I think she needs more [Plot twist]

[Poison Ivy]

My mom has been eager (nearly begged) for surgery and painkilling medications but has been much less enthusiastic about rehab, exercising, and using a hearing aid and devices to assist with her vision. It's very frustrating.

[moglow]

Same here, from what Ive experienced with her.  Mother's very much of the "take whatever pills they give you and deal with the fallout" generation. She doesn't discuss uncomfortable, limiting or life altering side effects - it was prescribed so take it she must. We've tried to talk to her about some of the more concerning problems, but no. Oh but it says that might happen! Well yeah but maybe something else will help you and not have to have yet another two or three to cope with side effects... No. He prescribed it, so here we are. She's so caught up in "this is a social visit" that what she needs them for isn't always covered.


Change to a better diet? Make small changes to the house and/or her surroundings to help her living conditions? Actually work through and give things a chance rather than "one size fits all" mentality? Ask for or accept actual help where it's needed? Nope. She sits and complains. Period. Okay then, there you sit.

[moglow]

FYI - doctor requested home health evaluation, they met with md at her house last week. Very vague contradictory synopsis she/md provided to brother.

Supposedly home health "admin person" led with diagnoses of leukemia and diabetes... Um. Really. First off you'd think a nurse or PA would conduct said eval, not necessarily "admin person". Just a few  weeks ago md had followup visit for blood work with doc, they advised everything "within normal limits" AND specifically discussed referral for joint replacement surgery.

But... Leukemia ? Diabetes? She did provide dietary guidelines (much needed and hopefully get md out of that processed prepackaged crap she eats!) but no discussion of treatment options for supposed issues?  I wonder if they said ANemia, possibly even *borderline* diabetes.

Drama much?   

[moglow]

I don't know if it comes across, but all of this information is coming from a remove, like an "it's finally, honestly not my stuff" remove. She's gonna do what she's gonna do and I don't have a dog in that particular hunt. There's no desire on any level whether to delve for further information or attempt to fix any of her stuff. I've become a fairly disinterested by-sitter. How disappointed she'd be. But me? I'm grateful.

[bloomie]

I don't know if it comes across, but all of this information is coming from a remove, like an "it's finally, honestly not my stuff" remove. She's gonna do what she's gonna do and I don't have a dog in that particular hunt. There's no desire on any level whether to delve for further information or attempt to fix any of her stuff. I've become a fairly disinterested by-sitter. How disappointed she'd be. But me? I'm grateful.

There is a thread in Working on Us that asks the question: "How do we know we have moved forward." You have answered that question so well right here. Truly, this is a huge realization. She is gonna do what she is gonna do. And you are all like

[moglow]

Cynical mo says md threw those "diagnoses" out as bait, thinking we'd panic, dramafest would ensue and we'd [obviously] circle the wagons or some such. Far from it. And truly, not that many years back that's exactly what would have happened, I'd have melted down all by my ownself and been spinning. I'm not sure she's even aware that brother doesn't even communicate with the other two, or that his with me aren't typically about her.

I suspect this is somewhat of an awful realization for her if she can even get there, that not one person is panicked at the thought - she's truly made herself a nonentity in our lives.

Yeah, Bloomie. Bit of an internal celebration here, celebrating my recovery.

[sandpiper]

