difficult dating experience

[bluleaf]

Hello I have been reading quite a bit and feel anguished by the stories.  Its so hard to talk about this topic.   I have been told that talking about it is necessary, but just afraid of my emotions I am realizing.  My anger especially. I have two relationships I am having trouble with.  One is a very dear friend and the other is a man I was in a brief relationship with.  Both are cluster b types, but very different from each other.   

This dating experience happened fairly recently.  We were together for a few months and I successfully went no contact in Dec. and ignored his texts/pictures.  He finally gave up right before the new year.   I met this man in a twelve step group and at the time I didn't understand this, but he lovebombed me heavily.  I was hooked instantly.  I really thought he was genuinely interested in me as a person.  As I read other stories this seems to be where so much of the heartache is.  They seduce you and make you believe there is a true blue connection.  I started seeing the red flags right away.  Which I feel lucky to have escaped at this point, but the fact that I ignored these red flags to begin with is what is troubling me.     

He displayed very over the top fawning toward most people.  Mostly with women.  My understanding is that his relationships are based on obsession rather than connection.  I have never been with a man who so openly objectifies women the way he does.  He has very little filter.  It was humiliating. During a triangulation I observed he felt very flattered by my heartbreak.  And dismissed it as a woman's "typical" jealousy.   I felt so confused by how he could make me feel so beautiful and then so undesirable at the same time.  He would say the craziest sh*t as he would try to desperately hold on to our relationship. Back and forth mixed messages. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. 

I am finding out that I am struggling with cognitive dissonance?  Something I have learned very recently.  I am still addicted to the lovebombing moments.  And our conversations where it seemed he would open up and become vulnerable. Things that he told me that pulls on my heart strings.  He also had a bit of clingy attachment style.  This man takes up most of my thoughts right now and I feel depression setting in.  I didn't have time while we were together to contemplate what was happening.  But it is crashing down on me now.  I do have a history of relationships with men who are narcissistic, but never quite to this degree.  It was short lived, but I just feel so crushed. 

[clara]

Hello, bluleaf.  I understand a lot of what you're talking about because for many years it seemed I attracted nothing but PD relationships.  I didn't understand them as PD because I was unfamiliar with the term.  I thought I was the one with the issue, not them.  In hindsight, I can now see their PDs plain as daylight, but back then I felt it was all me.  The "lovebombing" is one of the major give-aways.  PDs who use this technique I suspect use it and use it until they find the person it works on.  They evaluate a relationship based on its potential to fulfill their needs.  If you seem to fill the bill, they go all-in to win you over, knowing that once they hook you, you'll have a difficult time extracting yourself because one of the traits they're looking for in potential relationships is the willingness to take responsibility for the dynamics of the relationship--that person being you.  Once they find you, they don't want to let go until they're good and ready.  Breaking up is always their prerogative, not yours.  As long as you're providing them with supply, they hang on.  Sometimes the hanging on makes no sense, because sometimes they don't even seem to really like you, let alone care about you.  But they don't want to let go.   

You can't change their behaviors, you can only change your own.  Understanding their behavior is important, but understanding your own is more so. 

And as an aside, I'd be very leery of relationships that come out of 12-step groups.  I've been in such groups and I've witnessed predatory behavior on the part of some members who view other members as easy targets because they're in a vulnerable state.  People there can learn exactly what to say and how to say it in order to get you to trust them. 

[KFel024]

Dear bluleaf,

I can relate to a lot of what you said, minus meeting at a 12-step meeting.  We did meet at a bar, so probably not that far off.

I got seduced and sucked in by the love-bombing and sob stories as well.  It felt so good to think had finally met someone that really cared for and loved me for who I thought I was and also that was willing to open up and be vulnerable to me at the same time.

These helped me to ignore the red flags too.  Figured there was enough there to hold onto to and work with.  Silly me for being optimistic.

Am also going through depression and feelings of being crushed.  Hurts so bad to remember the good times and think what could have been.  Felt like all the stars had aligned and it was finally my turn to bask in the love light.

The good news I guess is that we found out sooner rather than later.  Really breaks my heart to read stories of others that go through similar trauma but that have children, or property or some other significant attachment/s to their partner.

In addition, as clara touched upon, please avoid building relationships via 12-step meetings.  It is one thing if you have enough time in and meet someone at a retreat or something, but not at a meeting.  I think they typically recommend to not start dating until you have a year in or something.