N "friends'" responses to my grief over a true friend's sudden death

[countrygirl]

Hello,

A good friend of mine passed away suddenly over the weekend.  I was the one who realized something was wrong, and had a family member check.  I received a text at eleven-thirty at night that my friend had passed away, probably the night before, in her sleep.  We were really close, sharing both dramatic and everyday concerns.  We supported each other, and she was a feisty, witty and outspoken person.  The world seems somewhat lacking in color with her not in it.  And I am at that stage of grieving where the death seems unreal one moment and overwhelming the next. 

I have people who have been very supportive and comforting, but I was shocked by the response of two N friends.  WHY I was shocked, I don't really know, except that I have a bad habit of expecting Ns to behave normally, at least at some points, death being one of them.

Last night, the younger of the friends, a painter who lives across the country, emailed me to say that she would be visiting her family in my neck of the woods over the holidays.  I replied to what she'd written, then, in a second email, I told her that a good friend had just passed and that I was grieving her.  Well, the painter replied, saying that she didn't have time, that she was going to her boyfriend's for dinner.  Well, if she had time to tell me this, why didn't she have time to write one sentence:   "So sorry for your loss."  I have been so supportive of her over the years, in every aspect of her life. 

Then, the other N friend, said negative things about my deceased friend, which she has said before, both about my friend, and about her daughter, who died from cancer at a young age and who was also my friend.  I really defended the daughter against her attacks, and now I am defending the mother.  Finally, I asked her "to please try to understand that I am grieving my friend, and don't want to hear negative comments about her."

God knows I certainly have my faults, but I could not IMAGINE responding--or in the case of the painter, not responding--as these two have.  I should not have them in my life.  I certainly don't consider them close friends, specifically because they are so negative and competitive, but I am stunned by their responses.  In contrast, my friend who died was a responsive and caring person.  I really miss her.

[bloomie]

countrygirl -  I am so sorry for the loss of what sounds like a beautiful person whom you loved. It is hard to lose a dear friend. I really like how you stopped someone from maligning her and her child. That was strong and what loving friends do. Very empowered and direct.

I hope your memories of a friend who was responsive and caring will be of good comfort to you in the coming days. And, yes.. the contrast between the two types of 'friends' has to be revealing. Hugs to you as you journey through this loss.

[countrygirl]

Hello Bloomie,

Thank you so much for your kind words.   

People are so amazing aren't they?  Capable of such warmth and beauty, as well as of such frost and ugliness.  Best to stick with those who exhibit the former! 

[Iamenoughmary]

I am so sorry you lost your dear friend who sounds like such a great person. 

How horribly the N"s behaved.  I am so sorry you had to go through that.  You were strong and did a wonderful thing in defending her. Its unbelievable how people can behave

My thoughts are with you countrygirl

[countrygirl]

Hi neverenoughmary,

Thank you so much for your response, your support.

I have decided that I am going to say something to the young painter, when I hear from her, as I'm sure I will.  She always has some problem which she wants to tell me about.  I am going to say that I have given her support in every aspect of her life for years, and that her lack of caring about my friend's death was shocking.  I already knew this woman was an N, but she outdid herself this time.

When my father died, a longterm N friend didn't do so much as send a card.  I called her on this, reminding her of how I'd been there for her when her father died, and how much I'd discussed his death afterwards.  Her reply?  "I didn't know what to say."  How about a simple, "Sorry for your loss."   Here, I should add that much of what we discussed in regard to her father's death was why she never "grieved" him.  She expected to, but as she herself noted, never did.  It was chilling:  She knew that she was supposed to feel grief, and it puzzled her that she did not.   A few years later, and in no small part due to what I learned on this board, I discontinued my friendship with her.  Although I wish her well, I do not regret ending that friendship. 

So often it seems that the only conclusion with an N relationship is to end it.  Ns think they are perfect, so if you try to discuss issues--as I did with the above friend--they never believe you.  And since they think they are perfect, they are notoriously difficult to treat in therapy, if they ever get therapy.   The friend I just mentioned was forced to get therapy by her brother (long story), but she told me that she had nothing to discuss about herself in therapy, so she told the therapist about other people...  And she left therapy completely unchanged. 

