The fairweather friend

[Lilyloo]

countrygirl, First, here's a    I have tears as I read your reply. It sounds so familiar.  When your friend said "she should have done more for you"  I got from my friend "I guess I'm not a good friend"   If they say these things and admit it then, no they are not friends. Friends do not even have to question if they should have done more or state they aren't a good friend!  At a time when you were stressed and in pain, how ignorant of your friend! I just don't know whats in their minds!  We don't have to sit back and wait on them to come through anymore.  They won't and life is to short to have anything less than we deserve.

I am so sorry she let you down when you were going through the stress of a funeral and the will.  Your father sounds just awful!  My mother is the same. I'm sorry he set the will up to hurt you. I will ever never understand parents like this   It's sad you had no family and then your friend behaved in such a rude way. 

How rude and hurtful to not call you when she said she would. Its hurtful, and confusing because we did think there was a bond. I totally understand how you couldn't wait to talk to her. I felt the same after I sent my friend the pour my heart out text and got NOTHING! Like you I told her what I thought.  I had twice opened my heart and so much needed my friend.  I told her "see this is what I mean , you cant talk to me"  and she said not one word in return. That was it for me, I was done. 

A card on Christmas and her birthday but ya can bet I won't spend so much time picking one out anymore. Life seems to be a joke to my friend. She brought that miniature whiskey to the viewing and had to tell me she slipped it into my sister in laws pocket.  SIL is the wife of my stepbrother who's dad had died.  My ex friend goes on FB and when SIL posted their beloved cat had died and put a picture of my stepbrother with the kitty cat, my friend comments "what a hunk"  IGNORANCE big time! 

I like your "friend for old times sake"  Truly it's their loss.  You and I would have returned a phone call and on time! You and I would have supported them and did!    Yes, life has much to offer. Thank you so much for your kind reply. The very best to you! 

[countrygirl]

Hi Lilyloo,

Yo are correct:  If the proverbial shoe had been on the other foot, we would have been there for our friends.  I can't believe how inappropriately your friend acted, with the booze and her "hunk" comment.  No, don't send much time picking out cards for her anymore! 

By the way, it's a coincidence that you mentioned cards, because my friend is really into cards.  She sends nice birthday and Christmas cards, and I pick out nice ones for her.  But after reading your comment, I'm also going to stop sending her pretty cards.  All of these beautiful cards she's sent, full of wonderful sentiments--sentiments which she does not actually have.  I guess she should have sent me a card instead of returning my phone call!  Given how long it took her to call, I could have received a card.   

In fact, this woman loves Hallmark films.  Not that there's anything wrong with that--I've loved some of them too--but I remember when someone asked her what TV programs she liked, she mentioned only Hallmark movies!  Now,I ask you, in a Hallmark film, would someone's lifelong friend have acted as she did?  So clearly, she has learned nothing from all of her viewing!!!

There's clearly something off about both of our friends.  I should tell you that my friend once told me she couldn't stand to hear about her husband's difficult parents and/or my difficult parents.  She said that because her parents had been so good, she couldn't stand to hear about anyone's who weren't.  WHAT?  That's like saying, "I'm sorry you're ill, but because I have perfect health, I can't stand to hear about your illness." 

Notice that both of them want to run away from reality.  Whiskey and "hunk" comment.  Hallmark movies.  These are not people who will be there for us when reality hits. 

All the best for you, Lillyloo!   We can be thankful that we can be there for our friends.  Thank you for your best wishes and all of your generous words!  I wanted to share with you, because I found your story so relatable.  You are clearly a nice, empathetic person, who had a bad friend!  Having PD parents makes us vulnerable, as I'm sure you know. 

[Lilyloo]

Great to have someone who understands. Thank you countrygirl!

Good vibes and blessings to you

[bee well]

Hi Lily Loo,

I'm sorry about the loss of your dear brother and now the realizations about friendships and in particular your onevery long time friend.

It's good to see the support you are getting here. I'm glad it's helping you.

You asked how one would feel in your position, after so many years of friendship, now realizing this. I would be shaking my head and  feel pretty sad and a lot of other things.

That's some of how I felt when something similar happened to me not so long after starting the journey Out of the FOG. I realized a friend I has a lot of covert uN tendencies, and I had been provding supply for years in our one way interactions. Yes, she had "been there" for me at times, actually dumping on me for years, but when I needed to connect on a heartfelt level, it wasn't possible. One might have been able to work through a moment like that, but the same patterns continued over and over. And whenever she was called out on anything, it was always in my imagination. I haven't heard from her since I told her I was working some things out and didn't know how long that would take. It's been long enough that a friend would have wondered what happened.

I don't know how it'll go if we ever speak again but I do know the one way friendship is officially over.

One doesn't  have an obligation to keep trying (as I did)  just because she has been your friend for so long. However you handle it going forward I hope you will have that in mind. If your friend is anything like mine was, she'll eventually come around with some intermittent reinforcement that could get you thinking it was "just you."

To quote Moglow: "She's shown you in the past and is showing you here, some things she simply isn't capable of. You're not "wrong", you're just going to the wrong source for comfort and understanding."

Just know what you are working with when you deal with your expectations about this friend.  Patterns of behaviour tend to say a lot more than how we might feel about a friendship.

If it took you a long time to reevaluate your friend that's ok, it takes however long it takes. You didn't know then what you know now.

Keep on taking care of you Lily Loo, you deserve it.

P.s. Bloomie, That's so messed up what your Father said to you. Wow, I'm sorry about that! 

[Lilyloo]

 Thank you bee well,  I'm sorry about your friend situation.  Providing supply is something I think I've done too.  I think by not telling her I was uncomfortable about things she'd say that were way to personal, she just kept on doing it. I realize we are so opposite and it's just going to be an occasional hello by card.

Yes moglow is right, wrong source for support.  You are doing right by not ever having just a one way friendship.  The heartfelt level you describe is vital in my opinion to have a real friendship.  I agree that patterns of behavior says alot. Your advice is so appreciated. Thank you for your kind reply

I wish you the best and happy friendships ahead

[bee well]

Hi Again Lilyloo,

Thanks also to you for your reply.

I think with some people it doesn't even occur to them how their behaviour might be affecting another person, they are so absorbed in whatever it is they are going on about (obviously not a justification).

I don't know if I am immune to one way friendships, they can sneak up on us sometimes, but with this one I have decided to handle it differently now that I am seeing the patterns for what they are.

I reciprocate best wishes for happy and good enough friendships for all! 

[Lilyloo]

So true bee well!  They are absorbed  in their own lives and its doubtful they even give a thought how they can hurt others. I think it's narcisstic. 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

My one narcissistic friend (and, really, is she a friend?) is all I can take.    Lately, her selfishness is just so apparent to me and I don't like it.   I could be bleeding on the ground, and I'm fairly certain it would somehow be about her.

In the long run, I don't see it really lasting - maybe it'll revert to an occasional card once we are no longer working together.  I actually felt sad about it last week, but I know that I can't expect her to be something that she is absolutely incapable of being.

[Lilyloo]

 PlantFlowersNotWeeds,  I ask myself that same question, is she really a friend  I'm convinced the answer is no.  I think even having it cross our minds says no they aren't friends. Friendship is unconditional and they should be there no matter what.

A card is all I have to give now.  It's not fair to you and me to give more than we get. I used to think that was acceptable. I've changed

I'm sorry she's treating you that way. It hurts and is confusing but you deserve more. I think if we're sad and it feels toxic then we step back and realize like you stated that they just don't have it in them to give. Not fair to us and not what makes life happy.  If someone backs away when we need them, it's just not worth our time