How do deal with smear campaign?

[Sidney37]

I have been doing a lot of reading about PDs, boundaries and how to cope.  The one thing that hasn't been clear to me is how to deal with the smear campaign.  I am pretty much NC at this point.  I've blocked uNPDm on phone, email and social media after what I consider an unforgivable thing that she said to me.  I haven't blocked enD but have the calls/emails forwarded to DH who can decide if they need attention.  enD is very upset and depressed that I won't just go back to the way things were with uNPDm who is totally controlling, mean, waify and will accept no very basic boundaries.  I won't go back to that.  What I do know from the social media posts prior to the NC and some uninformed and unintentional flying monkeys is that I am being accused of saying and doing things that I didn't and wouldn't.  I'm guessing that I am being accused of much more than I am hearing.  I know I was being smeared with all sorts of lies by uNPDm several years ago when I was getting the silent treatment from her then.  Of course there is never any talk of the hateful. abusive things that she is saying to me. 

So some articles and books have said to totally ignore, drop the rope, do not respond, etc. to the smear campaign at all.  Act as if you know nothing about it.  Other articles I have read have said that you should defend yourself and right the wrongs.  How do I respond to a smear campaign?  Do I respond to enD or relatives posting passive aggressive memes about daughters and how they treat their parents?  I'm the only daughter, so it's clear that it is directed at me.  DH thinks I should totally call her out on the hateful things she has said to me.  Relatives and family friends who I know and like are responding with heart emojis to the mean memes as if they feel sorry for my parents based on lies about me.  I know my uPDm is saying that I have said some very hateful things to her.  She told me directly that I said them (I didn't) and tried to get enD to agree with her.  She told me directly that she is telling people that I have said these mean things to her.  If I respond, she might make up bigger and more awful lies and post them so our mutual friends and family will see. 

Do I respond to anything?  Do I say nothing?  Do I do anything at all to defend the person that I am?  It's very upsetting to know that she is telling friends and relatives in my home town (where I no longer live) that I have said these hateful things to and about her that I never said. 

[moglow]

Here's my position on smear campaigns - if it's not said to me it doesn't exist. If it's said to me about you, it doesn't exist - I don't do that kind of gossip anymore. I wasn't there. I can't speak to what you or she said at any point in time and have no right involving myself in it. Her telling me godawful things you supposedly said, when I've never seen that side of you? I'm going to seriously doubt it. I'm going to wonder why the hell she'd tell me those things - and what she's saying about me behind my back. I might not say it to her but I'm going to try and stay out, deflect and change the subject. But that's just me.

Would I go out and try to defend myself to all and sundry, post it on social media for all to see? Nope. What I try to keep in mind is, everyone's relationship is different. Even the relationships within a family are different. I just don't play divide and conquer - that's mother's bailiwick. Whether or not it works is all between her and them. If I get a hint that someone is participating, carrying tales back and forth, I start with limiting any mention of her or my personal business. If they pry, I question *their* role in all of it and just may cut them off as well.

My focus is don't take it personally. If it's not mine, I don't have to own it. I don't even have to borrow it or try it on.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I suppose you have to do what feels right to you and ultimately gives you peace of mind. Sometimes we only find out what that is through trial and error.  I know it is hard, and I am sorry this is happening.  My personal approach to smear campaigns is to not engage in any of it, whether it be to defend myself or to counter-attack. Engaging in it only seems to fuel the flames and keep me ruminating over bad thoughts and feelings that I choose not to take on. 
For some of us, I suppose in the past we already have defended ourselves against smaller smear campaigns and it only kept us going in circles and feeling exhausted. There may have been momentary relief until the next triggering event. You cannot control what others think and what they do. If they want to stay on the merry go round, let them. You can chose to remain calm and reassured of your own goodness and detached from anything that takes you off your good path.   

[WomanInterrupted]

I'd block anybody on FB who is responding positively to her crap, or starting their own crap, or is posting passive-aggressive memes about how daughters treat their mothers - both relatives and mutual friends alike. 

For now consider them FMMs and off-limits to you - as more time goes by, some of them may open their eyes and say, "You know...she's doing an awful lot of griping, but hasn't *done* anything to rectify the situation.  Even if my daughter said half the things she claims Sidney said, I'd want to get to the bottom of it, even if I meant I had to eat a little crow to repair the relationship."

Those are the *smart* people.  They'll figure it out, eventually - you just have to wait it out.

Anybody who calls  and tries to insert themselves, politely say, "This is between me and my mom and I'd really appreciate if you left it alone.  Thank you for your concern." - and block their number.   

If people bring it up in person, you can say the same thing, and smile in a "you know, aw shucks" kind of way, then change the subject.  If they persist, shrug and say, "I really don't know what to tell you, and I'd rather not discuss it." - then change the subject. 

If anybody tells you what she said, in person, or on the phone, I'd say, "Wow...that's news to me.   I don't know where she gets these ideas.  Anyway, it's between me and her, and I'm sorry you've gotten involved.  There really is no need for it, but thanks for your concern" - and change the subject. 

