce boundaries). Notably, my son is only five but he already senses something is seriously wrong with my father.  I feel so controlled by him.  I have basically refused to go on a vacation with my wonderful inlaws and sister-in laws family because I know that he will rage and guilt me because HE wants to go on vacation with us.  I will never go on vacation with him, so what I've done is made it so I dont go at all so that I dont have to explain to him why I would go with other people but not him. 

Will I ever be free?  I'm so vulnerable and uncertain that I'm right (if there's uncertainty or any gray - im probably wrong in my mind) that anyones opinion that hes somehow okay tips me into self loathing.  I also feel like my kids deserve so much more than me - I cant even be a whole person.  I cant protect myself or them.  I remember when my son was born and I was trying to nurse him in private (in a room with the door closed) and my dad came in  despite me telling him not to and just wouldn't leave  - he just said "it's okay" as though he was the one who made the determination.  That memory disgusts me.  I was in such sorrow that night because it was my first week home with my first child and I felt like he was already showing me that I cant protect him and I cant protect myself.

I just needed to get all of that out. I feel like I need to go NC.  I dont think im strong enough to heal if hes in my life and the only reason he would be in my life is to avoid his rage (allying him to manipulate me).  It also confuses me because there will be one visit that doesn't go horribly and then I'll question whether it's just me -if im the crazy one.  Setting boundaries doesn't work because ever interaction is a horrible one. Our weekly texts which I view as his way of making sure im "in line" could just be copied and pasted every week. ("hope youre well.  e're fine.  have a great week" followed by his response telling me how he doesn't see us enough and we need to tell him a date that he can come (every single week he asks this).  I dont tell him anything about my life, like about my new garden, because I know it will just make him jealous and mad and he'll say its making me "too busy" to see him all the time.  I dont see him often, so I wonder how its possible that he controls me to this extent.  But it always feels like im living on borrowed time.

[moglow]

I'm trying to take all this in and my heart just hurts for you. It doesn't occur to him that no one wants to be around and be judged by him? But he demands that he be there anyway.

My first suggestion is to mute his phone calls/texts, read and respond [or not] when you choose. Refuse to be on standby for his tantrums. Can you say something like "we've got a lot going on with the kids/work, summer camp etc, don't have much time for visits the next few months. I'll call you to set something up." Then don't for a while. Be vague, be busy, be vacant? And if/when he gets nasty about it, "You know what, I really don't want to be around you when you talk to me this way so no. It'll be a while longer."

Think about it - what can he DO, really? You're a married adult and a parent yourself. He can't take away your keys or lock you in your room, force himself into your home [that's trespassing, btw], take your children [kidnapping]. He may need some superfirm stand up and be seen as the adult you are. You and your husband decide what's best for your family, not dad. His opinions aren't needed or requested, and forcing them on you only makes it worse.

It's hard to change the habits and lessons of a lifetime, but think about the realities for you and your family. You're living in dread over a man who doesn't even live there. I'm not so sure I'd be inviting him in for a long time.

Have you ever been able to talk to him about any of this?

[BPDParent1]

Thank you for your reply - I really appreciate it.  Yes, I have tried to speak with him so so so many times about this.  When I tried to tell him about how much I needed someone to support me, he just told me he needs someone to support him and I should think about that.  He pretends the conversations never take place.  He'll be not terrible for one visit (but everyone is still walking on eggshells) and then he'll quickly go back to the exact same behavior.  It's just constant boundary setting and resetting and im so so tired. One time, just once, I told him I didn't want to speak with him for a little while (after he literally wouldn't give me my baby son back when I asked, he was holding onto him and just wouldn't let me have him back) and he started repeatedly texting, sending packages to the house etc. but it was the best three weeks ever because I didn't have to actually speak with or see him.

[moglow]

Maybe tell him instead of support you need him to not tear you and everybody around you into shreds. Have whatever opinion he has, but that doesn't mean he has to batter everyone with it. Just freakin stop and think before he spews all over, ya know? Find pleasant, decency, respect for others a least.

That complete lack of self awareness is astounding isn't it. Truly doesn't grasp that we reap what we sow. His own family shuns him and people openly avoiding him, that he doesn't see it. He really doesn't grasp that you don't have to see him at all. He's not entitled to your children - YOU he to decide if you're willing to expose them to him. Him refusing to give you your own baby? It would have been a while before he had that option again. Calls texts email etc all silenced until you decide you want to see him.

