"I thought you'd feel better." Me, too. Me, too.

[Amadahy]

Good morning, everyone,

This quote above is from a well-meaning and long-suffering DH in regard to my Nmom going into long-term care back in May, 2020.  But, since her entry to very good and appropriate care, I have gone into a downward spiral of shame, self-loathing, sadness, anger, and complete mental and physical exhaustion.  My supportive, sweet DH, who has been a bastion of support, doesn't understand.  Neither do I.  My physical health is suffering greatly and I am often overtaken with illogical feelings of paranoia and fear. 

I think, dammit, that I have never really individuated from her. 

My reactions seem to be a projection of what I think she thinks and my own reaction to that. I did not cause her illness or her infirmity.  I have done everything I can to get her appropriate and excellent care.  I've run into several unanticipated snafus that I've had to retain legal advice about -- what a headache!  In short, I know -- logically -- I am a separate person who has done what she can for her ailing mom.  But, emotionally or subconsciously or somewhere in my woundedness, I am badly regressed and stuck.

Of course, COVID has made all things infinitely more difficult.  Added to that, I quit my work in April, 2020, which put us in a real financial lurch, but I could not carry on with a very emotionally intense job for a variety of reasons. My helpful counselor relocated and her replacement was not helpful.  We're about to become empty-nesters.  And peri-menopause/menopause!  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  Having to tell myself the truth about so much has been devastating -- in some ways, it was easier to keep a perpetual fantasy that somehow, someday, all things would fall into place.  The coping mechanism that helped me survive as a child has now turned into a cruel tormentor. 

I have no vision, no motivation.  I am surviving, barely.  I don't know who I am, what I like, what I want, what to be or do. 

I don't remember doing things like paying taxes, making student loan repayment arrangements, etc., yet somehow I've gotten them done.  Still, I wake up at 2 a.m. some nights in a panic over something I can't quite remember doing, hoping I've done all I needed to do, going round and round in my head, feeling fear and panic, waiting for the sunrise, because somehow that makes it all more tolerable.

I don't know what I'm looking for here.  I've typed this out just to see if I could form a coherent thought at all.  My love and deepest compassion to all who suffer.  It is a lonely and difficult place to be.  Thanks to (much!) help here, I don't feel so isolated, so thank you for years of good support.

xoxo Amadahy

[moglow]

Amadahy
My guess is you carried all that and were in fight or flight for far too long with little/no real let up. Now you've in essence been able to put it down to a good degree. Where does all that pent up energy and exhaustion go?? We turn it inward, continue to do and be what we know. I suspect (like me!) You stuffed down and ignored a whole lot of shite that's now coming to the surface, metaphorically smacking you in the face. Not *your* stuff to fix but there it is, the aftereffects.

I suspect you're literally in recovery. It's hard to undo all that and our minds tend to hold on to what they knew for so long thinking it's best, all evidence to the contrary, just because it's familiar. The unknown can really be a scary place when you're raw.

Reach back into yourself. What soothes you, even a little when it's really bad? What makes you smile? Search for more of those things! Learn to nurture yourself - mind, body and spirit. What scrubs you, makes your mind hurt? Shut those things down/off.

I get it. Lord have mercy, I do. Keep reaching out, talking and writing it out. Reach out to others when you recognize that need in them.

You can do this and you matter.

[Cat of the Canals]

Having to tell myself the truth about so much has been devastating -- in some ways, it was easier to keep a perpetual fantasy that somehow, someday, all things would fall into place.  The coping mechanism that helped me survive as a child has now turned into a cruel tormentor. 

I can so relate to this. When I finally came Out of the FOG, there were many days I just wanted to retreat back into the fantasy. It should feel liberating to finally know the truth, but I just felt sad and angry and depressed. For months. And FULL of doubt. What if I was wrong? What if I was just being too sensitive? Like moglow said, it's HARD to confront all of the hurts and wounds you've ignored for years. And overwhelming.

Reading a lot of books about PD family dynamics has helped me a lot. And journaling. I've probably written a novel or two in the last few years, just trying to get the thoughts out of my head and organized in a way that makes sense instead of allowing them to spiral around in there.

Anyway, 2020 was a stressful year all on its own. Your mother going into long-term care just added to that. Be gentle with yourself.

[Fiasco]

I can 100 percent relate to this. You finally have the space to freak out with her in care, so you're going ahead and doing it. I'm not one to push medication as the answer to everything, I'm that person who only takes one Tylenol. However, I'm also that person who's been severely depressed and I take a very minimal dose of Paxil. The antidepressant changed my life. For me it was like a vitamin deficiency and I wouldn't want to be without it now. Hugs!

[Boat Babe]

Hey Amadahey. Well done for putting all that work into getting your mum the best care possible. And now ...... Collapse.

It's totally normal to fall to pieces after the event. It's your body needing to heal itself from all that cortisol and adrenaline. It's your mind finally unclenching and this is the initial reaction.

This WON'T LAST and you will feel better and less burdened. Be very compassionate to yourself and get loads of sleep. Sending hugs.

[Amadahy]

Thank you, all.  To know I'm not alone -- and maybe not losing my mind    -- helps!  Truly.   

Moglow, "in recovery" sounds fan-damn-tastic!  I'll take it.     I'm going to write a bit today -- that makes me feel happy and connected to myself.  Thank you.  xoxo

Thanks for the reminder, Cat of the canals, to be gentle with myself.  I am *so* hard on myself!  That tender reminder is very needed.  Thank you.

Fiasco, I am so glad the paxil has changed things for the better for you!  I have 5-htp (a ssri supplement) sitting in my cabinet -- not doing much good there, is it?     Took a dose last night and slept much better.  Will take a.m. and p.m.  Thank you for the reminder that meds can have a place in our care!

Boat Babe, The reminder that this will not last brought tears.  Hope is a fine thing and I appreciate so much the truth of it.  xoxo

I really, really appreciate the beautiful people of this board more than you will ever know.  Much love.