Taking the high road is *hard* - but necessary.  You're not the one doing all the kvetching and moaning, and publicly airing your dirty laundry.  You're not making claims OR defending yourself - if you defend yourself, sometimes people take that to mean you're *guilty* - even if you aren't, and didn't do or say any of the things you've been accused of.

If you take the high road, *smart* people will start to question what they're reading or being told.  You're not *acting* like you did anything wrong.  You're not  slamming your mom.  You're not saying negative things, or  being defensive - you were polite, and asked them to butt out, and didn't  want  to discuss it  so *what is real and what is fabrication*? 

Eventually, smart people will start  questioning your mom's version of events, because *she won't be able to shut up about them, ever, and will probably still be griping about the same stuff, this time, next year.* 

And the year after that.   And the year after THAT!    She may never stop griping about the same stuff, as long as she's not getting what she wants, which is you being back under her thumb   - and the social pressure isn't working the way she thought it might. 

Some may ghost her, or question her then go dark when she lashes out at them.  Others may seek you out and apologize - but that takes *time.*

How much time?  As much as it takes, and not a second less. 

You just have to hunker down, ride it out for the long haul and realize you may never be able to repair some of these relationships, because they're just *hanging* on your mom's ever post or word.

Those are people you're better off  leaving behind.  They'll probably never wake up  from your mom's thrall, until she turns on them, too.

Her circle is probably going to get smaller and smaller, as time goes on, because she won't be able to keep up the poor wounded baby bird schtick, and is bound to start lashing out, left and right.  It's not her nature to be *civil* and that's going  to start to ooze over into her other relationships.

Believe it or not, the longer this goes on, the more comfortable you're going to become with it, because you know  you did nothing wrong. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I have not done this myself, but I thought about it and suggested it to DH at the beginning of our "devolution" with his parents. He wouldn't address things so directly and in the end nothing was done and his family have all disappeared. Anyway, something like:

Dear likely FMMs aka extended family members,

This is a tough issue to address. For a long time, we have had a very difficult relationship with X. We have decided we are no longer willing to make a futile effort and have decided to take a time out from interacting with them. In the interest of everyone's integrity, we will not be disclosing our reasons but suffice it to say that they are serious and long-considered.

We're letting you know that much, so you are not accidentally caught in the middle of something that is not your problem. And also so that it's very clear that we are not open to anyone acting as a go-between, no matter how well intentioned. We value our relationship with you, and wish to avoid drama and gossip as much as possible.

Sincerely etc.

My thought was that being direct and yet giving away no gossip would make any attempt at smearing on their part simply make them look bad. Maybe. And really as a courtesy to those family members. I for one would sure like an easy excuse to avoid being recruited as flying monkey in their position! It wouldn't work anyway and they don't want it! It's kind of a get out of drama free card. And there's nothing in that letter that would come back to bite me should it get back to the PDs, since I said nothing bad about them.

Basically I don't think it could do any harm, and just might do some good. But I didn't do it so this is untested.

[Cat of the Canals]

If anybody tells you what she said, in person, or on the phone, I'd say, "Wow...that's news to me.   I don't know where she gets these ideas.  Anyway, it's between me and her, and I'm sorry you've gotten involved.  There really is no need for it, but thanks for your concern" - and change the subject. 

Every time I see the "This is all news to me/"I don't know where she got that idea" suggestion, I chuckle to myself. It's so simple! And I think it makes it very clear (though in a subtle way) that the drama is being manufactured by ONE PERSON: your mother.

I personally wouldn't say anything to anyone unless it was brought specifically to me, and my response in that case would be some combination of what WI posted. I don't think that jumping in on vague FB posts about "terrible daughters" is going to help the situation at all. It will only add fuel to the fire. There's no need to defend yourself because you haven't done anything wrong, and anyone judging you or adding their opinion to the mix should really be minding their own dang business.

[Deb2]

Just chiming in here with IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE! Anything you could say to defend yourself, they will decide that they were right. You did those things. 

[Xena]

Sidney37, you pose a question that I have thought about a lot because I want to defend myself & I want justice, too. I've been on the receiving end of the Home Town Smear Campaign^TM (in fact, I probably am at this very moment based on a message I got today ). The engulfing narcissist who happens to be my mom gets A LOT of attention & sympathy by conducting the HTSC^TM against me. That's why she does it - for the narcissistic supply & for the power play (mainly for her addiction to the narc supply, though - I recently woke up to this & everything makes sense now ). She lays it on thick & misrepresents me to other people - I overheard her do it when I was home for a family event a few years ago, so I can only imagine how bad it is when I'm not there. I know that she started contacting my friends, visiting them & trying to turn them against me. Other acquaintances started acting really weird when I went home to visit, so I guess they bought into what she has said about me. (I don't go home anymore - it's no fun at all. Distance is my friend.) A few months ago, I set very specific boundaries with her which she of course steam rolled right over - I'm not surprised. The whole boundaries process was a nasty furball with her, but I actually did it for me - to finally stand up for myself in a very clear, very direct way. I took a long break from social media to get away from the negativity. I blocked the main perps & I got the space I needed to reflect & heal. So, when a message from Crazytown arrived today, I took a deep breath, gave it the eyeroll it deserved & didn't respond. Getting to this point took me quite some time, but I gladly stayed out of it & didn't engage (that includes me not obsessing over it like I used to). I wish I had real, genuine friendships & family relationships back there, but I now understand what is actually there is a tangled web of dysfunction. As I see it, my job at this point is to protect myself & my FOC from that dysfunction & to just keep working on & taking care of me.

