Trust

[Kiki81]

Was one of your therapy goals to trust her?

Honestly, healthy people automatically utilize risk management when it comes to life. If a person is risky, i.e. untrustworthy, disordered in an acting-out manner, then that person is handled accordingly.

[Ariel]

Wow did this hit home. Such wonderful advice.  No I don't think you can trust her. Unless she has actively taken steps to change and shown you she has. Otherwise I feel they act nice, suck you in and wham! hit you with their bad behavior again. I have tried so many times and then tried boundaries but once in a while I forget because she acts loving, but it's all a show because then when I don't expect it wham! she hits me with her horrible words. So no don't trust , protect yourself and have safe superficial relationships. Have the close relationships with people who deserve you

[Hilltop]

No I don't think you can trust again.  It's not so much childhood for me but into the adult years this unspoken weirdness that has just gone on and on and on.  When I finally had proof of my mother's backstabbing smear campaign then no, the trust is broken.  I simply can't see her the same way again.  I won't trust her again.

The only thing I feel I can do is accept that's her.  I don't think you are unfair.  When someone does something to you that is a significant breech of trust that trust won't be healed unless that person has gone on to demonstrate remorse for that breech and then has continually shown you a difference in their behaviour.

However so far with these types of people I am yet to see one who does show remorse and can apologise, admit to their mistakes and make amends.

[not broken]

Anything vulnerable or sensitive she knows about me is weaponised whenever she feels like it. There's no pause for thought, no consideration of the gravitas /impact of what she is doing. At the time they might show faux sympathy but they will later turn this into ammo. They're aggressors by nature, they do not know how to bond or exercise restraint.

Stop selling myself a dream, since it only hurts more. Following the carrot we dangle above our heads, is what prelongs the abuse IMO.

These two statements jumped off the screen to me. They are so spot on.  I do believe they know how to exercise restraint though. If they didn't, then people that have known me and my hwNPD wouldn't think we are the perfect couple.  They would have seen him verbally and emotionally abuse me. He didn't allow that to happen, and THAT is purposeful restraint.  "No pause for thought", yes indeed.  No matter what. 

I thought I had put boundaries in place.  You reminded me that I have more work to do!  My dream of what I thought we had or what I wanted, was what he used to ensure that I continued to hide, make excuses for and accept the behaviors and treatment.  Thank you, @eternallystuck, I needed this today. 

[DaisyGirl77]

If you have had a significant breech of trust in your relationship with your PD parent, has trust ever been restored?

No.  But in my case, my uNM never trusted me.  From the moment I was born, I broke all of her fantasies of having a doll who did exactly what she wanted & allowed her to dress me as she wanted.  Instead, she got a colicky infant who just wanted Mommy, & Mommy felt smothered & overwhelmed by the dream-busting & clingy baby & she rejected me.  The second I began demonstrating that I was a very tiny human being who had my own schedule--not hers for me--she didn't trust me.

So how do you establish trust with a parent who openly dislikes you, disparages you to others (happened consistently throughout my childhood), & makes you their ball & chain...IF they even mention you at all?  You can't.  I learned this far too late.  If I'd realized this in my 20s, I think I would've been better off, but my last straw came nearly 4 years ago, & that'll have to be early enough.

So every time I have to be around her (usually around the holidays since my baby nephew's birthday is in late Fall), my anxiety skyrockets.  I don't know if I'll be around a woman who will treat me as a stranger, or a woman who will be so enraged that her fury is barely concealed, but crackles off her like an electrical storm.  In my case, I don't know if it would've been easier or harder to know that trust was established & then breached.