Toxic 'friend' ramping up...

[zak]

Firstly, I have to say, I'm in my early 60's, functioning pretty well these days and NC with uNPDM for 5 years with no regrets. Like many of us from PD families, I intuitively drew narcissists into my life as friends, but thankfully not as a husband. I never knew how to put down healthy boundaries and frankly allowed myself to be treated badly by some people. As I came Out of the FOG more and more in my late 40's and 50's, I learned better ways of coping and managing the multiple FOO PD's in my life. Gradually as I became stronger, relationships that were founded on me supplying narcissist feed fell away, to the point where I had no option but to finally go NC with uNPDM as I said 5 years ago.

I have fewer friends these days, in fact far fewer but I've been reaching out in my community the past few years through joining a walking group that is very social. My current issue is with one of only two friends from the old days. This lady and I go back to when our children were small, some 30+ years; it's a girlie relationship where you catch up over lunch and family news etc. This lady has always been prone to mild passive aggression, for example; making negative comments on my hair or flaunting her considerable financial security with comments that ' you'll get there too one day'. I guess it's always irked me but till the past four years or so I'd just stayed silent as she shot her barbs home.

As I've come Out of the FOG and now stand up to her if she tries those nasty comments she's better behaved, but it seems that she's very threatened by my moving into a fuller social life locally without her. She could join the walking group but she's too lazy to be out of bed for the 8am starts and lacks the general fitness as well. Yet she resent s or is envious that I'm enjoying a life she is unconnected to.

Lately she's been cultivating another mutual acquaintance S that I left behind 20 years ago when I realised she was a narcissist and was using me for free babysitting and much more. When she first went out to lunch with this S early this year,  S posted it all over Facebook. At our next catch-up she said ' Oh I'm sorry you weren't invited but I did suggest that we ask you and S just went silent; it's obvious she doesn't like you. I knew you'd be hurt seeing that on Facebook and I'm sorry'.

The point being she knows its hurtful to see posts where I have been pointedly excluded from an occasion yet now, she is saturating her news feed with images and gushing comments between the two. Concurrently I seldom hear from her and have myself initiated the only two times I've seen her in 6 months, both a lunch lasting barely an hour. I'm not really bothered by that so much as being the target of what seems to be a targeted social media 'get even' of some kind. Like a lot of bullying; only the target is aware of what's going on.

I know this sounds like a stupid high school drama and I'm acutely aware of that, but I also feel that there is a propaganda campaign running here and after being the scapegoat in my FOO it's quite triggering for me. It's difficult to shake her completely as our children are friends and we live within a few minutes of each other. I also know that if I raise it with her a campaign of Gaslighting will ensure and she'll be blameless and I'll be fodder for endless propaganda with S and others. I've tried shutting down Facebook but it's difficult these days when so many of my hobbies use the platform as their communication base.

Anyway after NC from her for 2 months I got a late Christmas Eve text saying were we free for a 'long overdue catch-up between Christmas and NY'. It was clearly sent at 11pm after a few wines when her conscience and Christmas had gotten to her and to me it smacked of major hoovering. I waited to the next day and replied politely saying we were busy throughout but would be happy to catch-up in the new year. I know I was supposed to respond with enthusiasm but I'm done.

I really don't know how to shut this relationship down as it's clearly not friendship and probably never was to any degree. I know it sounds childish but I don't want a drama. Any advice please ?

[Thru the Rain]

Even without a pd involved, some friendships run a natural course and then everyone drifts apart naturally.

You mention you were friends because you have kids the same age, going back 30+ years. But now that all the kids are grown, you probably don't have much really in common with this friend any longer. It's OK to acknowledge that, even if it's just to yourself.

And having said all that, it sounds like she's baiting you with social activities that you are specifically excluded from. That's not a friend. She openly points out differences in your financial situations and tries to make you "less than". That's not a friend. You mention that she makes nasty comments all the time. We all have bad days, but a person who is consistently mean to you is not a friend.

I would suggest either unfriending or at least snoozing her feed on your social media. Where ever you are connected to her, find the appropriate setting. Some platforms its "snooze" or "mute" or "unfollow", and you will no longer see any of her posts or activities. Fully unfriending and disconnecting from her is also an option. You don't owe anyone space in your daily life.

Also consider that she's spending time with a person you consciously distanced yourself from years ago. Let her. Be glad she's NOT inviting you. Also be glad she's not participating in a newer friend group. I would stop trying to include her.

It's OK to let a friendship turn into just an occasional acquaintance. It doesn't have to be harmful or hurtful to either party.

[ShyTurtle]

Ugh. I'm sorry. I really can't stand those who subtly put me down and one-up me either. Maybe it's time to phase out this connection which bothers you.  Why should she have any bit of power over how you spend your days on earth at all? If you're thinking about it, it tells me that you're distressed by it, and you already know she is who she is. There's no changing the course of this relationship, so perhaps it's time to focus on new relationships which feed your wellbeing instead.