My dad just showed up at my job and came into my office.

[newlife33]

I knew this was coming.  He had already sent messages, packages, letters and phone call attempts.  I heard that he was harassing my cousins for my phone number, and they even heard that he was planning on showing up at my work....and it's just crazy how things happen because this week also marks over 1,000 days sober and also 30 days clean from another addiction, the first time I have been a month clean in over two years.  It felt like a powerful day.

He showed up and someone told me that there was a visitor for me...I told them DO NOT LET ANYONE IN.  But of course, you know how narcs are.  He weaseled his way into my flipping classroom, with a room full of children.  Un freaking real. He smelled so bad and looked terrible.  He didn't say much, he just gave me a letter and said, "Here, this is from your brother."  I almost punched him in the face.  I wanted to take a chair and hit him.  If I am being honest a lot of bad things passed through my head.  Instead I gave him no words, no response, nothing.  I took the letter and threw it in the garbage in front of him.  He was escorted out and said nothing else.

I feel strong, numb, angry, crazy, powerful, happy, sad....I think I may be experiencing like 30 emotions at once.  I don't know what I am going to do going forward but right now I just needed to get this out somewhere and vent.

[SerenityCat]

So sorry that you went through this. Can he be prevented from ever going into your classroom again? Can he be banned?

Has anyone apologized to you for letting him in even after you said "No"?

Congrats for all your dedicated work on being clean and sober!

[StayWithMe]

What kind of security policy does your school have. It should have one given the problems schools have had lately. 

Additionally, I would explore ither legal means to con vince him to leave you alone save for a phone number / email address for emergencies.

[Penny Lane]

I am so impressed that you threw it in the garbage in front of him. I think that sends a very powerful message that no matter what he does he can't FORCE you to pay attention to him.

I hope your school tightens its security. Someone there failed you by letting him in. But the bright side is that you rose to the occasion magnificently. 

[Amadahy]

I am so sorry, new life! I swear, Nmom knows when I'm in a good place and crashes it.   I hope you can regain a sense of calm and stay with your fantastic recovery!!

[newlife33]

So sorry that you went through this. Can he be prevented from ever going into your classroom again? Can he be banned?

Has anyone apologized to you for letting him in even after you said "No"?

Congrats for all your dedicated work on being clean and sober!

The security guard was notified last year, he forgot and apologized like 20 times. He felt awful. I'm going to give him a tiny photo to put on the security desk so next time he won't have to be reminded.

I am going to issue a cease and desist order against him. It's not legally binding but it's a start. An actual restraining order would be nice, but that takes months, I'd have to go to court, I'd have to be in the courtroom with him and I just don't have the time or energy for that, plus the courts don't give a shit about C-PTSD or adult emotional abuse.

Thank you! It's been a long journey or hard work that is paying off, I appreciate your words 

[newlife33]

I am so impressed that you threw it in the garbage in front of him. I think that sends a very powerful message that no matter what he does he can't FORCE you to pay attention to him.

I hope your school tightens its security. Someone there failed you by letting him in. But the bright side is that you rose to the occasion magnificently.

Thank you!!! I've been sort of training for this moment for months. I know how narcs work with their escalations, figured this was the "extinction" burst for him, the last ditch attempt. As soon as he walked in and stuck out the envelope he thought he had "won", that was the look in his sad eyes. He tried to fill the room with his false charm and bullshit.  When I took that letter, rolled my eyes away and threw it in the trash, it felt like I had knocked out Mike Tyson. All the power rushed back into me, the security guard picked up on the body language and escorted him out. It was a beautiful thing to not even look at him when he was taken out. I'm pissed enough he got 2 seconds of eye contact, he wasnt getting anything else.

And thank you for saying that!!!! That really gives me strength going forward.

[p123]

OMG thats crazy. A school as well!

I can imagine my Dad doing something like this as well though if I went NC.

