Some days I feel like I belong here, some days I convince myself I don't

[Discovelpis]

Hey there,

I'm in my 30s, been married for just under a decade and had a bit of an aha moment when I started therapy this year. My husband is ambitious, successful, well liked, good at everything, incredibly knowledgeable, learns quickly, and is an advocate for people in need and animals as well. We didn't argue or have conflicts for the majority of our relationship. It was seamless. When we started out I had all sorts of interests, friends, hobbies, passions. As time went on, I started getting depressed. We had difficulties with family. We weren't as close to friends. Several years in I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and not long after ADHD.

COVID added a whole new set of issues into the mix including constant proximity. Even if it was just short term, it was a learning experience. Things changed after that. Not drastically, not in ways I noticed then.

I started therapy not too long ago, and from the in-take session she spotted my hyper awareness. She never directly said anything about my husband. I have realized a lot of things on my own. My aha moment, I remember thinking, "I really hope this instance was not gaslighting, because if it was, I have almost a decade of history to reevaluate." And then the rose colored glasses came off and I'm still unraveling those years.

There has been no diagnosis. I don't think there ever will be. He's done therapy in a relationship before. He learned a lot. I think he learned a lot about what he needed to do to mask better. I cannot diagnose, I have no desire to pretend that I am near qualified to diagnose. From my reading, he shares traits with quiet bpd and not classic showing BPD.

Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit. I feel like no one will believe me. I feel like anyone looking in will see me as some kind of abuser (I don't know why, I know how things get twisted though). I feel like Im not thinking straight or I'm remembering things wrong. I feel like I'm not a person anymore. I feel bad for not putting in effort in a lot of ways. I feel bad because my mental health has declined and my physical health too.

I have no way of supporting myself and no support system anymore. I feel so stuck... So trapped.

[Starboard Song]

You are in the right place.

I appreciate your hesitance to diagnose, and it means even more that you are in the right place. There are lots of very different stories here: we understand. There are also many styles. I encourage people to set aside the diagnosis part altogether. You did it perfectly: "he seems to be this sort of person." That's exactly what the labels are all so good for. They help us communicate concisely about our struggle. Whether they are "technically" accurate or whatever isn't as important as the predictable pattern of behaviors to which you find yourself exposed, and the damage those can do.

I encourage us all to run, not walk, from that important diagnosis moment to the far more important part: tactics you can use to mitigate or prevent future damage, and to heal from the past.

If you haven't checked out our Toolbox yet, do so. There is a lot of good stuff there.

I tend to start with Boundaries, because they are essential to every relationship, not just the toxic ones. I also like the 50% Rule and 51% Rule. Together, they authorize us to take a tiny bit more care of ourselves than others (often characterized as "appply your own oxygen mask first"), and also hold us accountable: unless we are under duress, we must take responsibility for our own choices.

I look forward to seeing you on the boards.

[Kla4]

Hello, Discovelpis.

OMG! I can so relate to your story.
I feel trapped also.
I never went to therapy.
I try to remain strong. It is extremely difficult.
My husband verbally and emotionally abuses me on a daily basis. If not for our child I would have left. I am trying to save my child. I feel that no one believes or will believe me.
I don't know if I should go to the therapy just to understand about his personality. You mentioned that you had those aha moments during the therapy. Everything seems so hopeless. But, please, remain strong. Try to get on track. Make friends and do your hobbies. You have to be you. It can show him that you are strong and he doesn't rule your life. In my case: it doesn't change him, but makes me feel good, brings me back to life.
Best wishes.
Kla

[SpiritedChange]

Oh, how I can relate. I am still trying to convince myself that I don't really belong here, and that my family isn't THAT bad...