Had to take my pdh to VA ER for mental health intake.
He just became u glue over the last months and it got pretty harrowing these past weeks and days.
He cannot come back home. I Cannot live the life with raging mental illness in my home any longer. He will hopefully be discharged into assisted living.
I hope he'll be discharged into assisted living too. This sounds absolutely awful for you.
Keeping you in my thoughts and sending hugs.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
I have had a few moments if grief. Not from guilt but rather because I know he is suffering, confused, angry, sad, and anxious.
I dont want anyone to suffer. I have grieved our relationship along while ago but still have compassion toward his human suffering.
May the very best situation come to pass. I'm sorry.
The way I feel, I could give H all the love in the workd if he would just stop hurting me emotionally.
Distance would acheive that.
I don't understand why some people destroy in their agony rather than connect.
After so much destruction there is nothing left for us, the caretakers or bystanders or whatever. There's just nothing left, and all the destruction came to nothing.
Just got off Phone with PDH. I made a call to his nurses station and left a message for him to call if he felt up to it.
He told me he had a better day than yesterday and maybe his nose and breathing would be better. He said I would need to sign papers for him to leave because his hands were shaking too much. I told him they docs would talk with him on Tuesday so we can figure iht what's next. He said he would need me to sign papers for wherever they were sending him. Then he acted like he would likely be better to come home be aise other people got signed out. I said I did not think it would all be solved that soon for him. He said, I'm not coming home? I said I thought the docs might want him to stay a bit longer than Tuesday and we would talk about getting him help with his nose and his mood.
Too sad.
1footoutofthefog,
Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this difficult situation, heart-wrenching. You made a difficult decision which was the best for you and your family.
take care.
Quote from: square on September 05, 2021, 02:07:18 PM
The way I feel, I could give H all the love in the workd if he would just stop hurting me emotionally.
Distance would acheive that.
I don't understand why some people destroy in their agony rather than connect.
After so much destruction there is nothing left for us, the caretakers or bystanders or whatever. There's just nothing left, and all the destruction came to nothing.
So, so true.
They must be truly tortured people.
I want to believe that, because another explanation would be they are evil and its on purpose that torment those around them.
I do feel empathy and sympathy for the pain and suffering they go through even if they don't or can't let us know what they deal with internally.
If only there were easy solutions.
You're a good person ofootf:
A good mom and a good human being teaching her kids how to drop expectation, resist judging and accepting difficult situations breaking our hearts into a million pieces.
There's life after acceptance.
There's peace in doing what's in everyone's best interests, then putting the story down and turning to what joy is available to us.
I hope your calm is restored to your home very soon.
You've earned it.
The house is calm, AND I was calm for the first couple of days, but now he is calmed down a bit, likely from he tells me they are giving him.
He is sounding a bit more normal. I am trying to manage his expectations to come home very gently and not mislead him.
I tell him there are still things the docs need to help him with. He is being less hostile in phone but not mentioning coming home.
He was just told the docs would not see him until tomorrow and he seemed chill about it.
He is calling alot but just checking in on of the dog liked her breakfast, and when can he call again and what our activities are and wanting to know when my daughter arrives back on campus etc etc.
Almost like he is here. But the house is alot quieter. Strangely quiet. He made noise just sitting in a chair staring at the wall.
I'm sending hugs.
Wow, what a lot you are dealing with, and you are doing well.
I'm so glad it's calmer for you at home now.
Xx
It is except for the phone calls. Now the social worker is pumping him up about coming home today.
Are they trying to make things thst much worse for him
I have made it clear he cannot be discharged back to the house.
They are givi g my pdh pills to settle his anxiety. They never gave me a bottle of that to give him
They cannot deal with him in a psych lock down ward but he is okay to come home and go to senior daycare for a couple of days. Will the senior care place have pills to give him.
They are in my opinion acting like this is a little care taker burnout when the poor guy is having a psychotic break or something.
It almost sounds like they don't want him to be their problem and they're just trying to get him out of their hair as fast as they can. Can't imagine why they don't want him around. :doh:
I'm in agreement about the psychotic break. That sounds like you've figured out exactly what's going on. I know you mentioned afrin addiction someplace, not sure if this thread or the other one, but my grandmother has the same thing going. Afrin addiction. If she misses it or has to go off it for any amount of time she also insists she can't breathe. Oddly enough she recognizes it for exactly what it is, but just can't be bothered to work on recovery I suppose? Too old to care maybe. I'm amazed that it's still on the market.
