"Fun" with NPD Friend

[SaddleBagger]

I'm a 40's male, several years out of LTR with ex W who may have a PD.
This post I just wanted to talk about a "friend" I made who certainly has a PD, how the relationship went, how I managed it and things I've learned from her about NPD. I'll call her Sasha.

Around the time lockdowns were lifting, 2-3 years ago, I met Sasha. Younger than me, in her 30s, and I helped her out with a few things and that kicked off the relationship. She was attractive in her way although not my type really. A bit of a hippy free-spirit type I used to be drawn to those types as they seem to help me loosen up my more stiff demeanor. Very self-assured, intelligent (kinda), and could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.

The relationship was never romantic. I didn't know much about PDs yet but through dating after my divorce I was learning things about myself and the types of women I kept being attracted to. So, even though she wasn't my type and the relationship was never romantic I still found myself strongly attracted to her. She made my inner "white knight" want to ride out to her rescue which I recognized as unhealthy  on my part for a new friendship. It made me cautious but also curious.

 At the same time I felt incredibly attracted she absolutely gave me the chills. I'd had her by my house a couple times and any time I was alone with her in my place I felt a strong instinct to flee. I can't overstate this feeling. It was so powerful. In my bones, in my gut. "Get away!" I've only had it a handful of times in my life and I now know to listen to it and never doubt it. This is one of your early indicators that you are likely dealing with a PD. They haven't done anything yet but your subconscious can tell something isn't right and it's warning you. I did partially listen to the warning and stopped having Sasha around when there were no other people there.

She pretty quickly began showing the signs of PD although I still didn't know the words then. Only that something was off with her. Doing or saying things that 9/10 people wouldn't do in that situation. This 90% Rule is discussed in the book "The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" which I highly recommend. In short she was highly manipulative and would frequently ask for inappropriate assistance. Sometimes she'd ask for help with things that I'm pretty sure were illegal such as she'd locked herself out of the house she was "borrowing" and the landlord said she could pry the door open and could I help. 
 In conversation she was chronically lying. Even about things that didn't seem to matter. And in time the pattern was clear that she wanted to elevate her status. Owned a house out of state. Had no job and was constantly "filing things with her atty" regarding the custody dispute with her kid's father. Had a great career. Advanced education.
She also played victim much of the time. Was being unjustly oppressed by a system who favored the father. It went on and on.

She was completely self absorbed unlike anything I'd ever seen. We could talk for an hour and I wouldn't share even the slightest tidbit about my life. And I was happy not to as it was obvious she was the type to use things against people.

Early on I made the misstep a couple times of pushing back on a ludicrous things she was saying. As you can imagine this was a big no-no. Luckily I was gentle enough about it that it didn't set her against me but I realized I'd stepped too close to the landmines and if I pursued it I could get in trouble.

So, why did I continue the friendship? Once I realized some things about myself and my peculiar attraction I was able to break free of it. I had zero inclination to do her bidding, I saw her more clearly, and so long as I kept to certain strict boundaries I felt safe. I'll get into the boundaries later.

Why be friends with a likely NPD?

1. Because I had this knowledge and experience I could have a sort of friendship with someone who likely had no true friends (those last white knight urges perhaps). I just accepted her as she was and didn't try to sway her. At most gently encourage her to take a better approach to a problem she would be bemoaning and even that would be minimal. In her way she appreciated it and a handful of times even expressed a kjnd of gratitude, which was often followed up with another absurd request but hey, little victories right.

2. Learn. Sasha never gave me anything. But I did learn a lot about PD and once I began reading up on the subject it improved my understanding of her even more.

3. My decision galvanized when I also realized that this toddler had nobody looking out for him when with Sasha. All the other things considered I would have ended the friendship but I was frankly afraid for him. Never saw any outright abuse but when I was around them I saw Sahsa was exceedingly controlling and inappropriate. My gut told me this was likely toned down when others were around. The kid was bright and full of fun and creativity and Sasha would snuff this out pretty soon. It's Difficult to articulate what was more of a feeling for me but perhaps some of you who had an NPD parent know what I'm trying to say. I'll never know whether my presence made any kind of difference but it seemed the right thing to do.

The Rules (boundaries). These were some of the ways I managed the relationship and protected myself. Some I figured out on my own, some I learned as I began reading up on PD. I did not do it perfectly and these aren't recommendations.

1. Low low low contact. I was the limbo master of communication with Sasha. After our early friendship I pulled back, Kept things to a minimum. I normally prefer voice chat but she'd call, I let it go to VM.

2. Text rather than talk. When on the phone she'd inevitably probe for info in the guise of friendly inquiring about my life. Asking if I was working. Were my kids with me. What was I up to. The follow-up would quickly be to ask me to help with some ridiculous odd job that since I was "free" I should be available for. If on the phone it was more difficult to put her off. If texting I could hold my reply until it suited me.

3. Lower your expectations. Even better have Zero expectations. Sasha never once in the couple years we talked showed a trace of genuine concern or interest for anything that didn't serve her. Once in awhile she'd realize she should make a show and ask me how I was and I couldn't finish the sentence before she'd jump in to insert herself in some way. It was actually funny after awhile and impressive in some way that someone can go through life like this. I can only imagine how hard it would be to live with someone like Sasha and if you did I am deeply sorry. Even with minimal contact I'd find myself exhausted sometimes.

4. Don't be alone with someone like this. Probably my biggest mistake with Sasha. I stopped having her by my place but would, on occassion, go by hers, either for a chat, walk or help her with a small reasonable (legal) task.

5. Do not give info. Sasha only cared about what she could get from others. The only reason she'd ask for onfo was to use it to her advantage. Learn to keep it friendly, vague and noncommital.
6. Scripting
"Sorry, I'll be busy."
"Sorry, I'm unavailable but I could help you with this one thing on Saturday"
"Sure I can help you but I have to meet anothrr friend so can only stay for xx minutes." If you can have some of these kinds of phrases preloaded you can stay out of the trap they set.
7. Everything is on Sasha's terms. Everything. Even if it seems like there's mutual respect, support between you for a bit there is not. Disaude yourself from this notion asap.

If I think of others I'll post a reply.

Ultimately I had to decrease my contact even further. I was concerned about the child but Sasha was increasingly trying to pull me, and probably others, into her custody fight. She was triangulating hard and saying more and more crazy stuff.
Eventually she was caught taking the child out of state and apparently thrown in jail for a brief period. Lost custody and now has zero visitation. All unjustly of course. She returned to my city for a brief period but has now apparently moved on. I pity her. I do not miss her. It was a strange relationship. I learned a lot. Maybe did a good deed.
As I've gotten myself healthier I no longer have much interest to play with this particular fire and consider myself fortunate I didn't end up on the receiving end of some bad behavior.

[bloomie]

SaddleBagger - I like seeing the connections you are making - and hearing of the connections you made along the unfolding of this friendship. Also, how you listened to yourself and believed what our gut was telling you about Sasha.

Thank you for some great observations and for sharing the tools that worked for you in this friendship. 

[treesgrowslowly]

SaddleBagger,

Fantastic observations. I am sorry you went through this. Thanks for sharing. I have not heard of the 90% rule but I have definitely had to learn a version of it myself in life! If 90% of people wouldn't do this, we need to ask questions!
So true!

...The time you were asked to pry open a door to a place she doesn't own. Yikes!! 

Thanks again for sharing,

Trees

[square]

Thanks for the analysis.