The subject says it all. My mom rarely asks me how I am or how my pregnancy is going except to demand that I take care of myself because, to paraphrase a few instances, "the most important thing is taking care of our baby."
:no:
(I mean yes, taking care of myself and the baby is important but no, it's not her baby.) My dad has cancer and she always couches these statements amidst updates about his treatment so that I never feel right setting her straight.
Quote from: catta on June 17, 2020, 05:00:39 PM
The subject says it all. My mom rarely asks me how I am or how my pregnancy is going except to demand that I take care of myself because, to paraphrase a few instances, "the most important thing is taking care of our baby."
:no:
(I mean yes, taking care of myself and the baby is important but no, it's not her baby.) My dad has cancer and she always couches these statements amidst updates about his treatment so that I never feel right setting her straight.
How about in a playful tone..."Nice try grandma. I know you are excited, but this my baby. You already had your turn. Of course I'm taking good care of both of us." then change the subject.
hmmm yeh that is a bit weird I'll be honest....
Gahh!
Maybe it is no big deal, but I would gently nip that in the bud.
I like Bloomie's comment. A friendly, light-hearted counter is a good idea. To a fault, I live by a rule perhaps inspired by my small male stature: I always seek to de-escalate. Even when I shouldn't. Here's another potential angle along those lines.
"Nice try grandma. I'm taking care of my baby, your grandbaby. I'm so glad you're around to share advice and wisdom."
My mother used to do this as well. About my cat. She would call it my baby. It freaked me out. One time, when we were on the phone, she asked if she could talk to the cat, and started baby talking to it, calling it her little baby.
I said, she's not your baby. She's my cat. I am going to hang up the phone if you continue.
She stopped.
I would say, call it out, immediately. It bothers you, and it makes sense that it does. "Mom, she's not your baby, and if I hear you say that again, I am going to X (hang up, walk away, put limits on how much time you spend with me, and my baby).
Yuck!
With my oldest, whom my parents babysat, my Nmom would go a step further. "I'm his second mommy. He has two mommies." I was foggy then and didn't address, but I *hated* that! It stopped when her attention went to other things, but I felt violated and demeaned while it lasted.
🤗
This is a major red flag... It's actually something I was worried my uBPDm would start with my DS. She never did, but then I didn't give her much opportunity to try. This harks back to the idea that in the eyes of disordered individuals we're nothing more than possessions.
I agree, a boundary is needed here. I know it's not great timing. You're pregnant and this added stress is the last thing you need, but I think the boundary is important to have before it begins to escalate.
Those sorts of "comments" are so emotionally manipulative. Mine did this exact thing as well.
When I learned about how people with NPD don't see others as separate people with our own needs and identity, it was like ding ding ding!!! That's what my NPDm did constantly with me.
When the Narcissists in my FOO say "we" and "ours" they don't mean "me and the people I love and care about". They mean "me and the people I control and manipulate" .
Oh. Come. On. :roll:
My best friend has a baby now, and I can just see the flash of anger that would rip across her face if someone else tried to claim her baby as "theirs."
People who respect other parents' boundaries know not to claim Parenthood without it first being bestowed by the parent. I've helped raised a friend's dog since puppyhood, and we all live together. I never claimed I was the dog's second mom until her rightful mom labelled me that, because I wouldn't even overstep that boundary with an animal, let alone a human child.
I think all of the examples and suggestions for responses given are great options, and suitable even if she is couching it within your dad's illness. That's extremely manipulative of her - good on you for recognizing what it is.
I hope you get to enjoy your pregnancy and planning for baby's arrival despite gradma's nonsense. Also, you, your health, and your happiness during pregnancy matter a great deal too. And not just for baby's sake.
Thanks everyone-- I knew I couldn't be the only one with this experience!! I'm definitely going to say something next time it comes up.
It bothers me especially because I don't trust either of my parents to ever be alone with my children. I'd feel safer with a teen babysitter. My mom has already claimed that safety rules for reducing SIDS risk are things I made up just to be difficult. So yeah I'm not leaving her alone with an infant.
