Using Pets to terrorize us

[Stepping lightly]

Hi All- this is a long one!
I am going through a situation where I am trying to be the better person and not allow BM to once again infuriate me (but I'm here, so I am obviously struggling with this). 
The History- In 2009 I was single, living by myself and I adopted a roly poly chocolate lab puppy.  Not to be hyperbolic, but he changed me/my life.  It opened my eyes to my deep love for everything related to dogs, from which I built friendships and at times employment.  I met DH in 2012, and he had an instant love for my 4 legged buddy.  My step children adored the dog, it was awesome.  BM was aware of the dog for about 9 months with no issue. 
For some reason back then, I had this gut feeling that my best approach to BM was NC from the start.  Everything with the dog situation was fine until one day, she was dropping something off for the kids and the dog scooted out onto the enclosed porch and she "saw him".  Immediately after that there were claims that my stepson (5 at the time), had horrific dog allergies.  She made DSS5 "talk" to me about how sick the dog was making him.  We saw zero symptoms, and we confirmed with friends and family that would see DSS often that we were not ignorning anything.  Never- not one time- was there an issue.  But as is common with a PD, the situation just continued to get worse.  This became the focus of BMs custody battle- I mean...how perfect for her right?  Sow division, make a health claim, make the new stepmom the bad guy for putting a child at risk.
BM would take DSS directly from our house during custody change to urgent care to get documentation of the "allergy".  We couldn't figure out how DSS would leave 100% healthy and 2 hours later be diagnosed with "allergic symptoms".  Did she make him cry on the way to the doctor to redden his eyes and make his nose run?  Like I seriously have no idea still.  The situation was awful, and it took BM almost 2 years to finally have DSS allergy tested. DH was in the room when the doctor gave the the results, he had a dog allergy- and DH said BM and her BF looked as surprised as he did.  Now we really had a problem- and BM really amped up the claims.  She even wrote me a letter, telling me that I could keep my dog if I convinced DH to give up 50/50 custody.  She thinks every other weekend with the dog would be "ok".  The allergist thought an "experiment" would be a good idea- yep...a high conflict custody battle, but let's put a 7 year old in the middle of an "experiment" where his feedback will determine the outcome of the situation.  I couldn't do it...I couldn't allow my sweet DSS to continue to be tortured. We decided to find a home for my dog, and THANK GOODNESS my brother and sister-in-law stepped up and gave him a wonderful home.  Ultimately, DH lost 50/50 custody anyway, BM fought so dirty and the professionals just couldn't/wouldn't stand up against her.
Current- 9 years later, we had to say goodbye to my sweet dog.  This has brought more emotion than I anticipated as I always held on to the hope I would someday get him back.  Intellectually I knew that ship had sailed, he had a whole new family that loved and adored him, but while he lived there was always that thought.  His goodbye was extremely emotional for my family and my brother's family.  All of us except DSS were there, including DSD17 who rearranged her entire schedule to be there, which really touched me.
After that experience, we decided we want to get a dog in the next year.  The kids are old enough and we want DSD to have the ability to share it with us before she leaves for college.  DH talked to both kids seperately, discussing the reality of what happened 9 years ago and the potential risk for conflict it could bring.  Both kids were enthusiastic and want to get a dog, even DSS who really went through the ringer. 
This past weekend, BM had the kids out of town and took them to a "pet expo".  The kids sent us pictures of them holding a cute puppy.  I told DH that I had a gut feeling BM was going to get a dog and I wasn't sure I wouldn't lose my mind.  He said "there is a possibility that will happen".  Last night DSS said, "Mom really wanted to get that puppy, but we couldn't figure out how to get him home".  So my assumption is that now she will be shopping for one she can get at home.
I know I am anticipating a "what if", but I feel like there is so much emotion tied to this situation that I need to prepare myself so I can handle it the best way possible.  I just can't believe she would wait until my dog died to then decide having dogs is "ok" again.  Or that magically there is no more "allergy" issue and the timing seems awful freaking tragic- mere weeks after losing my amazing pup.  That secures our ability to get a dog, but it seems like now she wants to just beat us to it.   I don't think the kids will honestly see "mom lied about the dog allergy".  Even if they did, in the big picture would it really matter?  If this happens for them, I feel like I need to be happy they get to experience it, no matter who's home it's in, but I am not sure I am going to be able to do that.  I also want to be able to build a wall around my life and not allow BM to continue to terrorize us, and just "letting go" is the right and healthy thing to do......but how do I do that?  It feels like she would do it just to laugh, once again for the millionth time, at our pain.

[bloomie]

Stepping lightly - I am so sorry for the pain of all of these machinations and the loss of your beloved fur friend, not once, but twice. My eyes are leaking just reading of it and imagining it with you!!

Your understandable, justified emotions around all you all have been put through with your beloved dog and the kiddos only to have the allergy now somehow not matter AND the joy and beauty of now being able to have a dog in your life and your familys' life is a lot to reconcile.

