Boyfriend's family - should I have a word with my nephew?

[Oscen]

I think my BF's oldest brother - BIL - is probably NPD. He is quite charming and was sort of the father-figure in the family as their father left them quite young, so no-one in the family questions him, including my BF.

It's almost certain BIL's partner has BPD, although no-one seems to know what the condition is.
BF even warned me before meeting her the she'll be "nice as pie", but can then explode with rage over minor things.

They seem to form the classic NPD/BPD couple - BIL likes to have his partner there because she makes him look good - no-one notices that he plays little mind games when she's exploding.
I've only had one run-in with them but it was so bad, I'm uncomfortable around them and do not want them staying in my home.
BIL started by making nasty little passive-aggressive attacks on me, and when I called him out on it, his BPD partner exploded.
Now I know what PDs are, hopefully I can get some strategies for dealing with them. Their behaviour is not my fault, I now see.

They have a son who is now about 14. I've known him since he was about 8.
He's a sensitive, charismatic boy. Much louder and more difficult to control than his younger, quieter bro, so he's become the family scapegoat.
I remember feeling uncomfortable when he was about 10 at Christmas, when he poured his lemonade in a wine glass, just for fun, and his Dad criticised him for "showing off" and shamed him so much, he nearly cried. I'm afraid I didn't say or do anything - I didn't know what to do without sounding critical of BIL's parenting.
I wish I had spoken to the boy after, to at least ask him if he was ok, and *maybe* say I didn't think he'd done anything wrong.

Nowadays at age 14, he's a bit of a wild child. He's been aggressive at school and talking back.
I find it weird how clueless BF and the rest of his family is - he was the one who warned me about nephew's mother and her BPD behaviour.
But then when this boy just responds the same way his mother does in response to conflict, somehow that's a surprise, and he's a difficult child.
The mind boggles.

I wonder if it is worthwhile taking the boy aside and saying - it's not you, it's your parents. Hang tight and just do your best to reach adulthood, when you can get free and start recovering.
I have read that people say that even having one adult to give them perspective on their parents' PD can be enough to help them keep their sanity.
The thing I'm worried about is if he either acts out and gets in trouble with the law - might be heading that way - or worse, acts in and gets super depressed and attempts suicide, like 2 of my sisters did growing up.

I know that this would be frowned upon. I genuinely do not want to stir up trouble between myself and his parents, or between him and his parents.
I know that not interfering is the norm when it comes to parenting. Just feels sometimes like that's an excuse to let parents get away with all sorts of sh*t while their kids suffer blindly.
If something happens to him, I will feel some degree of guilt for just standing by.

[BettyGray]

This is so difficult on so many levels. My heart goes out to you. It is painful watching  the trainwreck in slow motion and having little power to stop it.

The first no-win situation is the BIL.  That alone carries so much weight. I have read many books on dealing with NPD people (mostly my mom - Happy Mother's Day....not). BPD was truly a mystery to me until I came to this forum a years ago. But as soon as I learned more, I realized my dad was likely BPD (possibly NPD too). Classic pairing indeed. NPD Mom was constantly belittling him in front of other people.
His reactions were dramatic and scary, often pouty and emotional. Fun times.

Glad that you recognize the reality of the situation, although it makes it no easier to deal with and no less toxic. My sister fit BPD description quite perfectly: suddenly it all made sense: I was terrified of her rages, having been the victim of them all my life. So I avoided rattling her at all costs. But the cost was to my mental health. Perhaps your BF has developed a coping mechanism of denial. Unfortunately, denial is the thickest fog of all.

Second obstacle - the BIL’s GF... she sounds just as toxic as he. I would be surprised if they stayed together as BPD have trouble making long-term relationships. But the NPD/BPD
couples sometimes stick together in their dysfunctional patterns.

Third and saddest obstacle: your nephew. My nephew was special. I adored him - he was a happy kid. As he grew up, I watched him just sort of give up.  Turned to drinking, smoking, drugs. Blew off going to college even though he is really smart and talented.

A once sweet boy turned into his father, my brother, who has been a terrible influence and parentified my nephew.

There was nothing I could do. Eventually, I had to go NC with all of them, including my nephew. Even though he had done nothing to hurt me, I know he would always side with my brother and parents. No-win.

NPD and BPD are basically untreatable. Everything I have read has suggested staying as far as possible from these types of people. There is no reward, only pain.

So what to do? You're in an impossible situation. Inserting yourself is risky. You can't know if  your nephew will trust you or turn on you. Often, children defend their parents, no matter how horrible they are. Then you're stuck in a situation that could damage the relationship beyond repair. Not to mention that you are choosing to involve yourself in all of their lives. 

Lastly, the fact that your BF can't or won't see this as toxic puts a wedge in between you. You are becoming the scapegoat. Not by choice, but because PD people NEED a scapegoat. And they rotate who is scapegoated. And since you're not married to BF, they will always have the ”you're not  even part of this family” card to play.

You clearly care about your nephew. All you can do is show support, build him up, encourage him, and make sure he knows that you're on his side. Tread lightly. Some of the problems may be normal teenage angst but having parents like that, there is a chance he is already on a destructive path you cannot save him from. And you should not blame yourself for what happens to him.

If you must spend time with him and his parents, speak up when they criticize him - not by pointing out how they are wrong (because, of course, they are never wrong!!) but by countering with a compliment to the boy. That might help him trust you more to know you will always build him up when they tear him down. Show the BIL and his GF that you are not afraid of them. Learn how to shut down NPD people on the spot. Be careful not to get dragged into their drama. Don't challenge them or their parenting - nothing upsets them more than being challenged (how dare you  imply I am not a perfect parent?!). And walk away or stay away. You don't have to be the target of their rage.
Best of luck. Xoxoxo

[Oscen]

Thanks for the great advice, Liz.

I really appreciate that you didn't dismiss my desire to help my nephew... even though I know it probably wouldn't achieve much and could definitely create a lot of harm.
Watching him grow up is like watching a car-crash in slow motion. I like your advice to only "intervene" in a positive way. You are so right about how sensitive PD folk are to having their parenting criticised.

Yes, my BF's denial is a bit of a problem. It's not terrible, but he can't seem to understand that after the way both members of that couple treated me, I simply do not feel comfortable spending much time around them. It's an exercise in developing assertiveness; that's for sure.

[bloomie]

Oscen - It sounds really painful to see this boy struggling with the PD dance going on around him in his home. I am wondering if there is possibility that you and your BF can befriend him and his brother? Spend time doing things with them, supporting them in their interest and hobbies, taking them on age-appropriate outings and just building relationship with them that would lend itself to affirmation and that you and your BF are a safe place for them?