[AnneH]

I just wanted to say **congratulations** on handling this in such a powerful manner. Throwing the letter into the trash was really a bold statement! In my experience FOO with PDs cannot FATHOM anyone NOT wanting to hear/ read what they have to say. I just wish I had done the same when given an opportunity (and i wasn't put on the spot in my workplace as you were!) In my case, as I was NC with uHPD sis, she left a handwritten letter for en F to give me when I visited his home. The thing was actually open, on display, on the coffee table for an entire WEEK, next to a sampling of her oh-so-important professional publications. DH and I just went about our business day after day, pretending that they weren't there, until en F felt "obliged" to...read the letter out loud since, of course, I was so hard-hearted I didn't even deign to LOOK at what she had to SAY or at all the proof of the GOOD she is doing in the world (feel free to laugh). I really wish I had put all of it (letters plus work accolades) into the trash where it belonged as soon as I saw it (just so I could feel proud of having done so, not that it would have changed anything with respect to en F and en bro, with whom I have been NC since less than a year after that final visit).

[all4peace]

Newlife, how are you doing today? If you have a sponsor, I hope you've called them. This doesn't need to shake you from your multiple sobrieties. I'm so sorry for your job and "your" space being violated by your father. I hope you're drawing on all your tools and resources to let this be a blip.

I'm so impressed with you how you handled this! I hope the cortisol and adrenaline are leaving your system and letting you feel back to calm again. Congratulations on the tremendous hard work you've been doing on yourself. Keep it up and thank you for sharing here.

[BettyGray]

You did great!
It never ceases to amaze me that they have absolutely no respect for our boundaries. This was such an appalling overstep that I can't imagine the humiliation you must have felt in front of your students. But you handled it with grace and class.

Even worse he managed to fool and guilt your security guard into letting him in. Unfortunately our society is brainwashed into thinking all family members deserve a chance. "But he's your father!" Screw them - how dare they side with the abusers? But it is so conditioned into most people that they don't even give it another thought. Yet another way we are disadvantaged in this fight. Narcs are horrendously manipulative of nice people. Sorry your nice guard got rooked by him. Photo is a great idea, as is cease and desist. Bravo for you.

[newlife33]

Newlife, how are you doing today? If you have a sponsor, I hope you've called them. This doesn't need to shake you from your multiple sobrieties. I'm so sorry for your job and "your" space being violated by your father. I hope you're drawing on all your tools and resources to let this be a blip.

I'm so impressed with you how you handled this! I hope the cortisol and adrenaline are leaving your system and letting you feel back to calm again. Congratulations on the tremendous hard work you've been doing on yourself. Keep it up and thank you for sharing here.

Hey there, thanks for checking in on me it is appreciated. I was doing really bad yesterday and barely got through the work day. It's a blessing to have off today for the Jewish holidays, so I slept in and I'm going to order sushi and relax.

I do have a support system thank God. I have a cousin who understands, a friend I met in trauma therapy and a friend I met in rehab. Having them to vent to and support me and take care of me emotionally is a godsend. Even though I'm in a lot of pain right now and all over the place emotionally, knowing that they are out there and thinking of me is a wonderful thing that hopefully will keep me going.

Thank you so much again for checking in on me, every little bit helps. Hope you are doing well as well

[newlife33]

You did great!
It never ceases to amaze me that they have absolutely no respect for our boundaries. This was such an appalling overstep that I can't imagine the humiliation you must have felt in front of your students. But you handled it with grace and class.

Even worse he managed to fool and guilt your security guard into letting him in. Unfortunately our society is brainwashed into thinking all family members deserve a chance. "But he's your father!" Screw them - how dare they side with the abusers? But it is so conditioned into most people that they don't even give it another thought. Yet another way we are disadvantaged in this fight. Narcs are horrendously manipulative of nice people. Sorry your nice guard got rooked by him. Photo is a great idea, as is cease and desist. Bravo for you.

Thank you! Everyone is saying I am brave and did brilliantly and all these things, and I think I'm finally able after two days to process it. I really am proud of the way I acted under the circumstances! I put in a lot of legwork and therapy and training for these moments, and it felt so good to do a wonderful job of maintaining my boundaries.

You ordered everything so well about the impact of his actions. It was absolutely insane of him to do this, that's step one. And now those two security guards in me have had an awkward relationship for the past two days. And thank God that he came in toward the end of the class., cuz most of the kids weren't even paying attention and the ones that were probably thought the issue was with me and my brother, not with me and my dad. None of them asked about it today or really seem to care.