Heya Mo. Stepping back is a smart move - cue the cautionary tale which is all about meeeeee...  I just logged in for the first time in ages because we are having to pick up after 92yro uNPD FIL who has finally been removed, under protest, to live in a nursing home because he can no longer manage at home. Over 6 months in hospital waiting for them to find a place for him. Argh. So guess who got to be the lucky muppet left with the job of scrubbing the mould off the walls of his apartment & getting it presentable for sale? Yup, the DIL that they never wanted - and they told me so the first time they met me, well over 30 years ago. A few years into the abuse while I was still trying to set boundaries and persuade DH to open his eyes to it, I said to him 'I bet when your parents fall off the perch nobody else will want to go near them and I will be the dumb sucker who ends up having to sort out their sh*t.' Well...that day has come  I tried really hard to keep out of it but DH is really busy & away interstate for work, a lot, and his brother just will not do it. If we don't sell his apartment we'll have to foot the bill for his care. It's been horrible. So all I can say is, Sister, I am in the trenches beside you and I know how hard this is. Yesterday my BIL's wife sent a memo saying that she hopes DH and I are keeping receipts for the expenses and for anything that we buy for FIL. We have spent thousands out of our own pockets in the last few weeks getting his apartment up to scratch for sale. DH was away for work & I couldn't access FIL's account so I just used ours. I bought new bedding for him because the coverlet that he insisted on taking from his home to the nursing home was mouldy, stained, the polyfil exposed from being worn and aged (looks like rats have been eating it but I know it's just that it's forty years old) - and he refused to use the new bedding that I bought him, because *reasons* that make no sense, so he's insisting on using this horrible freaking rag of a thing.  Oh, the stories I could tell, just from the last few months of dealing with his BS. Anyway, the plus side to all this is that my BIL & SIL and their adult children have finally managed to behave so horribly that the last of the scales have fallen from my DH's eyes and he's agreed with me that we have to set up our own affairs so that his family NEVER have any power over our care, when our time comes. We are quietly revising our wills next week so that the locusts cannot descend upon the good people who are our designated executors and beneficiaries of our estate. We have Family of Choice & basically we have three 'nieces' who belong to dear, lifelong friends, who can be trusted to behave with ethics and empathy when our time comes. We just cannot have them exposed to the behaviour that comes out of DH's family. Anyway at least he still has his sense of humour. DH  said that the first invoice he's sending SIL is for the haemorrhoid cream he had to go out to buy his father yesterday, with a  side note about how much fun it is to be called out of a construction meeting to go down to the chemist and then have to deliver that, because of the long wailing phone call about, 'my bum hurts'. There is a nurse in the home and a chemist next door to the nursing home but no, DH had to do it, because *reasons* that make sense only to FIL. Seriously. SIL is probably the pick of them but clearly she's already thinking about FIL's money as being her own (they are wealthy and don't need anything) and so she's resentful about us paying for cleaning and service costs. DH and I spent three days fighting with the mould on the bedroom walls before we admitted defeat and we called in a spelunking team to hit it with industrial grade chemicals. Even the real estate's cleaning team were horrified by the caked on filthh in that unit. She's also antsy about coughing up for tradesmen's fees. The building is old so there were safety things that had to be brought up to code like, um, let's see - smoke alarms. And this one was a fun discovery. After the carpet cleaners had gone through it, I walked in to the ensuite & yelled out 'Hey DH my socks are wet, there must be something leaking in here.' DH 'Oh yeah I forgot. Dad said he didn't ever use the ensuite bathroom because the cistern is leaking.'    His father hasn't lived there since October. No wonder there was so much GD mould. (East coast of Oz so we've had an epic wet season to add to the mould spores) Anyway...this sh*t will make you crazy so good on you for practicing self-care and stepping a safe distance back. RE: the woozy doctor love, I think it's just part of their all or nothing distorted views. FIL is a horrible racist and so all we ever hear is that the health staff at the hospital and now at the nursing home don't know what they're doing because of their skin colour. You could send in a bicycle repairman to take his blood pressure and so long as the dude had sufficiently Aryan features, FIL would think they were better qualified than the perfectly qualified people of colour that, god help them, are currently tasked with his failing health. Honestly Mo, it's bad enough for ordinary folk to get old but when it's a PD parent - and there are PD family in the mix, who will only ever step in to start fires and cause trouble - it is a freaking nightmare. Big hugs to you. Sending love. And some very loud shrieks of the 'Run Away!' Variety. Xxxx

[moglow]

Sandpiper I read your post several times and once again see md all over the damned place. She's done little to no upkeep or repair of her house in years, just sits and complains to all and sundry about "conditions" without ever addressing anything. When bro has someone in to work, she's constantly in the way or trying to waylay them into "but what about this over here..." and nothing really got done. He's mentioned several relatively minor things she's just let go and never mentioned, seems to imagine someone will fix or take care of somehow magically knowing what she needs. Even bedding that's so worn and ancient that it's not only threadbare but deteriorating. It HAS to be uncomfortable if nothing else, but she says nothing. [And has it even been washed and when if she can't walk to her washer and dryer??? shudders] Guess she can just lay there in it then. This coming from a notorious bedding snob - I live for a crisp and clean and fresh bed and WILL make it happen so I can freaking sleep!! Can't imagine what the hell she's thinking.

And the bigotry with her? Same. Fine then, die or get over it but there's plenty of very well trained and competent people out there to provide and take care of us all. Their external self [or their sexual proclivities] has Not.One.Thing to do with the care and services they provide. Get over yourself and let them do their thing to help you already! No? Well again, you're in it by choice then. Good luck with that.

But yeah, my rudder is steering me far far away.

@bloomie

Your description of MD toward docs and 'special' people is so similar to the little one (as I call uPDmil) that my mind is blown. Add another pea to that pod! Watching the lengths the little one will go to in order to 'capture' the attention of a doctor, or minister, anyone deemed important, is very sad, ugly, and honestly, so self deceptive it is disconcerting.

