I know I need to GR...but...I can't help myself

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Okay, this is the bottom line:
I'm Out of the FOG
Divorce in the works
Slow because of covid
uSTBXBPH has emotionally and FINANCIALLY abused me
We are living in the same house - because (of course) he doesn't want to sell

I know I need to GC 100% of the time, I know this.
But....I get so frustrated - he doesn't regularly give me any money (or do anything else)
He shopped at Costco this week - first time in a year?  You'd think he just cured cancer.  I mean, really?  Big Deal.  You bought food.
Over the past 6 months, he's given me @$800.  That's it.
At times, I just loose it. 

Today, I confronted him about money.   You guessed it - it didn't go well.
I don't care about his name calling, denial, all that stuff.
I got the usual attacks - I'm crazy, I'll be lonely, I'm gay, etc...  whatever I don't care.
Honestly, I don't want him to get comfortable.  Because that is what he seems to me. 
He told me he will "camp out as long as it takes".  He wants most of the profit from selling the house. 
I want him to hate me so that he'll get this divorce going and agree to sell the house.

ADVICE -
Does GR serve the same purpose as my confrontations?
Does GR want him to leave because he can't control me? 
Does GR work because he knows that all of verbal abuse is useless?

As I'm writing this, I do believe that GR will achieve these results.  There will be no more drama, no more "fun" for him, it'll be boring.

Thoughts? 

[escapingman]

As long as he gets something he wants from you he will stay and delay, unless he sees he can get something better elsewhere. I have been doing MC and GR for almost 2 years with my STBX and as I am the financial provider she just won't leave. She complains all the time and threatens to leave but she never.

How come you have to ask him for money? Do you have a lawyer? If not, get one and sort this out. You can't live like this.

[notrightinthehead]

My NPDh got supply from confrontation.  When I stopped fighting, confronting, listening to him or responding to his accusations and abuse in any way, he started to look somewhere else.
From what you describe,  it seems your home situation is still comfortable for your partner. What can you do to make it less convenient for him? What can you do to make progress with what you want?

[Lauren17]

I would say that GR serves a better purpose than your confrontations. My guess is your anger is a source of supply for him. GR helps you to take that supply away.
Please note that as you consistently use MC and GR, he will increase his efforts. Which means you need to increase yours. Look up the term "extinction burst" That helped me to understand better what was going on.
The fact that he doesn't give you money sends up some flags for me. I second EMs advice regarding a lawyer. They can help with that.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you.  I will use GR.  I will 

I fully realized today that my confrontations fueled his need for drama.  Our son is a 11th grader, so I want to enjoy these next 2 years with him prior to college. I need to keep these 2 ideas front and center in my thoughts.

I am planning on meeting with my lawyer within the next few weeks.  Our first court date/meeting is not until February (thank you, Covid for slowing the courts).  I will discuss the money situation with her. 

He truly enjoys seeing me frustrated. How crazy it must be to live like that.

I just can't wait to live in a home without him.  I think about the peace I'll have; freedom; I can be myself fully.  It's hard to do that living with him.  I try; but it's hard.

[Lauren17]

It is hard.
You can do it.
Set your goal. Make a plan to get to your goal. (I think you've already done this)
Take it one day at a time.
Check in on your plan and goals when you're feeling desperate.
Reach out to Out of the FOG when needed. We know exactly what it's like.
Congratulate yourself every night for making it through another day.

[Timetogo]

I am right here with you.
The hoover extinction burst is painful. I want to snap but work very hard at MC/GR.
Financial abuse means I don't have funds to live separately.
Have a son who's a senior in HS and also being hoovered.
Hang in there.
I'm trying to take one day at a time.
We can do this!

[penguindectomy]

New member here, trying to learn all the short forms. GR = grey rock. What is MC?

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Medium Chill......I'm learning them too

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