I understand how hard it has to be - we are trained to not risk the wrath, how painful it is. But think about how painful it already is, the fear leading up and the recovery time after interaction with him. How much more peaceful your life is in between the obligatory visits. And while we're on that ... Out of the FOG is an acronym - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I get where you are, drowning in all three.

Let me put it to you as a counselor did for me: if this were any other person anywhere or even a friend, what would you do? Me: they would not be my friend and I'd have nothing to do with them! She just sat and looked at me while it sank in what I'd just said. Her next question: Then why does she [in my case, my mother] get an all access pass to harm you over and over. HUGE lightbulb moment for me. I really AM an adult and CAN do what I want and need with this situation. Just because she's the mother doesn't mean she controls my life, not anymore. I'm still a work in progress, as many of us are, but seriously lightyears away from where I was even five years ago.

[moglow]

Just an aside - I honestly believe that no one is all bad or all good, that we have many shades within us all, and it's going to vary depending on circumstances. Sometimes we still may need to consider that pro/con list - does a glimmer of kindness here and there make up for or ease the pain when it's nowhere to be seen? Is it a means to an end or is it genuine? Is there fun and joy and playful and compassion or is everybody tippy toeing around hoping to not set him off? Rhetorical questions really, but just suggesting you step back where you can and look at it from a different angle. What kind of relationship is it where you cant be yourself without being picked apart, where you have to gauge every word and deed?

My mother is dyed in the wool self-absorbed, completely uninterested in anyone other than as it serves her. I wouldn't know what to do if she were pushing herself and demanding that way, how to cut it off. But knowing the harm she's caused and what it's taken to get me where I am, I'd have to find a way. Hindsight: I wish I'd started a lot sooner, grasped and accepted the realities of who she is, who she's *chosen* to be. She's proud of it, just ask her. Completely unapologetic and the biggest bully I've ever known. In that, it kinda sounds like your dad.

Aside - Effexor is TOUGH to come off of! I probably did better with that and was more level headed than any other antidepressant back in the day, but the building up and eventually weaning off were hard for me. Flashbacks, after shocks of a sort, very unsettled for a bit after.

[BPDParent1]

It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to think of many, if any, instances when he's done something thats for me and not just a way of getting something for himself.  I was thinking, and something that is a real portrayal of just his overall being, about when I had my son he had to have an oxygen mask in ICU for a day or so.  My father actually asked me to just "take it off" of my son so that he could get a picture of him - absolutely no thought about the benefit of the mask to my son (obviously I did not take it off).  He also asked me if he could just take my son home with him (and he wasn't really kidding).

My brother has significant medical issues and has been in the hospital a lot - he lived with my father for years and many of his illnesses have been correlated with being in high stress situations.  The nurses noticed that when my dad would walk into the room my brothers heart rate monitor would go off and he would have to be given medication to bring it down.  My brother actually had to have an organ transplant recently and, against everyones better judgment, we allowed my father to come over to my house, where my brother would be recovering, on the day he came home.  My father picked and picked at my brother telling him that he didn't care what the (renowned) medical facility had to say about what diet he should follow, he needed to eat what my dad told him to eat.  My brother finally snapped and screamed at him that he hated him and wanted no contact with him and my father's take away was to text my husband later that evening that he (my husband) should let me brother know that he (father) "forgives him" for yelling at him.  Absolutely no thought about the fact that his own child, who just had an organ transplant, was so upset that he was screaming that he hated him.  My brother was literally shaking for an hour after that interaction - a week out from a 14 hour organ transplant.  No concern from my father.  As I type these things out I feel disgusted that I've been so willing to put up with him.  It's amazing what you can be conditioned to think is okay or, at least, something you have to tolerate.

I spoke with my psychologist today (I've seen her for 7 years) and she told me that she almost never recommends a course of action to her patients and she always supports what they decide to do, without judgment, but that given what she's heard over the last seven years, she was willing and felt comfortable letting me know that she strongly recommends estrangement as the only option.