Lotusblume, my mom does something similar to my cat. She actually behaves so bizarrely around cats that I don't even want to post specifics here because I'm afraid they'd be identifying :doh:
Quote from: catta on June 21, 2020, 02:35:41 PM
Thanks everyone-- I knew I couldn't be the only one with this experience!! I'm definitely going to say something next time it comes up.
It bothers me especially because I don't trust either of my parents to ever be alone with my children. I'd feel safer with a teen babysitter. My mom has already claimed that safety rules for reducing SIDS risk are things I made up just to be difficult. So yeah I'm not leaving her alone with an infant.
Lotusblume, my mom does something similar to my cat. She actually behaves so bizarrely around cats that I don't even want to post specifics here because I'm afraid they'd be identifying :doh:
Man... It's an inter generational thing on the maternal side. My grandmother is a major infantalizing engulfer, and my mother is better in some ways, but doesn't realize she does some of the same stuff.
It is strange because I'm in a kind of contact limbo with her. I guess you would call it VLC. I'm trying to figure her out still, to see if we can actually have a relationship with boundaries eventually. But it makes me cringe thinking about her knowing I was pregnant, as in your situation. I feel for you. Have you ever seen the TLC show "smothered"? She's like the lady who thinks her daughter is her twin and takes her to a Lamaze class., gets jealous when she is not included in every single thing going on in her life, and tries to supercede her husband.
Quote from: catta on June 21, 2020, 02:35:41 PM
Thanks everyone-- I knew I couldn't be the only one with this experience!! I'm definitely going to say something next time it comes up.
It bothers me especially because I don't trust either of my parents to ever be alone with my children. I'd feel safer with a teen babysitter. My mom has already claimed that safety rules for reducing SIDS risk are things I made up just to be difficult. So yeah I'm not leaving her alone with an infant.
Lotusblume, my mom does something similar to my cat. She actually behaves so bizarrely around cats that I don't even want to post specifics here because I'm afraid they'd be identifying :doh:
Oh I remember my MIL with things like sterilising. Her attitude was "well it was ok in my day to do that". Jeez.....
My mom does this and it drove me nuts. I talked with my therapist and she suggested something along the lines of what Starboard Song suggests. My mom typically used "my baby" when texting, like "How's my baby?" I didn't want to respond to her because I felt like to respond I was showing I was in agreement. Instead, I would respond "My daughter/Your granddaughter is..." or some variation of that. It helped me to feel better when I was too tired to deal with confrontation. Unfortunately, 5 years later and she's started doing it again! I correct her "My daughter..." or say she isn't a baby anymore but it is super annoying. My sis is pregnant now and it's already started with her too.
My pdm was very like that too. Unfortunately I was fogged but it still really upset me. She tried to push me into giving up breast feeding (I assume because she had issues) etc and take over. Just recently she told my 34 year old "I brought you up well'. Twilight zone music here. We lived a long way away. Don't start down this track. Pdm was always in my face over the kids.
When exbpdh left her only comment to me was "what have you done with the children?"
And she firmly believes she's mother of the millennium and no one else is fit especially me.
Don't start the rot imo
Oh my god that must feel terrible.
I rememeber when I was pregnant, my mother told me on the phone (while also rarely asking about how I was doing myself) that she had named my unborn baby. And that way she talked to him, naming him made that easier for her. And no, no! she wasn't telling me the name! It was between her and her baby. I didn't ask mind you.
I felt so violated, just physically ill. It actually felt like she tried to take him away from me. Which in a way is precisely what she meant to do- claim the most important thing to me, something that can never be more MINE than anyone else's, for herself.
I cried for ages after I hung up and I spiralled into a triggered mess which took me weeks to get out off. What a waste in such a beautiful period of my life!
After that, I started distancing myself little by little. It was the wake up call I needed to put (emotional and physical) distance between my old FOO and the new family I was creating. We have the right and the power to do that.
It took me years to learn how set healthy boundaries but I got there eventually. And my kids will grow up without ever having to feel the way I did as a child. I had no choice back then, but I can make the choice now for my children. It's my responsibility and I take that very seriously. There is such freedom and power and even joy in that.
