Ended it with UNPD bf

[2_exhausted]

Hi.

I ended something I should have ended 9 years ago. I feel angry, sad, anxious, used, stupid, etc.

UNPD bf cheated on me for three months. We are long distance, and I just thought I was giving him his "fun summer".  Things were not adding up in June, and then I just randomly guessed that he was cheating with old high school friend. I was right. My intuition usually does not fail me. ***I know my situation does not involve children nor property ***& it still hurts.

In true Narc fashion, as soon as I confronted him over the phone he lied. It took a lot of effort to receive the final story, which I do not believe. Poor guy was lonely, so after four long weeks of me refusing to see him(sarcasm) he starts his new relationship. Informs people he has broken up with me, but forgets to inform me. Of course he forgets the number of times he had to cancel seeing me for whatever frivolous reason, forgets how demanding his DS was, so much so the child slept with him until he was 12 , against years of the psychologist advising him to have child sleep in his own bed, forgets the months he had stuff to do.

As soon as the story is out he states he wants to continue with me, and is sorry. But UNPD bf is too depressed and anxious to see me, to reconcile with me, to go to the post office, to go to grocery store, etc.  It is all about him, of course it is. I honestly understand debilitating depression. I have experienced it a few times. So in the past few weeks I would receive random texts about his health, how a vital organ is beating too fast, and how he is unable to afford food or gasoline. Yet he had enough money to go and hang out at an expensive beach & club The gasoline was to make me feel bad for having him drive here. I guess my vehicle did not use gasoline to travel to him for nine years.

I know I should not be surprised. He has stated to me on several occasions that he despises females over 50 because they are scamming men (paraphrased). He has raged at me, and said F word in text and mostly verbal for years. In my opinion he was taking out his anger on me which he could not do to dead wife or child. Oh,and I owe him $3k .

Yesterday I thought about what my father, dead since I was 11, would have said to me if he were here..."2exhausted, this person is not good for you for so many reasons, and his actions are showing you he wants you to forget the cheating and accept the blame". So I felt some strength and ended it. My self esteem was plummeting and I had to do something.

Thanks for reading.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I am sorry you had to end your relationship but you took the first step in reclaiming your life.   Take pride in the strength you mustered to do that.    From what you describe he wasn't the kind of BF we non PDs deserve.    Stay strong.  A whole lot of "poor me" kind of manipulation might be heading your way.   The best gift I ever gave myself was to end all contact.  I blocked my BPDexbf on FB, email and my phone.   No contact puts up a wall that will help the healing process.  I also made sure everyone in my life knew it was over with him. 

Healing takes time but I want you to know there is a happy life in your future. 

[1footouttadefog]

Stay strong, you will make it even if it hurts more before it gets better.  It will get better though.

[2_exhausted]

Well,

Last weekend, while on the phone with him, I learned it was sexual. For 5 weeks, every day, I was hearing, "it is not like that, nothing happened, we only kissed". I asked for STD tests anyway.

Due to my childhood trauma with uBPD mom, I take break ups way too hard. I know it is for the best, but the rejection is killing me.

Thanks.

[clara]

Feeling like you've been made a fool of never gets easier, 2exhausted.  You like to think you're above it, then you fall for someone who seems like a good person only to discover who they really are after you get involved.  Often it seems PDs wait until the moment they "hook" you to reveal themselves.  They're on their best behavior until that moment, but being PDs they just can't help themselves so have to start with the bad behavior.  Even non-PDs do this, if they were raised in a toxic home where such behavior was accepted or encouraged.  The worst part is, they won't want to let you go until they decide they're done with you, so they start pulling tricks out of their bags to keep you around.  Some of them even get a kick out of drawing you back in only to reject you.  They're the ones who treated you horribly then will cry about how badly you treated them by ending the relationship!  You're not supposed to have that level of control.  But I agree that it's best to go complete and total NC.  Let them know it's really over and they're not going to worm their way back in.  It took me a few bad relationships to learn that no relationship is better than a bad one, and that no, I don't have to accept the abuse just because that's someone else's behavior pattern. 

And I understand how hard rejection can be if you grow up in a home where that seems to be the way life is.  My father decided I was a "worthless kid" when he saw I wasn't turning out to be the perfect daughter he wanted.  So, rather than accept me for who I was, he would remind me of how much I failed him.  No naturally, when I'd get involved with others I would work really hard to keep any rejection from happening.  It never occurred to me that I could do the rejecting!  I took rejection hard until I realized that the relationship was better off having ended, and the fact that it'd ended was more important than the manner in which it happened.  It still hurt, but probably not as much as the cumulative hurt involved in an ongoing, toxic relationship.