All aboard the Flying Monkey express...

[Free2Bme]

I'm anticipating a painful and awkward encounter this weekend surrounding sons graduation, and trying to have a plan for how to handle it without incurring more conflict/loss.  I feel I need a plan.

DS18 is graduating, DD15 & DD21 and I will travel for his graduation on Thursday.  DS18 & DS20 live with updxh 6+ hours away.   
Updxh that will put on the dad of the year performance, while working behind the scene to divide and conquer.   He has invited my M and SF, he's groomed them for FM status.  I was discarded by M and SF after I divorced 4 years ago, they don't speak to me although they live near me. But, they keep up with updxh by phone, visits, and even vacationed with my kids and exH.    This is so very painful to have my mom do this, I am not angry, but I'm not able to move past the sorrow/loss yet.

DS18 is excited about his special day and spent an hour on phone telling me his ideas/requests for when we arrive: dinners together, meeting up at exH home for family photos, etc.  He is an intuitive son but he's in the FOG about F and doesn't understand the family dynamics.  He doesn't know that they have shunned and scapegoated me.  He doesn't know my pain.  I have contributed to this because I always smile and cover the anxiety and tears, and I don't complain. As far as DS is concerned, mom is fine.  I don't want anything to take away from DS 's occasion, so not the time to discus but I can't control the situation or these people.

DD21 does not even want to go at all because she doesn't want to see her F (or GP's), she expressed today that she has trauma from him to deal with.  DD15 is saucy, and will have no problem setting boundaries with F, but if DS18 hears this he will defend F (he;s the GC) and there will be conflict with kid 3 and kid 4.      

M will either ignore me or behave like she has done nothing wrong and expect me to act like nothing has happened (lies about me, siding with my exH, no support, denies facts).  But mom has some significant dementia and has cognitive issues, so she can't really be fully accountable.  She can't keep facts straight and is very pliable so SF and updxh have both influenced her negatively towards me.

I'm struggling against feeling a little like the guest of dishonor at my own sons graduation... and I have many more graduations, weddings, showers, etc. to go through with 4 children....UGH. 

I'm handling it well right now and processing it more as aggravation or frustration (which is what I do).  But below is a lot of pain, mostly with my mom and I will likely become anxious when we meet up.  Due to social distancing, they are grouping families together with assigned seating in the bleachers of the stadium, so we might be very snug.

Sorry for the long post.  Any wisdom would be appreciated.

                                            *Thankfully, our last name does not begin with an 'X, Y, or Z'  !

[Hopeful Spine]

I have zero wisdom for you but I wanted to leave a message with admiration of how you describe the situation and even make fair allowances for others (such as your mother not being fully accountable due to dementia).  You sound very strong.

It seems like you may need to start a game plan for truth and boundaries.  However I agree with you that your son's graduation weekend is not the time to do this.  Sending you good vibes for peace and hopefully a little of enjoyment as you celebrate your son.

[Andeza]

You understand yourself and what causes you trauma, which means you understand that this occasion is probably going to produce anxiety and stress and extremely uncomfortable (understatement I know) situations. I can't think of any way to ease the discomfort of the moment, but I think that since you know it's going to negatively affect you, you should plan to do all the things that help ground you, center you, calm you, and heal you after the fact. Maybe take an extra day or two off work and spend the time at home taking care of yourself, reading or doing whatever it is that you like to do to relax.

Good luck. 

[UglyLove666]

My response in in tandem with Hopeful Spine, in that I do not have wisdom to share with you but I am in awe of your strength and ability to cope and survive this situation for as long as you have had to. It takes a very strong person to manage all these dynamics, and I can completely understand the sadness you feel below the surface. The only silver lining of this tragic pandemic is the distancing aspect- for me, at least. It's given my DH and I the much needed space from his MIL that I have craved for years.

I loved what Andeza shared in terms of planning to nurture yourself in ways that serve YOU!

I have been NC with my FOO because of my own mother (primarily) and sometimes I get anxiety over future contact from them, since my nieces and nephew all range in ages between teenage years to early adulthood. "Emotional rollercoaster" barely skims the surface in terms of feelings.

Take care of you. You deserve to be happy and at peace. Easier said than done- I know - but hold onto that truth as much as you can and know that many people understand your pain. You are not alone.

[moglow]

Suggestion: Can you and the DDs sit separately from the ex and GPs, at least above/behind or with a somewhat neutral person between you? Don't make an issue of it, but try to not sit next to either your parents or the ex. They can be as mad as they want - not your stuff. You're there for and with your son, not them.

[Spygirl]

I just want to send you a hug for all this. It sounds so difficult. I cant imagine your pain. I hope that in time your relationships will improve as children become more independent  and life experienced.

[hhaw]

I was talking to my T today about frustration and lack of patience, which she said ties back into anger.

Anger, she went on to say, is a very useful powerful force used to protect ourselves, and others.

If you sit with this thought.... of your parents or your ex..... just hold the thought, then turn and face it in your mind... what do you see?

We did this today, and each time the thought, for me, moved away, got very small and disappeared.... from my emotions and body.  The emotional charge left... it became nothing.  It was nothing, if I gave it attention,  without judgment. 