Good luck to you in navigating (grand)parenthood with a mom like ours. It can be tough.
I can recommend talking to your husband about forming a united front in what will be acceptable behaviour, how much access grandma gets etc. Don't let her (or anyone else for that matter) tell you how to raise your child. Or put too much of a claim on them. Forget about peer pressure, what is 'normal' (our FOO isn't normal) etc.
YOU are their mom. The only one. Back up, lady ;D
Boundaries.
Too close for comfort. :evil2:
I just remembered, in 1982 I was expecting my dd mid February. I already had a ds and back then we didn't know the gender. Well NM went ahead and bought a Pink pouch with the hood (for a baby in winter) which was popular back then.
Anyway, what the hell, she didn't know I was having a girl!! She decided I was having a girl. :doh:
Can I tell you how proud it made her feel, she won that round. :sly:
Wondered what it would have been if I a had another boy. ;D
Sorry to hear you've had this happen Catta. It's such a bizarre and head spinning thing for her to do!
I could imagine that because she does it in a surface caring sort of way it is very easy to feel you can't challenge her on it but I think you have every right to. I like the other suggestions made about trying to do it in a jokey way but I suspect it'll be a boundary you have to reassert fairly regularly.
I hope she takes the hint when you address it with her and that you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!
DH's M did this, once our kids were born. Before birth, she couldn't even acknowledge my pregnancy except to give me disgusting advice on how to prepare for breastfeeding (if "that's" what I intended to do). But after birth, she would often slip and refer to herself as mommy to our son. I can't remember if she did so for our daughter. Regardless, once our DD was born, DS was relegated to non-existence and she developed an intense sense of focus on and entitlement to our DD that continues obsessively and creepily to this day. That doesn't mean this is how your M will behave, but I would get very clear on boundaries right up front and spend time listening to yourself when something bothers you.
I never had kids, but back when I was hoping to, I vowed that NO ONE was coming into the delivery room with me, especially my mother. It just seemed too violating and it didn't need to be a family affair. I knew that it was the only way I could keep her out of there, to say I didn't even want my husband in there. Because if I let him in and not her, I would never hear the end of it. So I was willing to give up the idea of having him in there, just to keep her out. Because back when I was much younger, it was harder to stand up to her guilt trip manipulation. If I upset her, there were all the flying monkeys to deal with too.
We were going to have my MIL in the delivery room. It was during that pregnancy that we noticed her being very high-maintenance and critical. While we didn't yet see the storm waters rising, we sensed she'd be a negative, critical energy in the delivery room, so when the day arrived we only allowed brief visitation during labor. As delivery approached, we said we'd decided it would only be the two of us present.
Thirteern years later this snub was was part of the three page rant in which my MIL announced permanent estrangement from us.
Here's the truth: healthy people do not presume to a right to be present at the birth of a baby.
I can't imagine hearing my mom (or MIL) be resentful about the baby's dad being present at delivery and not her-- I'm not sure I could pretend to be polite about that kind of complaint.
"Thankfully" because of COVID19 my hospital will only let me have one person present during delivery!
Quote from: catta on June 17, 2020, 05:00:39 PM
The subject says it all. My mom rarely asks me how I am or how my pregnancy is going except to demand that I take care of myself because, to paraphrase a few instances, "the most important thing is taking care of our baby."
:no:
(I mean yes, taking care of myself and the baby is important but no, it's not her baby.) My dad has cancer and she always couches these statements amidst updates about his treatment so that I never feel right setting her straight.
Yikes! That sounds rather vexacious and tiresome to hear her say that. There are good replies in this thread on how to reply back to her.
My man's bio mother is like that too...She offered to babysit the little one for free. Then she became more and more demanding gradually and was controlling on the parenting of our baby, and talking about when he gets older, she's going to go to HIS school and sit with him the whole time during class, and walk with him to and from school. Sounded creepy and like a hover parent to me. Luckily...she decided to go no contact with us, because she got mad at my significant other for him not bending over backwards to her commands. We also have a daycare---which is what I wanted to do in the first place anyways.
