Help me know what this is...and he slapped me

[Nohigherjoy]

Ok, I've had plenty of relationships and a 22 year marriage. I have never had a man become physical with me. DH and I have been married 3 years. He is adjusting to a new city, new job, my 4 kids still at home, etc. He is congenial and passive. It becomes passive aggressive though. He will often retreat to our bedroom quietly fuming about how I handled something with the kids that he disagrees with. He is frustrated with me at least 2-3 times a week... to the point of not speaking to me for a few days. He withholds physical affection when he's frustrated. I initiate sex most of the time- that is once every 7-10 days. I've affirmed his life changes until I'm blue in the face- kindly and compassionately thankful that he's here to help provide and support me and the kids. He's liked by everyone he meets. He is highly sensitive and wears his feelings on his sleeve. He thinks about himself and how things impact him before he thinks about anyone else. Sigh. About a year ago, we were fighting and I started kicking the bathroom door in frustration. He charged at me and grabbed both my arms causing bruises. He said he was trying to calm me down, but I could see anger in his face as he charged at me. Two nights ago, we were arguing again... he was mad that he came home and I was taking a nap and the kids were checked out watching tv. I hadn't made dinner. No biggie bc he'd already told me I didn't have to make dinner. Anyway, I had worked most of the day (Sunday) and got upset because he kept saying that he'd worked all day and came home to me sleeping... he repeats things over and over a lot too... like I'm not hearing him. I lost it because I'd worked most of the day as well and had to run kids around on top of that. He wouldn't look at me while we were arguing and he was laying on our bed staring at his phone. I asked him to please look at me... he said "no, I'm not going to look at you and I'm frustrated bc I worked all day and came home to you..." he started that same thing again. I knocked his phone out of his hands bc be was being so dismissive of me and disrespectful of my time and my need to rest sometimes too. Anyway, when I knocked his phone out of his hands, it hit the floor. He jumped up off the bed and slapped me across the face. I was so stunned that I left to go get my son from work. It wasn't a hard hit, but he still slapped me. I've talked to his ex-wife of 13 years and she said he had an anger problem with her, but never got physical or hurt her physically. He apologized to me an hour later and was very upset that he lost control and wanted to make sure I knew I did nothing to cause it and he was wrong and out of control. But that's it. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days. He hasn't pursued me outside of the apology. I'm baffled by his behaviors and not sure what to do other than see our counselor that we see each month. I'm just exhausted with his constant brooding and unhappiness. But then he can be so congenial and likable. It's confusing.

[xredshoesx]

i am so sorry this happened.  i think it's important to bring it up with your counselor but i wonder if they could get you in sooner so this doesn't become something hanging in the air between you two that affects everything else until your next appointment.

as a caveat i was in a relationship with my uPD ex for almost 6 years.  he had issues with weed/ drinking and was generally a likeable guy as long as he wasn't loaded, but when he had too much, our relationship was ugly, ugly to the point where we almost both had to go to jail for a DV situation that started out like what you described, but continued to escalate every time we  got in a fight because we never dealt with the first instance properly.

it sounds like your DH is being appropriately contrite and apologetic about it and was wise to give you some space after he took responsibility for what he did- something my ex never did - he always found a way to manipulate the situation to make it my fault-

something i've learned with my own DH is that when one of us gets angry we both need space, me more so than him (he's more of a slammer and a hrummmmmpher where i'll slow burn you out with a look until i'm ready to discuss further) and we had to learn as a couple to see when the other needs space- not just when you are mad either but space just to BE (like when you were trying to nap) .  it looks like you give him that room, but he needs to recognize that you need that space too, which is something the T could help you both navigate.   

i also don't think he realizes that as the mom you are always ON and being home is sometimes more work than being at work and when you come home sometimes you need that 20-30 minutes to decompress.  your only free time should not be when you are in your car going/ coming to work and i don;t think he sees that.

i have a very stressful job at work and i also take home work and DH had to start giving me space for that too.  i don't just get to come home and chill. i come home, cook dinner, do a load of washing and/or take care of pets while i am grading papers between household chores- my husband also does chores/ cooks, but he can come home and play a game or watch tv.  now one of the things we do is take a walk with the dogs where we just walk, no work talk, no technology/ phones and it's helped a lot both to decompress us both as well as giving me that time to switch gears and keeping me from feeling constantly hammered by responsibility.

[1footouttadefog]

I hate to stir strouvke but the following jimosnout at me.

Wow he started a fight because he had to come home to you. 

Sometimes they tell us exactly what they think.

Then he ignored you while on his phone. With who? 

Consider the possibility the arguments are an excuse to disengage from you so he can be free to be on the phone with someone else.