I hope you can find the time today to sit in the silence and let all the nasty stress and whatnot just flow off of you. That or go to the garden and find some nature chill. Green things are good for our blood pressure, not just eating them either!
Think about eatablishing early boundaries on phone calls. Will you turn off the phone at X time and turn it on again at Y time? Or better yet, have in settings a Do Not Disturb except from certain white listed contacts (like your children) for certain hours. I would include the facility itself in the whitelist but that's your choice.
Your children would also need to be set up the same way, or locked down even tighter, so he isn't blowing up their phones when he can't get through to you.
Wow!
That is just an incredible amount (and intensity) of stuff to be dealing with.
Sending you so much love and support 1foot!!
I wish there was something I could do to ease your burdens. I will pray for good outcomes for you.
In the meantime, please take the best possible care of yourself and know that you are appreciated and cherished here.
:bighug:
Stick to your guns, 1foot.
The social worker has to figure out what to do if you won't take pdh off her plate. Again.
Stay strong. You have children in your home....they need peace....same as you. You can't manage psychotic breaks....with it without meds..... it's above your pay grade.
I have deep compassion for your pdh too. It's not fair to bring him home. To him or you.
I made calls and calls. The social worker did also.
Assisted living places all around and I. Surrounding counties are either full with wait lists, dealing with active covid cases, short of staff and not taking on new clients, or reluctant to accept a discharge from a psych ward.
Where he is now is an issue and does not even have hot water.
I cannot put him on the street. I prayed for guidance and thought about putting him in an apartment and could not get a lawyer to meet with about whether or not this was an issue as I am his guardian.
The more I thought about him wandering around Un attended and engaging with strangers just for attention, and being vulnerable predatirs of the elderly I asked for a solution.
I going to divide out lower level into two. He will have a studio apartment like space. A living room with a kitchenette area and room for exercise machines, a large bedroom setup like a studio with TV watchg space, comfie chair, desk dressers and a full sized bed and a full bath.
The rules will be that he comes over toy ace for dinner most nights and visits, then goes back home. He will make errands with us and go to dinner out sometimes. He will do adult day care a couple times a week.
Huge boundaries and I will work with social worker in a plan about where to drop him off of things start going off rails. It must be caught earlier next time, when not if, I will now expect these every so often.
I will be taking some of the money and having my house cleaned as well as his space. I will outsource more maintenance and other work. No more the slave.
He will not have access to my kitchen and my refrigerator will not be violated. I will stock his fridge with things for his breakfast and lunches as well as snacks and drinks. This will also solve his night time binges thst are bad for a diabetic.
Also keeps him away from medicine cabinets etc.
I will no longer discuss finances and adult stresses with him and his access to internet will be via streaming apps with safe libraries of information. No news and doomsday and violent war footage binging for this ptsd guy. No more watching surgery videos and obsessing on medical crap
His friends will need to make dates with me not just come pick him up and take him out for sodas and donuts etc.. And then drop by drug store for Afrin that is forbidden by his docs.
I now see why so many mentally ill and vets are on the streets. They abuse and wear out all of their SOs and caretakers and then there is no in between living arrangement for them.
He has Medicare in addition to the VA, I plan to get a parralel set of providers in the private sector so I can have more dynamic care of things are too slow via the VA.
I will be willing to call 911, something I have never done.
In the meantime the MRI shows a little of this and that but nothing enough to name a diagnosis with. Again they are saying yes maybe some dementia coming on but not enough to make a diagnosis. They are acknowledging the issues but not naming them yet.
They are acknowledging the issues....
and they're still yours.
Maybe get him on all the lists, 1foot.
And put 911 on speed dial. You're a saint. I hope you don't regret this.
Yes they are still mine.
I did some research and it seems that Afrin spray can act systemically amd it may have been the catalyst for this and previous bad times. It will be in a zero tolerance list.