That you put the well being of your DSS first and re-homed your dog is something that will always stand alone as a tremendous gesture of love and sacrifice. Nothing and no one can ever change that. Especially for your youngest DSS. Your DH's ex unwittingly revealed the depth of your character and love for the kids. She exposed the length you would go to to keep them healthy and remove further stress from their lives.

If it is an encouragement at all, I have a sil who acts very much as an ex with my DH and she used her young son's mommy diagnosed 'allergies' to attempt to control so many aspects of his visits with us and extended family gatherings and then blame me for somehow triggering my beloved nephew's asthma attacks. It was food, cats, dogs, dust, mold, grass, our carpet, hypersensitivity to the lights in our kitchen, etc., the list went on for days. He was always terribly ill after leaving us per her. 

Come to find out, after years of this he was finally tested at 12(!!!) and you know what he was allergic to? Cats. Only cats. And you know what pet his mother has, a cat. Did she re-home the cat, limit the cat's ability to at least enter his room? Nope. Does she still have a cat in her home? Yep.

He is an adult and he sees it!! He resents it and sees the hypocrisy of his mother controlling so many aspects of everyone's lives around his 'allergies' and then knowingly keeping the only animal he does indeed have allergies to. So, you never know.

The most important thing is you can live with yourself and look yourself in the mirror knowing you did what you believed was best for this child.

As you move through the grief of losing your dear dog there is also the reality that your DH's ex has had the ability to manipulate and control some of the most personal and important aspects of your family life and that you have submitted to it... out of love and concern for a much loved child.

You will find your way to joy and excitement as you consider finding a new fur friend in time I feel sure. But, in the meantime, this is heavy to carry and work through. I am so glad you shared!

[Penny Lane]

Oh SL ...
 

Our BM has behaved in similar ways around pets, it's really absurd and totally hypocritical.

As for how you can not lose your mind - I feel like you kind of deserve to lose your mind a little? This is insane, it is worthy of frustration and a little meltdown. But, privately, feel those feelings! This is like the cherry on top of all the crap you've dealt with for years.

The key is to not have the meltdown in front of the kids. That might mean you just have to take a break, go to the bathroom when they talk about the dog or just have some stock phrases. "Oh so cute!" and move on. And then vent some more when they're not there.

And I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you did the right thing for all the vulnerable parties. You were able to protect the kids while still giving the dog a happy home. You really sacrificed for everyone! You are an amazing stepparent and all the parties are so lucky to have you.

Parenting is a lot, a lot of sacrifices, being a good stepparent involves even more, and with a PD in the mix it seems like it's all sacrifice all the time. Hopefully as the kids are getting older and you are set in the situation with BM, you can sacrifice less in the future and reclaim some happiness that you've had to put on hold because of the situation with the kids.

I think and hope a new dog will be healing for you and a positive experience for the whole family. I hope you can really lean into that joy and love.

[Latchkey]

Hi SL,
You have every reason to be upset. I am sorry for your loss of your beloved pup.
Yes her timing is awful, and she's completely rewriting the script, again.
I hope you and your DH find a new dog to love and that you can involve your stepkids in the process. Model for them the healthy way to adopt a pet because likely what their mom will do will be as dysfunctional as she approaches everything else. Also, if your DSS does have a dog allergy but didn't have symptoms when he was with your pup then maybe a similar breed/mix would be fine. I think dog allergies can vary by breed but don't quote me on this, not a doctor, but I had allergic reactions to the long haired little sheltie dogs but other dogs never bothered me.

[Stepping lightly]

Thank you all!  Your messages are all seriously like a big warm hug, and I desperately needed it!

It's interesting to me that the kids don't even realize the idea of BM getting a dog doesn't make any sense.  I think they truly have blocked a lot of the trauma, because BM would literally scream at us in front of the kids in public about the dog (and always "the dog", never the dog's name that she very well knew).  DSD has made comments for years about "we should get a dog", and I used to say "we have one", and she'd acknowledge the situation. 

Bloomie- we had the same with everything being a health risk- I do think BM has Munchausen's by Proxy.  She has manipulated the kids' diets so many times and in such extreme ways.  When we first got married, we bought a home that had just been built.  She claimed the "dust" from building the house was making the kids severely ill and demanded it be professionally cleaned.   I think my response at the time was that I would be happy for her to pay to have my house professionally cleaned    You know that never happened, they weren't THAT sick!

PL-  you are so right that we have to endlessly sacrifice.  I am ok with the sacrifices, but I am not ok with how the sacrifices get turned around into us being the bad guy every time.  I believe there is at least some level of the kids understanding the dynamic, but other times they really just don't get it and think their mom is a beloved saint. 

Latchkey- you read my mind.  I started exploring other breeds with longer hair and pulled myself back right away- He could have issues with a different type of hair.  He's been around other dog breeds and not had issues so I think the risk is low.  DH is also allergic to dogs, but it's minor and he deals with it because it's worth it.

Again- thank you all for the validation- I needed it and this really helped a lot!!