It has finally happened...

[OddFamily]

A few days ago, my grandmother fell and broke her hip. 
Her balance has been shot to pieces courtesy of a stroke several years ago (that she denies she had).  Did she use her walker or rollator in the house?  No, because using one makes her "look old".  Last time I checked if you're by yourself in the house the furniture is not going to critique you. 
Did she use her alert pendent?  No, the darn thing's never left the charging cradle because "she didn't want to set it off in her pocket" and "it's too heavy to wear around her neck".  I use a neck strap to support my instrument, a small pendant doesn't weigh that much, I can hang effectively a 5 pound weight from the neck strap and it barely registers and I don't use a wide neck strap.  So as a result she was on the floor for hours.
And now she's going to resist going to rehab once that discussion starts.  This is the natural consequence of not using your assistive devices.  I am not going to argue with your doctors on this.   I am going to be advocating that she go from rehab to assisted living or some other non-independent living situation.  Once again, I am not going to step in front of the natural consequences.  I know her MO, and it's not going to work.  She can glare and snark and resist and whine and complain all she wants, it is not going to change a thing.  The entire family has reached our limit with her.  She keeps saying "I don't want to be a burden".  Moving to assisted living would resolve that and give my mom who's her primary caregiver her life back. 
I've been Out of the FOG before I even knew about this place.  Now my mom is seeing the light, and hopefully this will get her Out of the FOG too.  Hopefully she can stand as strong as I have been, and not give in to the waifing, nasty punitiveness, etc that is bound to come.   If she wants to move back to her place, fine.  It's her choice, if she wants to risk her safety that is her choice, but I will not be visiting her in the hospital when she falls and breaks something, I don't do sympathy for self-inflicted and you knew better. 

[Spirit in the sky]

I hear you Odd Family,

I am in a similar situation with my father, he's in hospital after a fall. He has terminal lung cancer and really should be in a nursing facility. But he refuses because it's for old people. My mum is exhausted looking after him, I have tried to persuade him to do the right thing for everyone and he won't even consider it.

I dread him coming home because she's refusing a care package. I'm not looking after him and y mum isn't well enough but he only cares about himself.

A few days ago, my grandmother fell and broke her hip. 
Her balance has been shot to pieces courtesy of a stroke several years ago (that she denies she had).  Did she use her walker or rollator in the house?  No, because using one makes her "look old".  Last time I checked if you're by yourself in the house the furniture is not going to critique you. 
Did she use her alert pendent?  No, the darn thing's never left the charging cradle because "she didn't want to set it off in her pocket" and "it's too heavy to wear around her neck".  I use a neck strap to support my instrument, a small pendant doesn't weigh that much, I can hang effectively a 5 pound weight from the neck strap and it barely registers and I don't use a wide neck strap.  So as a result she was on the floor for hours.
And now she's going to resist going to rehab once that discussion starts.  This is the natural consequence of not using your assistive devices.  I am not going to argue with your doctors on this.   I am going to be advocating that she go from rehab to assisted living or some other non-independent living situation.  Once again, I am not going to step in front of the natural consequences.  I know her MO, and it's not going to work.  She can glare and snark and resist and whine and complain all she wants, it is not going to change a thing.  The entire family has reached our limit with her.  She keeps saying "I don't want to be a burden".  Moving to assisted living would resolve that and give my mom who's her primary caregiver her life back. 
I've been Out of the FOG before I even knew about this place.  Now my mom is seeing the light, and hopefully this will get her Out of the FOG too.  Hopefully she can stand as strong as I have been, and not give in to the waifing, nasty punitiveness, etc that is bound to come.   If she wants to move back to her place, fine.  It's her choice, if she wants to risk her safety that is her choice, but I will not be visiting her in the hospital when she falls and breaks something, I don't do sympathy for self-inflicted and you knew better.

[p123]

Dont get me going on the alert thing.... Dad cancelled his because he had to pay for it.

I said "so what are you going to do when you fall?" Shrug... Carry on then.

I also get the "dont want to be a burden". Yeh right that means I know I'm being a PITA but I'm pretending I care about you but I dont't really.