Anywho, how've you been doing catta? I know being pregnant is not the easiest or funnest state to be...especially the first trimester---I don't miss that part of pregnancy at all! Hope you're doing well! :)
I just saw this thread and it gave me shivers, even now that my "baby" is close to 30. My uHPD MIL was so insanely jealous that I gave birth to a girl (she always wanted a girl, but instead was blessed with many sons). After DD was born, my MIL actually asked my DH to leave me, bring our new baby to her house several states away, and she would help him raise our new baby away from me. Luckily, my DH did not tell me this story until DD was close to 10 or 12. I think I would have had a meltdown and banned MIL from our house forever (which, looking back on it, would have saved me a lot of grief over the years).
My point is not to alarm you. But please take this seriously, and make sure you set very firm boundaries around your baby from the very beginning. Your baby, your rules - don't every let her forget that.
@ BefuddledClarity: I still haven't set a boundary with her-- she's so good at burying "our baby" within something that would make me feel like a monster for setting a boundary. At some point I'm going to have to just let myself feel like a jerk but know that I did the right thing.
But otherwise I'm doing well! I'm solidly in the second trimester now and everything looks healthy for me and baby (although I have to say that I'm a LOT more tired than I expect to be most days and I'm still mildly nauseous-- apparently some lucky people get to be nauseous for their entire pregnancy :roll:)
@ Sneezy: I'm definitely already alarmed so I appreciate your message-- I need the motivation to speak up for myself sooner rather than later. I don't even think I trust my parents to be alone with my children. I don't remember whether I said this in this thread, but for the last 10 or so years my mom has been saying things to me like "The real reason to have children is to get grandchildren. They're the ones you really love," and when I was growing up she often expressed her hope that one day my children would "punish" me for what a "terrible" child I was. (As far as I can tell, I was a pretty easy child who simply wasn't a carbon copy of her.) So I suspect she has an elaborate plan to manipulate my children and I don't plan on giving her any opportunities to enact it.
Quote from: catta on July 21, 2020, 03:33:46 PM
@ BefuddledClarity: I still haven't set a boundary with her-- she's so good at burying "our baby" within something that would make me feel like a monster for setting a boundary. At some point I'm going to have to just let myself feel like a jerk but know that I did the right thing.
But otherwise I'm doing well! I'm solidly in the second trimester now and everything looks healthy for me and baby (although I have to say that I'm a LOT more tired than I expect to be most days and I'm still mildly nauseous-- apparently some lucky people get to be nauseous for their entire pregnancy :roll:)
I feel it...I felt similar when my MIL was pushing my boundaries. It was even worse, since I had post partum depression at the time too and just felt like crap and defenceless. Now that she's gone, I'm learning how to be able to protect my son better.
Though the funny thing is, it's a double-standard. Whenever my mother tried to pull this sorta stunt, I call her out on it. When she tries holding my baby all day, I tell her to let him sleep in his own crib and I go over there and take him from her.
But I didn't rock that boat with MIL when I should have because she's MUCH worse and got on my nerves...it was hard to say much because of the way my SO reacts to how his BIL talks to MIL(i.e. he stands his ground, SO thinks he's purposely being rude to his mom). SO's mom is very rude and blunt. Ug...
Anyways enough about me.
It's good to hear that you are doing well in your second trimester! Ooof, hopefully the nausea goes away! That's probably the only thing I don't miss about pregnancy heh. But I promise it will get better each and everyday. :)
Catta, I have some sort of Nmum. Let me tell you right now while you're still pregnant:
BE. A. ""JERK". DO IT. You'll thank yourself a million zillion times over, and anyway, you might as well get the practice in now. You'll be doing it time and again over how you feed, sleep, transport, play, go out, clothes, animals, breathing, existing....
By the way, it's "setting boundaries". Not "being a jerk". No matter what she acts like.
PS my kids are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is in the Army and Nmum *is still at it*. STILL. Agitate, bother, harass. I try to be LC.