There and Back Again

[pipchick]

I'd advise not telling her if at all possible. She'll figure it out when she sees all your stuff is gone. I don't know if her schedule allows this to be possible, but if she's at work you may very well be able to get everything out of the house while she's on shift.

So proud of you for this major step forward in taking care of yourself. You are a person deserving of basic human decency and respect, and she's not doing that, for sure.

I feel like it's cowardly, but that's exactly what I plan to do. Hire a man and van to move my stuff while there's only me in. I'll tell her when I give her the housekeys. It's just... I know it's not cowardly. It's sensible, considering... but at the same time. Ugh... I am not looking forward to the moment, I'll tell you that. But by then it will be too late. All the drama in the world won't stop me from walking away and spending a peaceful first night out of the house.

Courage, Pip!

[pipchick]

Oh... and in other news we are now on day 3 with a none working fridge. Still not a word. Nor from her partner who seems also to have partaken in the delusion.... and I know he has a cheese sandwich every morning. Good lord. And mum has just had a yogurt that has been unfridgerated for three days. I'm amazed at how utterly insane it all is.

There's no way it's escaped her attention... or his. 

No way. 

[Andeza]

Experience is a hard teacher, and fools will have no other.

If they prefer to live in denial, it's their food poisoning, in other words. Food poisoning off of dairy or meat is the absolute worst. Ah well, it'll be their bathroom hell, not yours.

And no, it's not cowardly, it's self preservation. If they knew you were moving out there would be no end of drama and guilt trips, probably complete with somebody pounding on their chest wailing "why are you doing this to meeeeeeeeee!"  Because it's all about them, not your mental health. *sigh* If I could release you from feeling cowardly or guilty I would do it in a heartbeat, sadly we must each do that for ourselves. You're doing good, stay your course!

[nanotech]

I think when you think it's going to seem cowardly, you are listening to the PD voices in your head.
It isn't cowardly. It's called being independent and proactive, neither of which they like.  Yes  with a healthy family dynamic you would have told them in advance. This is the trouble.
They are in denial about the dysfunction, so you have that to deal with  and THEN when you necessarily respond to that dysfunction by keeping stuff from them, they are shocked because they've brainwashed you into behaving  as if the family functions healthily.
They don't know you've seen the light through the fog.

My FOO do this as well. They still don't realise. I don't live with them and I'm so glad I don't.

Lord almighty if they can ignore a warm fridge with rotting rancid food, of course they are going to pretend the family is fine!
When you give her the keys, make a sharp exit. You don't have to stand there and take the dismay and whatever, Make a sharp exit, have a taxi waiting and leave.
Then enjoy the rest of your life! X🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾⭐️💫⭐️💫⭐️💫!

[NumbLotus]

If *you* feel the need to give her the keys by hand, that's fine. But don't forget, you can leave them in an envelope on the table with a short note.

I was thinking about the whole "coward" thing. Everybody has already covered the main point, which is that it's a PD voice, and you are absolutely entitled to protect yourself, and you are being brave, not cowardly, in doing so.

But the thing that also occured to me is that you shouldn't HAVE to be brave! Why is moving out something you have to take on the chin? Oh, I know why, but the PD world is so screwed up. You feel like a coward for not standing in front of a bus so it can hit you, but the weird thing is NOT that you don't want to get hit by a bus (of course!) but that somehow in a PD's screwed up mind, you are required to? Like taking hard punishment is a step of moving out that most adults face up to?

Moving out should be like, "great, honey, I'm glad you found a place. Is it nice?"

[nanotech]

Yes I agree too with numblotus that you can just leave the keys in an envelope.

You don't have to give them your new address either. Don't let them get all entitled around you!
Remember, there's only one person who can judge our behaviour and that's us, our own selves.

You've been to hell and back. I found your thread quite tough to read.

I've had issues with my parents but I wasn't criticised at four years old like that. I'm an Early  Years teacher( retired now) and I  want to hug that little girl on the stairs, and tell her she's amazing, cute, funny and lovely, all the things I tell my grandchildren now and used to tell my children.
So here you go! 

[Duck]

I agree with those who say it is not cowardly to keep moving out a secret. You are not dealing with a normal situation.

[pipchick]

Thank you, everyone... all of your words are so encouraging

Update for today:

I might have a room. I have to pass all of their reference checks and stuff. I hope I get it, since it looks like the best place by a country mile.

Doubt keeps surfacing a lot. Then at work this morning I understood why. There have been no hostilities, and it's strangely calm. I keep wondering why, then doubting myself.. ie. maybe it's all me? At last it strikes me that she thinks she went for the submission too soon. She thinks she's just got to wait for me to forget it/accept it, and when I realised that it all makes sense. As soon as I do that, I'm giving her the hit she really wants, because by accepting I'm taking the blame for everything myself, leaving her to go away as the victim. That's what she craves. That feeling of zero responsibility while being able to pour all of that blame into me.

