I'm new, rough day with BPD partner

[Paisana]

Long night and day dealing with my ex (been together most of the past two years, but have been off/on with increasing frequency the past 6 months) who very likely has BPD. Called the police last night because of credible suicide threats, I sent the texts and emails to them. Did not feel safe going myself after extremely aggressive behavior towards me, and stalking me around our small town that evening. At his house they did find him in a manic state, with a rope hung from the garage ceiling, one officer sure he saw a noose tied in it, and an illegal and unsafe trash fire he continuously splashed accelerant on.

Anyway! He seems to be being taken care of for now, has been getting evaluated for possible emergency detention order, but most likely being watched by volunteers (friends of his?) for 72 hours. Although I did reluctantly already try that at around 4am after getting pulled back in by him and agreeing to be that responsible person. He spent about 45 minutes screaming verbal abuse at me, so loud that officers could hear it from outside the property and wouldn't leave, until I came out calm but terrified and said I couldn't watch him.

Of course there's a lot of other background in our 2 years of being together. But this was the even thats precipitated me finding this support forum. The article about how anger is natural, okay, and an expression of a boundary being violated nearly had me in tears of relief. He's been blaming my "anger" for just about every problem the relationship has had. I feel shitty for defending my anger, and feel shitty for being looped in to feeling defensive of it, especially as I am not a short-tempered or hotheaded person, and have actually dedicated lots of intention to emotional self awareness, and only get angry after being nudged relentlessly and abusively towards an edge. The context doesn't matter, his provocations don't matter, the patience I willed and forced myself until a straw broke my back, would all get ignored so that the issue at hand could change entirely to my anger. I've been feeling gaslighted, being made out to be this demonic raging monster by him, when I really don't rage or yell or threaten. In actuality, I try to leave when I've been pushed to that point, as that point follows growing aggression, denial, irrationality, etc on his part. This triggers his codependent issues and abandonment paranoia though, and I could choose between staying and being picked at and goaded till I did actually get angry, or try to leave, only to get tripped as I try to leave the door, keys pried from my fingers, my trucks spark plugs unplugged or engine messed with so it wouldn't start (I had to keep up with learning the various ways he would disable my vehicle), stalked wherever I tried to hide, and when I tell him I'm not coming back for the night and stop texting me, he would call friends (of his, not mine) and say I was suicidal and I needed to be checked on (reminiscent of his habit of trying to convince my friends, coworkers, employers, etc that I was mentally unstable, which at least tended to backfire and expose his own mental instability).

I mean goddamnit, of course I would eventually get angry 

[Penny Lane]

Paisana,
Wow, you do deserve to be angry! I would be angry as well.

Anger gets a bad rap because sometimes it leads us to do bad things. But at its root anger is our body's way of telling us that something is really wrong. It can be very valuable if we use it right.

I'm glad you found us. This whole situation seems like an incredible amount to cope with.

I hope you'll find the support you need here as well as maybe some tools for dealing with this situation.

[openskyblue]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, Paisana.

It sounds like you have been through some very traumatic experiences with your ex -- that continue into the present. I'm very sorry you have had to deal with all this!  It sounds like your ex is very unstable and needs psychiatric help, not just being observed by volunteers. I hope he gets this help, but as many of us here can attest, you can lead a raging PD to help, but it is usually pretty unlikely that the PD will take charge of his/her own life. So, that leaves you...

I'm glad the police didn't leave and that you stated that you  could not take care of your ex, because it sounds like it would have been unsafe physically and emotionally to do so. If your ex has a history of blocking you leaving and messing with your car, you have been put in serious risk. What if he'd messed with your brakes or done something to your car that caused an accident? The first time you start focusing on yourself and your needs is, IMHO, the beginning of an important revolution for you. There are a lot of tools here to help with that journey, especially in the Toolbox. It's a good place to start reading up on what to do and what not to do, especially during crisis times, and to start healing and putting yourself first.

I'll be honest with you, your post really worried me. Do you have a safe, secure place to stay? Can you secure your car? Do you have family or friends who you can confide in and who can be watching out for you?  This is a very welcoming community of people, and I hope you feel safe and secure here as you get help. You are not alone.

[Paisana]

It was definitely unsafe emotionally and a ticking time bomb to physically unsafe. I do have a safe secure place, I am housesitting at an address he doesn't know, and if he does try to come here I will go to a friend's house who he will not mess with.  I have a couple friends who have an idea of what's going on, but I haven't told them about this latest episode- he is dealing with his current situation by involving a great many people. When he was trying to get me to come back for the second time to the police station after running me off from his property, he talked about how he had five friends there to vouch for his safety for the next 72 hours. The only reply that I've given him after hundreds of texts in the past 24 hours, is that I had been in contact with the police and they had my permission and means to contact me if they needed any more information from my end. That number has grown from five to ten to fifteen to now 20 he says. He said the police station was full of 15 people at one point that came immediately to tell him they loved him and would take care of him, etc. I am certain that his story now, as it has always been, is that I'm crazy and cruel and forced him in to the situation, and made an unwarranted suicide welfare check to fuck with him, etc, and trust that at least some of these people are rational enough to not buy in to his narrative completely. The police are obviously on my side. His brother is on the way after driving all night when I contacted him over the suicide threats, and tried as objectively as possible to give some context to what's going on, and he is in complete agreement that we need to stay separated and I trust he will help convince him to stop trying to contact me.

[openskyblue]

What you describe sounds truly like a tornado of anxiety, fear, lies, and just plain crazy. As someone who lived with someone with ASPD for a long time, I know how hard it is to think straight when you are confronted with that kind of energy.  Cutting off the source of that negative energy can really be helpful, including blocking his phone number and texts. Getting hundreds of texts from him -- even if you are not responding to them -- are hundreds of ways he can affect you. Also, if you are afraid of him in the way that you describe (and makes a lot of sense), you might also want to think about getting a restraining order. I'd bet a judge would grant it in a heartbeat. Whatever gives you some peace of mind and space from all this, IMHO, is a good thing.

I'm really glad you have a safe place to stay -- and hope you can get some peace and quiet. And I hope you know that nothing you did caused him to attempt suicide. He did that all on his own.

[Surrendertotheflow]

Hi Paisana, 

I would have been angry as well! Anyone would have. Your post resonated with me a good bit. It reminded me a lot about my ex. She was always telling me that I have anger issues when I would get upset about things anyone would get upset about. It's very confusing. You mentioned an article about anger? Could you please include the link here? I'm glad you found that article. I'd like to give it a read as well.

I wish you all the best in moving forward!