[moglow]

Countrygirl, I'm sorry for your loss, know all too well what you mean by unreal straight into overwhelming grief, having recently lost a lifetime friend as well. I keep wanting ask a question or share things with her then realize all over again she's gone. I'm sure you'll experience some of the same.

That's just sad that she can't simply offer condolences or offer to talk about your friendship, something, you know? Much as we'd like, we're never going to change other people. It sounds like you could talk until you're blue, but understand that when the next issue comes up - and it will - she's still going to be who she is. I'm not sure some people even have a clue and don't seem interested in buying one, if that makes sense. What we see and know as "normal and acceptable" doesn't seem to be anywhere in their mindset, but you can bet your butt if the situation were reversed you'd get an earful.
My mother has a string of "shoulds" when it comes to her expectations but she's completely incapable [or unwilling?] to do anything similar for others. She's caught up in her bubble and that's all she sees. You're expected to sit and hold her hand and listen her off the ledge through countless recitations of her problems and ills and resentments, but voice one thought redirect to your own and she shuts down. She acts like she doesn't hear it, may not even acknowledge it at all. Many times she talked right over me about her stuff "because she might forget to tell me" when I was in the middle of genuinely trying to talk with her. I finally just stopped. I don't reach for her in any time of need or wishes to share my life, and certainly wouldn't consider her a friend to anyone.

Acceptance will be your friend, whether she's NPD or not.

[countrygirl]

Thank you for your reply, moglow.

Yes, just today I was thinking of something I would have liked to tell my friend.  We really shared each other lives, and it now feels as if part of my life is missing, which it is. 

Unfortunately, your mother sounds a lot like mine.  I finally realized there was no point in trying with her.  I had spent most of my life acting as if I assumed she would change, even though she never had.  I kept expecting her to react normally, but she wasn't a normal person.  I mean "normal" in the sense of understanding that there should be some equality in a relationship, some give and take, not all take.  And note that I still have these N friends, who are all about taking.  At least I don't consider them close friends, not at all.   But I still need to accept that they aren't going to change either. 

You are right, of course, if the shoe were on the other foot, they would have fits if I treated them as they treat me.   It is tempting to do just that, but I hate playing games.  Better just to withdraw from them.   

I am sure I'll miss my friend for the rest of my life.   

[moglow]

That's kinda where I was going - be who YOU are. You're the one you have to look at in the mirror every day. What they do is up to them.
I've had to adjust my thinking, probably should have a long time ago and just didn't realize. The Golden Rule is my friend and I don't make assumptions about what others think or might do. I do my best, and carry on. Hopefully I'll remember more as time goes on and not put myself in a vulnerable position.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction" as an old friend used as his tagline.

[countrygirl]

Hi moglow,

My father had a framed print of "The Golden Rule." 

My expectations for N friends are pretty low.  I don't discuss my day-to-day problems with them, even though one of them shares a lifelong avocation with me.   I just listen to their issues.  But I did think that they would be capable of saying, "Sorry for your loss."  I guess I can have no expectations of them at all.  Maybe once that finally sinks in, I will stop talking to them! 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

countrygirl, I am truly sorry for your loss of a dear friend. 

I have a close N friend, and there have been a few times when something happened to me that I thought, Okay, she'll get it now and provide me some comfort.  Nope.  She just can't because she's unable to.  I've accepted it because there are other aspects of our friendship that I enjoy.  However, there may be a time when I'll be done with it.  We'll see.  I'm expanding my friendships so tough times, I don't rely on her at all.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you find some comfort.

[countrygirl]

Hi PlantFlowersNotWeeds,

I like your user name!   

Thank you so much for your condolences.  My friend had such a vibrant and outspoken personality that her death seems unreal at moments.  But, mainly, it is all too real.  The other night, I phoned another friend, but mistakenly dialed my deceased friend.  On those occasions when I called her by mistake (both of these friends have the same phone prefix), she would always call back--even if I'd just let the phone ring once before realizing my mistake--just to make sure that I was alright.  It was horrible to think of the phone ringing in her empty house.   

