The Other Side

[gcj07a]

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I've been on here. I have been doing (since mid August) some heavy work with my T processing the emotional and verbal trauma I suffered as a child at the hands of uBPDm. I've spent time talking with my siblings. Neither of them feel the same as I do (in the sense that they don't feel traumatized), but both agree that I was mom's favorite/target. In a lot of ways, they attribute their "escape" from her emotional web to my being such an easy target for m. On top of all of that, nonF filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago (good move, IMO). I've been de facto NC with m since early August and intentionally NC with m (communicated to her) since Labor Day. I have stated since I went in NC that my goal was to return to regular communication with her, but I am starting to doubt that impulse. I may have really wanted that at first, but I've REALLY enjoyed not interacting with her in any way. I suspect that a lot of my emphasis on reestablishing contact is so FOO doesn't see me with disdain. I am also a devout Christian and take the command to honor my father and mother very seriously. And I also firmly believe that we are often called to do difficult or painful things for the sake of others or a greater good. I am also worried about what my kids (currently 4, 3, and 1) will say when they are older, as well as how my wife will react (she's very supportive, but I don't think permanent NC is something she really comprehends). And, relatedly, I have no idea even HOW to reestablish contact after being NC. How does that work anyway? Because I know the first "question" will be a demand to know why I was such a jerk for a few months. Anyhow, any thoughts? Anyone been down this road?

[Penny Lane]

Hi there!

So, are you thinking you definitely want to reestablish contact or you're just considering it?

It sounds like your life is better without her in it, and you're getting a chance to heal. I hope you really give yourself that chance and work on yourself a lot before you even consider inviting her back into your life.

If you do move to reestablish contact, I hope your goal would be to set a new equilibrium with new boundary. A boundary could be, if you're going to badger me about why I went NC, I'm going to hang up the phone. Or, as soon as you start being rude I will exit the conversation. She will not like this and it will be a lot of work! But if you can enforce those boundaries you will ultimately have a better, albeit probably never close, relationship.

Since you first posted has your thinking evolved on this?

[gcj07a]

Penny, thanks for replying!

Since posting, I've had another therapy session and have spoken at length with nonF. I am still considering the possibility of reestablishing contact at some point in the future, but I am in no rush. I had been doubting some of my memories (surely, my inner critic argues, surely it wasn't as bad as you remember), but after talking it through with nonF (he confirmed some of my memories and reminded me of a few I had forgotten), I am more than ever reminded of the tremendous harm I suffered at her hands. And of the potential she has to harm my kids. I don't intend on giving her a time frame, but I think I'm going to let myself have a holiday season without her. I'll think about it again after the first of the year. If something *has* to be communicated, my DW will be happy to do so.

[AD]

You said " I am also a devout Christian and take the command to honor my father and mother very seriously. And I also firmly believe that we are often called to do difficult or painful things for the sake of others or a greater good."

I think that its fair to separate from the above when abuse is involved. Surely there must be some line at which its acceptable to do so. Since we often have less empathy for ourselves, perhaps consider how you would react if your parent had treated one of your children the same way?

[Penny Lane]

I'm so glad to hear it. All of that sounds very wise. I think it's especially smart to protect your kids.