It can seemingly get from the nasal area into the brain and vasoconsteic the blood vessels carrying oxygen. Too much and it runs down throat and gets in stomach and acts on the whole system and prostate trouble and bladder issues are not uncommon. . I even saw where docs said it can bring on psychosis.
Pretty intense for an otc.
I hope you can get the PD to understand and agree to the new routine he'll be expected to follow.
Maybe the PD can understand his remaining in his new apartment is contingent on following the rules and honoring your boundaries?
You seem so invested in keeping the PD's routine as normal as possible.
I hope you can put that down and make your life and your children's lives as normal as possible as priority.
Every time I picture the PD coming into your space....daily.... as part of the routine yu put in place, I think....that's going to be hard to enforce when it's time to move him back downstairs.....maybe?
If it's a struggle, its going tobe daily and I would be worn down by it super fast, particularly if it's in front of the kids and the PD is behaving like a victim and guilting the kids and dogs and you...... daily.
Just remember you can expand on a routine that's work well, bc the PD is earning more priviledges by following the rules.
It's more difficult to change routines once they're in place,IME.
Like parenting, but with a grown man who's bigger than you.
I agree, this will be a challenge. Boundaries always are. I will talk about how we will do away with the supper time visits if it becomes a big issue on the way home. It occurs to me I can bring the dog and visit with him part of the time as well.
Fortunately mealtime is pretty much about the food for him not visiting and he eats fast. Watch him change to become a slow eater who chews carefully.
I will feed him restraurant food as a late lunch when I spring him today, and let him make a sandwich for supper tonight so it will start well enough.
First day back was okay. I took him for drive-thru chow then I stopped at an Ethnic grocery to get a couple of things he likes and some BBQ Bao bums and other items. My DD steamed the buns and made a stir fry we took his down as the house is a wreck and I had been helping him on and off to get his space in order.
We worked in the wall some tonight. Another session tomorrow and it should be done except for trim and painting the door. Who knew adding that the end of a board would be some complex. The floor is not entirely level so each one varies. The door went in easier than I expected.
Anyway his side will be done and look nice and clean and neat and amazingly the paneling matches the floor tiles.
He emptied some of the drawers and refilled them as I expected so I am glad I did not waste time making any real order of them.
He was super excited to find the pudding cup in his fridge as well as the peaches. He has stuff to get by for about three days it will be interesting.
He opened a bag of chips and dropped on where there was dirt and daw dust. He pick it up and ate it. So not the old guy. The cat was playing with a flosser that he dropped form an old suit case He picked it up and started flossing. When he took a shower I caught him trying to put the same clothes he has been wearing for three days on over clean underwear.
These are IMO signs of dementia, so PD with fewer filters.
Andy and Barnie are alive and well on my old TV. He is watching Seinfeld now and I cannot hear it. Whoohoo. That is exciting.
There is a mountain of stuff that needs sorted and reorganized.
You're monitoring him pretty closely, 1foot. Is the door between your spaces open right now and..... I'm not judging in any way. Just curious.
Does he seem grateful to be home.... in his own space?
How did the conversation go in the car... on the way home?
My heart winced severaltimes... over pudding cups, dd steaming bao buns for her father...... flossing with the dirty flosser..... eating chips out of the dirty sawdust.
So many balls in the air.
I'm glad you're looking down the road.
Well done.
Any time a door installs without major issues, it's a good day, and a good sign about the rest of the wall itself. I'm so glad you have the skills and know-how to handle this, 1foot.
His behavior shift does sound... kinda odd. I am concerned about your safety a bit, 1foot. Advancing dementia can cause behaviors you'd never expect from an individual, and you've mentioned he was violent during his breakdown. Are you taking precautions against another round of that? A safe room with some good locks maybe? I don't know... I just want you and your kids to be safe.
I don't think he will blast through the wall. I built it like a normal wall. It has paneling on his side but will likely get bead. Board panels or some interest g resin panels on my side. I will insulate for noise reduction.
In the past most violence has been the pressing against wall and screaming in my face type stuff. This time it was charging with threats and suicide talk.
Could be he was trying to get his way. He now knows it will land him in the psych ward, or jail. He got no attention for his 11+days as the others either walked in circles or talked to themselves.