In contrast, there are my N friends.  Yes, you get it:  Sometimes you just think that surely the Ns will understand and will respond normally.  But that just doesn't happen.  Moglow is correct about letting go of expectations.  I do enjoy some things about these friends, so I have tried to hang in there.  Now I'm going to try not having any expectations.  I'm glad to have a plan.  I suspect that one day I will have had enough, as you suspect you will with your friend.  (Once I basically asked for one of them to behave normally, even describing what that response would be...  She still couldn't give of herself that much!)

[Amy-Rose]

Hello again country girl.

First I am so sorry for your loss of a wonderful person and friend. I wish there was something I could do or say that would ease people's pain but there just isn't. I'm glad to hear you do have some support.

This situation was so similar to mine. I lost a close friend suddenly from suicide in the same way 18 months ago, and at the same time of night even. I was also the one who noticed something was wrong and went to check, only to find her dead on the bed from an overdose. It was truly heart breaking. She was my best friend, I knew what she was like and I should have seen it coming.

My narc-like friend had known her 15 years but only seemed to have time for her when she wanted something. Naturally she noticed nothing. Shit was going down and she didn't shed a tear. She even saw me go running over to her home, climb in through an open window, then come out crying for help and passed out on the front lawn (great help I was). She did nothing, just watched.
The next thing I was truly aware of was paramedics and someone putting something that smelt weird around my nose. I cried hysterically. This woman just watched. After, it was like nothing had happened. She went into my friends flat, took what she wanted and never went back again to help.

Total lack of empathy for others. Too much for themselves. They trigger so much hurt and anger nearly every time you associate with them and it doesn't have to be anything big. Just those little slights and dismisses and really burn. They truly care for no one but themselves and everyone is up for criticise, accept them and their losses.

Truly sorry for you and sending you hugs.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,

Good to hear from you, and thank you so much for your condolences.

The behavior of your narc-friend was monstrous.  Frankly, her behavior reminds me of the behavior of this friend's family.  I can't even go into it, but it was also N.  My friend knew how they would behave, and she was right.  She had already seen how they behaved when her daughter died.  They were out for what they could get, just like your narc-friend. They didn't even post an obituary.   

The only thing that heals is time.  Her death is starting to seem more real to me.  I mean, I knew it was real immediately, but I would still have periods of it seeming unreal, if you know what I mean.  Now I find myself thinking of things to tell her, and then realizing she is not there.   

On a happier note, how is the little hog doing? 

Thank you again for your response.  So sorry you went through that horrible scene at your friend's death. 

 

[Amy-Rose]

I know exactly what you mean when you say it feels some what surreal. The fact it's real and happening hits immediately but there's this level of disbelief. Sorry to hear about the loss of your friends daughter, what a horrific thing for a mother to go through, she obviously knew what her family could be like, as you said, but that doesn't soften the blow when they act that way. It can be devastating. It's surprising how many of us have been through the same things in life - not just with narc-friends.

The little hog has finally gone into hibernation. We got him to a good weight and that induced hibernation and he's sleeping like a baby. I put him in his heated tank in my spare cupboard and it's important that they aren't disturbed. He'll sleep the winter away. Then when he wakes up, it'll be three weeks of heavy feeding him and then he'll be released in April. Thanks for remembering and asking about him. He was a lucky boy, thought he wouldn't make it. Before he went to sleep he made a new friend as I'm fostering a baby magpie and they would fight over the cat food. They were like a naughty little duo.

I really hope you starting feeling better soon and manage to enjoy christmas the best you can x

[countrygirl]

Hey Amy-Rose,

It is enormously validating to share with others who know what you're talking about.  Yes, surreal is the precise word for what a sudden death feels like, or really, any death of someone you love. 

So glad to hear that the little hog made it to hibernation.   I sort of wish I could hibernate through the winter!   Doesn't sound like a bad idea at all.   And that's a cute image of him battling for food with the young magpie.     

My friend and her daughter took in so many rescue animals over the years, including rescue horses.   I am looking at rescue horse organizations in the area in
order to make a small donation in her name.  She had intended to make a more substantial donation, but didn't get around to doing so.

Best wishes for happy holidays, which you have certainly earned by giving a home to God's helpless small creatures.  You have already been blessed:  a hedgehog hibernating in your spare cupboard!   Our creatures and our friends really keep us going.  We both did what we could to save our friends.