The long goodbye

[Amadahy]

Hello wonderful people,

I came here nearly five years ago, desperate for help, not really knowing I was a separate person from my Nmom and all the drama and chaos she embodied. I found compassion, wisdom and humor that carry me to this day. (I miss Woman Interrupted SO much!)

Many ups and downs later and I see my Nmom in a detached way, which is both life-saving and excruciatingly sad.  She is now in a long-term care facility and losing many of her faculties.  She is mostly content, and for that I am profoundly grateful.

Our last few window visits have taken on a new tone.  I believe, in some way, she is getting ready for her passing. At one visit, she expressed worry over my horoscope and asked if I thought she treated my sister better than she treated me. (Hellloooo! LOL).  I felt a twinge of compassion and reminded Nmom that sis and I have the same horoscope.  The moment passed, but for a tiny moment she was very concerned.

At another visit, she told me of a man harrassing her for "not taking care of you children." She went on to say she had done the best she could.  Fortunately, I didn't feel triggered or dysregulated and was able to assure her it was okay.

It seems the past is not a friend to her, even with dementia. It also feels like she is trying to process her own woundedness, with limited capabilities and, perhaps, time is ebbing.

I'm sad, but not devastated like I might have been without the help of this board and you special people. So, all to say thank you and I am at peace.

[Boat Babe]

To hear that you are at peace at this point in your life, and that of your mother's, is very good to hear.

I think that when we first come Out of the FOG we can't even imagine getting  to that place. I struggled for years, hoping that mum would somehow change and be the strong, wise woman I needed and for my attachment needs to be met. It's taken decades for me to realize that I am the strong, wise woman in the relationship and that my attachment needs will not be met by her.  This means I have zero expectations of her now and therefore am no longer emotionally reactive round her. (She's not as toxic as some parents here). The relief is palpable.

It's a long old road to travel, but we get there, eventually. Sending love Amahady.

[Sneezy]

She is mostly content, and for that I am profoundly grateful.

I'm sad, but not devastated like I might have been without the help of this board and you special people. So, all to say thank you and I am at peace.

I am happy for you - it is a blessing that your mother has found some degree of contentment (maybe for the first time in her life?).  And it's wonderful to hear that your are at peace.   

[ArmadilloKate]

Hugs for your sadness and for your strength, and compassion. For being able to reassure someone who has harmed that it is ok as yet one more act of extreme kindness to someone who caused pain.

Thanks for sharing this....its helpful for me to read...it sounds like you've gotten somewhere I am trying to get to.

[SunnyMeadow]

It's a tough journey amadahy! I appreciate you writing out your feelings, I think it's important for us to read.  It's good she seems content, at least it's easier to visit with a content Nmom.

[Zebrastriped]

I, too, was very detached by the time uBPDmom reached the end.  It was sad, as you say, but I was not devastated.  To me, it felt like medium chill was a dam between the anguish she was trying to flood over me and well, me.  It flowed around me, but not thru me.  I too really appreciated everyone's efforts to help me find that place.  I hope your journey continues in peace.

[alphaomega]

Hugs to you Ama

In my experience, by the time I was getting the ok to have an in person visit because hospice advised she was transitioning, I was already so burnt out from the half a century of her constantly dying, dying some more, no really dying this time, call the priest, etc, that I was DONE.  Just so so so very much DONE. 

I had given her the absolute best of me, to the extent I could hardly function, for my whole life.

There was simply nothing ZERO left for me to give HER.

But, there was a literal LIFETIME of me now having tp make up to MYSELF, for abandoning MYSELF in hopes that I could "save" her.

I forgave and forgot so many times, just because she had the title of "mother" I no longer even knew what truth was.
I had become a shell of what I could have been.

Even 2.5 months after finally being set truly free from her death, I am still learning what it means to be "free" and to be a fully functioning adult.

I wish you the utmost peace and knowledge that you were the best child a NPDM could have ever asked for.

Sleep tight knowing that THAT is YOUR truth.

XO AO

[Amadahy]

Update:  Still at peace, for the most part.  However, reminding myself of the hatefulness of the N as today when sis visited, Nmom condemned her to hell for her "lifestyle."  Happy Mother's Day, right?  Good grief.  I think sometimes this foolish holiday triggers the very worst in her because somewhere deep inside  she knows what woundedness she has passed on.  I got that familiar pit-of-the-stomach unease hearing about it, but I just turned off my phone after offering consolation to sis (who really hasn't accepted the reality of Nmom's pd-ness and over-shares, fantasizes, etc about a "wonderful" mom).  I grieved the loss of a mother two years ago on Mother's Day weekend, when I booked a treehouse retreat and cried all that weekend.

I hope each of you has found some peace and rest today.  We sure as heck deserve it!  xoxo