The med changes seem effective, he was on these before but changed due to diabetes. His blood sugar is well controlled at this time and since he wont be able to graze food and drive out to get more all the time it should stay controlled. I informed the friends he is a diabetic and can only eat meals out not stop by shops for donuts and cake etc.
The upstairs is so quiet. I am able to notice that I need to spray lubricant on the downstairs bathroom exhaust fan.
I am just curious, what was the constant noise? Loud TV, I guess, anything else?
I've not experienced someone who was a sonic tornado before. Thankfully.
TV, shuffling his slippers, clunky shoes, scraping or rolling the chairs, restless leg syndrome and noise making in his sleep, tourettes like mouth noises, flapping lips, sniffing, snorting, loud eating noises, loud snoring, essential tremors so rattling dishes and utensils. It all adds up believe me.
If he was awake there was noise, if he was asleep there was noise. He is a bit hearing impaired and hearing aids made his anxiety higher so we all talk too loud on top of it all. At least now it's downstairs and muffled. The "little" stuff does not seem to be carrying upstairs.
That sounds incredibly wearing.
Does he feel like he doesn't exist if noone can hear him?
Auditory fatigue. Dang rough stuff to live with. Bet you find yourself just breathing a huge sigh of relief at the lack of noise throughout the day. My uBPDm was a TV on nonstop type. When I moved out it took me a few weeks to adjust to the quiet. I'd feel odd, like something was missing or I was forgetting something. Seinfeld got ruined in our house too, along with a bunch of others. I bet the hearing aids cranked up his anxiety because he could hear all the noise he was making! :stars:
Bead board is a really cheap way to dress up a wall, especially if you caulk the seams and put quarter round or some other trim bits on the raw edges and vertical corners. DH installed it a number of times for his clients. That and shiplap, but shiplap is way more expensive and time intensive. I bet it's going to look lovely once you've got it to your taste.
I feel you so much 1foot, I too had to see my now ex put in the psych unit several time in one summer (w/multiple suicide attempts and police calls). We were separated then as well, I had the children then for a time but was forced to give them back to her who gave them up to her dad. I was manipulated but her dad as well as her home state to let her keep the kids and take her back. But anyway I'm not trying to make this post all about me, you most def are one in a million, and from the bottom of my heart I'm deeply sorry for your suffering and yes even your H's because yes I truly believe he is suffering just as much. I wish there was some kind of "magic" button to press to fix it for all of us. Bless you and yours and may you both find peace.
1foot, your description says 'hero member' and I truly believe that you are a hero. Hero, to me, describes a person who takes care of everyone around them, while also not forgetting that they are the person who's well being has to be top priority. I am in awe of your strength, and intelligence, and I know that, though things may be tough, ( I wish they weren't) you can and will handle it. I mean, you built a wall! There's nothing you can't do. May peace and happiness follow soon.
Your BIG fan
LM
GT76,
Please add to the conversation. We are all here for each other. We gain strength and perspective reading others stories and challenges.
I am fortunate that my kids are college age. I do worry I may have exposed them to alot over the years and staying may have been damaging.
The other alternative would have been to chance a 50/50 custody situation. I am sore he would not have taken meds if living alone. A lot of the time in these past years has been at the annoyance/aggregation level that many here would settle for also, I am sure. We were fortunate that the PDH was willing to be medicated and much was tempered to livable by that.
He is too narcissistic to engage in therapy otherwise he could have been helped even more.
This last mess spiraled out of control over time. There were actual surgeries and the real recoveries from those mixed in so I may not have discerned what was real physical symptoms from the psychological part well enough to seek help from the psyche folks soon enough.
Not victim blaming here (myself and the kids) just learning from the experience.
I will be meeting with a social worker to come up with a plan for getting dynamic care for him anytime I feel things are headed in a bad direction.
My prayer has been that I will have clarity about when chancmges need to take place. It was super clear a change was needed, just not the one I initially thought.
I got out of bed earlier than usual today and it did not seem like a drudgery to do my morning chores. I did not delay being up and about because I wanted to avoid interaction.
I am working on consolidating trips into town to maximize them and keep as much time for my own use and projects as possible.
1Foot,
You are facing a very difficult situation and it sounds like you are doing so with strength and grace.
Well done!
Keep going.
I'm praying for you.