Disrespect From My Son

[Kat54]

I am reminded today of the disrespect my son has been accustomed to showing me. He's a great young man of 27, getting engaged to a wonderful young lady who he's been dating for the last 8 years.
He has major fleas from his father or maybe this is now who he is from seeing how his father treated me. Verbal abuse and treated me with a lot of disregard. My son has never been verbally abusive to me but he's pretty darn mean to his sister. But he's show his bad side in other ways.
I remember when he was young and we were talking about college and getting an education. I went to art school and got a bachelor's in fine art. Went on to be a fine artist but also an art director for a publishing company. I've been lucky to have a nice career. Though he would say to me because and he got this from his father, art school wasn't real college. Or when I would cry and get upset with his father he said I had no back bone and I was overly sensitive.

Today I had to speak to my ex about a mutual friend who is sick. And my ex brought up about our son getting engaged. He hasn't popped the question yet as he wants to pick a day when both families can be there. I had said to my son the end of June I have an art festival, which on those days he was thinking of asking her. I had to apply for this festival and worked hard to get into it. He said he would pick another day, maybe the following weekend. My ex tells me tonight he's going to do the engagement on the day of my art festival weekend. So my ex says how sorry he is I won't be there, though I know once again he's gloating at how he's going to be there to see our son after they get engaged and again I'm not.
This has happened before, it's always the three of them and I'm an after thought. I'm so heart broken. I try hard to see them, ask them to come up to my home for Sunday dinners.
The relationship with my son has gotten better since the divorce but then there is a setback.

How do I handle this. I will be the only family member not there. All of his girlfriends family will be there, his friends. It's a party after the engagement that is the thing these days. While I would like him to change his plans he's an adult and it's his engagement.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry that once again they are going to exclude you and give you such pain. I am amazed about all that fuss about popping the question, but then that probably just shows how old I am.
It seems to me that you have no good choices here. You could give up your art festival and gate crush a gathering where you might feel like an unloved puppy running after a bone. Or you could go to the art festival and not enjoy it because your mind is at the engagement thing.
Don't you think that a break from all that interaction with your ex could do you good? He seems very much in your life, even if you don't live together anymore. Don't you think you make it easy for your kids to disregard you? Maybe it's just an old habit, maybe it's more. If it is, then good luck to the future fiancée!
Whatever you decide to do, and I hope you choose to do something that will bring you happiness, I send you a big hug.

[Kat54]

I don't see my ex often. And rarely speak to him. It's my kids who ask me to "do things as a family" once in awhile, which I do for them. And he is unfortunately still very enmeshed with my family. He lives right next to my sister as he bought me out of the house I couldn't afford to keep. 

If I never saw him again that would be fine as well. I try and keep the peace but meanwhile behind the scenes I have heard he's said some pretty horrible untruthful things about me.

I've called my kids out on the way they have treated me in the past and how hurtful it is. Things get better but then here we are at another setback. Left my son a message on his phone and said we need to speak about his upcoming engagement plans and if I have to call back please pick up the phone. He will then get an earful from his mother.

[Leonor]

Hi Kat,

I imagine that this must be excruciating, to feel like you are shut outside watching everyone inside having a wonderful time and building special family memories together.

Kat, as your children's mother, your issue is not with your kids. It's with your ex. He sounds like someone who is trying to continue to control you through ingratiating himself with the people you want to be close to. That way he can pull your strings and upset you even though you are no longer married to him.

Kat, you need some boundaries with this man. You are divorced. Dee-vorced! You cannot control where he lives or who he talks to or what he says, but you can sure as heck bodycheck him the heck out of your backyard. Have you heard of Suzanna Quintana? She's awesome. You'll love her. She speaks to the ex wives of narcissist men and she is so gentle and strong and clear in that he is the problem and "you are still that girl."

Getting clear on boundaries with your ex may help you get clear on boundaries with your sister and adult children. She does not need to fill you in on what your ex says about you. Your children do not need to hear you complain about your current or former intimate relationship with their father. No wonder your son is inviting all and sundry to his engagement - there are no boundaries in your families!

And Kat, if you truly do want to salvage a relationship with your adult son, please do not insist he call you so you can chide him for not including you in his engagement plans! It's his engagement. It's his life. And it's for his fiance. He does not have to plan his special event making sure that Mommy does not feel left out.

Instead, go to the art fair. Celebrate your creativity and freedom with friends. And raise a champagne glass to your son, his beloved and the start of their new life together!

[Poison Ivy]

Kat, I would be upset if I were in your situation, too.

