I'm really agitated all the time

[athene1399]

I'm not sure if I'm still recovering from July, but I've been so on edge lately and still very agitated. School has been done for a week, the party is over, and I'm still really on edge. I think part of it is I'm still mad about work and can't do anything about it. My BPD-ish behaviors are starting up again. I have less patience and energy so am having trouble with filtering my thoughts and actions. Just everything has been setting me off. Maybe I should take another day off work? The last two I took off I had stuff to do for school and SD's party so I didn't really rest. I tried talking to SO about it last night. I had to change my plans last night because last minute he told me he wanted to go out to dinner with his daughter. I try making her a priority, but it sucks when I am told last minute. Especially when I wanted to get something done yesterday because I know I won't have a lot of tie today. Sometimes It feels like what is important to me and what I have to do always takes a back seat to everyone else. But then I worry I am being selfish. Then I yelled at SO last night becasue he called me out of bed to put a garbage bag in. He claimed he didn't know I was in bed, although I was upstairs for over a half-hour so I don't know what he thought i was doing .He was cleaning out his van so I don't think he realized what time it was. But as soon as we got home from seeing SD I went up to bed. Maybe that's part of my problem. i thought he should notice me and what I am doing but he had no idea so I was pissed. Obviously more pissed than I should have been, but that's been my life lately: overreactions. I don't know if I should tell him and my sis not to expect me to do anything for them the rest of the week (sis just asked me to look over a resume for her later and I told her I didn't get done what I wanted to last night so have no time today unless she sends it to me at work. She didn't respond lol). Am I being selfish? I really just want to focus on what I have going on this week and I want time to rest and relax after having a crazy July. And it's not like I am not doing my stuff. I've been cleaning the house and doing what  I need to do, I just don't want to do what other people want me to do. I kind of just want to do my own stuff for a little bit.

But I can't control what other people do. So I know it's my fault for overreacting, but I don't know what to do. I've been doing my normal stuff that usually helps and it's not helping. I was playing music the day before yesterday and had the evening to myself (which usually helps me recharge). But I also told SO I planned dinner together for us since I haven't cooked for us in forever becasue I had no time and then he got stuck at my parents and didn't come back until I was in bed. So maybe that's part of it too. Maybe posting about it here will help.  Probably I should start therapy at least for a bit. I won't have time in January but maybe I should go for a bit. I just don't know what else to do. Like it's to the point where I'm pissed off that people are talking to me just because i want to be left alone. I'm trying to not act pissy, but it's getting so hard. Maybe I should go on vacation by myself. 

[all4peace]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling right now. I find breathing to be extremely helpful when my nervous system is overloaded. I mean intentional, long, calm, slow, deep breaths. Four-count breathing in, four-count holding the breath, four-count breathing out. Repeat. It brings you into the present moment, it calms the nervous system and it helps you be less reactive.

This works when someone is irritating you--do it before responding.
It works when there's too much on your plate--do it before tackling the next task.
It works when you're afraid--do it before letting the fear hijack your body.

Also, when working through trauma, my dear friend taught me to imagine the breath coming in as bright green, beautiful, the color of life. And to imagine the breath going out as gray or black, all the trauma, pain, anger and ugly coming out. In with life, out with death. Over and over. It was immensely helpful for me when I felt like you're describing.

Hang in there.

[athene1399]

Thank you, all4peace. I always forget to focus on breathing to bring me back to the moment. Thank you! 

[moglow]

I needed that too, a4p, so thank you from me too! I'm forever telling people to breathe through it, and I fail to focus on the mechanics of it myself. We forget we need that oxygen to function, to think, to buy that extra time to respond rather than react.

Athene, I wish I had other suggestions for you. All I can offer are empathy and compassion - I told my sister just a few weeks back that I'm agitated and edgy for no real reason. Bullshit really, there are a pile-on of reasons/excuses that I didn't want to talk about at the time or with her.

I *try* to remind myself to think it through - will this matter a day or week from now? Is it worth torturing myself over? Am I just overthinking and reading things into it that aren't there? Am I reacting to surface stuff rather than actually addressing underlying issues?

When all else fails, I try HALT - am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired? (Maybe I should start there first?!) Maybe you're pushing yourself for more than you're prepared for at that/this moment in time, expectations outweighing the realities? And yes, if you feel talking with a counselor/therapist would help, absolutely do that. There's never anything wring with asking for help when you need it!!

Be easy on yourself, Athene, as you'd tell any of us. I'm convinced it's all a process and we're all in it together, albeit at different places.

[athene1399]

Thank you, Moglow. I'm doing better today. I took a different way to work because I keep getting stuck behind a bus that drives ten mph under the speed limit in a very long no passing zone and that sets me off (but I know it shouldn't). Sometimes it really depends on the hour as to how I am feeling. And I try to keep it all in is the other problem because I know I can't act like a maniac when I'm upset, but I probably also need to find better ways to process. Part of it is I was a wreck last decade (I'm not diagnosed, but it was basically BPD symptoms: suicidal & self-harm, no emotion regulation, impulsive, risky behavior, no sense of self, abandonment issues, anger issues/raging, and bad depression on top of that), so I think I'm terrified I'll be like that again. I put in so much hard work to not be like that. It used to be exhausting, but most days now it's not so bad.

