Friend says I never contacted her

[Miranda]

Trees, Amazing advice!  You are so right that she is so emotionally immature.  This has gone on for a year. I reached out because I had some heavy stuff going on. She was not mature enough to respond other than saying she didn't know what to say A true friend would at least text and ask how are you doing? I certainly would.

I have felt obligation my whole life, to my siblings, my mother, my friends, my husband, my children.  All the while none of them felt the same. I have a narc mother.  Thank God she's in a nursing home! She messages and it's all about her. She will say in one sentence  " I'm feeling pretty good today"  and that's it!  She tells me what everyone's doing for her, in detail! If I'm ill, she says, "well you inherited it from me"  She's as self absorbed as it gets!! I saw that in my friend. If I tried to talk, she'd cut me off and turn the topic to her.  If I mentioned an issue with a family member. she'd go silent, leading me to believe I was bad for saying anything.  Still I felt obligated to stay in touch.  This last year I saw just how she had treated me forever.  I failed to act on her behavior in school, but now I won't take it.

I like the idea to buy myself a nicer card! I think that would make me feel good.    I'm still not sure, but if I send one it will be very plain.  I see now that over this past year that anything I told her about my being sad or down, she did not want to hear.  Like you say we stick with these relationships because we do hope they will grow up. They never do!

I know my posts are long and I've vented enough. Trees you helped me so much!  I'm going on the narc parent boards because I am 100% certain most of my issues stem from my narc mother. 

Thank you and everyone!  It makes such a difference to be heard

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Miranda,

I agree - it does make a big difference to be heard. It is part of the process for getting into recovery in my view.

Part of our experience with narc parents is that we don't necessarily have someone else in the family who 'gets it' about our narc parent. Talking to others who get it helps us to feel less alone in the work we are doing.

Very glad you are finding connections here with us. As another member SoT likes to say "See you around the boards"! 

Trees

[Miranda]

I wanted to add something here that just popped into my mind. Several years ago I had a wedding to attend around Christmas time. I had mentioned to my so called friend that I'd need to shop for an outfit.  She offered a red blouse. I told her I hate the color red. It stems from a bad dream as a child where the devil   was coming to get me.   I still to this day see him in the red devil suit. He was repeating the words "man woman, man woman" over and over and he even had a red pitchfork. Crazy   yes I know but it was a nightmare and terrifying to a child.  It stuck with me. Thus my hate and fear of the color red. I told her kindly no thanks,and explained the reason, plus I just cannot wear red, it scares me.  I have never worn red or had any item in red.  Hours later she showed up at my house with the RED blouse. Can anyone figure that one out?? I have wondered and tried to figure out why the h*** she'd do that

[Miranda]

ok , I guess my dream freaked ya out!   I guess nobody knows why she'd do that?   

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Miranda,

I missed this post when you first made it - because the new format for this website doesn't offer the feature it used to. I used to be able to see unread posts in a thread and I no longer can. If anyone knows how to fix that - please pipe up lol! Thanks!

Well my NPD mother would have done this exact thing. Driven over with the red blouse. You made the "mistake" of sharing something about yourself that the other person did not want to take in. The entire premise they operate from is 'off'. No healthy person would do the bizarre confusing things that PDs do.

All of it is subconscious for them. That is what I believe. They do not consciously plan or reason out why they do what they do.

There are various reasons why a narcissistic person would drive over with the red blouse after being told you don't want the red blouse. Here are a few that come to mind:

1. Control. "I'm going to be in charge of what Miranda wears". These people may be reacting to you the way that they were dealt with as a child. Their parent put them in the outfit they hated the most, and now they are treating you to that same behaviour. Their own emotions were manipulated as children, and they now see this sort of manipulation as normal. They think of friends as people who want to be manipulated. When we reject their controlling behaviours, they act wounded. They do not understand how healthy friendships work.

2. Victim mode. "I even DROVE over the blouse and Miranda didn't want it! I'm such a good person, I'm such a giving friend, and Miranda still treats me poorly!" This is a state a lot of PDs go into. They love having a story to tell others about how Miranda treated them poorly. In their story they will leave out the 'small detail' about how you didn't want the red blouse. My mother did this MANY times. I saw it over and over.

3. Sheer ignorance / dissociation. In some cases, a PD will not recall what you said and will think, "oh, I think Miranda asked me for the red blouse. I better go drive it over." I saw this with older PD relatives, whose memory skills were weakening over time. They simply forgot what they were told, and acted with some partial recall of what the person wanted from them. They can remember someone asking them to bring something to the potluck, but they can't remember what, so they bring a cake. Meanwhile, they were asked to bring a salad. This does happen. And I think it happens because PD's are dissociating at times and can't recall what we asked them to do.

If they can only recall partial information, they fill in the rest with whatever they want. They rarely if ever ask for clarification. The PD friend or relative is not the person who will call or text and say "I know you asked to borrow a blouse but I can't remember what else you said, can you remind me which blouse you wanted to borrow?" Nope. Never heard a PD do that!

Instead they simply show up with something in hand, and the thoughtful people just sorta smooth over their lapse in judgement / memory and graciously thanks them for bringing the wrong thing. Or it causes conflict, and the PD has no idea why. They are loathe to ever admit that they had a lapse in memory.

And I have never heard a PD admit that they were too dissociated to remember what I said during a conversation with them! Everything they forgot was...wait for it...my fault. Of course it was. 

Those are the main three motives I've observed in PDs that could potentially explain her behaviour with the blouse.

What do you think? In any case, the consequence of their PD behaviour is that we end up questioning what we should do - do we wear the blouse they gave us or do we stick to our authentic self?

A friend in a healthy state would never drive over the red blouse after hearing you say you don't want to wear a red blouse.

Trees

[Miranda]

Thank you Trees!  You give such great insight and I appreciate it so much. I'm reading these over again and still not sure why she'd do that?  I think it's closest to number 3, but I also think she likes control. I do see a pattern with her of dissociation. She's shown ignorance throughout our long friendship.    Remember a few weeks back she forgot we talked twice! I was so confused!!

 Like your mother, mine would do the same and gives me things of hers even now that's shes in the NH.  I dress nothing like my mother! My mother completely blocks out what I say.  My friend does also. When I told her some of my struggles she totally blocked it out.  When I pointed out she had not responded she dissociated even more. All wrapped up in themselves. 

Then I get that anniversary invite. It's the same thing as the red blouse situation. She didn't absorb that my marriage is a bit bumpy and sent the invite anyway. She did not see that it would be uncomfortable for me.  There she is celebrating and I was hurting.  My mind says 'total ignorance'  I didn't want her to give me a solution to my husband woes, I just wanted a kind word or suggestion, maybe? Instead she said "I don't know any answer" She's to ignorant to see where I was coming from, plus she totally blanked it all out. SOME FRIEND!!

Not a good friend at all!. Her marriage is and has always been based on the physical.  I heard the details many times, and wanted to run screaming "just shut up please, to many details, to much info"    No boundaries, no keeping anything private!  She adores men and flirts even now that shes 70.  I always heard those stories too... :aaauuugh

Sorry I veered off there for a bit.  She is a narc for sure and ignorant and distances from anything real in life. Your 3 reasons helped so much! Your help is just awesome.   I do think 3 is it!

Trees, you are a blessing. 

[Miranda]

OR....she's throwing it in my face that her marriage is tops with that invite