[moglow]

My brother referred to me/my relationship with mommie dearest as resembling that of a battered wife. I held out hope far too long that I could somehow reach her, gain her approval or at the least find tolerance. I looked at her brighter moments as possibility, not really seeing or admitting that was the best she was capable of. She *chose* and was unapologetic about the abuses, and seemed to enjoy dragging me down and wiping her feet on me. And all the while everywhere I turned I got the message I should be the bigger person, do better, respect her etc. It was somehow all on me?? 

We're here with you, whatever you choose. It's not easy even when it's best for you. 

[notrightinthehead]

BPDParent1 after reading your posts, I am enraged on your behalf. The things you put up with! This sounds to me a lot like co-dependent behaviour on your side. So glad that you have a therapist for 7 years and are happy with them, but maybe it is time to make some additional changes? I have just re-read the book 'C-PTSD From surviving to Thriving'by Pete Walker and I think you might benefit from it. You can find it as an audibook on YouTube, something I like because I can listen while doing household chores.
From what you describe, your father's behaviour is mostly unacceptable and damaging for those in his vicinity. You need ninja boundaries if you want to expose yourself or your loved ones to that. And you need extra safeguards if you allow such a dangerous person in the vicinity of your kids. Please consider ultra strong rules for any interaction  and at the slightest crossing of boundaries remove yourself and your loved ones immediately.

[BPDParent1]

Thank you for your response!  I dont see any path forward but NC - im not saying forever, but for quite some time.  I think the hardest thing is calling something abuse because it's so painful to acknowledge that.  It seems like if you just keep putting up with something and looking for any crumb of good, you can convince yourself that you were not abused and everything is okay.  To admit abuse is heartbreaking in the worst way.  It feels disgusting and horrifying and not like something you want to ever want to imagine you went through.  The mental blocks I was able to put up are astounding (mostly through compliance to avoid the very worst behavior and through excessive medication to numb myself).  However, the whole time, I think my "confusion" was ultimately because my mind couldn't think itself out of the inevitable conclusion that this person is incredibly toxic and will never ever permit me to leave if it's left in his power.  It's so sad how an abused child is taught that the only person who can free them is their abuser - even when they're an adult.  I have been nauseous for days processing what I've really known all along but have done everything in my power to repress. 

[notrightinthehead]

Yes. It hits you like a brick. And that denial has probably kept you alive when you were a dependent, helpless kid, exposed to the abuse. But you no longer need that. Now you are allowed to open your eyes and see clearly that this person's behaviour is atrocious. And it's your responsibility to protect yourself and your little ones. Even if nobody protected you.

[BPDParent1]

It's pretty amazing that it didn't even occur to me or seem like an option that I just dont have to expose myself to him.  Learned helplessness is such a real thing.  My focus has always been on how I can teach myself not to be so effected by it, how to "let it roll".  The focus has always been on changing my behavior because I know his will NEVER change - I have begged and begged him to let me be a mother, person etc. When I brought up the terror he instilled in us was children he literally said "so what".  It's truly astonishing the power parents hold over their children - you really really have to have messed up for your children to not want contact with you because, at least in my case, I was willing to put up with so much.  I was also totally willing to forgive for past behavior, but it never really stopped, my exposure to him just decreased. 

Today is our normal texting day and Im planning to text him that we wont be visiting, I wont be reading or responding to his messages and that I will reach out in the future when I decide to.  I am TERRIFIED. 

[moglow]

Don't be. Remember that normal functioning adults wouldn't a) put you in this position where you have to save yourself, or b) go totally outer limits when you do what's best for you and your family. Nothing he does is yours to carry. Send the text then turn off notifier for (or block) his calls/texts. Please didn't sit there in fear of him or his next move. Use this time to find your peace and make friends with it. I think you'll find that you keep breathing easier every day. 

[JenniferSmith]

Just wanted to say I really feel for you. Your father has truly done a number on you over your life. He sounds like a very extreme case in terms of the obliviousness and how many people want to avoid him at all costs.  My mother was not anywhere near his level when I was an adult, but I grew up in terror of her due to her physical violence against me as a very young child and emotional cruelty, coldness, and more.  My core feeling about her was a primal fear. Other bad feelings were layered on top of that as I got older.

