Crying & exhaustion

[eternallystuck]

Lately I've just been crying constantly & exhausted

What's weird is Nothing is particularly going on with NPD M atm. She's currently in nicey nice guilt mode, which I've learnt from experience, is a 'recovery period'
from her nastiness so I just about don't kill myself. She enjoys making me low & vulnerable so she can play saviour at the last minute. She's a control freak & has to control the narrative. I know this game well, so my therapist can't understand why I don't seem hopeful- it's because it's fickle hoovering, nothin more. I've seen this a 100 times & it makes me eerily sick. Like she tricks me into thinking things have calmed down & then she's back to dragging me again.  I have been pushing on with this mental health battle for so long now amongst other things & dragged my degree on & on, knowing each step of the way she has had everything to do with making my life 300 x more difficult than it need be. From having no dad (&her poor step dad choices), npd m grooming gc sis & now bro & her partner (&extended foo) & dealing with my extreme childlike npd gma & their turmoil with M. The isolation & trying to deal with all that on your own shoulders really gets too much. Hell sometimes I think giving into her gaslighting would of made my life less volatile. It's been getting too much for a long time now. I just don't even recognise who I am after 2 decades of dealing with this. I'm drained, demotivated & lonely. And I'm real real angry at my M & I don't think anyone irl could truly appreciate why that's justified without goin this far in my shoes. I literally feel traumatised at the thought of trying to bond with someone again, so I just stay alone bored to death. I know it's not healthy but the 40 odd manipulative/fake friendships I've had over the years weren't either. I've never found a true safety net outside of the foo

I know once my energy picks up, her nasty viscous hostile manner comes back. It leaves me so deflated..but I just don't have anyone. It's like I'm so used to it I just don't wanna live anymore. I really am tired of trying. I just feel I endured all this for nothing, I've kept telling myself good ppl are comin but I just seem to attract, leeches,users & phonies when I'm upfront & go the mile for people. I don't think I could do another 50 years of this.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so so sorry. It sounds like a lifetime's grief to me. You've seen it 1000 times before and you are sick and tired of it and don't really see your way out. What you describe sounds incredibly depressing. And add isolation in the mix and no wonder! You said you sometimes don't want to live anymore... does your T know that? That is very serious. Even if you don't have intent or desire to actually harm yourself.

Depression is one of the stages of grief. It sounds like a normal reaction to your situation to me, but I only know this little bit. You have been through fifty years of a hidden hell. I'm surprised by the implication of your T that you "should" be feeling a certain way.

The loneliness is the hardest part sometimes. Do you have the option of a support group? A spouse or dear friend to confide in?

And finally do you have an outlet that you genuinely love? Something that is self care for you? Something creative or physical? Mine are my garden and dance. Sometimes it's really hard to do even those things, but I'm always glad I did. Or even if that's too much, nothing wrong  with just resting for a little while. You're going through a lot! You really are! These things catch up with us. Please take good care of yourself. Painting a picture might seem like a pollyanna-ish and laughable solution, but we didn't get into this mess overnight and you are not going to "snap out of it." It's baby steps.

[eternallystuck]

Thanks for your kind words Cordelia .

It's weird cos technically I'm still considered a young adult & shouldn't feel this heavy /cynical but I feel my childhood & teens were hijacked. & I just get mad now I've found myself in adult world. They felt like an endurance test: how much can you take of your m abusing u & your hysterical gma driving you to self-harm?  Then came the non-foo leeches to suck me dry & I think I got lost somewhere along the way. There's so much rewiring to do, I feel I need 6 years just to catch my breath on it all but society is telling me tick tock hit the milestones. It's a lot of pressure.

Luckily I'm in my own space now & it's real nice, I've decorated it with lots of calming peaceful things but when I'm alone... the loneliness creeps. That's what gets me wherever I am. The reaching out for a handle that isn't there (without being made considerably more ill) & knowing the rest of your life is going to be like that, it makes me nervous about the future & whether I'll cope.  I've been turning to the alchemist again for some quotes to pull me through

I know you can find your own foo /gang but I find a lot of ppl fickle & I need something strong. I'd (figuritevly) kill to have just one blood relative I could count on or something as reliable

It's funny you mentioned painting/dancing as I find they are the most 2 effective things to keep my mind off stuff:). My trouble is staying productive & moving forwards. I'm great at distracting myself with all manner of things lmao! Once I get in the twilight zone I can be out for a while

I'm goad you mentioned the therapist, Cos I think I need to find a new one. Aside from venting I haven't got much out of it. I think it's a lil out of her depth. I think finding a support group in the city would be more beneficial to me, speaking with ppl who get the terms discussed here.

Anyways thanks for your reply Cordelia, it means a lot

[Fiasco]

I know what you mean about seeming to only attract fickle people or worse. In my experience when our lives are so out of balance like yours sounds right now it gives us a weird energy. This weird energy seems to attract losers and especially people who are inclined to take advantage of us or victimize is. It also pushes away people who are stable unfortunately. You have to get yourself in order first. I know it's so hard, I'm so sorry.

You don't have to continue the relationship with your abusive mother. You can cut back or cut her off. What's more important, what people say or think about you or literally your survival? We get it and we care and there's lots of good advice here. Good luck and keep us updated!

[appaloosa]

I'm very sorry for all you have ben through and are going through. I agree, you need a new therapist! It will probably take some time to sort through your feelings and come up with a plan for dealing with your FOO--whether that be Low Contact or perhaps No Contact. You say you would give anything to have one blood relative to count on. In my experience, my non family friends are the ones I can count on. I don't think one single member of my FOO would be willing to really help me if I needed it. But I have friends that I know would step up. Don't give up!