Leaving someone with NPD and trauma bonds

[I chose me]

Hi all,
I'm new to this page and came across it looking for online support. I recently ended a 6 year relationship with my abusive partner who has NPD and a drug addiction. I'm struggling to function due to the intense trauma bond I have to him.

In the beginning I thought he was my absolute soulmate, he made me so happy. He proposed to me and we planned to move in together and get married. Since then, he has spent years abusing me - losing his temper and flying into mindless rages where he will call me all sorts of vulgar names and accuse me of everything possible. He would be physically abusive, threaten me, take my keys, my phone and cause massive scenes where he would publicly humiliate me. Twice the police were involved. I would then try to end it and then he would wear me down in text messages or turn up at my house shouting until I eventually took the blame and took him back. This went on for many years, along with his crippling drug addiction that affected his moods and his thinking. He lost access to his daughter at one point for shoplifting with her there. He now sees her again but this isn't how it was and his relationship with his daughter has been damaged in the process. He has not been a good father to her. He constantly blames others and won't be accountable for anything, including his addiction which he blames on childhood trauma. The years went on and we tried to get a house together only to fail due to him taking out a big loan which he said wouldn't affect his credit but it did. This year he then began to see a holistic 'therapist' who basically became like the third wheel in our relationship. He would triangulate her and me, threaten me with her and turned his back on me because he had a new source of supply. She crossed boundaries such as washing his clothes, giving him illegal drugs and having him to stay to try and 'get him clean'. Over the year, the 'discard' phase, he never called, constantly argued with me, refused to pick up the phone, was cold, angry and blamed me for the demise of the relationship because I kept ending it with him and then going back. He took no responsibility for any of his actions and he said he was like this because he felt he'd lost trust because I kept ending it then going back. I had a cancer scare this year, have been unable to afford the basic means and he hasn't cared. He turned his back. So eventually, after many months of having panic attacks, my physical and mental health suffering and intense stress, I ended it with him for good. I ended it in a message due to him abusing me when I was at work in messages so I said I'd had enough and blocked him. He persisted to email mail me and eventually got back in my head enough for me to unblock him and we have spent the weekend locked into text messages. All he can see is I've ended it in a message because I couldn't take it anymore. He doesn't see any of his wrongs, he is now saying it's all my fault and I'm dark for doing this to him. He hates me. I've tried explaining my feelings over and over again but he has twisted it all onto me trying to hurt him by ending it in a message. All his friends are rallying round him, I know he will tell them it's all me and I'm such a bad person dumping him like this before Xmas in a message. He's very popular and all his friends think he has such a 'big heart'.

Please can someone help me to make sense of this. My family and friends can't stand him and have been urging me to leave him for a long time but I can't confide in them about how bad it's actually been. He's tried to tell me I'm a narcissist and I've spent the last year trying to understand it in case I am. I am feeling so hurt and confused and heartbroken and all I want to do is go back but we have properly cut ties this time and I need to be strong. I just feel so damaged and I can't function properly. I've spent so much time trying to find online advice but I just know how to break this trauma bond and heal. I know it's early days but I feel like I can't even get through each day.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm glad you joined us!  This is really tough stuff and it's not uncommon for people who haven't lived it to not understand.  BW gave some excellent suggestions. 

If you search your area for domestic violence resources, you might find some good help, sometimes even group or individual therapy free of charge.  Getting lots of support is really important.

(There's also Alanon or Nar anon for loved ones of addicts/alcoholics.)