Support till she's 80 :)

[oak_tree]

Hi folks,

It makes me so sad to read all the stories here - so many are so similar, and they are so frustrating and unfair and horrible. Hugs to everyone who's dealing with bs.

The particular bs here (along with the parental alienation, that's a given), is that SO's uNPDex won't work. Her story, even the one that goes to the lawyers, changes with every communication – first it's that she can work and that she'll teach a specific course and she's taking the training for it (then she doesn't finish the training). Then it's that she can't work because she has to stay home with her teenaged son . Then she can't work because of her mental health.  Then it's because of her arthritis. Then it's because the job is too close to where SO and I live (I guess it's a good thing she doesn't realize how often I see her driving when I'm out biking - we live in the same neighborhood). And then she can't work because she has to tend to the animals (that she wanted) and the garden (?). And now she wants support until she's 80. Court hearing is coming up soon. Some irony here is that she'd be smart to take the lump sum SO's offering, then she could prove to SO she doesn't need him anymore, and that she never really did, and that "if she'd only had his support all these years, she'd have been the best xyz ever".  But she and the rest of us know the likelihood of follow-through by a covert narc is...minimal. It's much likelier that she'll just continue to play the victim, deep down, believing she doesn't have what it takes to make it. 

Alongside all of this is that she is alienating her only remaining dependent child (DSS. She has others from a previous relationship, and DSD who moved away).  DSS already makes disrespectful comments about her (which we try to handle with delicacy - we want him to know his frustration is being heard, while also making it clear that calling someone fat and lazy is not appropriate). DSD, who is "free of her mother's crazy", as she puts it, also makes disrespectful comments, though she puts on a brave face and takes a lot of abuse from her mom even from afar, and is still slightly fogged. But DSS is starting to complain that he's not allowed to do the things he wants to do. For example, his mom specifically stops DSS from doing a sport he loves on "her" time because it would mean he'd see his dad more. DSS also complains that he'll have to hide in his room to deal with her "upset" if he agrees to do anything more with us (beyond the time she has mandated).  The real irony is that if she would just let DSS go do what he wanted on her weekends, or let him do a few more things with her dad, she might not lose DSS. uNPDs really are their own worst enemy. She already alienated all her other children (DSD told me about conversations she'd had with her older siblings swapping war stories), and now it's just going to happen again with her last child. If she could only get herself together and show DSS she's strong enough to let him go do what he wants. DSS just thinks she's pathetic, keeping him with her, but is scared of her too, especially since she has threatened suicide. I'm so glad we can at least provide DSS with a stable household and that we can show him what an incredibly happy and loving relationship looks like.

It's so tiring, watching a kid get manipulated, and also seeing him drift further away from his mother when it all seems so preventable and unnecessary.

Thanks for reading, just wanted to share. Very grateful for this group and for the many other blessings around me.

OT

[verum71]

I feel your pain - yikes!  My BPDx won't work either.  At your last support hearing, my BPDx had her therapist draft a letter stating that she can't hold a job because "she gets frustrated, can't control her anger and starts yelling at people".  Her therapist showed up at the hearing and was going to speak on her behalf, claiming that even after 12 years of divorce, I continue to subject her to abuse. 
Ironically, in the last 8 years, all of our communication goes through Our Family Wizard - all of it.  I have had to call her on the phone maybe a half dozen times in the last 8 years.  I have adhered - religiously - to BIFF (Brief Informative Friendly and Factual) with all of our communications for the last 12 years. My point is - if there was any abuse, it would be very easy to find, but there isn't.   My youngest is soon to be 15 and I say to myself many times a day "just 3 more years".  I know the crazymaking won't go away when all of the kids are out of school, but co-parenting with a BPDx is next to impossible. 

Hang in there!!

[Penny Lane]

Lol what! No.

DH recently told me that during the divorce BM wanted him to agree to pay support for way longer and at way higher levels than what she was entitled to.

I'm sorry that she's pushing her kids away. That is very sad for her. But I think it's healthy for them to see her for what she is. That will save a lot of grief in the long run. And I think it's great that you're trying to help them navigate those feelings while holding boundaries around name calling - those are really good life lessons for them.

You're doing great! Keep it up!

[oak_tree]

Thanks PL and verum. Verum, do courts even listen to T testimony when there's nothing to back things up? Surely not...

I just realised how linked the two points are - the support and DSS drifting away from his mother. If she ends up getting lifelong support, that would confirm what DSS and the other kids suspect, that she was lying their whole life and that she did all her training courses just to avoid work, not to get work.  And the more she blames their dad, the more the kids see through it ("In her eyes, you can't do anything right", said DSD). It's so sad.  We know DSS is her caretaker, but he's actually less fogged than his sister. He made a comment yesterday about how pathetic it is when he has to bring his mother coffee in bed   

In happier news, we hosted a birthday party for DSS and it was great. He doesn't have many friends (smother has him in online school) but he played, chatted and joked easily with some old friends, and they had a blast. 

And to give at least a little credit where it's due - his mom did get DSS a game and some bike accessories for his birthday last week. Perhaps not as thoughtful as SO's presents but still, they were likely expensive, and spending money on someone else is a genuine sacrifice for her. It's her birthday next week and I'm on the fence as to whether to gently remind DSS about that 

[oak_tree]

So there's a mediation hearing soon - the lawyers, bless them, want to try to avoid court. Her demands are actually funny. I mean, her lawyer has her thinking they hold water, so that spurs her on, of course. SO's going in with an open mind but I'm guessing she'll be her usual irrational self and they'll go to court.

I know court would be miserable for everyone, especially DSS (though he has interestingly effective coping skills for now), and it would be better for the taxpayer, SO, and his uNPDstbx that they settle out of court, and for me too...

But I'm a glass-half-full kind of gal. Part of me wants to see the look on the face of the judge when they hear the whole narrative of the marriage.  No, I'm not getting my hopes up - I know the judge won't actually show surprise. But just hearing,  just HEARING the relationship narrative read out in court will be so vindicating. Also, her behavior being out in the open (court is public where we are, any documents can be obtained by anyone) would be satisfying. Everyone would see her. I know, some would still be fogged, but they'd see the cracks. The narrative of the marriage, spoken objectively without any judgement, damns her so much, it's pathetic  . The irony there is that she quite honestly believes (I think) that she hasn't done a thing wrong. So maybe she'll see court as a way of vindicating herself    

I have to keep reminding myself not to try to think like her - her brain is wired differently, and that's okay. Hopefully court will help her get herself back on her feet, because all evidence says she can't do it on her own.

PL, you gave me advice a while back to give this as little emotional energy as possible, or at least to understand the emotional exhaustion risks that come with being involved...thanks for that, your experience will serve me well.