“Doing their best”

[Justme729]

How do you deal with it?

I'm so sick of others saying parents just do their best.   Well, what if their best hurt their children?  Not just piss them off, but looking out for their best interests....but continually hurting their children and causing long term damage.   

How do you explain that it is not OK.   Some parents choose not to do their best.   They choose time and time again to hurt their children.  I am so sick of hearing about how BPD "did her best" and we all "will do something that puts our kids in therapy."   I'm over it.  It wasn't just that she didn't do her best, she had the opportunity to do her best.  She had time and time again to make different decisions.  Every single time she blamed me for being an irrational teenager and caused a huge rift between me and my extended family who all didn't realize what was going on behind closed doors.   Even though they knew I told the truth now, it's still that vibe that she did her best.   How we (my siblings and I) are harboring resentment and only hurting ourselves.   We just need to let our anger go and live in peace- all parents make mistakes.   However, this isn't just a mistake.   A mistake with a child's best intentions at heart.   Those are forgivable.  However....choosing to kick your child out among so many other things are not forgivable. Especially, when she shows no remorse.   Or acknowledge anything. 

Sorry just rambling.   I am feeling reflective and hurt. 

[AlisonWonder]

JustMe729 I am an estranged daughter of a mother, and I am also mother of an estranged daughter.  My mother passed away a couple of months ago.  She showed no remorse to me, but I showed it to my daughter. 
I think the people you are talking to, like my family,  are making a mistake about forgiveness.  You can forgive someone, but still need to keep away from them because they are still making you sick.  Keeping away doesn't mean you are unforgiving, so their telling you "we all did our best" is just not enough.  "Our best" is to apologise and try to do differently.  If they can't do that, they are usually still not safe in my opinion.

If you can imagine your mother at her best, maybe she would tell you to keep away.  For me, I knew it was what my father would have wanted, and what my mother would have wanted, in her right mind.  For me, that was honouring them both, but I don't expect anyone to see that from the outside.

I hope things get better for you soon.

[SparkStillLit]

Whenever DD calls updh out on his behavior, that's what he says. "Doing his best". Interesting. He thinks the same, she needs to forgive and move on.

[Kiki81]

It's usually about them, not you, if the speaker is a parent. They are aware of their shortcomings and mistakes and like to throw out blanket absolution with this stock phrase.

People also feel uncomfortable, hearing uncomfortable subject matter, and out pop the cliches.

I've learned over the years not to make my sad and painful parts conversational fodder.  What happened between me and my parents is no one's damned business and I don't care what the excuse is for someone pressing hard on my pain.

I don't being it up and I def don't let anyone else do that, either.

[Sneezy]

I don't think we can really tell if someone did their best or not.  And does it matter?  I suppose some parents do their best and it's good, while others may do their best and it sucks.  Some parents may consciously choose not to do their best, some probably don't know what to do, and others think they are doing their best but they're not.  What really matters is what they actually do.  Their words and actions are what matter, especially when we are children.  I suppose, when we are older and wiser, it may be helpful to look back on their intentions as well - that may help us begin to understand what happened.  But what really matters to me is what they actually said and did.  And if what they said and did was harmful or hurtful, then that's where we have to start with our healing.  And they don't get a pass because they, or others, say some platitude like "they did their best."  Maybe they did, maybe they didn't, but whatever they did it was harmful and that harm is what needs to be addressed.

[Cat of the Canals]

How do you explain that it is not OK.   Some parents choose not to do their best.   They choose time and time again to hurt their children.  I am so sick of hearing about how BPD "did her best" and we all "will do something that puts our kids in therapy." 

Honestly, I've stopped trying. My husband understands, the people here on this board understand, but the times I've tried explaining it to others (including my brother), I've been met with more rugsweeping. After a lifetime of that with unPD mom, I'm done.

But I'm not saying it's not hard, or that it doesn't still hurt. Sometimes what means most is just being HEARD.

So please know that I hear you. And I'm sorry for all the ways you were hurt.

[alphaomega]

Ugh.  I despise when someone says this to me.

Like - PLEASE STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT MY EXPERIENCE ISNT REAL !!!

I want to scream at them, you have no idea, but I realize that people can only meet you where THEY are.

Hugs to you...

[Call Me Cordelia]

This phrase makes me

The claim to have "done their best," is a very triggering double standard. When applied to themselves, it granted them absolution and whatever the offense was was immediately erased and not to be brought up ever. Raising me was an impossible thankless task.

Applied to me, "Well, I'm sure you did your best," meant that clearly I disappointed them and there was a lot of shame put into that phrase. Or else when I did well, "Well I expect you to do your best, and you're a very gifted girl," devalued the accomplishment such that I had merely done what was expected and therefore what's the big deal. I was labeled gifted, so perfection was just baseline performance level. Surprise surprise I became an insufferable perfectionist and know-it-all as a child.

[Andeza]

I usually reply back with "That doesn't make it okay." Most people have no idea how to respond to that and they feel the sudden urge to change the topic.

CMC, yep, that was me too as a kid. I was pretty much straight A's all the way, with a handful of exceptions, and I always got the "I expect you to improve by the end of the year," spiel too. I think that about the age of nine I decided uBPDm's expectations for me to improve on straight A's was unreasonable and not something I would aspire to, nor beat myself up trying to accomplish. In short, I decided she was being unrealistic, therefore crazy in my youthful mind, and just carried on with being me. She usually decided at the end of the year that I had somehow magically improved on what was already darn near perfection, so I'd internally roll my eyes and carry on.

[BritBritBrit1]

I usually reply back with "That doesn't make it okay."

I agree with this.  I often say that we're all doing the best we can in the moment with the present skills we have.  It's not an excuse for bad behavior.  It just helps me approach others (including myself) with more compassion.  However, someone's best doesn't mean that I have to live with it.  Just because my BPDf did the best he could given his abusive childhood doesn't mean it was good enough for me to continue a relationship with him.

[Sneezy]

However, someone's best doesn't mean that I have to live with it.  Just because my BPDf did the best he could given his abusive childhood doesn't mean it was good enough for me to continue a relationship with him.

I think you've summed it up quite well.  For me, I don't know why my mom is the way she is (covert NPD).  I don't know if she could change or if she would even want to.  But I do know that I am not obligated to fix what is wrong.  And I absolutely must maintain my boundaries if I'm going to have a relationship with her.  Whatever happened to cause her to be the way she is might be very sad (I really don't know), but that doesn't mean I have to let it affect me or my family.

[Justme729]

I love the response, "it doesn't make it OK."  It doesn't.   It will never be OK.

Another reflective night.  My daughter has been having a tough time.  The therapist  said where do you think you learned the skills to handle that situation.   Time and time again I think to how I screamed out with my behavior something was wrong or similarly.  She never even noticed. She was too self absorbed.   I recall what wanted and didn't get.   But could she have been implying that I'm focusing on just the negatives and not the positives of my upbringing?  Because seriously, I don't recall anytime where she actually listened to how I felt.  Just being punished or ignored. It was early childhood classes that taught me and challenged my thinking.

[Sheppane]

Someone else's best ( whether it is or isn't ) may still not be healthy for me to engage with.

[Leonor]

"Yeah, well, their best sucked."

Their reaction ... Priceless!