[BettyGray]

Glad to hear you are able to process this and step back into your life with a feeling of pride about how you handled it. These violations do what they are supposed to do - they throw us off balance. I am recognizing after 4 years of NC that I recover much more quickly than I used to. A few years ago I would have reeled for days on end, but I shrug off attempted contact much faster now. Maybe it is because they live far away and their attempts to show up in person were unfruitful (luckily I had the day off!).

Those of us who were raised to fear confrontation and keep the peace eventually learn not to be afraid. Being NC for a long period of time gives us a way to come Out of the FOG, realize we are not what we were told we were, and get stronger. I think the first confrontation is the hardest, whether it be with a PD parent, a co-worker or anyone else we feel is manipulating us. Once that happens it isn’t so scary anymore.

I did not know you had sobriety issues in the past. Getting sober in itself is a major life change and an extremely emotional mountain to ascend. I have been sober for 6 years and my life is so much better. I know a lot of people say that and it is hard when you are still drinking (or whatever) to understand how that could be, but it is very true.

For me, coming Out of the FOG started with getting sober. I had no idea it would help me get sober about the other aspects of my life that were dangerously off balance. Once I had been sober for awhile, I realized that my brain started to work differently, and more became clear to me. It was time to face the chaos and make hard decisions. So I stopped cold turkey, and within 18 months I was NC with my entire extended family. My husband also got sober, and we had this kind of 4 year perfect storm of emotional torture to get to the point we are now (which is content and peaceful). No more drunken fights that lasted for way too long. No more depression from drinking (although I do suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, among other things - I am successfully medicated and had great therapists through the years).Hmmm... I wonder if having 2 PD parents and a family of sycophants had anything to do with that?). No more stress from my family, and oh, the money we saved. That part is a real eye opener.

But none of it would have been possible without getting sober. Alcohol In itself is sort of like a PD family situation. We are socialized to think drinking is normal - a rite of passage. We want to be accepted, so we go along with the “normal,” even when our gut tells us something feels wrong. The earlier you start drinking, the easier it is to take the path of denial. So we stay in a haze, it becomes routine, and starts to affect us in ways we don’t even recognize. When we become truly addicted and can no longer deny the destruction, we are often left with no choice.

Those around us with whom we drink provide comfort that we are accepted. But I am sure you have dealt with odd and defensive reactions when you told your still-consuming friends and family you’re sober. They are baffled- almost offended. It is a rejection- suddenly you are suspect. You are turning on  them. You’re better than them. But this is a decision that takes great courage, one that they aren’t ready to face.

Coming Out of the FOG with our families is much the same. We are trying to save ourselves. Those still in the fog cannot process this. So they turn on you.

So glad you have a support system. This is a situation very few can understand or be comfortable being a part of. Those who help us through mean more to us than they could ever know.

[newlife33]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Liz1018, it helps a lot.  It's nice to hear from someone who is in a similar situation and also is a year ahead of me in terms of NC.  My three year anniversary date will be December 24th.

And I agree that sobriety clears the way for NC.  I tried getting sober from addictions back in 2013, but didn't succeed until Dec 9th, 2016.  I then went NC Dec 24th of that same year.  My old father had showed up at my apartment once but did not get in, this was the first time in three years that he was able to break the boundary and make contact.  It's been three days since it happened and it's crazy the amount of nightmares and dreams I've had since then.

And yes, I lost all of my friends.....every single one of them.  It's very lonely sometimes.  It's interesting to look back tho on photos of me and my "friends", and they really look so different then me.  I was never friends with them, just fellow users. Losing my sister and brother is a bit more painful though.  Seeing them still so obviously stuck in abuse really stings.  And the fact that my old father tried to use that against me to re establish contact is just so low it's below hell. 

Thank you.  Having people be in my corner is nice.  I still want some friends and an SO that are relationships not based in recovery, which I hope will happen soon.

[Fortuna]

 

What kind of security policy does your school have. It should have one given the problems schools have had lately. 

How the heck does a SCHOOL let in someone who 'looks terrible and smells bad' to a classroom where you have told them not to let anyone in? That's outrageous. I'd have a serious talk with admin and security after that. Put him on a list of people that can't come in or something. They have children to protect, what if he's started acting out in the classroom?

[KeepingMyBlue]

You just described one of my worst nightmares. Kudos on staying calm, at least outwardly! 

[MiniWheat]

You just described one of my worst nightmares. Kudos on staying calm, at least outwardly!