[OddFamily]

So she is safely ensconced in rehab.  And she's saying oh I'll use the pendant and carry it all the time, is being deliberately obtuse with what comes after rehab, and so on.  And why should I believe you will start using your pendent when you spent all this time trying to buck the system that was in place for your own safety and preservation of independence?  If you had worked with it we wouldn't be in this pickle, now would we? 
P123, you're right about the whole don't want to be a burden thing, never thought of it like that.  She'd be happy if mom moved in with her, but that's not going to happen, mom has a life and family of her own and has made that clear. 

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi OddFamily - and welcome! 

I swear - they operate from the same playbook! 

UnNPD Ray was in his mid 80's and had balance issues, yet wouldn't use a cane or walker because they were "for old people."   

He also had a Life Alert button he treated like something to show off.  He only used the thing when he'd make the mistake of calling me, I wouldn't answer, so he'd call his visiting nurse, who'd yell, "Use your button, Ray!"

Later, I'd hear how he didn't want to BOTHER them - meaning he thought it was *my job* to get him off the floor (and why I rarely took his calls!) 

One day, Ray had a heart attack he'll swear he never had, called the nurse, who screamed at him to press his button and he was taken to the hospital and treated.  From there, he was sent to rehab  and they tried getting me involved, but I refused - and started citing my own concerns, which they'd all noticed about Ray, meaning he really did need to be in AL.

But nobody could "make" him go, so he was sent home with a team  and it took him a month to dismantle it.  That's when social workers started pestering me to be his caregiver and refused - again, agreeing that he needed to be in AL, nobody could make him do it, and we'd have to be okay with somebody noticing the mail and papers piling up at his house.

Which was pretty much what happened - but on the day his visiting nurse *just happened* to be coming over.  Ray fell in the bathroom, didn't use his Life Alert - which was *right by his hand*, thinking the visiting nurse would get me over there to do my  job, and he'd finally get what he wanted.

Instead, I stayed here, had the VN call the police, gave them permission to break in after APS showed up, Ray was taken to the hospital and declared incompetent.

So much for THAT great plan! 

I suspect your grandmother is probably going to do the same thing Ray did - if nobody will get involved, the rehab will get together with her supplemental insurance and get her some home help she'll probably fire after a couple of weeks, because they're - dun dun DUUUUUUUN!!!!! - strangers.   

Her insurance will get wind of it, probably call her doctor, and that's when the social workers start pestering - no matter what you tell them, they're  going to write down you and other family members are *unwilling* to care for your grandmother.

The only weapon they have is FOG, which is why I think they use that word - to try to make us feel bad, but it didn't work on me.

I told one, "Write down any damned thing you want, the answer is still NO!" 

Your grandmother will probably wind up like Ray, being that she's too damned stubborn for her own good and her PD is probably running the show, meaning *nobody* is going to tell HER what to do or take HER house!   

As long as you and your FOO stay out of it and let the wheels fall off her choo-choo, organically, you'll be okay.  It'll be *rough* to watch the train crash from afar, but necessary - you don't want to be caught up in any of your grandmother's problems. 

She needs *professional* help - just like Ray - but she just won't accept it until her choices are taken away (incompetence) or a really awesome social worker (usually at the rehab or the AL the rehab is affiliated with) manages to schmooze your  grandmother on just how wonderful their services are, and how she'll be treated like princess... 

Good social workers DO exist and do know how to deal with people like your grandmother - I'd let somebody like that try to talk reason to her, while you and your entire FOO and FOC stay OUT of it. 

It's funny - for somebody who doesn't want to be a burden, she's sure making herself one!

Maybe the next time she says something like that, somebody might want to ask why she insists on being one. 

You and your FOO are doing the RIGHT thing.  Your grandmother's problems are her own and she doesn't get to visit them on you.

[OddFamily]

WomanInterrupted, I've had the same thought run through my mind when I've been lurking on the boards, same playbook. 
I don't know how this is going to play out, but your suspicions are most likely correct.  I know the whole strangers thing has been an issue for many years prior.  And she was a caregiver when my grandfather had Alzheimers, why is it not penetrating that's what my mom is going through with her right now?  Just like then, she's in denial so deep I could swim through it.
Good idea about letting a social worker convince her.  Oddly enough one of my coworkers used to work at that facility, I'll talk with her and see if she knows how that can be arranged.  Per recommendation of others on the site I've also passed along they might want to look into a geriatric care manager.