I eventually reached a point where I just couldn't tolerate having a relationship with her knowing how she had treated me when I was so small and helpless. Not to mention treating me terribly at every age. No love, no empathy, no closeness, just a mean, cold, highly self-centered person - the antithesis of what most of us think about when we think of a mother.

I cut ties with her. Thankfully she lived far away so I had a geographical buffer. But my point here is that I don't feel like I actually truly began to heal from her until there was that space. It was absolutely vital to my psyche to be away from her completely.  Then I could focus on me, and my life, without the constant distraction of how she treated me and made me feel. 

Its been a long time since then, but I will never regret that decision. It came with fallout in terms of my extended family and siblings, but the sense of peace that came with it, and the sense of empowering myself, standing up for myself, listening to myself and trusting myself for the very first time in my life in relation to her is something I hold onto all these years later. I will take all the fallout for that.

Maybe you can think about this whole situation differently - its not really about being estranged from your father -  its about prioritizing your health, your well-being, your peace of mind, your ease, and making that your most important task ... especially as a mother - you want to be the best version of you that you can be so your kids will benefit from having a healthy mom, and all that will bring to their lives as the years go on.

You don't owe your dad anything. Ask yourself this - if your children felt the way you do in a relationship, what you want them to do?  You are worth the answer as much as they are.

[BPDParent1]

Thank you so much for your kind words - it really does help to hear from people who understand.  I blocked my father but expect him to start sending gifts and, eventually, show up at the house at some point.  When I really think about it without trying to rationalize how its "not that bad" its really upsetting, but I've come to realize its also absolutely necessary.  What kind of (adult) child is looking over their shoulder, making sure their doors are locked etc. because they're afraid their parent is going to come for them?  It's really sickening.

I was always so sad for him because he had a bad childhood, which I somehow felt made his behavior better (or something?).  Now I see though that he is so damaged that he isn't able to interact with anyone without abusing them and, sad as that is, it doesn't mean I have to throw myself and especially my children on that fire.

[olivegirl]

BdpParent1:

I can relate to feelings of fear, dread and anxiety when faced with the realization that my parents are extremely toxic and malevolent.

That said, I still (deep down)pined for their approval and held onto a bit of hope that I could convince them to change their ways. 

That is, persuade them to stop lying, manipulating, triangulating, gaslighting....you get the idea. 

My body was shaking and I was not sleeping well because I did not feel safe alone with them.

For the longest time, I could not generate any anger regarding their abusive treatment towards me.

I definitely felt so much pity and concern for them though.

I always knew on some level that my parents are sadistic, vindictive and self-obsessed.

And while I would plead for them to be kinder to me, they amped up humiliating me in front of others:  A favorite of theirs is to give me the dirtiest, meanest look of contempt so that others would witness.  And when I would confront them about it, they got a kick out of feigning confusion ("What are you talking about?  This is just my face!  You are crazy and paranoid).  Grade A fuel!

So the feeling of being in trouble and what would my parents DO to me terrified me.  It kept me up late at night.

By this point I have been thoroughly estranged and isolated from all relatives as my parents would claim to others to hear the most salacious gossip and that I was the source!  So my feelings of being alone, not safe, rejected and shunned were very real.

I knew that if I went NO CONTACT with my Queen/Witch Bpd mother and authoritarian Npd father, there'd be no going back.

I cried every day for a month.  I was grieving because I could no longer unsee.  Their behavior was getting more abusive and they announced they were moving into my house and I was expected to do fulfill my obligation of caretaker. 

I went NC one year ago.  Slowly I have been healing.  It is the best thing I have ever done for me.  I regret that I did not go NO CONTACT earlier.  The peace has given me so much strength. 

Stay strong!  This group has been everything for me.  I have been a faithful reader since 2015 and I keep on learning and thriving.

[moglow]

I was always so sad for him because he had a bad childhood, which I somehow felt made his behavior better (or something?).  Now I see though that he is so damaged that he isn't able to interact with anyone without abusing them and, sad as that is, it doesn't mean I have to throw myself and especially my children on that fire.

You can be sad for him -and his choices since they directly affect you- but remember, behavior truly is a choice. Yes, he does it because it's what he knows but he's had your whole life to make other, better choices. "This is who I am!" only gets him so far when there's no effort at change, no sign of remorse, completely without apology. It could have been different for y'all, that's what's sad. He chose this.