Do I let my kids down if I am not friends with their friend's parents?

Blueberry Pancakes · January 21, 2022, 12:17:39 PM

It seems quite common for me to see parents being friends with the parent's of their children's friends. I understand the common bond shared, and how you get so familiar with the kids. School events also mean you are in frequent contact. It seems however, many take it further and take vacations together and see each other socially without the children. Of course, such a friendship among parents probably enhances the connections between the children.

I am wondering though, if I don't become friends with other parents, am I letting my kids down? Am I failing them in some way by not facilitating social connections for them? I even sometimes wonder if I might be an embarrassment to them.

I have been shy my whole life. Being the scapegoat in my FOO and easily triggered means I am reluctant to jump into any personal relationship. I believe I am polite, courteous and not interested in gossip. Sometimes I feel like that in itself makes me stand alone. I mostly feel like I awkwardly try to get eye contact with others to engage, but nobody even looks at me when I walk over to a group. Any communications are simply transactional. I usually stand around trying to keep a smile on my face and end up walking off.

Am I failing my kids by being unable to model behaviors that are more "social"? Or, do kids not really think of these aspects and do they end up finding their own way?

square · January 21, 2022, 02:20:31 PM

You are not failing your kids. You are fine.

It's important for kids to have friends but parents don't need to be friends.

When I was a kid my mom was "friendly" with my two closest childhood friends' mothers... but not actually friends. The only thing that mattered was that I got to see my friends, and that was all.

I went to boarding school as a teen and my parents literally never met my friends' parents. Granted, it was boarding school.

With my kid, same thing - H and I each scored her a childhood friend or two, and we were friendly with the respective parents but not friends. No matter.

She's a teen now and I've met only one parent. The others I have never even seen. They drop their kids off on the road in front of my house and then drive away. We don't talk, text, nothing. As long as they drop the kids off, we're all good.

I was not a SG but I know how it feels to feel really awkward. I am hearing impaired and vision impaired and it's so awkward, especially with new people because I have a harder time hearing people I don't know. I'm not so awkward once we know each other.

I'd love to know more people but it's a major, major thing to get out there.

I actually get to know the kids themselves. I like teens a lot, and I feel much more comfortable with people much older or younger than myself. Peers... were always hard for me.

Anyway, you might have reason to want to get to know people, but your shame need not drive it. Go at your pace. Like for me, my pace is spending a bit of time with the teens that come by on occasion. Your kids are fine.

blacksheep7 · January 22, 2022, 01:39:42 PM

Simple answer, imo, No.

Blueberry Pancakes · January 22, 2022, 05:04:03 PM

Thank you, Square and Blacksheep. Your words are reassuring. I sometimes think that little voice telling me I am not enough, or am not doing the right things that gets louder and louder if I let it.

JenniferSmith · January 27, 2022, 02:34:11 PM

From this post, it sounds a bit like you might want to find ways to connect more with these other parents? Maybe your anxiety from the past is holding you back from something you want in your life now. You asked about letting your kids down but I'm wondering if maybe you feel like you're letting yourself down a little bit. It feels comfortable to be the shy one who is on the sidelines, but the way you described it didn't convey that you are completely content being in that role.

treesgrowslowly · February 04, 2022, 09:04:56 AM

This is a great question.

In my experience - my answer is no. You are not letting your kids down. You should be friendly and respectful towards their friends parents and that is all.

If a friendship developed, it should not affect your kids. It should be separate.

Is this a clique situation? If these people are only letting their kids play with families that they have friendships with, that is on them. Their kids should be free to choose their own friends. I hated having to play with the kids of people my parents were friends with.

You can be friendly and spend time together, attend sports events together etc... if you want, but in my opinion, having good boundaries with the parents is a gift you give your kids.

Let the kids have their friendships free from worry about how changes will affect you. Kids don't need to worry about staying friends with someone they no longer like, just because it will upset mom's / dad's social network. I don't think that's fair to do that to children.

Granted in small towns, these can be harder to avoid.

I also had troubles as a kid when my mom didn't like the parents. That's not fair either. Be friendly and respectful, that is how parents should approach the other parents in their kids social network. Let your kid choose their friends based on who they enjoy spending time with, and help them to choose friends who are kind and respectful of them.

Trees

Penny Lane · February 04, 2022, 11:07:25 AM

I actually think there's a benefit to not being friends with the kids' friends parents. What if the kids grow apart but the parents still want to see each other?

