sister phone calls

[Jolie40]

so still calling a sister once/week
for the most part calls have been civil & ok

however, I find that she can be critical a lot towards me
for example, today she asked what I ate yesterday for lunch & I said "don't remember"
when I eat,  don't consider it important enough to remember
I asked husband & he didn't remember, either lol

so sister starts saying it's bad I don't remember & I must have memory problems, etc, etc

almost every week it's something that she has negative to say about me

how do I still talk on phone with her but ignore "the negative" or not let it get to me?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I'm sorry that happened, Jolie. Things are going OK, maybe you are even enjoying a pleasant exchange, then a seemingly bland question turns into something they decide to use against you.   
   
For what it is worth, I think your answer of "I don't remember" was good. It is vague and sort of a non-response. It seems even the most minor details sometimes need to be kept out of the conversation when interacting. I sort of wonder though that no matter what you replied with, it was sort of a set up. She was perhaps going to find something - anything - in that moment to stir up drama, project or feel she was one-up on you. I guess I am thinking it was not really your answer at all, but was instead how she was going to act no matter what.
 
Interactions can be triggering, even when VLC. I do not think it has anything to do with you at all. You are fine, and you did fine during that call. If it helps, maybe just know that you did not cause it, and it is not yours to fix. It is "their stuff". When you realize the conversation is starting to spiral, hold tight to your firm sense of enough-ness. Then maybe just politely end the call. No need to remain in the conversation further. Just say how you must answer the door now, have something burning on the stove, or something else urgent you must tend to and say bye. Then breathe and release it and know that you are OK.

[moglow]

Jolie - I used to turn mother's words back on her "you used to say, if you can't say anything nice maybe it's best to say nothing at all." It never ended well but it did make the point I wanted to make and that I'd heard enough. I found that I consistently had to flip the conversation to something positive, over and over again. There wasn't enough common ground to carry on decent conversation and I realized she just wasn't interested in participating. Our calls grew shorter, stretched further apart.

As Blueberry Pancakes said:

I sort of wonder though that no matter what you replied with, it was sort of a set up. She was perhaps going to find something - anything - in that moment to stir up drama, project or feel she was one-up on you. I guess I am thinking it was not really your answer at all, but was instead how she was going to act no matter what.

Yeah that. I often had the feeling that mother was somehow priming for a mad, or maybe just digging for something she could poke me with. Had you said "Oh wow, we had x and y and Bob made the most amazing z to go with it!!" I guarantee she'd have found fault with it.

I try to keep in mind that people who want to find fault, will. It's exhausting trying to tiptoe around it, but I did finally get that it's not my stuff and I don't let it become mine.

[bloomie]

for example, today she asked what I ate yesterday for lunch & I said "don't remember"
when I eat,  don't consider it important enough to remember
I asked husband & he didn't remember, either lol

so sister starts saying it's bad I don't remember & I must have memory problems, etc, etc

Food. You ate food! 

What about saying something like: "Yikes, I hope I am not losing my memory!" And start reciting the times tables making her listen to you. And then: "Nope! Seems intact!" once you get to the 12's!    

And then there is always the radio silence. No response. Then talking about something completely unrelated. My favorite because it really does make a point!

Maybe it would be helpful to practice not justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining in the face of criticism and deliberate misunderstandings of what you are saying or doing? I offer that thought, because when a family member is quick to find fault it can get us on our back foot in a defensive posture. It can start to get under our skin and can be a drain of our emotional energy.

So, what if you could develop a position toward these attempts to give you a little poke? Kind of a choose your battles way of viewing this. It sounds like your sister may have poor social skills and some emotional immaturity that you are willing to try and move through to stay in contact.

[Jolie40]

It can start to get under our skin and can be a drain of our emotional energy.
[/quote]

thanks everyone for replies!

you're right bloomie......I let the criticism get under my skin
I tell husband what she says & he always says "let it go" but that is hard to do especially since I feel that I don't deserve the criticism & I don't need the stress

you're right moglow, also .....not my stuff

also good blueberry pancakes.......having an excuse ready to get off phone

I'm going to switch to calling every other week instead of every week
this will give me a break from negativity

[bloomie]

I'm going to switch to calling every other week instead of every week
this will give me a break from negativity
[/quote]
How's it going Jolie40?