Bro told me the other day that after at least two of their most recent "visits" as they were leaving the office she told him, Remind me next time to ask/tell them about ... Dude. You were JUST in there, we've not even left the parking lot! Why did you not ask about it, and how am I to keep track of all these questions for you?? It's not a social experiment, you're paying them for exactly that! But no, she giggles and coos like a teen girl over the high school quarterback then complains when they leave about actual medical things she didn't get to say. He did say that some of it appears to be psych/mental capacity review, where they ask actual questions and she totally fails to focus long enough even to acknowledge the question much less provide a coherent answer. She goes off on her own rabbit trails, no breadcrumbs in sight anywhere. But she's good at the act, still coming across as that sweet little old lady who's all alone ... guarandamntee they have no idea she actually has four children, not just the one.

But the good news? He's had her property placed in a trust with her in a lifetime deed. He can now take care of [and pay for] necessary repairs without as much interference and more importantly she can't sell or reverse mortgage it out from under him, leaving us responsible for nursing home care if it comes to that. HUGE weight off with that at least.

[xredshoesx]

just catching up.  the deed idea is the best thing moving forward for sure.  like others have said, taking that step back is the sign that you've made progress.

[monamurre]

Am I getting this correct, she said an administrative person diagnosed her with leukemia during a home visit? If so, who does your mom think she is fooling with that little piece of manufactured drama? You are probably correct in surmising what was actually said was ANEMIA.....but good grief, the lengths they will go to.

It remind me of one of our last visits with my mom. She was trying to manage her out of control dog to walk it between the outdoor pen and the house. Thing is she only had one of those 20 foot retractable leashes, and it wouldn't retract anymore. So the dog is running circles around her, the car, etc. tangling everyone up and flipping her out. I sensibly suggested we get a shorter, sturdier leash to minimize the drama. She dropped the dog leash and wailed, "I only have $3 dollars to my name!!!". I had literally hours before activated a new bank card for a shared account which had tens of thousands of dollars in it. She had always had access to this account (minus the two weeks in which she couldn't figure out how to activate the card). To this day my daughter and I use "only $3 dollars" as a code phrase for "ridiculous behavior".

[moglow]

Yep, what you said. Not another word has been said about it Monamurre. She's not shared that beyond my brother. Tells me she threw it out there thinking to send us all scrambling, and no one did a thing. Her "test" failed. IF it had been said, any reasonable person would understandably be on her doctor's doorstep in a panic demanding explanation. As far as we know she's done and said *nothing*. She supposedly called them but didn't get  a call back and just dropped it? Riiiiight. Unreal. 

[sandpiper]

Mo, they are just maddening.
Before FIL landed in hospital, the efforts that FIL went to in order to try to portray DH (golden son) as being neglectful was just infuriating. Eventually all of the visiting carer staff would figure it out and they'd leave him and need to be replaced. And it would be from things like wailing that he didn't even have bread and milk and he couldn't have lunch or a cup of tea - so DH would drop everything to hike down there, always when the traffic was at it's freaking worse - only to find a full sack of bread and two litres of milk in the fridge in plain view. FIL wasn't losing it - he'd just spent twenty five years watching MIL hone her craft with the poor bugger me games.
It is a really good move ensuring that she can't self-destruct financially.
Monamurre - re the 'I only have three dollars to my name!' DH had a similar saying about my uBPDsister, who married a drug lord and lived in luxury for the better part of twenty years till he freaked out about the likely *consequences* of his career choice & killed himself. Sis used to wail 'I haven't been on a holiday for X amount of years' - the date of the No Holidays starting from when she had her first child. DH got so sick of hearing this that one of the final times he heard it, before the gift of NC, he said 'Yeah? Tell her to show us her passport.'
I'm still waking up in a state of pure rage some nights from the BS I've had to deal with over recent weeks - the build-up of thirty-five years of their crap - because it is just so hard to set boundaries with them while actually trying to be a decent human being who does the right thing.
They really are just off the charts with the stuff that they pull, and as they get old and genuinely have problems - in addition to the ones they manufacture - it really is just a freaking nightmare.
Sending hugs to you all.

[Cat of the Canals]

Sis used to wail 'I haven't been on a holiday for X amount of years' - the date of the No Holidays starting from when she had her first child.

Ahh, another gem from the PD playbook, I see. PDmil loves to wail, "I NEED A VACATION!" or complain "We've only been camping three times this summer!" For more context, she's retired and could go camping or go on vacation whenever she wants year round. Her husband still works full time AND his job requires frequent mandatory time over weekends. So it's his fault she has only gone camping three times. 

[moglow]

Near as I can figure mother had some expectation that if I traveled, naturally I'd take her with me. I mean I was going to see her son and grandchildren so obv she should go with. Never mind that she never showed an interest in invitations to special events OR that after a road trip with her many years ago, I told her flat out that was the last time. 

During her epic rant last year that was one of the things she flung at me, that I went to visit and never told her I was going. Like Cats mother, she was retired for many years and never bothered herself, why should I drag her along now? In her mind I prevented her from going and that's how she presented it to others, that it was my fault she didn't go

[Sneezy]

Ahh, another gem from the PD playbook, I see. PDmil loves to wail, "I NEED A VACATION!" or complain "We've only been camping three times this summer!"