T calls this resting in awareness and using Lion's Gaze when we turn and examine something like that.  It's a very powerful act to dispel something we feel is happening TO us, or is going on inside or around us... that we can't control.

The truth is.... it's nothing.  It doesn't exist.... we give a nothing energy, and tell a story about it... we keep it going OR we take charge and examine it with dispel it.

This helps us gain control over our minds.   We can let it drag us all over the place, keep us activated and reactive, with zero control OR....

we can practice Lion's Gaze, turn and examine our thoughts, particularly the troubling ones, and learn to dispel them consistently.

Doing this gives us access to our frontal cortex/integrated brain, which gives us access to logic, reason, creativity and problem  solving skills.

Access to those things widens our gaze..... helps us get our noses off those very tough to deal with pebbles, and SEE the entire field.  Perspective, spaciousness is our friend.

The ability to manage our difficult emotions is certainly our friend.

Breathing in slowly and out slowly..... paying very close attention to our breath..... what's going on inside our body.... what we feel.... they're all helpful tools in calming our nervous systems, taking back our hijacked biochemistry, and gaining more choice... the ability to response, instead of react.

I'm guessing being present, for your 18yo graduating son, is the priority for you.  Keeping your focus on your lovely dd, and that son would be where I'd want to BE. 

I'd find my happy place, if you don't have one yet, and practice BEING there,  and breathing mindfully, leading up to this ceremony.  When we think of being somewhere, our brains actually BELIEVE we're there.  Our biochemistry responds.  We can manage our emotions or suffer less if we practice,  IME.

If you get so upset you can't focus on your breathe, push on the bathroom wall in a stall... as hard as you can while focusing on breathe.  Hopefully that will calm you enough to breathe with focus again. 

Letting the ex and your parents rob you of joy, during your ds18's happy day, is something you might be able to mitigate a good deal, IME.

In any case, congrats and do try to leave ds18 out of the conflict.  Talk to your dd if you need to, but try to keep your sense of humor.... it helps, IME. 

Oh...  and remember.  The happier you seem, the more chapped your ex will be, so smile, enjoy your kids and giggle with your dd every chance you get. 

Extend the relationship you want to have... while protecting yourself mindfully,  but don't let the PDs take ONE MORE THINGS from you, if you can help it.

This too shall pass. 

You're modeling poise, emotional distance, graciousness in the face of small judgmental minds, and you're grabbing all the joy you can, which is important to focus on, and teach children, IME. 

Good luck, and congrats to ds18,

[Free2Bme]

I spoke with T today, he had some suggestions, equally helpful are the kind words and validation given here.  I think I am ready for this. 

Hopeful~   Whew,.. I certainly don't feel strong in fact , kinda embarrassed, I want to be so far beyond where I am.  I'm fortunate I don't have to deal with an ex's SO (yet), as some do, it really could be a lot worse.  Truth and boundaries are long overdue, I feel la lot stronger than last year at this time.  I am motivated/inspired that I can be doing good for my DDs (and DS's) by modeling what is healthy.  This might the only way to bring good out of this situation.

Adenza, It's true, it will be stressful, but I can plan for relaxation afterward!  That is something I don't often do for myself.

Beingnice, thank you for the encouragement.  Sometimes, I can't get my mind around how I got to this place.  In the past, I have blundered into situations I thought were safe only to find out I was being set up by ex to be on receiving end.  Other times, I have worried and the 'worst' never happened.

Moglow,  I will try and influence seating arrangement, especially for DD21's sake, she's more sensitive at the moment.  I decided I will decline the dinner invite, my girls may choose for themselves, I'll offer transportation though if they want to meet up.  DS might be miffed, but the reality is that we are not one family anymore.

Thank you Spygirl for the kind words, yes I want healing for my children, so hard to sort through this stuff while waiting on maturity/experience.

[Free2Bme]

hhaw,
I'm only now attempting the breathing practices, but it is not habit yet.  When I do, I perceive the change of tension level in my chest.

When you say,
"We did this today, and each time the thought, for me, moved away, got very small and disappeared.... from my emotions and body.  The emotional charge left... it became nothing.  It was nothing, if I gave it attention,  without judgment."

I'm understanding you to say that you are separating thought and feeling, then examining the thought in isolation without the emotion.  Then, it became in proper perspective and unable to hijack your senses.  Is this accurate?

I do have that 'happy place' I go to, I do it for myself mostly.  If exH notices that I am cheerful and not destroyed, then that's a bonus.   I am cordial, but that's it.  No small talk at all, no eye contact.  Hi and bye.

[hhaw]

F2BM:

The Lion's Gaze is not doing anything, really, except noticing a thought.....
turning to look at it....
and noticing what we see, feel, etc.

Just dropping all judgment around it, and noticing. 

Nothing else. 

Hint...  there's nothing there.

Actually turning, in our mind, to look at something internal,  isn't too hard if we practice.   It;s the same with breathing,  and noticing what we feel in our bodies.  It feels like a wonky tool in our hand, difficult to focus on and use, but if we do it..... things shift. They get easier.  Eventually they start paying little magical dividends we didn't anticipate, which is amazing. 

I hope that makes sense.

You're certainly with the self-compassion  and self-care, which you're also modeling for your children: )