She knows something is going on. My renewed passport came today. I submitted my documents and hope they will be enough. I've moved the furniture I will take to one side of my room and am packing up my belongings. She keeps digging but I don't really say anything substantial. She asked me if I was moving my furniture around (because this is what she does when she's NOT HAPPY) so I said yes, I just didn't tell her I was moving it further than from one side of my room to the other.

Last night I tried to be in the room with them, but I had a staggering physical feeling of being completely drained, to the point where I was drowsy. When I left the room it lifted.

I have to get out of here. Doubt or not. I don't accept it, I won't forget, she won't get what she wants ever again. I am worthy and I don't deserve this. I need to find the person I was supposed to be all this time.

[nanotech]

That is great news!
Onward and upward toward your new life!  Keep us posted on here!
We have your back, and we understand. You'll be fine! 😊xx

[pipchick]

Thank you nanotech! 

I just got: "Name I dont know what you keep locking your door for. It's ridiculous."

Yeah... if it's that ridiculous, how can it bother her? She hasn't been able to poke about while I was at work earlier today.

[Andeza]

Yeah, the fact that "you keep locking your door" means she keeps trying the darn knob.

[pipchick]

Thanks Andeza. First time I've spoken to her today. I dont want to go out of my room again. Guess I'll keep my mind busy with the packing up.

Oh and I edited. "Licking" my door would be a bit surreal lol

[Brooke]

Oh and I edited. "Licking" my door would be a bit surreal lol

I'm glad you still have your sense of humor!

I'm sending positive vibes that you get that room. You are going to feel a huge weight lifted off you when you get out of that toxic atmosphere. 

[nanotech]

Hugs and positive sister vibes too! Keep strong! Things will change soon! Xxxxx❤️💫❤️💫❤️💫❤️💫❤️

[pipchick]

Thank you Brooke and nanotech... I am finally downstairs on my own and able to use the computer - yay!

I'm a touch typist, so using my phone is really alien, and comes with a load of dubious spellings and autocorrect going insane. Like wanting to call nanotech, nanotechnology.

I'm about to have a really long entry here, but earlier today I was thinking back, and remembering those "interventions" and it made me feel... sad for my child self. I remember her getting my Dad involved all the time. "xxx, don't let her do that." "xxx, stop her." "xxx, explain to her." And I remembered how she would sit there, like a spider in the centre of a web, looking at me, and how she would say it each time. "I want you to say sorry for what you did, and you had better make me believe it." The 'what you did' was always so unspecific. I was always in this impossible place of saying sorry, without really knowing what for, only knowing I had to be convincing. I spent a lot of my childhood not knowing how to make moments move. I got stuck in them constantly. I still do, now. I have so much brain freeze. I hope that if I get away that can improve.

People pleaser doesn't come into it. Numerous people have told me, most recently my partner, that I apologise for nothing. All the time. He tells me about it when it happens, and it makes me realise. I'm so broken at the moment.

I did have a question for you folks, but I've forgotten it now. If it comes back to me I'll ask.

Anyway, i was listening to an audiobook and I'm keeping a recovery diary type thing with things written in it. I though I'd share some of those here in case others find it useful, and for my own reference too.

So there are things I won't detail, which are good advice for people going through this. So far these things are:

• Get to know yourself
• Understand what you need to work on to recover
• Write down what your ideal mother is like, and realise this is the mother you deserved, that you are grieving for
• Understand the five stages of grief
• Write a 3rd person narrative of your childhood so that you can make it real and validate yourself for what you endured
• Learn to validate yourself
• Learn to recognise your feelings, name them and respect them
  

Then there are these five steps:

• Know your self beliefs and identify needed changes
• Understand the abuse cycle
• Build and indentify a support network
• Prepare for the emotional experience
• Find a therapist

1) My list reads like this so far: I am incapable of taking care of myself, I am not good with money, I am undeserving, I am ugly, I am worthless and a burden, I am stupid, I am of no consequence, my personality is flawed, I make people feel bad, I ruined my mother's life, I am fundamentally unwanted, I am nasty, I am disgusting, I can't do anything right, my thoughts and feelings are a bother and an annoyance.

2) The abuse cycle I have identified is largely:

Mom creates a conflict (because she feels threatened, or she overreacts, or just because)

Atmosphere is established by provoking a negative response which she then exploits, magnifies and mirrors.

This only ends when I take full responsibility for the whole thing, regardless of what the conflict began with. If it began with me bumping into her in the hallway while she was carrying tea, it's not just that. It's the whole thing. It's all the bad feeling she created. I have to be responsible for that.

She gets a "hit" of not being responsible for anything, despite the exact opposite being true. She can then also be the injured party and will tell family, friends and acquaintances how horrible I am in order to create what I am going to call 'Attack Dogs'

Repeat

She also heavily gaslights, triangulates, disrespects me, discounts my emotions, my sense of self and worth. Ignores me. Steals my thoughts and ideas (repeats things a few minutes after I have said them - I wish I was kidding). Takes credit for my talents (everything that's good about me, I get from her, and she can do it better she just can't be bothered). She is sometimes pointlessly cruel. She intimdates me and terrorises me. Consistently and continually trashes my reputation to others, be they family, friends, or people she sees on the bus. She sends attack dogs once created, sometimes for no reason (once she wound my aunt up to such an extent that she publicly humiliated me in a pub garden for no reason, encouraging people to laugh at me while I cried. My dad and brother had committed suicide the year before. It was my first holiday since finding them. I was twenty-five.) Humiliates me in front of everyone, including strangers, even as an adult.