[overitall]

It's super difficult, but ignore it...for me, it's been over 8 years....eventually they tire out because they aren't getting any response from YOU..that's what she wants...it drives my uBPDm crazy that she can't "get to me".   I'm really sorry you have to go through this....

[Penny Lane]

I suggest you take a step back and look at this with a kind of strategic eye.

Ignore your (rightful!) frustration and anger that she's lying about you.

My question would be: are these lies affecting you and if so is it even possible to mitigate them?

When my husband was trying to counteract his PDexw's lies with other parents at the school I suggested he see it as a kind of PR campaign. You don't know exactly what she is saying or to whom. But you can guess the general nature of the complaints - that he is absent, that he is abusive, that he is unreasonable and hard to work with. So, I said he should make sure he is always the opposite of all those things. Relentlessly positive and friendly (hard for an introvert!) Volunteers at the school and with sports teams. Initiates playdates. Doesn't lose his cool even when other parents are upset. The outcome has been great! He is friends with many other parents at the school. His ex is not. In fact some of the other parents seem to actively avoid her - we don't know why but my guess is they got a chance to see some pretty unpleasant PD behaviors at some point.

If he ever directly catches her in a lie, which is pretty rare, he corrects it as quickly an painlessly as possible. Like if he is forwarded an email from her where she says "I am just waiting to hear back from (DH)" and he responded to her days earlier, he replies all and says "Actually as I said on XX date, that works for me, thanks!" Again, relentlessly positive and helpful no matter how frustrating it is. We got a lot of this from a book called "It's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything." there's a whole section on misinformation that basically says to correct it as quickly as possible to the people who received the misinformation in the format they received it.

Can you extrapolate some of that to your situation?

What, if anything is the consequence of these lies? Like, do you suspect that formerly beloved family members are turning against you? Or is it more like, it hurts to see these people "liking" the facebook status, but your relationship is unchanged?

If it's the facebook issue, like someone else said - block it, don't look at it, put it out of your head. It's not even clear that the people liking the status even know what she's talking about, right? This is her way to make you think she's triangulating them out of her life.

If there are people that you would like to remain in contact with that you think she is lying to, a good first step would be to reach out to them and stay in touch, no mention of M. Send Christmas cards, call on their birthday, invite them for lunch or to go to a museum with you. Build your own relationship with these people and don't let your mother triangulate you. I think you will find a lot of them will welcome it. Some might be too manipulated by her and try to become flying monkeys. That is their loss, you don't need that kind of person in your life anyway. Sometimes a big trauma can teach us who we can really rely on.

Finally, if it were me the only time I would address the lies is if someone directly repeated it to me. In that case I do think you want to correct it, otherwise they will assume it's true! I suggest writing yourself little scripts for if/when that happens, something like:
"That's not how it happened at all. M and I have long had a very tough relationship and I'm trying to handle it the best I can."
"Actually, I never said that. I cut off contact with M after she said X - which was the last in a long string of abusive things she's said to me."
"That's totally inaccurate but let's not waste our time talking about M."

And then you can expand on it if you like or - my preference - change the subject. Don't spend more of your precious time with loved ones dwelling on your M. If they keep pushing you can get more clear "let's talk about something else, this is a really hard topic for me." Eventually you might need to end the visit or phone call. Again, I know it's hard but it's also their loss.

Above all else, I really hope you can find a way to not dwell on what she might be saying. She wants to live rent-free in your head. The best thing you can do is to evict her and focus on the good stuff you have going on.

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

This has been a difficult thing for me to figure out. I spent so much of my life getting blamed and accused of stuff by them that I always felt the need to explain myself and was overly defensive. If the accusations are truly a problem (like get arrested or lose your job level of problem) you will almost certainly hear about them from people in an authority position. If they aren't that serious, just ignore them.

You don't owe anyone and explanation and unless you are under subpoena, you don't have to tell anyone anything and don't have to defend yourself.

[Sidney37]

Wow!  Thank you for all of the help with this.  I guess the consensus is to ignore.  Unless I hear it said to me or in front of me, it doesn't matter.  I can correct something said directly to me.  I guess the mean lies aren't affecting me enough that I need to do anything about it.  If my relatives can't ask me directly, so be it.  It's harder said than done, I think!

I'm rereading Townsend and Cloud's book about boundaries after just reading it a few months ago.  I think it's a good reminder.  I really appreciate the suggestions as to how to respond:
That's news to me
I don't know where she got that idea
That's now how it happened at all

One day, this will get easier and I hopefully can be giving advice rather that asking for it so often.  I'm feeling calmer and stronger than I was 4 months ago!