He set up a way out for me?

[Scythe]

Still together and living with my husband, who shows relatively mild symptoms of BPD. After reading "Whole Again," I've been laser-focused on mindfully reconnecting with my body during basically all my free time. My husband has supported and respected the work I'm doing to get better, because he doesn't want me to go on being emotionally numb. And he's been working on himself in the meantime, trying to recognize and manage the behaviors that were emotionally abusive to me (for example, he discovered the concept of splitting on his own, and it was an exciting lightbulb moment for him because he realized he did that a lot). Until today, when he said he thought his behaviors might not have been emotional abuse at all, because they came from a place of love and his "wanting ME to have more control in the relationship" all along. So he wants to ask our couples counselor if it wasn't actually abuse. Then, after I was honest with him last night about feeling like he was gaslighting me during our current discussion, he researched gaslighting and discovered that HE feels gaslighted by ME in "every single one" of our arguments or disagreements. He said today that he doesn't have the narcissistic or sociopathic characteristics that go along with gaslighting. I responded to the implication by asking if he thinks I'm a narcissist, which he didn't deny but instead just said that he's not in a position to diagnose that.

So, anyway, that's all backstory that's sort of beside the point. I was also honest with him yesterday about feeling like part of me may not be able to fully heal while we're still together (This is aside from the fact that I've been expecting the abuse cycle to start back up again and force me to leave). He was hurt and confused, but overall, he handled it pretty well. He's always been staunchly anti-divorce, saying he wants to stay married no matter what and throwing our Christian faith in my face a number of times. But he's also sick of feeling like I have one foot out the door, and never really knowing where I stand (I have kept divorce-related plans from him out of paranoia that he'd escalate and become unpredictable, but some of the truth has come out during our marriage counseling sessions).

Today, he spoke with my sister about whether or not I can stay with her for a while. And I'm shocked that he's basically sanctioning a separation. All I had said to him was that I was maybe having this feeling and that I was just trying to be mindful of it and planned to discuss it in my own individual therapy. It's just weird to me that he would take such swift and decisive action after a purposely vague discussion. Most or all of his decisions lately have been made in the name of keeping me married to him. I'm assuming he expects me to move back in after I'm feeling better. It may all be his way of controlling the separation process this time, as opposed to when I left him last year, which he completely did not see coming. And this way, he'll know where I am.

I'm experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions about it, including excitement about the possibility of getting out way sooner than I'd expected. But it feels weird that he's so okay with even a temporary separation, after months/years of being clingy and fearing abandonment. But I want to try to focus on taking care of myself and figuring out what's best for me, not focus on him and his intentions.

[Spygirl]

Imo,

He is trying his best to control the situation, which is YOU btw, and appear cooperative.

There is medication for his possible condition. I wonder if he would go to private couseling and  get on it?

This was the deal breaker in my marriage. I went to a phsych. After my nervous breakdown, and while separated, i addressed and corrected the items he said were my problem, why i was deserving of the abuse.

My request was that he join AA, and  see a private phsych. Which he REFUSED to do.

We had 3 marriage counseling sessions, and he said the male therapist was out to get him, so that was over. Would not read anything. Did nothing.


I am SO relieved to be almost divorced. My life has hardships, but my marriage was killing me, literally. The religious people have long since moved on from shaming and pressuring me to stay and be abused. Its not their life, they dont see what you live with, and cant possibly understand.

[Scythe]

Okay, yeah, he posted in our marriage counseling "room" (we're doing online counseling), and it was this huge, long post mostly about me and things I've done or said that have hurt him and/or our relationship, or things about me that worry him or make him feel bad for me. He takes responsibility for his reactions to everything, but it's still mostly about me. 99% of it is exaggeration of minor statements I've made offhandedly or in an attempt to be vulnerable and honest with him, or are things he thinks about me that I have verbally refuted to him multiple times in the past, which he apparently has forgotten about. He clearly thinks the opposite of your husband: that our female therapist is on his side. Makes me feel violated and thrown under the bus (which he was sure to say at the beginning that that's not what he was doing). But part of me also feels calmer and more at peace every time he does another disordered thing. It validates my instinct to get out.

[Spygirl]

You are suffering. You feel so spun around, confused, doubting. I have been there. Sometimes i still am. I do hope it continues to improve for you.

I started journaling, as requested and suggested by several people on this site. It was hard to do at the beginning, but i am so glad i did. It is amazing how many things have happened that are clearly abuse, and outrageous, that i have fogotten already!  So, whever i feel weak or sad or guilty, i crack open
That journal and start reading. It gives me strength, and grounds me again. Gives back confidence. I highly recommend it.