What do I do, family not helping leaving it all on me

[lkdrymom]

Before I went NC with my BPDm she wanted me to take her to her various Dr appointments. She LOVES going to the doctor and has a minimum of two appointments per week with some medical professional. They fawn all over her (she does a 'sweet little old lady' bit really well), pat her and compliment her on what a good patient she is. I work full time and cannot leave my job for hours at a time to cart her from doctor's office to doctor's office. She would manufacture emergencies to force me to rush to her side, cart her around to have this or that checked, fetch things for her, wait with her, etc.  If I dared noncompliance she'd be furious and let me know what a terrible daughter I am after all she'd sacrificed and been through..blah..blah..blah. At some point I flatly refused to take her. She didn't believe me and missed an appointment.  From that day on she figured out there are PAID services that will take patients to their medical visits.  Of course, I was lectured about reliability and duty and reminded of my obligations but I never had to leave work to take her to the damn doctor again!

I was taking my father to all his appointments and I had a full time job. At first he was respectful of my time but eventually it became all about him.  The third time he insisted i take him to the same doctor TWICE in one day....meaning leaving work twice, I put my foot down.  He still thought it was my job to make 'arrangements' for him.  My idea of arrangements was to give him the number of a cab company.  He didn't like that.  Said he'd help me out and make his appointments after I got off of work.  I said no.  By that time I was done with sitting endlessly in a waiting room so he could socialize with a doctor.  My compromise was to have him take a cab to an appointment that would end just as I got out of work and I would pick him up and bring him home.  He wasn't too crazy about that idea.  But that was all he was getting.

[_apparentlywicked]

Eurgh. So many elderly pds use their health to extract as much supply as they can from everyone. It's like they know their opportunities of someone reflecting back their hilarious false image are running out so they go full metal jacket with their illnesses.

I could kick myself for how much time I've spent driving him about when he didn't need it and could get the bus. And it's so obvious to me now that he only wanted me with him so he could pretend he wasn't the piece of s##t deadbeat dad that he is and always was.

Another one thinking you need to be unavailable now. Time with her is harming you! And she won't get anymore out of it whether it's you taking her to the drs or Fred West. Leave her to her self generated circus.

❤️❤️

[p123]

Oh Dad is a class act with the hospital appt thing....

I'm an IT contractor. No work no pay so I aint taking time off for Dads appts. Yeh he offers to "pay me any money I lose up to £50". Yeh right Dad - umm keep going.

In the past, I worked pretty much 90 mins away from home. Then it was another 30 mins drive to hospital. Dad, a few times, got hospital to call me to "pick him up". NO!!!!

So appointments:-

BUS - "I'm too ill to get the bus"
PATIENT TRANSPORT (I sorted it) - "It takes too long, Gets me there 30 mins before my appointment and I dont like waiting around"
TAXI - "Not wasting money on a taxi" (it would have been £10 or less).

So he then really thought the SENSIBLE option was for me to take 1/2 day off to take him. To save himself £20 I had to lose £100 or more and waste hald a day......

[_apparentlywicked]

123 he says he's too ill to get the bus? Is this the same man who manages fine walking to the bookies?

[p123]

123 he says he's too ill to get the bus? Is this the same man who manages fine walking to the bookies?

Yep. He walks or take his mobility scooter..
The patient transport is fine. Picks him up outside the house, drops him at hospital. Of course they pick a few people up so it takes a bit longer.

I know its all excuses. End of the day all he wants is for me to take him. The fact that hes got me to do it (and knows hes put me out massively) seems to give him a bit of a warm glow. I'm sure he gets home and thinks "Ah its ok, he'll take me whenever I ask".

Thing is, something I've always said, we'd all do what we can for our parents. But its got to be within reason, on the understanding they help themselves first, don't take advantage, and realise we've got our own families as well. Dad fails on all of this.

But Dad is never happy unless you "pass the test" constantly that you are there for him. Its a bit like being married and the Mrs insisting you do a lie detector test every Friday night to prove you'r not unfaithful.....

[_apparentlywicked]

What would happen if you fail a test? Is there a punishment? How does it make you feel to be tested all the time. What does it make you feel about yourself? Could you refuse to be tested?

[lkdrymom]

123 he says he's too ill to get the bus? Is this the same man who manages fine walking to the bookies?

Yep. He walks or take his mobility scooter..
The patient transport is fine. Picks him up outside the house, drops him at hospital. Of course they pick a few people up so it takes a bit longer.

I know its all excuses. End of the day all he wants is for me to take him. The fact that hes got me to do it (and knows hes put me out massively) seems to give him a bit of a warm glow. I'm sure he gets home and thinks "Ah its ok, he'll take me whenever I ask".

Thing is, something I've always said, we'd all do what we can for our parents. But its got to be within reason, on the understanding they help themselves first, don't take advantage, and realise we've got our own families as well. Dad fails on all of this.

But Dad is never happy unless you "pass the test" constantly that you are there for him. Its a bit like being married and the Mrs insisting you do a lie detector test every Friday night to prove you'r not unfaithful.....

Even if you pass his test TODAY....there is going to be another one TOMORROW.  You will never actually reach the finish line.

[p123]

123 he says he's too ill to get the bus? Is this the same man who manages fine walking to the bookies?

Yep. He walks or take his mobility scooter..
The patient transport is fine. Picks him up outside the house, drops him at hospital. Of course they pick a few people up so it takes a bit longer.

I know its all excuses. End of the day all he wants is for me to take him. The fact that hes got me to do it (and knows hes put me out massively) seems to give him a bit of a warm glow. I'm sure he gets home and thinks "Ah its ok, he'll take me whenever I ask".

Thing is, something I've always said, we'd all do what we can for our parents. But its got to be within reason, on the understanding they help themselves first, don't take advantage, and realise we've got our own families as well. Dad fails on all of this.

But Dad is never happy unless you "pass the test" constantly that you are there for him. Its a bit like being married and the Mrs insisting you do a lie detector test every Friday night to prove you'r not unfaithful.....

Even if you pass his test TODAY....there is going to be another one TOMORROW.  You will never actually reach the finish line.

Yeh <<sigh>> I know. I could spend 50 years doing what I can for him and he'll still want to make sure I'm at his beck and call.

OP - how are you gettig on?