Need Advice-Eating disorder concern

[Stepping lightly]

Hi All,

Gosh- It feels like I am not here for awhile and then all of the sudden I need lots of advice and support.

I am very concerned with DSD17, and suspect we may be dealing with an eating disorder. This has always been a concern, ever since BM told the kids they were fat when they were like 8/9 and they were afraid to finish their meals.

We recently went on a short vacation with DSD17 and DSS16 during which there were some very concerning behaviors from DSD.  Trying to skip out on days out with us and stay in the hotel room, lots of techniques deployed to avoid eating.  Every meal, she manipulated and maneuvered to avoid putting food in her mouth.  She was slick.  I pointed out the techniques I saw to DH and he couldn't disagree- something was up.  There was a really weird energy from her, even after all the drama we've been through, I've never felt from her before.  She has been mean and extremely distant.

I've been processing the information, and I honestly think this has been going on for awhile, but potentially has just increased in severity.  DSD skipped vacation with us in the spring, and we had (as always) a slew of suspicions regarding the reasons.  But now, I wonder if it was because of the eating disorder.  Her behavior towards me has been not good- and I wonder now that it may be because she knows I am noticing.  I ask "have you had breakfast?", "Can I make you something to eat before you go to work?" etc.  I was just trying to take care of her, there was no mal intent as I am honestly just coming to the conclusion there may be an actual problem.

DH doesn't know what to do.  DSD turns 18 next month.  If he says anything to her, she just won't spend any time with us- if she isn't around we can't help her.  He can't talk to BM, she will just tell DSD that we are once again trying to create conflict and will use it as a tool to keep DSD from wanting to see us.  I think it is extremely important that we maintain contact with DSD and she continues to come to our house so we know what is happening.  BM has full authority over mental and physical health, we are kept 100% out of the loop.  I tried to think of maybe a safe family member that could say something, but again, I think that will just be used to shut down relationships and make the situation worse.  I do hope BM picks up on it on her own, but counting on that is a huge risk.

You guys are always amazing with out of the box thinking, so I thought I would see if there any ideas on how to approach this situation. 

[Penny Lane]

SL I saw this post a couple days ago and I've been thinking about it because, wow, what an impossible situation!

We're dealing with a much more minor impossible situation right now too. So DH and I have been reminding each other of our strategies. Talking to BM doesn't really work. Really the thing to do is equip the kids with what they need to succeed. And to do what we can and try to let go of the rest of the stress.

Unfortunately, I think there is not much you can do. I would look online for resources (or maybe you have a counselor?) about talking to your adult children about eating disorders. I would probably wait until she's 18 - then her mom won't be in charge of her medical stuff, she will. (But then I'm like, is it worse to have a PD in charge of your medical stuff or someone with an eating disorder in charge of themselves??? Definitely no good answers).

My first thought, and your gut will tell you if this is helpful or not, is to sit her down. Say, we noticed that you are having some stress around eating. We love you and want to help you. Here are some resources we found. Would you be willing to meet with a counselor to discuss this? Give her some control - I mean she is 18, technically an adult (or will be at this point).

My second thought is to engineer a situation where BM can "save the day" and get her into treatment, but I'm not sure how you would go about doing that. I don't think we could.

The internet might have better suggestions as I'm mostly unfamiliar with eating disorders other than what I learned in 7th grade health class. I do know that they are very scary and you are right to be alarmed. And that she probably will fight you on treatment.

So, like I said I don't have a silver bullet strategy for you. I wish I did. What I have is advice/the pep talk I give myself in situations like this. You didn't cause this. This is almost certainly damage from BM. BM, and the courts, have totally failed your stepkids. You cannot mitigate all her damage, all you can do is give the kids tools to heal themselves, especially now that they're older. You cannot solve this! Don't take on the stress of trying to find a fix. Do your best with the situation you have, and hopefully even if you don't get much movement right now, something resonates in the future.

I'm so sorry.

 

[bloomie]

Stepping lightly I remembered something you said in another thread that seems to be key in the struggles your DSD is having right now:

When speaking of your DH's ex you said: "She has manipulated the kids' diets so many times and in such extreme ways."

Couple that with your step children being told they were 'fat' and all of the messages and images coming at young adults through friends and SM and it is no wonder this is coming up with DSD.   

I am one who would take the risk and gently talk with her, with her father of course, and let her know you both are concerned that she isn't feeling well, experiencing undue stress, making sure as well as you can that nothing is going on with friends or at school or that she is not being harmed any way, and letting her know you simply want to be there for her if she chooses to talk about how she is doing.

Keeping it short and focused, filled with love and giving her complete control over if/when she talks about this going forward is what I would be thinking of doing.