Ugh, samesies    My mom called me this morning, all in a huff, because one of my siblings is planning a trip to Hawaii.  Mom was just ranting about how she has never been anywhere other than Canada (no offense to any Canadians on here, it's a lovely country  ).  The truth is, Mom has been on several vacations, all over the US and Canada.  No, she has never been to Hawaii or anywhere abroad, but that's not anybody's fault but her own.  If she wanted to travel, she would have.  I'm so tired of her implying that I (and/or my sibs) should be taking her with us whenever we go anywhere.

[moglow]

I used to mention I went here or there and when she bothered to show any interest at all, it was all about her NOT being invited. Dude. All I've heard for years is how bad your knees are and you're in excruciating pain and having trouble getting around, whinging about how tired you are. AND you're not good company on the best of days. So no, I didn't invite you. And I won't be doing it in future either.

[Cat of the Canals]

They really do have the mentality of children. "No one ever takes me anywhere!" "Why didn't I get to go?" "It's not faiiiiiiir!" 

[sandpiper]

In the early years with DH, we booked a little beach shack that we loved to go to as a weekender, but this time, for Xmas. MIL kicked up a huge stink that she wanted to join us. It was a studio with a sleepout and an outside freaking toilet but she wouldn't actually hear the 'no room at the inn' argument, so DH & I booked them a suite at a really nice set of holiday apartments 2km away. When they turned up, they complained about EVERYTHING in their very nice apartment. For the entire week they would sleep there but they'd front up to our shack at 7am expecting to be fed, watered and entertained, and they wouldn't leave till 10pm. Jeebus I'd almost forgotten that one. Thanks for the reminder, I needed to pull that one out of the crypt as a warning for what uBPDsis is going to become. As DH said during one of my sister's confected dramas, OMG Piper, your family make mine look like Amateur Hour. 
I don't know why they have to take holidays and make them a nightmare but that's what MIL set out to do. I will never understand why.

[moglow]

Plot twist update -

Bro outed mother's boyfriend/nurse practioner, and she's now MAD. He said last week's appointment was yet another discussion of - wait for it - the cookies and brownies she might bring them "later." They'd once again waited for an hour before Mr NP deigned to come in, and were told they will "always wait an hour before seeing him" which didn't sit well with Bro. Why are they waiting an hour - are they awaiting test results, some direction from the doctor? No one seems to know, certainly no one provides any explanation. No one was in reception when they signed her in, no one came out and only one other patient came in. But i digress ...

The NP seemed to be confused why mother was there, since her last appt when they went over lab results with him was just a few weeks before. This even though no one had yet responded to or discussed with her the supposed leukemia and borderline diabetes diagnoses home health had dropped on her. She was told they don't discuss results over the phone and thus an appointment was made for her. [Side note: it seems she's already cancelled the home health visits, says she doesn't need all that.] Brother piped up with that little reminder and NP got very defensive quickly.

During all this mother is making side comments and trying to draw conversation back to herself and the cookies and brownies she's planning to bake. [snarky side note: she's no chef. We're talking box mixes, and even then it's questionable given her tendency to substitute ingredients.] Still no recognition of the fracas taking place in front of her, or that this is another actual doctor's appt that she's trying to waylay into her usual social visit. Bro has seen several of these the past few months and he's DONE. The NP continues to pander to mother while Bro interjects with actual medical questions, preventive care, they'd like a copy of most recent lab results etc. NP told him in no uncertain terms that he considers her a non-compliant patient since she cancelled the home health yet he STILL didn't answer any of Bro's questions, and she'll need to find another provider. Bro asked for a copy of her chart and the NP declined, said her new doctor would have to set all that up. Thank you and good day sir.

They leave and mother started mumbling about how to explain all this at her next appointment, that Bro owes them an apology [for asking actual medical questions?]. Bro repeats to her what just took place, and she lost it. Cried about "what have you doooooone to meeeee??!!! What do I do nowwwwwww??" We make you an appointment with someone else, that's what. It's not the end of the world. Maybe it's past time someone reviewed all the medications you're on, what you can do without by way of diet and lifestyle changes instead of yet another prescription.

Then he tells me what an unpleasant person she is, how she turns every interaction into a drama, that she'd already called him twice that day "to vent", picked fights and talked over him no matter what he said or that he's trying to answer her questions. Huh. Fancy that. Who'd've thunk it.  I reminded him that life's too short and nobody needs that mess. There are reasons she no longer talks to the rest of us, why we don't call her ...

[xredshoesx]

it's so hard to see that validation for you in the same frustration your brother is feeling with your mother's behaviors.  i hope the next doctor has better boundaries for everyone's sake.