(Trigger alert Porn) Experience requested - First attorney meeting

[Finding Grace]

Hi all ~
I found you 3 years ago as I started with 'chosen relationships', then moved to this forum last year when he said he wanted to divorce. I have been so busy taking care of everything household and child related, while he is working in another state. I went to a therapist and on the 4th visit, mentioned my husband's porn use, she visibly flinched and started distancing. I didn't go back. I was absolutely traumatized by him announcing this addiction, and him blaming me as the reason for it. I know logically that I didn't cause it but it's taken me 3 years to even type the word 'porn'. I have an appointment with a new therapist, they are so backed up right now...

I have an appointment with a mediation attorney. I am compiling financial information, etc. I have not worked for 20 years, and my children and I are dependent on his income. If it is on record that he has addiction, it will jeopardize his career

My question to those experienced: Should I divulge this to my attorney? Will it even matter? He is doing financial things that are not in good character that I will share with the attorney.

Please - give it to me straight - I do not want to ruin him but I am greatly concerned about my children's future, college, stability of home life, etc. Again, I have significant triggers on this subject, and I probably will start to pass out in the attorney's office if I address this. Any help is appreciated - TIA

[GettingOOTF]

Tell your attorney everything. They will use this information to get you the best settlement possible.

[pushit]

I agree with GettingOOTF - tell your attorney everything and be honest.  Your conversations between you and your attorney are private and confidential.  Once the attorney knows everything, then you decide what and what not to bring up.

[Jsinjin]

I agree with the opinions above.   Attorneys as a profession collect information and structure convincing arguments for their clients.   Knowing everything helps the attorney do their job to represent you.   


YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT OR IN ANY WAY TO BLAME FOR SOMEONE ELSE CHOOSING ANY ACTION OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL

Spouses do make mistakes, support each other, argue, have tough times and reconcile.   No one is forced by someone else to choose destructive behavior.   Ignore that argument and do not even address it in a JADE sense.

[1footouttadefog]

You should be able to do ulge all I fo to the Lawyer.  Then dosciss the pros and cons of all uses of that info. Your attorney should not oublucally reveal anything you say without your go ahead to do so.

Your spouses use of porn is no reflection in you and your values.  You should feel no shame in discussing it.  That you had. Therapist who flinched is amazing.  I would expect that from a Christian or other religious counselor who was working from a purely spiritual mindset perhaps but a liscensed therapist who has been through real world internships and training owth clinical oversite should be past that type of reaction.

I hope your new therapist is a little more down to earth and perhaps even a little gritty.

[Finding Grace]

Thank you for the responses, advice and support - you have helped me so much!

This journey over the past 3 years coming Out of the FOG has been mind blowing - raised by a narc mother, all these beliefs and treatments were so normalized to me. When I read back over my journals/notes, sometimes I can't believe what I was putting up with, trying to always 'keep the peace' and do 'damage control' for the family.

My attorney appointment was moved up a week and I am grateful to not have another week ruminating about it.

As the dust settles with my situation, I look forward to sharing more of this experience. Thank you all for the honesty and time 

[Free2Bme]

Finding Grace,

Lots of good comments from others here.  I agree that you should tell attorney everything and trust their professional judgement as to what will be used in court.  If you are in US, many times the approach varies based upon the judge assigned to your case.

I just want to say my heart goes out to you.  I too had not worked in 20 years (by agreement with H).  I stayed home with children, supported him in his career advancement, schooled kids, gave up my career (willingly), and was totally dependent upon him financially.  Going through this is so difficult for anyone, but I think being an at home mom adds another layer of difficulty.

Hopefully, your combined assets have been frozen so he cannot tamper with the numbers.

Don't give a second thought the flinchy T, it doesn't matter why she reacted that way.  Find another T and don't look back.  You have to conserve your emotional and mental energy for the important things.  Be good to yourself in little ways throughout the day.

You will get through this.  You will heal.  There is support here on this forum.

~sending strength and peace to you   

[1footouttadefog]

I am rebuilding after being a stay and work at home mom.

I hVe a friend who was staying at home with 4kids and H quit working when she had twin newborns
She found work and pumped so she could breastfeed still. He managed not to work much from there out then they moved to a trashed rent to own house with giant hole in the floor. He left when they had no lights on and no electric for well and wrecked he van  her borrowed from a friend van before leaving.

It's a very tough place to come up from.

[oak_tree]

Hi FG,
Glad you found this group and knew it was here waiting for you when the time came  I'm new, but these folks are great!
I'm really surprised and sorry to hear your T flinched at the mention of porn. It's certainly unprofessional - I really hope you find a good T soon.
I don't know about state law but a word of caution: I don't know that a porn "addiction" will actually do anything to his reputation, I suppose it depends on what work he does. It seems to me he could either deny the addiction or easily dismiss it as a "hobby" or "interest". I would be surprised if spending money on porn would be something that would ruin him, again, depends on his occupation and the state law. I just wouldn't count on it.
Sending best wishes.
OT