There is a benefit, as others have said, to being friendLY with the other parents. On texting terms, but not hanging out terms, say. You can easily arrange playdates and when the kids get older you can check that they are where they say they're going to be.

But even that is optional. Plenty of kids have friends without the parents even knowing each other.

You are fine!

Blueberry Pancakes · February 05, 2022, 11:27:42 AM

Thank you, JenniferSmith, Trees and Penny. I am feeling much more calm about my position on this topic.

Overall, my go-to approach is the be friendly and polite. I get an initial "vibe" from someone, and if it does not immediately feel right I do not venture further. To me, it also seems like some of these parents develop cliques like teenagers, and I do not need to experience that again. I never thought about the aspect of allowing my kids the freedom of not being obligated to hang onto friendships that are not right for them. There might also be an aspect of also allowing your child to individuate, which I think is healthy too. Thank you.

daughter · February 06, 2022, 09:41:13 PM

This seems a pretty typical experience, sorta socializing with parents at school and/or sports teams, but we didn't, for same reasons you note. Didn't do "PTA moms", wasn't school mom, etc. Parents in our community were sometimes sharp-elbowed, and pretty competitive too. We matched education and income-wise, but just didn't gel. And not a lot of working mothers, mostly stay-at-home country club moms and high-flier dads and wanna-bees.

Do think there was residual impact on our kids' social opportunities, given that we're not country club folks, etc.

Jolie40 · February 10, 2022, 09:40:55 PM

my child made several friends in our neighborhood
I was friendly & tried to become friends with moms
however, since I was a sahm & they were working moms, they really didn't have time for me

one of the girls was in plays & I asked the mom how to get the info for auditions
she wouldn't share any info with me!

when my kid was really young, I asked several moms for babysitter recommendation
ALL of them refused to share their sitter info....I thought it was pretty selfish

maybe the moms in my area are just stuck up, lol

Blueberry Pancakes · February 11, 2022, 10:56:39 AM

Thank you, daughter and Jolie, for your comments. I suppose I just have a nagging inner conflict between knowing these social "cliques" are nothing I want to be part of versus wanting to ease social connections that might open doors for my kids.

When I try, I actually feel like I make it worse because it seems kind of desperate. I don't want to be that person. I carry a fear of embarrassing my kids, or worse, being someone the other moms talk about and that gossip is repeated to my kids via what their friends overheard. Ugh. These moms can be tough. I prefer to just not play that game. I guess that is alright and as long as I support the talents of my kids, they will find a good path.

Call Me Cordelia · February 11, 2022, 02:41:08 PM

I really don't understand the competitiveness and clique behavior. And then there are the moms who view other kids as their darling's competitor for starring roles and sitter time. If that is the hand you are dealt, Blueberry, I suggest that you are doing just fine. In your first post you wrote that you stand out for being polite, courteous, and being uninterested in gossip. Which leads me to believe you're experiencing the other parents as rude and gossipy. Certainly leaving someone standing awkwardly around the fringes of the group is less than polite. Good manners would be to include everyone present in the conversation.

I feel we mothers need each other! If it takes a village to raise a child, well then let's be that village together! Things are so much easier when the mothers are friends, or at least know and respect and trust each other enough to have each other's back on where the kids are and what they are doing, media use, sharing rides, etc. Best friends isn't necessary, but on the same page with the culture they want to build for their kids. And you can't get there without getting to know each other! I wouldn't go so far as to say you are letting your kids down, certainly, but there is great benefit to being friendly with the people you see on a regular basis.

Or even if they are otherwise nice people, there are so many factors and many of them have nothing to do with you. What are the topics of conversation when you find yourself on the fringes? Can you genuinely relate? I remember being in a group of moms that just talked about when they could get back to work when the kids were in school... as a wannabe homeschooler at the time, it was really awkward! But if somebody mentioned classical architecture bam I'm in the group! (That's never happened, sadly. I really need to find a frieze friend.) I also feel that once that first genuine connection is made, that's the hardest part over with. We've moved around and started over a lot. I've found the good people are everywhere, which was a refreshing surprise! I too was a scapegoat and easily triggered, so I have no friends whatsoever "back home."

