My toxic mother is in terminal phase of cancer

[Alice_in_Wonderland]

Hello! I don't want to write a lot of details... In short, my mother, who always was the supporting right hand of my narcissistic father and never moved a hand to protect us from his toxic abusive behavior when she could and, in my oppinion, should have, is in terminal phase of cancer and she will pass within the next months. I had to escape their toxic household and for long years I kept of being attacked and accused of "being ungrateful" and the "worst child ever" The truth is that I faced many difficulties in life due to the fact that I always have dealt with every single difficulty alone, since, of course, they never supported me. It was my punishment for "abandoning their cult" As I said, she is dying, and disease has affected also her brain to the point that she cannot communicate or understand in a "lucid" way. I always kept the hope that she would acknowledge reality and hopefully apologize for her part of responsability in all the xtra struggle I have faced because of their way to turning their backs to me and even punish me inmore direct ways. That is not going to happen now. Even if she lives other 6-7 months, her brain is no longer able to communicate and I won't try to put a dying woman into that effort. But it hurts me that she will leave without acknowledging the harm done and with and "unfairly" clair concience.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I am sorry that you may never get the acknowledgement of harm you would like to have from her. This does not mean that she is not aware of the harm, nor does it mean she has a clear conscience. Only she knows the truth of what is in her heart.

I wish you all the best as you navigate this latest phase.

[Alice_in_Wonderland]

Thank you NarcKiddo

[Boat Babe]

Hi Alice - I am sorry to read of your painful situation. I fully understand your need for validation and closure from your mother. I think you can move forward if you break this down into two parts - her and you.

First her. Even if she died with crystal clarity of mind, the chances are you would never get an acknowledgement and apology from her. You haven't had one so far, when she was compos mentis have you? Without "untangling the skein of fucked up ness" to quote another great blogger (Chump Lady) you can be sure that you would never get what you seek. This is the last bitter pill to swallow before moving on. This is who she is.

Now you: the question is, how to live the rest of your life without this shit show dominating the inner landscape of your mind, your emotional regulation, and all and any resulting behaviours that do not serve you well. Big question, right? Finding the answers to these questions is the work of healing from abuse. It doesn't happen overnight (I wish!) but you, and your life,  really do get better once you start. Obviously things like therapy are fantastic but not everyone can access therapy for a variety of reasons. In addition to the therapy I have had, I get out into the open air every single day and walk at least three miles (thanks to doggo). I have cut out pretty much all booze these days - not because I have a drink problem but because it is a depressant and clouds my thinking. I make sure I watch some comedy every day - laughter really is the best medecine and it is a physical thing.  In addition, maybe read anything by Gabor Mate/Pete Levine/Bessel van de Kock etc to learn about how trauma affects the mind and body and how to turn that shit around. There are many other modalities that are out there and free/really cheap that you can access. I have found the things that work for me and and you can too.

When difficult parents are on the way out, the grief is complex. Be very very kind to yourself right now. You've got this.

[Alice_in_Wonderland]

Thank you BoatBabe. Your advice is really wise and I will follow it