I think talking about it here helps a lot. I feel so invisible IRL sometimes (I still have no sense of self, so that could be why). I think a bit of it was SO was with my parents and was talking to them about whatever and basically said, "even though your parents abused you they didn't realize what they were doing was wrong and they do care about you" (paraphrasing). I felt a little betrayed when he said that. I understand his point, but caring about someone doesn't negate the years of abuse. Then he was like "you're dad's just too old school to see that as abuse." Usually when we talk about what happened, SO is speechless. It caught me so off guard to hear him excuse their behavior. I know he was just trying to help, but on top of everything else I think I just internalized it and stewed over it for a few days. I think basically what he pointed out is the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. My parents care, but they did some really messed up things to me. And that's not excusable. But that's also in the past and I really don't see them often anyway. But it's also stuff I am processing now, so sometimes it feels so fresh. There was so much I buried inside because I had to. I guess I'm trying to dig it up and get rid of it because I don't want it anymore. But that's emotionally draining too. But I also feel like i am almost through all of it. I'm checking things off my list that I used to dwell on that I don't anymore. The frequency of nightmares has dramatically decreased (every dream was a nightmare). I haven't had a sleep paralysis episode in over five years (i used to have them nightly).  So I guess I just need to keep some of that in perspective. And breathe! lol

Here's something I was wondering yesterday, has anyone tried wearing jewelry or getting a tattoo to remind them to breathe or be mindful? I was thinking of trying to find a bracelet with images on it to remind me to be mindful, so wasn't sure if anyone has heard of that or tried it. I'm not sure if they exist; it's just an idea i wanted to try out.  Wasn't sure if anyone's done anything similar.

[all4peace]

I think you bring up some really important points--this trauma-processing journey is exhausting! And when we have a setback we can easily lose sight of how far we've come.

A couple things I learned from my therapist--
* when you have a setback, it's only a setback. You haven't lost all that ground. It's just a day, week or month or feeling rather crummy again. It will pass.
* submit to the process. It's an incredible journey, although a really painful one, and everyone's is different. It sounds to me from your language that you can FEEL you're nearly through the worst parts! That's incredible! I also could feel in my bones when I was coming through to the other side. Trust that. You sound like you're good at listening to yourself and that's an incredible tool.

For those setbacks, my T gave me a visualization that I found invaluable at the time. Imagine walking alongside a river (living regular life) and suddenly you fall in (a triggering, reactive setback). It feels like you're drowning, but you're not. Just imagine swimming to the riverbank, climbing out and walking back to the place you had been when you fell in. Over time, you will be able to do so faster and faster, and there will be longer and longer stretches of time between falling into the river again.

It works. I don't even use this visualization anymore because I don't fall in the river anymore. I can feel myself starting to slide down the bank and know how to stop that before falling all the way in Seriously, you've got this!

[all4peace]

Oh, forgot to answer your last question. I've held a beautiful stone before when going to very difficult therapy sessions to help me stay present and not in trauma response. It was very helpful. I've heard of people snapping a rubberband on their wrist to "snap" them back into the present moment. I like breathing because it's always with us, and as long as we're tuning into the symptoms of fight-flight-freeze, when can halt that in its tracks by concentrating on our breathing. I'd say do whatever makes the most sense and is most meaningful to you!

[athene1399]

Imagine walking alongside a river (living regular life) and suddenly you fall in (a triggering, reactive setback). It feels like you're drowning, but you're not. Just imagine swimming to the riverbank, climbing out and walking back to the place you had been when you fell in.

This sounds amazing because that's what it feels like. I used to be either emotionally numb or drowning. I've been working on the numb part, but never sure how to "fix" the drowning part. I think this visualization should help for that.

And thank you for the input on the stone. I think that's a great idea. And stones are by rivers so it should help me to remember the visualization (and I love pretty stones and rocks. I used to have a rock collection until M threw it out. But that's another story lol).

[Drawing_boundaries]

Hi Anthene1399
Thank you for your story. I am an introvert and can relate to your desire for personal time to self regulate. A solo vacation is also my dream holiday with endless time to self sooth after a busy period. For this reason I don't think you are being selfish by needed time to yourself to recoup. Self care is so important and pushing yourself to meet others needs is only going to exacerbate the situation.

I am at the start of my journey trying to understand how my neurological and nervous system have been shaped by FOO. All4peace pointed me to this thread for that reason. I see so much of my own stuff in your post. I am also going to take on the river visualisation - it is so peaceful and accessible in troubled times.

[athene1399]

Thank you, Drawing Boundaries. I wasn't allowed to ask for things as a child (especially not my own space), so when I want things I feel I am being selfish. I try really hard to find the balance between asking for too much/not enough. Sometimes it gets tricky, but this site is so helpful.

I always feel responsible for others when I am with them. I know I shouldn't be, but at this point I still do. When I am alone, I can focus on myself.

Self care is so important and pushing yourself to meet others needs is only going to exacerbate the situation.

You are dead on. Thank you for the reminder!

[1footouttadefog]

Something that comes to mind is list making.  When I am stressed and have a lot of interference I find it useful to make lists so I can release my mind to what is a priority to me.

Requesting others make lists is another way to release pressure. 

Iight in your case make a list of these interruptions and requests and things line the not coming home for a dinner you mentioned in advanced.

Putting together a too list frees my mind of things that want to jumble around like clothes in a dryer.

Requesting lists from those who would take up my time puts the responsibility on them to remind me later when my time crunch is over and asserts that no it will not be now that it gets done. 

Making a list of the irregularities and requests allows you to revisit them later any see a pattern of one exists as well as off load them emotionally for the time being.

Seeing a series of notes I wrote years ago is insightful to be sure.