Being supportive of your kids' talents is a wonderful way to find kindred spirits. When they and their friend are focused on painting or robotics or whatever it is that draws them together, the parents can naturally be united in their support of the children. The other blessing of that is you and your kids will continue to break into new and hopefully friendly communities this way. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to facilitate social relationships for your kids, while also knowing it's not completely up to you.

Blueberry Pancakes · February 13, 2022, 11:16:35 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on February 11, 2022, 02:41:08 PM
Being supportive of your kids' talents is a wonderful way to find kindred spirits. When they and their friend are focused on painting or robotics or whatever it is that draws them together, the parents can naturally be united in their support of the children. The other blessing of that is you and your kids will continue to break into new and hopefully friendly communities this way. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to facilitate social relationships for your kids, while also knowing it's not completely up to you.

Thanks, Cordelia. I like the aspect of naturally being united in activities of mutual interest of our kids. To me, that is better than walking into a school sporting event and seeing the moms huddled in a corner and feeling like I have to walk over to them like a fawn into a "Lion's den". When I do, many of them do not even look at me or acknowledge my presence. Yes, I do think they are rude and unfriendly at best. I also notice they do not share babysitters, or other helpful info as though they deem it to mean less for them. I do not know why this is, but I know what I see and I just cannot join in. You have made me think of an alternative, so thank you.

Call Me Cordelia · February 13, 2022, 12:25:22 PM

Oh good! Thank you for indulging my passion in talking about this topic.

I do know what you mean by that experience, sadly. You are wise to just not bother. There's something about sports and sports moms... I like sports and think they are good, don't get me wrong, but there is something about the parent culture at soccer that I never experienced at all in my kids' "nerdier," more unique activities. I will only sign up for sports now if we already have friends in it! Irish step dancing moms are friendly. Community garden moms are. Lego robotics moms are. (I mean, in my experience. Do what your family likes!) If you have a common genuine interest, there you go you have a friend! Sometimes it goes deeper and you discover more in common, more often the friendship only lasts the season, but that's okay! You are doing so well!

Coyote23 · February 24, 2022, 10:55:46 AM

You have gotten some great advice already. Can I add: if you are wanting to make a connection but feeling triggered and rejected by the "purse moms" (my daughter's and my shorthand for women who put on a bit of a mother of the year act) then try this.

Look for the other shy, awkward parents that aren't fitting in. Talk to them. In my experience, these people are almost always the most interesting and cool people. It's not so much having a bff, just a comrade to talk to at pickup. A friendly face in a crowd.

It's also totally fine to wear headphones and ignore everyone. ❤️

Blueberry Pancakes · February 28, 2022, 11:11:06 AM

Quote from: Coyote23 on February 24, 2022, 10:55:46 AM
Look for the other shy, awkward parents that aren't fitting in. Talk to them. In my experience, these people are almost always the most interesting and cool people. It's not so much having a bff, just a comrade to talk to at pickup. A friendly face in a crowd.

It's also totally fine to wear headphones and ignore everyone. ❤️

Thanks Coyote. I think I get the whole "purse mom's" reference too. I like the tactic of finding other mom's who aren't exactly immersing themselves in the scene. Setting the expectation that it is not a BFF, just an ally.

SonofThunder · February 28, 2022, 02:32:37 PM

Blueberry Pancakes (lol I just love that screen name),

Not sure if its been said in the thread, and if so, sorry for the repeat. I believe that your healthy relationship choices, of proactively being very selective with your adult friends, regardless of the children's friendships, is a good and positive lesson for your children to learn.

Its good and healthy for me to be selective, for whatever reason I desire. I believe my kids would have been well balanced to learn these healthy boundary lessons at a younger age, and beneficial for me to do by example and having a thorough, truthful answer ready when my kids asked.

Wishing you the best.

SoT

daughter · February 28, 2022, 05:40:02 PM

Frankly thought these middle-school kids were too pushed, too entitled, too micro-managed. Social pecking order clearly established by 1st grade. Their helicopter parents were keen to assure "smooth landings", no matter circumstances, no matter how privileged or unfair. We loved our house, but found neighborhood politely siloed into social groups, long formed before we arrived in 3rd grade, enforced by country club and/or church affiliations, multi-generation local presence, etc. Lots of social class signaling, name dropping, and credential flashing. Me, the daughter of npd-parents, had to navigate as a parent a school environment I found to be quite triggering at its "social events".

We moved again, when "acclaimed" public school district LD services no longer needed. This "cliquishness" issue is unspoken problem in many upscale communities.