To be continued...

[pipchick]

So here I am, continuing....

I won't go into 3, but rest assured that Out of the FOG is on my support network list. If there are other online spaces that we're allowed to discuss, I'd love to hear about them

4) As I get away, I expect to feel the following:

• Unease
• Loneliness
• Sadness
• Compassion
• Having my mother's feelings instead of my own
• Uncertainty
• Fear
• Distress
• Loss and grief
• Guilt
• Obligation

But I also expect:

• Freedom
• Relief
• Peace
• Joy
• Happiness
• Comfort
• Possibility

Additionally, since I have to leave my dogs, I need to expect all the grief and sorrow that comes from that. Plus every single mutal acquaintance. Family... I never see them anyway. I will let them all go. It's that important.

5) I have taken steps to find a therapist.

[Medowynd]

For your dogs, you could look into a foster situation where your dogs are cared for until you can provide for them. 

[pipchick]

For your dogs, you could look into a foster situation where your dogs are cared for until you can provide for them.

Thank you Medowynd

I did just look into that, but I can't afford it, since you can't foster a dog out. You'd need to go for boarding. I'm moving into a room with shared amenities because I can't afford much. Besides, taking the dogs would only hurt her more and I don't want to do that. Not a bit of this is about hurting her. It's about saving myself.

In the summer, she was staying out four and five days at a time, but she does at least come home now (athough this is because new man's apartment got flooded). My dogs are also 12 and 14. Even if there was nothing else to consider, and I could afford it, I don't think such a move would be good for either of them. In this case, taking them away from the only home they've ever known would be for my benefit, not theirs. I don't believe she will neglect them once I am gone. I do believe if I hesitate now, once new man's apartment is back up and running she will use them to trap me here, just like this past summer.

[Outsiderchild]

You are doing amazing things!   I just wanted to add to expect some anger, if not actual rage on behalf of your younger self.  As you begin to accept your worth as a human being, you might also feel anger that your parent couldn't see how delightful you were.  That abuse was unwarranted and unacceptable and it still is!  Hold yourself gently as you will feel the full panoply of emotional reactions.  And remember that your feelings are okay and what you need to feel in order to heal.   

[pipchick]

Thank you, Outsiderchild!

Ah, a bit of anger came up earlier today. I find I struggle to separate anger from upset, so I just end up in tears. I hope with a therapist that will get easier.

Update for today:

Still waiting to hear about a room.
The more I do in my room the worse it looks.
All I know is I can't stay here, and I need out soon.

A memory. I told my partner about it, and as I did it amazed me how I had made excuses for this over the years. I still think of it every now and again, and I think this is because we never receive the validation of our emotions and thoughts as they connect to these things, so they just keep turning up, like eyeballs in our soup. Over the years as I've brought it up I've had the brush off, time and time again. I suspect if I brought it up today, she'd at last claim not to remember it at all.

I was around ten or eleven and it was christmas. I'm getting on a bit now so this was some time ago... it was about that time when as a kid you dreamed of having a tv and telephone in your room. I wasn't quite there, but nearly. As I opened my presents, one of them was a television. It wasn't big (or even in colour), but I was so happy and excited. I was actually overjoyed. Only... that isn't what it was.

Oh, it was a television all right, but it wasn't actually mine. My parents had bought it for themselves, wrapped it up for me to open, then they claimed it immediately... that very day. They didn't say so, of course. They took it and set it up where they wanted until I had no option but to surmise. Until my child mind understood what they had done. I became terribly upset. My brother got a tonka truck the same year, iirc.

Getting upset was not allowed. I was forced to sit down and apologise over and over for upsetting my mother, and for being a horrible, ungrateful child. The more upset I got, the worse it got, until I was told I had ruined christmas. I didn't really remember the details until today. I just remembered the tv. But I'm learning to trust myself more now, and to trust in my recollections. Because someone has to validate my child self, even if it's only me.

So today I was angry. More and more, I am coming to realise that my father was not as blameless as he always made himself out to be. He enabled her at every turn, and he was not a stupid man. He must have known what it would do. He must have seen what it did as grew up quiet and timid and hidden away. He claimed to love me. I wouldn't treat a stray dog like that.

It also occurred to me today that she made an error. She wanted new man to be the new collaborator, counting on the fact that because he was around when I was little, I would accept it. I still have some undiscovered personal pride, then. Because he is essentially a stranger, and her showing off and involving him has caused me to see t hrough her for all time. It's over. She just doesn't know how over it is yet. She will. And I may think of her again... but I have had a lifetime of MH issues due to her, and to my Dad. I know how to distract unwanted thoughts.

Today... I am angry.