I thought he was done with me

[Lauren17]

Here I am, almost a year since final papers.  Things have been going well. Calm. I'm sleeping at night and most of my chronic health issues have resolved. xuNPDh hardly ever contacts me and when he does, it's only through the parenting app. 
Honestly, I thought he was done with me.  Had found supply somewhere else.
Then, this week, young adult daughter opened her mouth and ex's words poured out.  I was blindsided! She just calmly stated all these "truths" about me.  He's also subtlety working to drive a wedge between her an younger sister. 
I wanted to grab her by the shoulders, stare her in the eye and shout "You're being manipulated!!"  But, I didn't.  I also didn't defend myself.  I stayed calm and I stuck to facts.  But, I am reeling. And, honestly, I feel like I need to burn sage or something to get his second-hand aura out of my house.
I don't know if I want advice or to hear similar stories.  I just needed to share with those who understand.

[Poison Ivy]

Oh my gosh. I'm sorry this is happening. I did not experience this with my ex or our children, but I have a few friends who did with their ex-husbands and children. Both friends are women, both have two adult daughters, and both experienced having their formerly supportive children turn on them after the divorce. I know that this was very painful for my friends.

[moglow]

Burn sage. Do a war dance - or play your fave music to truly get it out and dance it off. 

It takes practice, but always remember the immortal words of Dalton (movie "road house") after being insulted, calmly deadpanned:  "Opinions vary." At some point you may be able to cock your head to the side, look her dead in the eye and "You know. I just heard every word you just said, in your dad's voice. Odd." Then carry on with another subject entirely. 

NONE of that is your stuff. She may be parroting dad's words, so remember she also has choices. She could choose to be an adult and not fling his stuff in your face. She still has growing to do, as do the rest of us. 

[square]

That sounds terrible, I'm so sorry. WHY do people do such destructive things?

[escapingman]

Lauren17,

I am glad you got it straight away it was your X talking and not your daughter. You did the right thing, confronting her would only risk her siding with him and then you truly lost.

As for hoping for he finds a new supply, I am too. But uNPDxw seems to still feed off bashing me, although we are NC (VLC+++) she keep telling the children all stories. DD doesn't want to go there as she is tired of hearing the constant negativity about me, as she her self says "I have moved on, I wish she could too". DD2 on the other hand hears these stories on a daily basis and have most likely witnessed her narcissistic injury and collapse when she was removed from the house. I am getting resigned to the idea she will not find a new supply and will forever live in victimhood of the big bad EM, that will suit her perfectly.

Well done Lauren, and congrats on your progress.

[Lauren17]

A huge thank you to everyone who replied.

user, your kind words were so helpful!

Moglow, I lit a sage candle and said a prayer. It made difference.

EM, it sounds like we're in a very similar place.  I am basically NC and we are parallel parenting, not co-parenting. Younger DD shares very little about what goes on at her father's house.  But, I know it's not healthy and she doesn't enjoy being there.  Young Adult DD does share with me.  I try to gently call out negative behaviors.  But he's so subtle,  It's dancing on a tight rope every time.  It's exhausting.

I've rethought what I said about x's new supply.  He has found it.  It's DD.  That's what's keeping me up at night. Yes, she's an adult. Yes, she has growing to do, as Moglow wisely pointed out.  But, I'm her mother.  It's my job to help guide her. 

[Associate of Daniel]

Just thought I'd pop in on this one.

My experience - uNPD exH moved in almost straight away with his new supply (the woman he left me for).  They married within a year of our divorce and are still together almost 10 years later.

Unfortunately, he is more of her supply than she is his.  Yep.  He married someone even worse than he is.  So I was and still am his supply.  In fact I supply both.  His behaviour didn't change. If anything it got worse.  I just (thankfully) don't have to have as much to do with them as ds (now almost 17) grows older and more independent.

I hope you all get some reprieve shortly.

AOD

[Leonor]

Hi Lauren,

I'm so sorry your ex is triangulating with your daughter, how excruciating.

Your job as the mother of an adult daughter is no longer to guide her; now that she is an adult, that becomes control.

But you can be a model of peaceful, open communication, a source of womanly wisdom, and a soft place to fall.

In the meanwhile, do take good and gentle care of you.

[escapingman]

Lauren, I really get your comment on your DD being his supply. My DD2 was promoted to replace me when I filed for divorce and went GR, I am now being triangulated with her. uNPDxw makes up some stories about me that is completely fabricated and DD2 either believes them without question or goes along with them to keep herself out of the bad books (I haven't figured out which yet). uNPDxw has put herself firmly as the victim in all aspects and I am the big bad wolf who has ruined her life, how do deal with that when the story is fed daily behind closed doors?

[Leonor]

As a now-adult child of battling parents, I would suggest:

1. Document all of your conversations with the alienating parent, including date, time, length, and topics. Save all emails and texts on an independent hard drive accompanied by screenshots.

2. Keep your commitments, from paying a support bill on time to showing up at a school play, religiously - and document them as well. Take photos with time stamps.

3. Do not bring up the alienating parent around the child. Don't try to ask how "mom" or "dad" are, if everything's ok "at (mom/dad)'s," or ask if there's anything happening "over there" they might want to talk about, etc. You may be trying to seem polite or honestly open a door to conversation, but it will come off to the child as an invitation to betrayal and invoke feelings of defensiveness in your child.

4. If the child complains about the other parent to you, do not chime in, come up with more evidence, diagnose, or give information. Instead, speak to the child's feelings: "I understand you're feeling sad / mad / upset. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It sounds really hard." Stay receptive, but sensitive to the fact that any input on your part about the situation will likely provoke feelings of guilt in your child.

5. If the child complains about you to you, speak to the feelings and the situation: "I understand you feel angry because of what I've done / said / forgot, etc." Keep the conversation topic between the two of you, in the present moment: "I  love you and really want to work this out. What do you need from me right now?"

Even when you know that what your child is saying to you isn't true, don't argue through the child to the alienating parent: "That's not true, because ... I don't know what you've been told, but ... Actually, what really happened was ... I hate to be the one to tell you this, but ... You know, I think you ought to know that ..." are all ways to simply confuse your child and triangulate her between you and your ex.

As long as you stay clear in your communications and commitments, focussed on your child's feelings, and patient with her struggle, eventually she will come around. It may take time. But what else do you have?