I will also say, she is at an age where you might not want to ask, remind, or insist she eat. Give her full control over what she does as a near adult. Very few of us want what we eat or don't eat to be scrutinized and a topic of conversation, I'm thinking. You may want to let her know you have been doing that out of concern, but are realizing it might be uncomfortable and commit to stop doing that.

I thought this article was helpful and had some good links to resources that could support you and your DH as you work your way through this.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-child-has-an-eating-disorder-4062806

None of us can know what is right and best for you all, so take what we offer with a grain of salt. Take what seems right for you and leave the rest. Let us know how you all are doing as you are able.

[Leonor]

Hi Stepping,

First thank you for being such a caring and committed stepmom. We stepdaughters may not appreciate how delicate a relationship it is, for a woman to enter the life of a child of separated parents, but it is clear you want the best for your DSD!

I was wondering if there are any eating disorder support groups or resources in your area for teens or young adults. Churches, community centers, community colleges, are good places to start. And maybe social media- Gen Z is so open, activist, feminist, body positive, and aware - compared to my generation! - that you may find some good messaging out there from influencers beyond supermodels or the Kardashians.

Perhaps DSD might be more receptive to stories or support from peers in recovery from disordered eating than from Parent Talks or Therapists. And it may also be a side avenue that offers an alternative to implicating BM. Or give you a jumping off point for a heart to heart. Just another thought to open avenues of conversation.

[Poison Ivy]

Stepping lightly, I encourage you and your spouse to look for resources for parents of people with eating disorders. EDs have a high mortality rate. It's important to obtain a diagnosis as quickly as possible. There is some disagreement about what causes EDs, but the cause need not be known for a diagnosis to be made or treatment started.

[Stepping lightly]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  I haven't been on my computer to respond, but have been reading all of the suggestions. 

We haven't seen DSD since I posted, sadly this time of year we have about 3 weeks without them due to the way the custody schedule falls.

We can't involve BM, or try to steer her into doing something.  All attempts there would actually drive DSD down a very bad path.  Crazy enough, BM hyper focuses on DSS' eating.  I admit his eating habits are different, and it took me a minute to understand.  He tends to eat most of his food late in the day.  With us he will eat dinner, then an hour later eat a full second dinner.  His weight is fine and he is in fact eating. I think he does more of sitting down with an entire bag of chips at BM's, but I'm not sure what food she has available as an alternative.

I realized that I do have an acquaintance/friend that suffered from an eating disorder.  I thought about reaching out to her for advice on "what would have helped you early on", or "what is off limits to talk about or say".  I'm just cautious about doing that as well for the sake of the friend's health, but she did post about it on FB.

I think we will risk having a conversation, or actually DH will, once we have locked down what that conversation should look like.  DH has always been amazing at tough conversations with DSD and she usually opens up to him. We see the kids this weekend, so we will play it by year on when/what that conversation will look like.

What's so crazy is that in the beginning of summer, we actually thought she was coming Out of the FOG- for the first time she was seeing through BM's behaviors and actually getting annoyed by them.  Then something flipped and she is not the same person.  Perhaps this is all related, the idea that nothing is what you thought it was for your whole life- but that's just another guess.

[Latchkey]

Hi SL,
I'm really sorry to hear this. Others have given you solid advice and some great readings.

My former SS became anorexic around the age of 15-16 at the same time as he was refusing to go to school. His PD dad my exH tried a few things. At one point he was in a day treatment program, I think more to deal with the school refusal but the anorexia was not handled well, the counselor actually put him a room and told him to eat something. I think he dropped out of that program, eventually ended up working with a psychiatrist and getting treated for ADHD and Anxiety and I think a side effect of the meds might have helped with the anorexia. Today he is healthy weight but it took a while more to get to this place, at 19. Basically the anorexia was never dealt with directly but his doctors were aware.

Another person I know had a kid that became anorexic while at college and they (uses they pronouns) also had a number of psych issues, they did go into a specialized in patient treatment program for anorexia and I think is at a healthy weight now.

Anorexia will cause behavior and mood changes so that may be what you are seeing with your DSD. I would keep an eye too on your DSS especially given the focus on his eating by his PD mom.

I think speaking with her but also her pediatrician might be one route if you can't work with her mother. This is difficult because ultimately, as others have said, it can lead to very severe physical illness.

I would try to keep an eye on her socials if you are connected to her there if there is anything concerning. The secretiveness is might be due to more than just the eating, there could be things like cutting or other self harming behaviors going on. I am not trying to alarm you at all, but its the reality of having teens these days.

Keep us posted and again, really sorry to hear all this. You are an amazing stepmom and your stepkids are sooo lucky to have you!!