[Kat54]

Thanks all for the advice. True, boundaries are non existent with my ex and family, of course myself included.
It's my sons special time and we spoke and it's all good. He's a grown adult and he is thinking of his future fiancé and what's good for her and that weekend is the right time. I would never expect anything less. The mom son relation has shifted. I'm not his "mommy" anymore and I must take a back seat as the primary person in his life.

The boundaries though and my ex I'm not sure how to fix. He's very enmesh with my family. Sometimes I'm ok with it and many times I'm not.

[Leonor]

Hi Kat,

Well excuse me a moment as I try to stop crying just thinking about the day when I will no longer be The First Lady in my sons' lives. I still remember bringing home my oldest as a newborn and bursting into tears realizing that one day he would leave. "Yeah, in 18 years!" my non-postpartum dh said. Well, those 18 years have passed, and it SUCKS!!!

There was an old Peanuts cartoon in which Lucy would walk by Linus and push down in his head. When Charlie Brown asks what Lucy is doing, Linus says, She thinks if she does that I won't grow bigger than she is.

I admit, at times, to pushing down on my boys' tousled crowns, where I spent so many late night hours inhaling baby shampoo, and wishing it would work.

Your son is lucky to have such an understanding and generous mom, who is modeling health and self care for him. Plus you've achieved so much in your art and creativity! That's amazing! Getting into an art fair is a lot of work!! 

Meh if your family mentions ex, tune out, um-hum, gotta go, spaghetti is boiling over, bye. That's a whole 'nother level of nonsense.

But good for you, for breaking a cycle!!!!

[bloomie]

Thanks all for the advice. True, boundaries are non existent with my ex and family, of course myself included.
It's my sons special time and we spoke and it's all good. He's a grown adult and he is thinking of his future fiancé and what's good for her and that weekend is the right time. I would never expect anything less. The mom son relation has shifted. I'm not his "mommy" anymore and I must take a back seat as the primary person in his life.

The boundaries though and my ex I'm not sure how to fix. He's very enmesh with my family. Sometimes I'm ok with it and many times I'm not.

Kat54 - from a daughter in law of a woman who could/will not ever accept that her son loves me more than her may I just say that you win the day! There is nothing more destructive and painful in a new marriage than a mother who refuses to step back and honor the love and respect her son has for the woman in his life. BRAVO!!!

I was wondering... is there anyway you could FaceTime and be a part remotely? Or, will someone video it for you and you can invite them out of over for a special dinner to watch together and toast, possibly offering them a beautiful piece of art you created for them?

Something I have learned when excluded from celebrations, or when another's timing truly doesn't work for me is to find another way/time to honor and celebrate. It accomplishes many things, but most importantly begins to subtly signal that you are and your ex are separate and sweet and important moments can happen and will solo with you and your children and their families.

At the same time, having to miss being in person for this wonderful event is hard and I imagine a longing to be there is deep and painful. Sending you comfort and peace and hoping your event is wonderful and filled with joy so that both you and your dear son and dil have a beautiful day!

[Kat54]

Thank you Bloomie, my son said he would like to have a family gathering bbq for his birthday on the 4th of July and invite his new fiancées family as a way to have us all together to more officially celebrate.

As far as the mother in law thing. I've seen strife happen with kids getting married and mothers feeling like they should remain number one over the new wife. I just don't agree with that. You raise them to make their way into the world on their own. I've done my job but do hope I get to enjoy the grandchildren one day.

[Kat54]

Well the engagement happened and my son and his new fiancé did FaceTime with me so that was nice.
I am fuming at my ex. My son had mentioned doing a bbq for his birthday and celebrate with his fiancés family their engagement on his birthday.
Hearing the bits and pieces about the engagement my ex threw a huge engagement party with a tent, food and many people. I don't think it was something my son planned, it was all my ex. After the engagement thing at the clam bar my son planned, my ex had everyone back to the house and I guess whoever was not at the clam bar came also.
My sister lives next door, my ex invited them, my brother in law would not go and my sister stopped in briefly to congratulate my son and say hello to the finances family but didn't stay. She said it was a mob of people, lot of my sons friends and the fiancés entire family, with grandparents, her cousins.
I can't control what my ex does but it was pretty rude. I again and again have to remind myself he is only self serving to him as he has never been respectful or consider me in the least even when we were married. He's a massive narcissist and this was the ultimate attention for him... even though it's his sons engagement. My sister said it was nauseating and I dodged a bullet with that one. She said he probably spent a lot of money.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Kat54
As I read the posts, I could see this be my own future - it's so challenging.

Thank you for sharing.  I'm glad it seemed to work out okay;  it's amazing how these PD's thrive on confusion, control, attention, etc...   exhausting.