Summarising the breakup

[Associate of Daniel]

Not that there are currently any prospective partners in my life, but I've been trying to come up with a statement to use if one should appear, and ask me why my marriage failed.

The whole thing of taking 2 to tango doesn't apply in my case.  There are, in many breakups, the guilty party and the innocent party. And that's my situation.

But I don't know how to word it without sounding as though I refuse to acknowledge any part I might have played. Or without sounding bitter and unforgiving.

Sure, I could have done some things differently.  I could have confronted uNPD exH on his affair.  I could have pushed for counselling. But they would have just ended the marriage sooner and probably caused more abuse.

Does anyone have any suggestions for a summarising statement to trot out at the appropriate time?

AOD

[pianissimo]

I think that's a big question to ask, so if it comes in a way that puts you on the spot, it might be a red (or perhaps a yellow?) flag. If it were me, I would first check how the person feels about their previous marriage (like perhaps they are tense when they mention they were married before), and, if it seems like they feel like talking about it (perhaps they bring certain aspects of it up as we talk), I would be asking questions whether they are feeling OK about all that, how they view things. I would not make them feel like they were interrogated or feel guilty. It's a marriage, it's quite private.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I encourage you simply to be honest, Associate of Daniel, once you establish that someone is trustworthy. I'd suggest you start with little bits and see how they react before you really open up, though.

A person who is right for you will listen with empathy and understand.

Finding romantic partners (hell, people in general) who really get what PDs are about is hard.

A significant part of why my marriage works so well is that both my wife and I have uNPD's in our FOO and we have each others' backs at all times when it comes to dealing with them. We maintain firm boundaries.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you both for your replies.

It may sound strange but I have only thought of the conversation as happening right at the beginning-  even before dating.

As a christan (who seeks a christian partner), divorce/remarriage can be complicated and the grounds for the previous divorce could be a deal breaker for a future relationship.

So perhaps my summary statement should be prepared for anyone, not just a prospective partner.

I appreciate your advice on waiting to see if the person is trustworthy, and on previous marriages being private.  It's food for thought.

Thanks again.

AOD

[JustKeepTrying]

I appreciate this question and the responses.  For me there is a push/pull of wanting to tell the truth and not talking about it at all. There are times it's so close to the surface and then other times I don't want to acknowledge it. And to who and how.

My SIL said all I need to say "I was married.  It didn't work out. Now I'm not". While I appreciate the simplicity and privacy the statement it implies, I have decided to keep it in my back pocket. So I look at it as situational and take the time to listen to my feelings about the person I'm talking to and listen to my instincts.

A woman I recently met and we got into some deep conversations, she stated she left her marriage because it wasn't safe anymore. That was all she said and I didn't push.   I liked that for several reasons. Even my ex used physical intimidation, my mental and financial situations were at risk

Listen to yourself and give yourself the space to come with the right answer

[Poison Ivy]

One thing to keep in mind as you decide what to say about your marriage and divorce is whether, in the future, you will only go out with a person if you think you can see yourself getting married to the person eventually. That is, do you desire only romantic relationships or are you also open to friendships without physical intimacy?

[Associate of Daniel]

Good question, Poison Ivy.  And may I say, a refreshing one.

I don't intend to date anyone without there being the intent of forming a serious relationship, preferrably marriage.

So maybe the question/summary answer needs to be addressed before then.

I once had a little girl ask me why my husband had left.  I managed to say, "Because he didn't love me any more." 

Her response was, "Well that's just rude!"

I couldn't help but laugh.

AOD